How Do I Live?
by Bethesda Gray
Summary: When Edward abandons Bella to discover a human life for herself, the resulting damage is something that neither of them could have imagined, and neither can heal alone.
1. Chapter 1

_I am writing this shortly before the posting of Chapter 10. I set out to write a hot little story about bloodlust and angry sex, and what happened became something much different. This was my first attempt at TwiFic, and my subconscious knew better than my libido what I needed to think about and say._

_This story is important for me for the same reason that New Moon was important (though frustrating) for me. In June of '09, I lost the person I believed to be the love of my life in a cruel and unexpected way. It was every bit as sudden and jarring for me as I imagined Bella's loss was, but I didn't have the luxury of laying down in the dirt and giving up. I envied her as I read NM for the first time in December, envied her heartbreak. I envied the snappy way her life got put back together. Mostly, though, I felt frustrated with the sting of the wound NM reopened for me. _

_I hated that there was so much invested in breaking Bella, and so little in putting her back together. It drove home the reality that getting put back together doesn't happen so much in real life; some wounds are just fatal to a relationship. _

_I realize now that I wasn't being very fair to the work of a pretty talented author (the incomparable Stephanie Meyer, who, incidentally, owns the people I torture here for the next few months). These were little tales of escapism and romance, not documentaries. But it chafed me at the time, and I wasn't able to enjoy _Twilight_'s guilty pleasures the way I once had._

_Sometime after the new year began, I said to hell with that. Maybe I have to suck it up and accept whatever reality throws at me, but my sparkly teenage vampires certainly do not. In a world full of job loss and infidelity and dental appointments, fairy tales are not expendable, not even for me. And so I decided to try to put them back together in a way that that felt real, even for me._

_Be warned, readers. This woman knows that, if breaking up is hard to do, getting back together in a meaningful, longterm way is even harder. I have no qualms about poking, prodding, and twisting the hearts of my Edward and Bella until they've learned their lesson. It's kind of like my own version of _Misery_, but I get to be Kathy Bates_ and _James Woods, because pain is the kind of fun I understand._

_The mature rating is for lemons expected later in the story, but don't be disappointed if it's not a total citrus grove. Sex really isn't the focus of the tale._

_Thanks for listening, and for reading!_

_~Beth_

PART 1 -- Epilogue

_The story of my life is very plain to read. __  
__It starts the day you came;__  
__It ends the day you leave._

- "The Story of My Life", Neil Diamond

* * *

EPOV

Time doesn't mean much for vampires, but humans need sleep, and food, and warmth. That knowledge made the passing minutes and hours press in on me with an urgency I hadn't experienced before Bella had entered my life. I held her shivering body carefully, keeping the cloak Aro had given me between my cold flesh and her warm skin.

_She's here, she's alive, she's here, she's alive…_ My brain chanted these thoughts endlessly, making me dizzy with joy despite my worry for her. It was real; it had happened. I could have doubted it as one of the many half-crazed hallucinations I'd had of her over the last six months, but Aro had spoken truly. Her blood sang to me in excruciating invitation, the scent overwhelming after so many months of sensitizing absence.

I tried to pull my attention away from the smell of her blood and the beat of her heart. I gazed down at her face, seeing her pallor, the dark circles under her eyes, despite the darkness in the chamber.

"You look so tired," I said.

"And you look thirsty," she said.

"It's nothing," I said with a shrug. And it was. I could go an eternity without blood if it meant that I could keep her this time. My darker nature argued at the back of my mind, unable to be distracted from her heady fragrance. I shuddered.

"What's wrong?" she whispered, her voice breaking.

"Nothing, nothing is wrong," I said, pulling her closer, holding her more tightly than I normally permitted myself. "Try to rest, Bella. We still have a few hours before we can go."

I felt her body tense. She nodded tightly and closed her eyes.

I knew that she wasn't sleeping. Even after months of separation, I could read her body's signals easily. It was no wonder that she was tense. I couldn't imagine what she was thinking after the day's events, and for once, I wasn't sure that I wanted to.

"She might be warmer if you put her down," Alice suggested from her chair.

I hesitated. I didn't want to let go of her for another second for the rest of my existence. Bella's shaking was worrying me, though, and I thought that her body heat may be better conserved without my cold contact. I stood with her in my arms and turned, bending to lay her on the couch.

As I started to mover her away from me, every muscle in her body jerked, and her hands clutched at me frantically.

"_Edward!_" she gasped, and her eyes flew open. They were unfocused, wild. "No, no, please…" She began to sob.

I immediately gathered her against my chest again, trying to soothe her.

"Shh, it's okay, Bella," I murmured. "It's over; you're safe."

She was still shivering, but her sobs subsided. Her breath came in little trembling gasps. I hummed softly against her ear, relieved when her body finally relaxed in sleep.

Bella was alive. Nothing could be ill if she were well. Nonetheless, I could feel a familiar twisting ache in my chest begin as my thoughts went beyond this, beyond today, to what must happen next.

"It's going to be harder this time," I murmured to myself.

"What?" Alice said sharply. I looked up and saw her eyes become distant for a moment. "Oh, no," she choked. "Oh, _hell_ no, Edward."

"It's not your business, Alice," I said, keeping my voice too low for Bella's hearing. I knew exactly what Alice had seen. I knew that I would have to leave Bella again. I had broken my promise to her, and this would make it so much harder for both of us, but nothing had changed since Bella had nearly been drained in my family's living room on her eighteenth birthday.

"About that you are wrong," Alice hissed. "I am here right now because of your choices with this relationship. We all nearly died today because of those decisions, and that _most certainly_ makes it my business." We were both keeping our voices too low for human ears so Bella could rest, but there was no mistaking the fury in my sister's words.

"I am sorry about that," I said, meeting Alice's black and narrowed eyes. "I never meant to involve any of you."

"You thought you could just come here to die and none of us would be involved?" she asked, incredulous. "Our whole family would have been broken if we lost you, Edward. Me, Carlisle… God, Edward, Esme…"

I looked away, feeling the burn of tears I could no longer shed. Alice couldn't understand this situation; the argument was pointless.

"As I said, I cannot be more sorry for what I've put you all through. For what I put her through," I said, gazing down at Bella's sweet face. "I had hoped that my leaving would make the loss easier."

"It sure as hell didn't make it easier," Alice said sharply. "All it did was make it so that we lost two of our family instead of one."

I looked at her, surprised.

"Yeah, that's right," she said. "You spend so much time brooding over her, deciding what to do with her, that you forget she is one of us, too. You're not the only one who missed her." She ran her hands through her hair and leaned her forehead against them. "We were as guilty as you for going along with it."

"It was not your choice to make," I said, angry.

She snorted.

"As if it were yours! Did you even think to ask Bella about any of this?"

"I did talk to her about these things, many times," I said defensively. "She always had the same answer. She didn't care about consequences, sacrifice. She didn't worry about the danger she was placing herself in. All she could see was her love for me. She's…. very young."

"So what?" Alice squeaked. "You know, Edward, you are one conceited ass to assume that _your_ love for Bella is undying, but _her_ love is some shallow impulse she'll forget over a few weeks or months. For god's sake, Edward, we've been through high school thirteen times! By now you should be able to recognize the difference between a schoolgirl crush and what Bella feels for you. Even without my visions, I can see that she's not a typical teenager, and I know you do, too."

Alice sighed and looked down at Bella before she continued. "You waited almost a century for her, Edward. I know I don't have to tell you that she's special."

"I know that she's special, and if I had the luxury of selfishness, I would change her right now and bind her to me forever," I said. "But I have no right, absolutely none."

"You feel guilty having her with you," Alice said.

"Of course I do."

"Even though she is happy with you."

"Yes, when she isn't bleeding on the floor or running for her life or lying to her family."

"And you would rather see her dead than feel that guilt?" Alice asked, her words deceptively gentle.

"What on earth are you talking about?" I snapped back, my arms tightening around Bella reflexively. She moaned softly in her sleep, and I saw a single tear trickle from the corner of her eye. I relaxed my hold on her and stroked her hair.

I glanced at Alice and saw her watching us.

"She is going to be okay, Alice," I said, my hand in Bella's hair. "She's exhausted, and the Volturi terrified her, but she'll be fine once she's back home." I closed my eyes against the flash of pain that invaded as I anticipated our next separation and continued speaking, my jaw clenched. "Humans die, but only after long, natural lives full of change and growth. That's how it is supposed to be. Bella deserves that, and I won't take it from her." I had said these words a thousand times to Bella and to the voices in my own head, and I knew the speech by heart.

"Bella's life ended the day we left Forks, Edward," Alice said.

I started to shake my head.

Alice made another angry, impatient noise and rolled her eyes. She shut her eyes tightly for a moment, then sighed and looked at me. "Have you even looked at her, Edward?"

I started to respond with equal anger and impatience, but a glance down at Bella's sleeping form stopped me. I looked a little closer and saw what Alice was telling me. I felt my stomach drop.

The first thing that struck me was that Bella must be ill. Her eyes had dark circles beneath them. I'd noticed them earlier, but assumed it was jet lag and stress. Now, though, I noticed that she had lost weight, enough that I could feel her hip and shoulder bones pressing against me with more prominence than I'd remembered. Bella's hair was dull and tangled. I looked down at her hands and saw that her nails had been chewed to the cuticles.

"All that didn't happen today, Edward," Alice said.

"Alice, what is it? Is she sick?" Panic crept into my voice.

"She looks about how you do, Edward," Alice replied. "Except her human body isn't tolerating it so well."

My eyes widened, and I stared at Alice, unable to speak. She looked into my eyes without flinching.

"The whole family went along with this only because we were sure you would change your mind within a few days or weeks, go back, and get this martyr nonsense out of your system. We thought it would let you give yourself permission to commit to being with her. I tried not to see Bella in my visions, more for my own sake than for yours. I still saw glimpses…" Alice shuddered before continuing.

"But now I am seeing her with my eyes, and I can tell you this without using any special abilities. Your leaving is killing her, just as surely as a cancer or fever." Alice's voice broke, and her voice became sharp. "I _told you_ this would happen," she hissed, running a hand through her hair. She was truly angry now, more so than I'd seen her in a very long time.

And she wasn't done talking.

"I talked to Charlie about what happened when we left. She stopped eating. Stopped talking. They were going to hospitalize her. Is that the normal life you imagined for her?"

Now I was shaking, unable to imagine my Bella that way. I looked down at her. Her lips moved soundlessly; her brow was furrowed in her sleep. I lifted my hand to touch her cheek. I hadn't yet made contact when she grimaced and began to make an anguished, keening sound.

"Shh, Bella," I whispered, rocking her in my arms. "I'm here, you're safe." She moaned, a long, desperate sound, and then gradually settled back into quieter sleep. When I looked up again, Alice had moved and was kneeling on the floor in front of us, looking at Bella intently.

"She's been doing that for six months, Edward," Alice said. "She wakes up screaming almost every night. Charlie says he doesn't even go in there anymore when he hears her, because nothing he does helps. She screams when he touches her. She screams your name."

I felt as though I had been struck.

"Alice, god, I…" I was utterly at a loss. "I was so sure that she would recover, that she would move on."

"Like you moved on? Like you recovered?" Alice retorted with a little sniff. I looked away. Alice knew that my handling of my separation from Bella had been less than smooth.

She was right. Of course she was right.

"So, that means she's doomed, Alice?" I asked, frustrated. "I have no choice but to steal her future and her family, condemn her to an existence of isolation and violence? Blood and thirst and endless, _endless_ days?"

"Is that how you see our life, Edward?" Alice asked, her voice softening. "Is it really that miserable for you?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't. The truth was, my life before Bella had been worse than difficult. It had seemed without focus or purpose. I enjoyed the hunt but hated the blood and death. The thirst was a constant companion reminding me that I was not, and never could truly be, a man. I enjoyed my family but hated the bitter loneliness that surrounded me as night fell and everyone else went to the arms of those they loved.

My life after Bella completely different, a photo negative of what had come before. The thirst was there, even more intense with her intoxicating blood constantly calling to me, but it had lost its significance. Putting aside human blood was no longer a sacrifice, and the thirst no longer made me feel like a monster. It was simply the price of being near her, and I would have paid anything. When I was near her, I forgot entirely what it had been to be alone. Even though she slept, and I had to wait for her to return to me each morning, her gentle breathing and mumbling sleep-talk was sweet company.

What I had learned is that life as an immortal could be horrific, without love.

"Even if I can do it, Alice," I said miserably. "Even if I can take her blood and not drain her until she's dead…" I choked on the words, pausing before continuing. "Even if I can watch her scream and burn in agony while she changes, and even if she survives it… I've still taken all of her choices away. You and the others can see this life full of promise and possibility because you have the one thing necessary to make it so. It would only be that for Bella if she were to be with me."

I waited for Alice to realize the gravity of what I was telling her, but she just raised her eyebrows, as if waiting for me to finish my statement.

"Alice, she would be tied to me forever, or she would be doomed to eternal loneliness. Don't you think that a rather unfair set of choices for an eighteen-year-old girl?" I tried to explain it as if Alice were a small, not exceptionally bright child.

"And, that's different from her current situation how?" Alice said, sarcasm not-so-subtly leaking through.

The human woman Gianna suddenly rose and approached the couch around which we'd huddled.

"I'm happy to report that the sun is set and you and your guest are free to leave the city," she said, her smile plastic and professional. "Is there any further assistance I can provide you?"

"No," I said brusquely, lifting Bella in my arms and striding toward the labrynth's exit.

* * *

Bella awoke in the car, once again screaming that animal sound. I tried to hold her flailing limbs, stroked her hair and murmured soothing words. I hoped they were soothing.

"No! No! You lied! _Please!!!" _Her cries were gut-wrenching.

"Still feeling good about giving her that clean break?" Alice said coolly from behind the wheel of the car.

"Enough, Alice," I hissed, holding Bella to me and rocking her in my arms.

"No, apparently not, because my vision has not changed," she said. "So, no, not enough. Maybe another twenty hours of Bella screaming on the airplane like a colicky baby will erode a little of that Edward-knows-best veneer."

I was silent. Bella shivered and wept as I held her.

"Yes, there!" Alice chirped triumphantly. She, of course, had been aware the moment my veneer began to crack.

"I promised her," I said weakly, knowing my resolve was crumbling.

"You were wrong, Edward," Alice said, her tone beginning to gentle. "People are wrong all of the time. And you were serious, big-time wrong."

"Did I– Is she—" I couldn't finish the sentence. I tried again. "How broken is she?"

"She can come back from this Edward," Alice said slowly. "I'm afraid I can't say she _will_ come back from it. There is just too much chaos and disarray in that mind of hers right now for me to see anything clearly."

"What can I do?"

"First, I need you to decide. Decide without any backup scenario that it's you and Bella, period. I can't see much of anything very well until you do that."

I sighed.

"I'll try."


	2. Chapter 2

BPOV

I awoke to the jolt of the car coming to a stop. What car? Where? I started to sit up quickly, trying to get a look at my surroundings. Arms like steel held me in place, though, and a painfully familiar voice spoke in my ear.

"It's alright, Bella. We're at the airport now."

Edward.

"We're in Italy," I said lamely, looking out the car window at the bustling scene.

"Yes," he said, "But now we're going home."

He held me with my back against his chest, his arms wrapped over mine. I closed my eyes, feeling the shape of his body against mine, ghostly familiar. I shivered.

The car door opened, and Alice appeared, carrying the two small bags we had brought along from Forks. She smiled at me, a little hesitantly.

"We'd better hurry if we're going to catch our flight," she said.

I had to bite back panic when I felt Edwards arms loosen around me. I knew that he was just letting me get out of the car, but it felt like letting go… My breath caught and I stumbled a little as I got to my feet. Alice caught my arm and smiled at me. She looked over her shoulder at Edward with an expression that I couldn't interpret, something knowing and grave, almost angry.

A moment later Edward was at my side, supporting me. I walked between them this way as we made our way through ticketing and security, to the terminal, and finally onto the plane. Again, I found myself between the two of them in our first class seats. Edward got the flight attendant's attention and requested blankets, as many as she could find. I soon found myself all but swaddled in the wide seat.

"How are you feeling?" Edward asked, cupping my cheek in his hand. I felt my heart stutter and begin to race. I opened my mouth to answer him, but couldn't find words to explain what I was experiencing. It was sheer overload, feeling so much that I couldn't feel anything anymore. I finally just shook my head at him.

He sighed and pulled me against his shoulder, his hand in my hair. I felt Alice's small hand resting on my back a moment later. I closed my eyes, just absorbing their touch. It didn't seem real. None of it seemed real.

As the aircraft left the ground, I began to wonder if Charlie and Renee and the doctors had been right about me and my metal stability. Maybe they had even won, and I hadn't stayed in Forks, hadn't gone to Volterra at all. Maybe I was in the hospital they had talked about when they didn't think I could hear. Maybe my shattered mind had finally found a way to get Edward back, even if my body was confined in some psychiatric ward in Washington or Florida.

I felt myself start to shake.

"Bella?" Edward said, pulling back and tipping my chin up to look into my eyes. _Oh, sweet heavens, he's still so beautiful…_

A ragged sob was torn from me as I looked at his face. _Are you real? Will you stay?_

I could ask him none of these things. I didn't know if I could believe the right answer, or what I would do if he gave me the wrong one.

"Edward, here." Alice reached across me and handed something to Edward, simultaneously signaling to the flight attendant. "Can we get some water, please?" she asked, her tone uncharacteristically brusque.

I was still watching Edward's face as I cried. I couldn't seem to stop, even when I saw the concern on his face nearing panic. The crying felt like something separate from me that had grabbed on and would not let go. Edward looked past me at Alice, then nodded.

"Here, Bella," he said softly, stroking my hair again. "These will help you rest on the plane." He opened his hand, and I saw two small blue pills there.

I jerked back reflexively, remembering all of the pills that had been offered to me with similar promises. _These will help with your nightmares, Bella. These will help you with your sadness. These will make you want to see your friends again._ None of them had helped. No one seemed to understand that a hole in your chest can't be fixed with a pill.

I realized that the sobbing had grown loud in the small space of the plane's cabin.

Edward frowned at my reaction. "Please, Bella, for me," he said, leaning close to my ear. I looked into his eyes. They were desperate, pleading.

I nodded, and swallowed the pills with the bottle of water Alice held for me. Once that was done, I turned and buried my face against Edward's shoulder. A moment later, my seatbelt was off and he had shifted me onto his lap, cradled me in his arms.

Alice must have taken my seat to move closer to us, because I could feel her strong, tiny hand rubbing my back as I wept into Edward's chest. One of his arms cradled my body, the other my head. And in my ear was the sound of his voice, gently humming a lullaby that used to be mine.

I felt my body relax. Time seemed to lose focus. The questions thundering through my mind quieted, and soon there was nothing but him. I slept.

* * *

EPOV

"Thank you, Alice," I said when I was sure Bella was sleeping deeply. I didn't ask why my vampire sister was carrying prescription anti-anxiety medication with her; she must have seen that we would need them to get Bella home.

"It's Xanax," she said with a sigh. "I had hoped that I would be wrong about that particular vision."

I hated drugging Bella that way, but felt immense relief when she finally relaxed and slept. I knew that someone as small as Bella would go under for at least six to eight hours after the dose we'd given her. It should at least get us to New York.

"Will she be able to get on the plane from New York?" I asked Alice.

"I don't know," she said. "Bella's thoughts are disorganized, chaotic right now. She changes course so rapidly that I have a hard time following her."

"What does that mean?"

I was surprised to hear Alice, in her thoughts, begin to recite the scientific names of the flora native to the state of Washington, alphabetically.

"Damn it, Alice, what?" I hissed impatiently. "Why are you doing that?"

"Because the blue pills don't do a thing for vampires, Edward, and I don't need you freaking out on the plane, too," she said.

I drew a careful breath.

"If there is something wrong with Bella, I need you to tell me," I said evenly, trying to demonstrate how even-tempered I could be.

"Nice try," she said. The recitation had changed to a chronological listing of all Nobel Prize winners. "You're going to have to trust me on this one, big brother. If I'm not giving you enough credit, then I apologize in advance, but I don't feel good talking about this until we're with the whole family."

Listening to her mind intently, I heard the name _Carlisle_ slip through her litany.

"You think Bella needs a doctor?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.

She gave a little huff, glared at me, and said nothing. Very deliberately, she turned away, pulling an issue of _Skymall_ magazine out of the seatback in front of her. I was now being mentally treated to the musical stylings of Michael Bolton, in Hindi.

"Alice…" I growled.

She turned a page of the magazine, ignoring me.

Bella gave a little sigh in her sleep, and I was startled by her warm exhalation against my neck. Again, as I was almost every time I touched her, I was rocked with the certainty that there was no one in the history or future of the world who would affect me as she did. Bella was right about the thirst she had seen in my eyes, and my throat did burn. Still, that burning was barely a tickle compared to the way my heart ached for reassurance that she would stay exactly where she was, in my arms, for every remaining moment of my existence.

I was the most selfish creature on earth. I had found this amazing person, barely more than a girl, and had allowed my need for her to destroy her life. Since she had met me, she had known terror, pain, and grief no ordinary teenager should. And still, I felt my arms tightened around her, just a little.

She was so soft, so delicate. Holding Bella was like cupping a butterfly in your palm. Every day I was near her my mind was filled with visions of the one moment I would slip, fail to pay enough attention, allow myself to be careless for one instant, and hurt her. I imagined what it would sound like when her bones snapped in my grasp, if she would scream the way she did in James' video. If I could sleep, that would be my nightmare – being the one to make her scream that way.

I looked down at Bella's hand on my chest, knowing that nothing I said or did would make her consider that these fears could be valid, our relationship prohibitively dangerous. Not even my family got it, and certainly they should fully realize the kind of damage a vampire could, even unintentionally, do to a human.

Alice suddenly got up and walked to the lavatory, for no reason I could guess. The distance wouldn't be enough to keep me out of her thoughts, and by the sound of her mental recitation of Beowulf (first in the original old English, then a modern translation, and now en Español…), she knew it. I closed my eyes tightly for a moment and tried to control my growing frustration. It was clear that Alice did not intend to share any theories with me today.

Alice returned to her seat a few moments later. She continued to ignore me, pretending to sleep.

Bella, mercifully, slept in earnest until the plane touched down at La Guardia.

She stirred, blinking up at me.

"It's okay, Bella," I said softy, "We're landing now."

She nodded, yawned, and looked past me out the window of the plane as we pulled up to the terminal.

It was obvious that she was still a bit groggy as we deplaned and walked through the airport, and I kept a supporting arm around her.

Alice, for her part, seemed serene, but was still giving nothing away. She stopped short when we exited past the security checkpoints, though, and started looking around us.

"Oh, thank god," she sighed, and started waving.

I turned and saw the rest of my family standing in a group, waiting for us.

* * *

Chapter End Notes:

_I've had the proverbial hole in my chest, and writing this has been cathartic and emotional in a good way._

_Again, please continue to leave your thoughts/comments/encouragement. I'm new to this and need the motivation!_


	3. Chapter 3

BPOV

The sights and sounds of La Guardia airport seemed surreal, somehow blurry. My head felt thick, my limbs heavy. Edward's arm was around me, steering and supporting me, and Alice was at my other side. I was almost certain that I was imagining the whole thing.

A moment later, and I was sure that I was hallucinating this. They were all here, all of the Cullens, coming across the crowded airport to meet us.

Jasper reached us first. He stopped in front of Alice, and held her face gently between his hands, looking intently into her eyes. She put one of her hands over his on her cheek, and laid the other over his heart. They didn't speak, but the moment was so palpably intimate that I quickly looked away from them and to the rest of the Cullens.

Carlisle was the next to get to us, followed closely by Esme. Their expressions were that of exhausted relief.

"Oh, Edward," Esme said, putting her arms around both of us. "I… If you ever…" She choked on the words, clearly overcome. Her embrace tightened, and I whimpered.

"Careful, mom," Edward said quietly, and she released us immediately with a slightly embarrassed smile.

Carlisle stepped forward put a hand on each of our shoulders. He looked at me intently for a moment, frowning slightly. Then he turned to Edward, and frowned more. "Do that to your mother and I again, and the Volturi will be the least of your worries, understand?" he said, his voice thick with emotion.

He turned to me, touching my cheek with cool fingers.

"Bella, I cannot begin to express what our family owes to you," he began. I felt myself redden.

"Please, please don't," I mumbled, looking at my feet.

But then the others were upon us. Rosalie pushed past Carlisle and Esme. Emmett waited a few steps behind her.

"Oh my god, Edward, Bella," Rosalie began breathlessly. "I am so sorry." Her voice sounded strange, and I realized that she was crying in the odd, tearless way that vampires do.

I felt Edward stiffen and pull me closer to him. He glared at her.

"No," I said, pushing at him. "Stop that, Edward." He looked down at me with a confused frown and let me go.

Rosalie stepped closer to me and took one of my hands. She drew a deep breath, trying to pull herself together.

"Bella, I want to tell you that I am sorry for how I have treated you, and I want to thank you for saving my brother," she said seriously.

"You don't have to do that," I said. "It's okay, really." I was beyond embarrassed now. Did they think I would have ever done any of it differently? That I had any choice when I heard what Edward was planning to do?

I glanced at Edward. He was looking away from Rosalie, his expression hard.

"Edward," Rosalie pleaded, "Please…"

"Not now, Rosalie," Carlisle said gently. Their eyes met for a moment, and she nodded and stepped back. Emmett folded her into his arms, frowning at Edward.

"Carlisle," Edward said, ignoring Rosalie and Emmett, "We need to get Bella out of here."

"I'm okay," I began to protest, just as a wave of dizziness hit me and I stumbled forward. Edward caught me by the arms. He looked at Carlisle.

"Two milligrams of Xanax seven hours ago," Edward said in response, no doubt, to some unspoken question. Carlisle reacted to his answer with a frown and a nod.

"Bella," he began, "How are you feeling?" He spoke a little too slowly and gently, as if I might not understand the question.

"What?" I asked, now self-conscious. "I'm fine. A little tired."

But now that he mentioned it, it felt a little too loud in there, a little too warm. There were people pressed all around me, and I felt myself begin to sweat. My breathing quickened as I fought panic.

"Carlisle…" Edward said, his voice low and urgent.

"We've chartered a plane," Carlisle said quickly. "We can go now."

Edward held me against his chest, murmuring in my ear. "Can you walk?"

I blinked a few times, trying to clear the fog.

"Of course I can walk, Edward," I snapped, now beyond embarrassed. He nodded and his hold loosened, but he kept one arm around me as we made our way across the airport.

I felt part of myself drift away and break free, watching with detached interested as our group moved through the throngs of people and security checkpoints. I watched myself and saw what we were – seven angels and one plain, rather pale and rumpled girl. I felt pity for that girl, and a little disgust as she stumbled along beside them.

My legs obeyed automatically as I went where Edward steered me. There was something I meant to ask, I remembered that now…

"Wait," I said as we were outside, walking out toward the jet that was waiting for us. I stopped in my tracks, looking at the others in confusion. "Why are you all here? In New York, I mean?"

The group exchanged uneasy glances. Great, just as I had guessed, this was something else I didn't get to know. Carlisle finally spoke.

"Alice texted us after you took off in Florence," he said, again speaking more slowly than necessary. "She thought you and Edward might need more privacy than a commercial flight would allow."

I thought about that for a minute, not moving. It was a little odd, but maybe…

"But that doesn't explain why you're here," I insisted.

Carlisle glanced at Alice, and then Edward. None of their faces gave anything away.

"Alice was worried about you, Bella," Carlisle finally said. "And if she's worried, then I am, too."

Oh.

I felt myself flush as I nodded. I started walking again, keeping my eyes on my feet as we boarded the plane.

I glanced up at Edward as we entered the cabin. He was staring at Alice, his eyes narrow, his mouth a tight line. He caught me watching him and relaxed his expression as he buckled me into one of the seats. Soon everyone was seated, but no one spoke. There was a tension in the air that felt a little too familiar to me.

This is how everyone was last fall, I thought to myself.

"What?" Edward asked sharply, and I realized I'd spoken the thought out loud.

"Nothing," I said, wishing I could disappear into my leather chair. I wrapped my arms around myself and watched the others from under the curtain of my hair.

I mostly watched Edward. His eyes darted around the cabin, and I realized that he was listening more closely than usual to the others' thoughts. He watched me, too, his gaze probing.

I didn't know what he was expecting me to do, but he was making me really nervous. I shifted in my seat, pulling my legs up in front of me and wrapping my arms around them.

Except for the hum of the engines, the cabin was silent. Edward sat beside me, Carlisle and Esme in the seats facing us. The others had retreated to the back of the cabin. I drank in the sight of Carlisle and Esme, trying not to stare too obviously. I thought I would never see them again. My eyes darted back to Edward. He had taken them away from me once. I tried with everything in me not to ask myself the next logical question.

_Will you do it again, Edward?_

I shook my head and pressed my face against my knees. It was too much. It was everything I had wanted, everything I had ached for all this time, but it felt discordant and strange. The relief at finally seeing him, touching him, was battling with the terror I felt at the uncertainty of the situation. Then there was the tension between him and his family, hugely obvious whether they wanted to talk out loud about it or not. Was that about me? I felt sick at the thought.

I wished I could sleep the way I had on the other flight, but I felt intensely alert, and afraid that these hours were only a stay of execution for me. It would be just a tease, and a terrifying and exhausting one at that. One taste, and no more for me. We would land in Seattle soon, go on from there to Forks, and then they would all vanish again.

_It will be as though I never existed._

_"You lied!"_ I blurted out, and dissolved into tears.

* * *

EPOV

I tried to give Bella a little space, letting her sit by herself instead of in my arms where I would prefer. She had pushed me away earlier in the airport, and she seemed angry, not to mention overwhelmed. So I sat beside her and tried not to lose my mind as I ignored my need to touch her, comfort her, do anything to soothe the mounting anxiety she displayed. It was agony watching her nervous, rapid movements; hearing her accelerated breathing and heartbeat, seeing her curl up in her seat and hide. I sensed she was reaching a breaking point, but that didn't prepare me for the words that finally burst forth.

_"You lied!"_

I didn't need to ask what she meant. I was stunned, frozen for a fraction of a second. Then her tears made any ideas about giving her space a complete impossibility.

I unbuckled her, pulled her from her seat and into my arms. She remained tense, curled tightly into that self-protective ball. I wrapped her in my arms as she wept.

_Oh, poor sweetheart…_

_…may be experiencing some sort of post-traumatic…_

_…_told you_ this would happen!_

I closed my eyes tightly for a moment, trying to hide from my family's thoughts. Their reactions to Bella were like seeing her pain reflected in countless mirrors.

_Like at the ballet studio_. The thought came to me unbidden. I tried to push it aside as I rocked Bella in my arms.

"Shhh... It's okay," I whispered to her. My eyes met Carlisle's, but he looked as helpless as I felt.

We weren't going to medicate her again, not here, alone with the family, and neither my words nor my touch seemed to soothe her at all.

There was nothing to do but listen to her cry. It was a sound I had heard only rarely before this day, I realized. Bella did not cry easily.

_Is that why her heartbreak was so hard to imagine?_ I wondered. Because, truly, I had never pictured her like this. She had always seemed so much stronger than me; I had believed that when I left –

_You didn't want to know what her heartbreak would look like. That's why you ran._

I almost looked for Alice before I realized that the thought was my own. And I realized it was absolutely true. The thought of Bella – my strong, smart, funny Bella – reduced to something less… It was blasphemy. I didn't want to believe it was possible, much less bear witness to it. That is why I had told her goodbye and then run like a rabbit.

There was no running now, though. It was just me, my family, Bella, and her suffering. I watched Carlisle and Esme exchange guilty looks, and I didn't need to hear their thoughts to know that they claimed their own share of responsibility in this. I wanted to tell them it wasn't true, that it was only me, always me.

A sudden wave of pain washed over me, making me gasp aloud. I felt something almost physically tear inside my chest, and I could not control the sob that escaped. Bella grief called to mine and would not be denied for another moment. There was no more room for planning and fixing, no more excuses for running and hiding. In my mind, I could almost hear our love screaming over my betrayal.

"Oh, _Bella_," I choked.

I didn't think about anything as I pressed my face into her hair and cried with her.

I don't know how much time passed, or what my family was thinking. I couldn't. The focus on our shared pain was utterly singular.

I had worked so hard to put it off, and I suspect she had done the same.

_Blasphemy_, I thought again. Denying her, denying my need for her for even one moment… It was like saying there was no sun, no ocean. For me, every other truth could only live secondarily to the fact that she was my life, always. It wasn't complicated; it never had been. I felt dizzy at the realization.

I thought the words well before I was capable of speaking them. It felt like years before the intensity of our mutual outpouring began to subside, and I found my voice.

I shifted my hold on her, gripping her possessively. My fingers twined into her hair, and I turned my head so my lips were at her ear as I spoke.

"_Never again_," I said, my voice a low growl.

Somewhere in the distance, I could hear Alice laughing with delight.


	4. Chapter 4

BPOV

He carried me from the plane. I didn't protest. For one thing, I was exhausted. Also, I couldn't quite make my arms let go of him. Plus, he felt, really, really good pressed against me. I am sure people were staring at us in the airport, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

_Never again_, he'd said. _Did that mean....?_ I couldn't quite finish the thought. My heart pounded at the possibility, though, and my arms clutched at him more tightly. I felt a terrifying little seedling of hope sprout inside me.

"She needs to eat something," he said as Jasper and Emmett pulled up in Carlisle's Merdedes and an SUV I didn't remember seeing before. Carlisle nodded, glanced over at me, and looked at Edward sharply.

"Yes," Edward said, his teeth clenched. "I've noticed."

"What?" I asked, confused.

They exchanged glances while I waited for an answer. Carlisle raised an eyebrow at Edward, and his expression… Was that admonishment? I hated that it was hard to remember the last time I'd seen Carlisle look at one of his family that way.

Edward finally sighed and looked away from his father to me.

"You've lost some weight, Bella," he said. "Carlisle is concerned, as am I."

"Oh," I said, not sure what I should say. Fortunately, there wasn't time for a discussion, as Emmett was opening the back door of the Mercedes for us. Edward lowered me in, buckling my seatbelt around me.

Carlisle drove. It was late afternoon, predictably overcast. Once we were clear of the airport, Carlisle pulled into a diner. I imagined sitting and eating in the disheveled state I was in while seven Cullens watched me.

"Please, I can wait until we're back in Forks," I begged.

"No," Edward said immediately. He saw my surprised expression and started over. "I'll get it to go and you can have it in the car if you don't want to go in, but you need to eat something now."

"Fine," I said, a little breathless, more than a little irritated. I was glad he couldn't read my mind as I remembered all of the meals I'd missed over the last six months. If that sort of thing mattered to him, why hadn't he been there to force diner food on me then?

"Edward, will you please go in and get the food?" Carlisle said.

Edward started to protest, but stopped. He looked as though he were listening to something I couldn't hear. I could have screamed; the silent communication thing was definitely something that I had not missed.

"Bella," Edward finally said, frowning. "I'll be back in a few minutes." He squeezed my hand once before getting out of the car and shutting the door.

Wow. Carlisle had won that argument. I felt a little stunned as I watched Edward walk into the restaurant, out of my sight.

It suddenly felt a little hard to breathe. I put my head in my hands, trying to focus, trying to think about anything other than his absence.

"_Stop it_," I whispered to myself. I knew that freaking out right now was not justified. He was _right there_. I knew that in my head, but that old familiar pain in my chest started to throb, immediately ready to pick up where it left off.

"Bella," Carlisle said. I looked up and saw him looking back at me from the front seat. His eyes were gentle. "It's okay; he'll be right back."

"I know," I said, trying to blink my tears back. His compassion right now was almost too much. "Of course I know that. I don't know what this is." I gestured at myself vaguely.

"You've been through a lot, and not just in Italy," he said tentatively. It almost sounded like a question.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said. I didn't want to talk about this. They couldn't want to know about any of this. And it certainly wasn't helping with the lack of oxygen inside the car.

"Bella, we all want to help make this better for you," he said. He was doing that slow, careful talking thing again. It was the Bella-is-crazy way of talking.

I wanted to tell him not to worry about it, that I would be fine. After so many tears, though, and how messed up I apparently looked to all of them, I knew it was more of a lie than he would accept. It was more of a lie than I wanted to give them.

So instead I said, "I don't know if it works that way, Carlisle. A lot of people tried to help me."

"Your parents?"

"Yeah," I said, remembering Charlie shaking me awake when I would scream at night, Renee's encouraging greeting cards and cheery-not-quite-hiding-concerned phone calls. "And my friends, at least at first."

"And later?"

I shrugged. "They all kind of backed off when it looked like I wasn't going to snap out of it, but I wasn't going to kill myself or anything, either." I winced a little at the words, remembering the vision that had brought Alice back to Forks to begin with.

"Bella, did you ever… see a doctor during all of this?" He met my gaze carefully, apparently aware of how touchy a subject this was for me.

"Um, I saw Dr. Gerandy a couple of times," I said evasively. I didn't want to explain about the first time I saw him, the night I spent in the woods where Edward had left me.

"What about a therapist?"

I shut my eyes. "Charlie tried to make me see one. I wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"What would I have told them?" I asked, surprised at the edge of anger in my voice. "How could I have explained all of it to a stranger?"

"I'm sorry, Bella," Carlisle said heavily. "We really did leave you alone in the worst way, didn't we?"

I didn't answer at first, hoping he would change the subject or Edward would return. The silence finally got to me, though.

"I thought you all liked me," I said quietly, no longer able to keep the tears from leaking down my cheeks. "I didn't know where you were, and after a while, it felt like you had never been real, none of you."

Carlisle nodded, and I kept going.

"And everyone just kept waiting for me to get over it. After a month, two months, no one could understand why I was still so messed up over some boy I had been dating." I looked out the window at the door to the diner. "And you know what? I get that, I really do. I know that most girls my age have their cry and eat some ice cream and just… get over it. But, _it was never going to happen, _Carlisle. Never. Alice could have come back in another year, or another ten, and I would still be hurting from this. I can't tell you why, but I am absolutely certain of it. How could I have told them _that_? They would have thought I was just being a dramatic teenager, or more obsessed and nuts than they had already guessed. I mean, can _you_ even start to believe me, right now?" I looked up at him helplessly.

I hadn't intended to say so much, but he didn't look phased.

"We believe you, Bella," he said, his face serious.

"Of course we do," Esme added.

"Why is that?" I asked through my tears, my vision unfocused. "Why is it so easy for you to believe how it's been unless…" I stopped and stared at them. "You do. You guys think I'm crazy, too."

"Bella, no," Esme said immediately.

"Of course you do," I continued, talking more to myself than to them. "Of course I am. Why else would I stop talking and eating over a guy who told me that he doesn't want me anymore, that he's tired of being with me."

Carlisle's expression changed suddenly. He no longer looked concerned; he looked furious.

"Edward told you these things?" he asked tightly.

I nodded, feeling a blush creep up my neck. It was humiliating, talking about how thoroughly I had been rejected. It was worse admitting how hard it had hit me, how much I had missed him. I felt like an idiot. Still, there didn't seem any point to hiding this from them, if they really wanted to know. After all, they had just been stuck in an airplane with me while I had a very noisy emotional fit. Any chance at dignity in this reunion seemed to be well passed.

"He told me that… your kind tend to get _distracted_ easily," I continued. "He said that he would always love me – in a way, but that he was… ready for a change."

A very unladylike curse came from Esme's direction.

"No, Esme," I said quickly. "I mean, I couldn't really blame him. I hated it; of course I did. But I knew it was just a matter of time. I… had always expected him to tell me those things." I stared into the distance, my voice trailing off to a bare whisper. "But somehow, I was still surprised to hear them. How stupid is that?"

The car door opened suddenly, cutting off any response. Edward got back into the car, handing me a Styrofoam cup and a plastic bag filled with smaller containers.. His eyes were blazing as they locked on Carlisle's. I had never seen that expression on his father's face. I had never seen Carlisle so angry.

Of course, Edward had heard everything through their minds. I'd forgotten about that. I felt sick.

"Later," Carlisle hissed at him, and turned to resume driving. We pulled out of the parking lot and back onto the freeway. I noted without much interest that the other car hadn't stopped with us.

I took a sip of the Coke Edward had brought me, barely registering the cold, bubbly sensation in my mouth.

"Thank you," I mumbled. He didn't answer, but took the bag of food from me and removed a Styrofoam bowl. He took the plastic lid off of the container, and the aroma of the contents – I was guessing vegetable soup – filled the car's interior. He rifled through the bag until he came up with a plastic spoon, and then handed it to me with the bowl.

I felt my stomach turn as I explored the soup with the spoon. It looked like vegetable beef. _No way_, my stomach warned as I stirred a piece of well-boiled cabbage from the bottom of the bowl. Not if Carlisle liked the nice leather seats in his car.

"Edward," I said, my face burning. "I'm… not feeling great. I don't think I can eat anything just now."

He looked at me in frustration, and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. He started to speak, but was interrupted before he could get the words out.

"That's okay, Bella," Carlisle said from the front seat. "Edward, why don't you let Esme hold the food while we drive so Bella can rest?"

I saw Edward tense beside me, but he didn't object. He took the soup from me, packed it back up, and handed the bag forward to Esme. She gave me a gentle smile as she took it.

"Bella," Edward said softly. "Do you think you can try to drink a little bit more?"

I thought about it and took another sip. I couldn't taste anything, but the queasy sensation in my belly didn't seem to get worse. I drank about half of the cup before I started to feel uncomfortably full. I shook my head a little and handed the cup back to Edward. I could tell that the smile he gave me took some effort on his part.

I sat up straight in my seat, my hands clasped tightly in my lap, as he put the cup into a holder in the door next to him. I felt so awkward, wanting to touch Edward again, not knowing how to reach for him or if he would even want me to after I had spilled so much of _that_ conversation to Carlisle. I could have smacked myself for not thinking that through better. He had been coming back to me; I could have almost sworn to it when he had cried with me on the plane. I had felt the change in the way he held me, and then he had said those words.

I had messed it up, though, again.

I suddenly felt a cold hand cover both of mine.

"Bella, come here," he said softly, turning his body toward mine.

I didn't pause to think before I obeyed, sliding as close to him as my seatbelt would allow. He closed the remaining distance, helped by his lack of need for a seatbelt. I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding as he folded his arms around me, pulling me against his chest.

_Yes…_ My body sighed with relief at the contact.

We fit together perfectly. It wasn't about being the same. There had probably never been another couple in history more different than him and me, and I knew that a moment like this, when the chilly hardness of his body was pressed all around me, should make me all the more aware of that reality. Instead, I could only feel what I had always felt when he touched me – that it was natural, meant. That's what I felt when he held me, and I had never doubted it. Now, though, as we sped along the expressway, his hands lightly stroking my back, I began to wonder how touching me really felt to _him_.

I knew that I was much softer, much warmer than him. I knew that his strength meant he could kill me almost instantly. Maybe these were more than just pragmatic concerns for him. The alien feel of my body might be more distracting than pleasant. His need to be careful with me, to always think about every aspect of every touch, might be exhausting. Maybe this was part of what had made him so _tired _of being with a human girl. Did he still feel that way? Was he holding me only because he thought I wanted it, or, worse, to keep me from making yet another scene in front of his parents?

The thought twisted through me like a toxin, burning painfully in my veins.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked when he felt me stiffen. He leaned away from me so he could see my face. "Bella, what is it?"

"You don't have to do this," I whispered. I started to pull away from him, flustered.

"Do what?" he asked, alarmed. "Bella, talk to me!"

I looked helplessly into his black eyes. I wanted to disappear. I needed so badly to touch him, but there was so much I still didn't understand. There were so many things I wanted to say, and more still that I needed to hear. For the first time, I began to despair in a new way.

Even if he had changed his mind and actually wanted to be with me again, could it ever be the same? Could I ever just let him hold me, and just _be_ with him the way I used to, without thought or fear?

I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head, willing away the panic I could feel gathering. I _would not_ fall apart again. No way. If my only other option was false comfort, then so be it.

I swallowed my embarrassment and laid my head against his chest again, hating the thrill of pleasure I felt when I did.

"I'm okay," I said. After a long moment, I felt him relax and pull me a little closer.

We were silent as the car propelled me toward Forks and the inevitable answers to all the questions I could not make myself ask.

A few minutes later, I heard a cell phone ring.

"Yes?" I heard Carlisle say. There was silence, and then Edward shifted suddenly against me.

"What?" he hissed. "Carlisle, we can't."

"Yes, I understand," Carlisle said, still on the phone. I looked up in time to see him snap the phone closed. His eyes flicked over to mine in the rearview mirror. "I apologize, Bella, but you're going to have to make more excuses to your father. I don't know all of what Alice saw, but she was adamant. We can't take you back. You're coming home with us tonight."

* * *

EPOV

I knew that, by now, every one of my family members was furious with me. Their relief at seeing me alive had quickly been eclipsed by their shock over Bella's condition. Didn't they realize that they didn't need to hate me for this? I was already seeing to that quite thoroughly myself. Still, their thoughts continued to batter my mind as we drove.

_Easily distracted, Edward? Easily _distracted_?_

Carlisle kept returning to that one.

_She thinks you don't want her_, Esme thought heatedly. _That she was some toy you got bored with. How could you, Edward?_

_You're afraid for her, Edward_, Carlisle continued, gripping the wheel tightly as he drove._ I can see that, but I never imagined such cruelty in you…_

They didn't understand, not at all. How could they?

I tried not to react outwardly as I pulled Bella against me, but I all but shook with the intensity of my hurt and anger. Overwhelmed, I struggled to remember the exact position of Bella's shoulders, her skull, every precious and breakable part of her that I held so that I wouldn't hurt her.

_He has no idea how lucky he is_, I thought bitterly.

I rarely let myself think about it, but Carlisle and Esme's freedom together, along with the other couples in my family, was something I coveted badly. Their mates had come equipped for eternity, and they did not have to fear destroying them with a touch. Carlisle would never try to stroke Esme's back and crush her spine. Esme couldn't be killed crossing a street, would never become ill or grow old. Every sunrise and sunset would find them together in the world.

We always make jokes of our greatest fears, the largest of these for me being Bella's unfortunate lack of coordination and terrible luck. We laughed and teased, but I never could forget that any moment could contain the end of the world for me. I could drive her everywhere, stay in her room every night, guard her every possible hour, and still, it would only take shaking the wrong hand for her to become infected with a killing disease. It would only take a moment of inattention on my part, or bad luck on hers, for her to be gone forever.

And even if _I_ never failed her that way, as a human being, Bella's sunrises and sunsets were numbered. No matter how careful I was when I touched her, no matter how diligently I protected her, there was no escaping the fact that, one day, Bella's beautiful brown eyes would close and never open again.

I knew Alice's solution to these concerns, and my god, it had tempted me. When Bella had all but begged me for immortality, had closed her eyes and exposed her neck to me, completely willing… Despite the setting, despite the nearness of the other humans, I had nearly given her what she asked. I had imagined clutching her to me and running, not stopping until we were in my home, our home. I would take her there, take her blood, her body, her future. I would claim her as mine, forever.

But then I had remembered what would come after.

First would be the pain, a kind of pain Bella had never imagined. She would beg to die – we all had during the change. She would hate us. She would writhe and scream and curse my name. She would be burned alive before my eyes, trapped where I could not soothe or save her.

And when that finally passed, she would awaken, thirsty and terrified. Her body and her world would be strange to her, and nothing I did could bring back what she had lost. We would have to physically restrain her to keep her from human blood, in the beginning. Half of us had managed to take human life despite our own resolve and the efforts of our family. I shuddered as I remembered the aftermath of those times, when the thirst would recede and there would be nothing left but my monstrous self and the corpse I held to my lips. How could I make her understand the hell that was contained in that moment?

I couldn't. There were no words for such things. I could never make her understand, but I could protect her from it. And I would, even if it meant the denial of my greatest, most secret wish, that to possess her eternally.

I would protect her from that, even if it meant an eternity alone, made infinitely more painful by the knowledge of what could have been, what _had_ been. I would spend every one of my unending days remembering the miracle of her love.

I knew that I would never leave her again. If she ordered me away, I would stay out of her sight for the rest of her life, but I would never leave her again. It was simply impossible to imagine never knowing if she had finally begun to heal or if she were still fading away like some living dream. So I would stay as near as she would allow me, and I would know for myself that she is safe and whole. I couldn't live another single day without that knowledge, not after seeing her like this. If I had to watch her love another, share his life, even raise the children I would never give her, I would do that.

And if, by some miracle, she still wanted my love, she would have it. My chest felt tight with longing, my lungs full of her scent. I ran my hands along her back, wincing at the definition of her spine and ribs. I wanted to touch her for hours, relearning every curve and plane of her body. I wanted to touch her until it didn't feel new anymore, until neither of us could remember anything but the sensation of that contact.

Bella's heartbeat began to quicken, and her body became tense against mine.

"What's wrong?" I asked. I moved so that I could see her face. She looked like she was in pain. "Bella, what is it?" I asked, alarmed.

"You don't have to do this," she said.

"Do what?" I asked, confused, beyond frustrated by my inability to hear her thoughts. Then she started to push me away.

It was too much. I had wanted to wait until I could be alone with her, but the enormity of her hurt combined with my need for her

"Bella, talk to me!" I begged her.

She looked at me, and I could see the struggle behind her eyes. The weight of everything still unsaid between us pressed in. We were both desperate for relief from the waiting, but neither of us was ready to begin.

"I'm fine," she said.

I knew she wasn't, but she let me hold her again. When she was in my arms, the pain to come didn't seem so large. Without any more knowledge to comfort me, I somehow felt that, as long as we could somehow connect, we would heal. Her touch did that for me.

Alice called Carlisle's cell phone. Jasper's car was too far ahead for me to hear their minds, and I suspected that it was intentional.

I listened as my sister spoke to Carlisle.

"She can't go home, Carlisle. I know you wanted to get her back so Charlie wouldn't worry, but if we do that, we lose her. I'm absolutely certain about this. Don't let Edward talk you out of it."

"What? Carlisle, we can't!" I protested. Although I couldn't quite get my mind around walking Bella to her front door and saying goodnight, I knew very well that we had no right to keep her from her father. What if she objected? Would we just kidnap her?

_It's not your concern, Edward. You've lost the privilege of making decisions as far as she is concerned, at least for a while_.

Although he did not so much as look at me, Carlisle broadcasted the reprimand clearly, leaving me stunned.

"Yes, I understand," Carlisle ended the call, and glanced at Bella in the rearview mirror. "I apologize, Bella, but you're going to have to make more excuses to your father. I don't know all of what Alice saw, but she was adamant. We can't take you back. You're coming home with us tonight."

Bella looked confused, conflicted. Finally she looked up at Carlisle.

"Okay," she said simply. She curled up against me again, closing her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

EPOV

Dusk had fallen in Forks. We didn't drive into town, but went straight to the house. I saw the lights on inside as we pulled up. Alice was waiting for us on the porch.

_I love you, Edward_, she thought, fixing her dark eyes on mine as I helped Bella out of the car. _We all do._

I looked away.

Bella kept her head down as we approached the house, her posture hunched. Her arms were wrapped around her midsection.

"Are you cold?" I asked her. I wasn't sure if the others had warmed the house to a temperature comfortable for humans yet.

She looked up at me, startled.

"No," she said, and dropped her gaze again.

I kept my arm around her shoulders as we went through the door. I noticed that Alice had stayed outside to talk with Carlisle and Esme.

The family had been busy during my trip. All of the furniture had been removed from storage and returned to the house, and most of the things we brought along with us as we moved around were already back in place. Photographs hung on the walls; candles burned in sconces. There were even fresh flowers on the dining table. My piano occupied its former place. There wasn't so much as a cobweb or layer of dust on anything, as far as I could tell.

I almost smiled; Alice had been pretty sure of herself, indeed.

Or maybe, it occurred to me, they just hadn't know what else to do while they waited to see if any of us would return. I felt a sharp pang of guilt at the thought. I glanced at Jasper, noticing for the first time how weary he looked. He must have been losing his mind while Alice was gone.

I would talk with him, apologize for all of it, soon. First, though, I needed to care for Bella however I could. I guided her through the foyer and into the living room, where she froze, staring.

"Bella?" I said. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes were huge as she looked around the room. She pushed away from me, and I reluctantly moved my arm. She half-stumbled toward the piano, stopping there. She reached for it with trembling hands, first lightly touching the surface, then laying both hands flat against it. She leaned over, braced against the instrument, her hair falling forward, hiding her face.

"It's all here," she whispered, breathing fast. "Again. It's all… again." She started to shake.

"Catch her, Edward," Alice said, suddenly beside me. In the next instant, Bella's knees buckled, and I was there, lifting her into my arms.

"_Bella_," I gasped.

I cradled her like an infant, watching as her expression changed from confused to anguished, and then to utterly blank. The emptiness in her eyes was the most disturbing thing I had seen in her since our reunion.

"Bella!" I cried, shaking her a little. She lay in my arms like a doll, unmoving. Her breathing and heartbeat had steadied, but she didn't make the smallest sign to show she had heard me. "Carlisle!" I called.

He crouched over me, Alice beside him. I don't know when I had fallen to my knees with her.

Carlisle touched her face, felt her pulse at her neck. He looked into her eyes one at a time, passing a pen light across them.

He and Alice exchanged a dark look.

"I saw this," she whispered.

"What is happening to her?" I asked with a sob.

"I don't think it's physical. I think she's retreating, withdrawing mentally," Carlisle said. He didn't say the word aloud, but I heard it in his mind – _catatonic_.

"Alice, why?" I begged. I needed something, anything, that would let me fix Bella, undo this damage.

"I don't know why," Alice said, shaking her head. "Since the plane, everything in Bella's future has been fragmented, unsettled. There wasn't anything to follow, no real decisions or course. It was like being inside a mind that was being shaken hard." She leaned forward and touched Bella's cheek. "I didn't know if she was going to get better or worse, or when. I did see this as a possible future, though."

"For how long?" I asked, anguished.

"Until she can decide to return," Alice said. She looked at me helplessly. "I don't know any more than that, only that she needs us right now, needs us to stay with her no matter what."

I pulled Bella against me, burying my face in her neck. I couldn't move, couldn't think. I breathed in her scent, trying to find some part of her that had been untouched by her pain.

I heard Jasper curse from the other room. "Enough," he hissed. "He's too thirsty, Carlisle."

"Edward, give her to Esme," Carlisle said, his voice suddenly careful, measured. "I'm taking you to hunt."

"No, Carlisle," I growled, frozen. My thirst began to burn more insistently. I ignored it and clung to her.

"You're not safe with her right now," Jasper said, his voice much closer than I expected. "Go with Carlisle."

I looked up and saw Jasper and Emmett standing behind Carlisle. They were half-crouched, poised to move quickly if necessary. Alice looked at me with wary eyes.

"I _can't_ leave her right now," I said, willing them to understand.

"How long has it been since you've hunted?" Alice asked.

I tried to think. Had I hunted before flying to Italy, or only intended to? I couldn't remember. My throat burned.

Jasper drew a breath sharply. "_Now_, Edward," he said, his posture tense. _I can feel your thirst. If you don't go right now, we will make you go_, he warned me in his thoughts.

I felt Esme's hand on my arm, and, somehow, I didn't fight her as she turned me toward her, lifted Bella from me. I looked into my mother's eyes.

"I'll take care of her, Edward," she said, her face both sad and gentle. "Go with your father now."

I stood, feeling numb. Carlisle put his arm around my shoulders, moving me toward the door. I looked back a final time at my family. They had moved into a protective circle around Esme and Bella. Jasper and Emmett's eyes never left me. They were protecting her from _me_. I felt sick and turned away, following Carlisle to the front door.

As soon as we crossed the threshold, I pushed Carlisle's arm off of me and fled into the woods.

* * *

I couldn't remember scenting the deer or the brief chase afterward. It seemed as though one moment I was running with no goal in mind, and the next I was drinking deeply. The animal didn't taste like anything to me, but I felt the blood saturating me from within, reviving and strengthening me. I dropped the deer as soon as I had drained it and quickly looked for another. Only when I had finished my third did I stop, finally coming to rest in the boughs of an ancient pine.

"Feel better?" Carlisle asked, suddenly beside me. He lounged almost casually against a fork in the branches. He was immaculate next to my travel-worn and blood-spattered self, but I could smell animal blood on him. He had hunted as well.

"Yes," I said, meaning it. The clarity of mind immediately following a hunt was heightened by the realization of how starved I had been. Between the thirst and my fear for Bella, I had been half-crazed. "Thank you." I meant that, too. I don't know what would have happened if my family hadn't recognized my state and intervened.

"We need to talk, Edward."

I sighed. He went on.

"You crossed a line, and I'm not just talking about what you did to her," he said. "You lied to us all."

"She wasn't going to listen to me, Carlisle," I said. "What I told you is what I had planned to tell her, but it wasn't any good. She wasn't going to accept it."

"And you didn't stop to wonder what that might mean?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?"

Carlisle sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a very human gesture, one that generally meant he was growing frustrated. He drew a deep breath and started over.

"I think we've all been missing something important about you and Bella," he said. "We have spent so many years living alongside humans that it seemed a given that your relationship with her would be just that – another imitation of a human interaction. We expected that you would adapt, and she would stay what she was – a human teenage girl. You did adapt; I know you did. You had to just to keep her alive. You're not the only one who did, though, Edward."

I stared at him, trying to understand.

"We've underestimated her, Edward," he continued. "The things Bella told me today were shocking, and I'm not just talking about your behavior. We will be discussing that further, but right now I'm talking about her experiences, her reaction to losing you." His eyes were intense as he spoke the next words. "It wasn't human."

"What do you mean?"

Instead of answering me, he seemed to change topics.

"I know that you try to give us our privacy in our thoughts, Edward, particularly when it comes to our relationships with our mates. Still, I'm sure you are aware of how deeply connected we are. Esme and I… It's not easy for us to go even a few days without being together, even after all these years." His mind filled with images of her, some simple, some intimate, all clearly through the eyes of someone deeply in love.

I nodded, not sure where he was going with this.

"She's a part of me," he continued, "and I don't mean that in a poetic way. It physically hurts to be away from her. To think about losing her…" He looked distant for a moment, then shook his head a little. "I can't even imagine it. I don't think either of us could survive it. As far as I can tell, it's the same for your siblings, and for every other closely-mated vampire I've known. We're different from humans that way. They hope to mate for life – we nearly always do."

"And you think that Bella is attached to _me_ this way," I said incredulously. It was hard to imagine; she was so young, so innocent.

"I do, Edward," he said, his voice full of conviction. "I would have warned you at the beginning if I had dreamed it possible, but I've never known another couple like the two of you. How could I have known?"

"I don't believe it," I said, shaking my head. I didn't want to believe it. "Are you saying that she has no choice?"

"I don't think either of you do," he said. "Or, rather, your choices are very limited. You can accept that you belong to each other, permanently, or you can both be destroyed."

"That's a little extreme," I said, but his statement felt true, not extreme in the least, when I remembered Rosalie's call. The grief had hit me like a boulder, followed quickly by the question of how – not if – I would find a way to follow her into death. There had been no decision, no hesitation. If she did not live, then neither did I.

Carlisle watched me as the realization sunk in.

_Yes, Edward. It's just the same for her._

Sometimes I wondered if I were the only mind reader in the family.

"And that brings me to the next issue we need to discuss," he said, continuing to speak as the implications of his words rocked me. "You've been away from the family for quite a while, and I need to bring you up to speed on some things.

"I expect you've noticed that you are not the only one who's been missing Bella. The incident at Bella's party shook us all, and we reacted almost as rashly as you did. Once it had passed, though, and we were settled again away from Forks, no one was sure we'd done the right thing. Alice cried for weeks; she was afraid she'd lost both of you, and she felt she should have been able to see it and help somehow. Jasper withdrew, both from the guilt and from the pain he felt in the rest of us. Esme felt as though she'd lost a daughter. Even Emmett and Rosalie missed her, missed how she had made you come alive inside."

I felt a rush of anger when he mentioned Rosalie.

"Why do I find that hard to believe?" I asked bitterly.

"You really are mistaken about her, Edward," Carlisle said. "She feels responsible for everything that happened in Italy, but for that matter, so do Alice, Jasper, your mother, and I. Rosalie called you because she knows you, and she knew you would want to know. She knew you wouldn't want to be protected from this. Rosalie has some experience with dealing with the rougher aspects of life, and she believed that the sooner you knew the truth, the sooner you would start to heal. She just wanted you to return to us, Edward. She had no idea what the news would do to you; she's never quite understood how things are between you and Bella."

I watched the scene in his mind. The family was overcome with grief, and everyone had a reason to put off telling me what Alice had seen. It wasn't that they weren't sure – Esme was indeed weeping as she would for her own child. Finally, Rosalie took out her phone made the call that no one else would, because, like it or not, she knew that I needed to know. She did it with absolutely no pleasure, and only when she'd done what she correctly believed I would have wanted did she allow herself to break down. I watched as Carlisle remembered Emmett taking the phone from her hand and silently carrying her upstairs as she sobbed into his chest.

"I owe her an apology," I said softly, bewildered.

"You do, as well as your thanks. She's taking your side when it comes to changing Bella."

"What?" I asked, startled. "What does that have to do with this?"

"As I said, leaving Forks gave us all time to think about Bella's place in our family. I suppose it was just a matter of time before the discussion turned to the possibility of her immortality. We talked, theorized, debated for days. Can you believe we even took a vote at one point?" He laughed.

"How did it come out?" I asked angrily. They had no right to even consider such a thing for her.

Carlisle spoke as though he didn't notice my outrage.

"Alice was in favor, of course. Esme voted yes; she thought it would let her keep you both." He smiled at the memory. "Emmett voted yes. He said he didn't understand why you hadn't bitten her months ago and saved everyone a lot of trouble. He sees things in clearer terms than the rest of us. I envy him that sometimes."

I wasn't surprised, but I was curious as to how the rest had voted. "And Jasper?" I asked.

"He voted no," Carlisle said, no longer smiling. "He said he couldn't imagine managing Bella the way he had the other newborn vampires he had worked with. You know his experiences were rather different than the ones we had with new members of our family." _He had to destroy some of them_, Carlisle added silently.

I did know, and I was grateful that Jasper had reminded them that this life wasn't all about shopping and baseball.

"Rosalie voted no," he continued. "She didn't think that it was possible for Bella to make an informed choice about this. She said there were some things that no one could prepare you for, and she thought that Bella would regret losing her human life."

"She's right," I said. I had no idea that Rosalie understood me so perfectly on this issue. I remembered that there was one more vote. "What about you, Carlisle? Would you change her if it were up to you?" _Although it's _not_ up to you_, I added to myself.

He sighed, and I felt more than a little relief when I heard his thoughts.

"No, Edward, I wouldn't," he said. "I couldn't. I've sworn to do no harm, and changing a healthy human being is more than I can justify as a physician."

"I'm glad you understand why Bella should remain human," I said, pleased.

"I never said I thought she should remain human, only that I couldn't be the one to change her," he said. "And I can't choose the change for her. If the two of you were to choose that together, though, I would support you, and help you however I was able."

"Carlisle, it amounts to the same thing!"

"If you say so," he said, clearly not convinced. "But I think that you are the only one of us who could do this for her safely and ethically, if that were her choice."

"You're so certain I could do it safely?" I snapped. "Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is for me? How much I _want_ her?" My hands clenched into fists against my thighs.

"Probably not," he said. "But I know you have the will to do it. I've seen it."

He remembered me with Bella's hand pressed to my lips while she shook on the floor at the dance studio. I saw myself in his mind – the cords of my neck stood out, and I trembled with the effort as I released her hand, pushing away the blood I had been created to drink.

"And you're so certain I could do that again," I said, shaking my head. I don't know how I had managed the first time; I couldn't imagine betting her life on the chance that I could do it again.

"I am certain," he said simply. He put a hand on my shoulder. "Let's get back home, Edward. We've talked enough for now."

I nodded my agreement and followed him back through the trees.


	6. Chapter 6

EPOV

The house was quiet when we returned. Jasper and Alice had left to hunt together, and Rosalie and Emmett were in their bedroom.

"Why don't you go shower and change?" Carlisle suggested, glancing at my filthy clothes. "Esme is with Bella in your room. I'll wait there with her."

I nodded, fighting the instinct to go to her immediately. He was right; I needed to clean up. I went into the hall bath, and Carlisle went toward my room. I showered quickly, feeling the hot water wash the dirt of untold weeks from me. A clean t-shirt and drawstring pants had been laid out for me, and I slipped them on quickly before going down the hall to my bedroom.

I stopped in the doorway, staring.

There was a bed in my room. The long couch that normally occupied much of the space was gone, and in its place was a queen-sized bed, complete with ivory-colored linens and a sleek, natural wood headboard. Bella was curled on the far side of the mattress, facing away from me, the blankets pulled up to her shoulders. I could see her face reflected in the glass opposite me. Her eyes were closed, and my sense of her heartbeat and breathing told me that she was asleep. Her hair was fanned out on the pillow behind her; it looked damp.

Esme was sitting beside Bella on the bed, her legs tucked beneath her. She stroked Bella's hair, humming softly. Carlisle stood behind her, his hand on his wife's shoulder. His expression was unreadable as he watched them both.

"Alice?" I asked, staring at the new bed. They both looked over at me.

Carlisle nodded, smiling a little sadly. "She ordered it just before Bella's party. There wasn't any vision; I think she was just losing patience with you."

I felt a pain at his words. The bed had been meant to be somewhere for me to love Bella, somewhere we would laugh and touch and discover together. Instead, she was lying in it, broken. I crossed the room to stand beside the bed, crouching down so I could better see her face. Her eyes were closed, and I watched them flutter beneath the lids. She was dreaming.

My chest ached. I looked up at my parents miserably, asking them without words to tell me something, anything, that meant she was getting better. I needed to hear that she would know me when she awakened.

"She woke up a little when I was giving her a bath," Esme said. "She was able to walk on her own, use the bathroom, help me dress her. She didn't speak, though, and I'm not sure if she could really understand what I was saying."

Esme's memory showed Bella moving mechanically under Esme's guidance. Bella's eyes were distant, blank. I watched her body going through the motions of the tasks automatically – brushing her teeth, dressing for bed, sliding between the sheets – but there wasn't a trace of _her_ in them. It was like watching a living corpse.

"I examined her while you were in the shower," Carlisle added. "I still didn't find anything physically wrong with her, apart from her usual bruises and scrapes, and the fact that she's seriously undernourished." He sighed. "If she isn't able to eat and drink by tomorrow, we'll need to make some decisions, Edward."

I knew he was thinking about hospitals, and about Charlie. Something like panic threatened when I imagined them coming here and taking her from me. Having Bella beyond my reach was suddenly unthinkable.

"I'm not leaving her, Carlisle," I said, my voice harsh. I glared at him defiantly.

Carlisle looked at me intently. "Good," he said quietly. "Because she is one of us, Edward. We forgot that once; it will not happen again, not even for you."

I blinked once, surprised, feeling the weight of the conviction behind his words. Esme's thoughts, laced with both compassion and determination, seconded his statement. I met their gaze, one after the other.

"I understand," I said. "And I swear that I won't ask it of you."

_Never again_, I thought, the words soothing me. Fear brushed against the back of my mind, but it could not penetrate the growing certainty that there was only one choice for me when it came to her. I could remember every single reason I had rejected a future with her, but none of them seemed to weigh anything. She was my gravity, and I had begun to realize that, no matter how far I fled from her, from _us_, I would always fall back to earth. It wasn't about right, wrong, or what might have been. The laws of my universe demanded her presence and would hear no excuses.

Carlisle looked at me for a long moment, his eyes searching my face. Finally, he nodded. He and Esme exchanged a look, and she rose from the bed. She came around it so she could bend to embrace me, kissing my cheek. "I'm glad you're home, Edward," she whispered, and left the room. I watched her go, her loving thoughts echoing in my mind.

I shifted to kneel beside the bed. I laced the fingers of one of my hands into Bella's hair, wrapping my other arm around her upper body. I hugged her gently to me, my forehead touching hers. Her skin was warm and flushed from the bath, and her hair smelled sweetly familiar, even with the added note of an unfamiliar shampoo. She was wearing a nightgown that I recognized as one of Esme's, white cotton trimmed with eyelet lace. It was long-sleeved, buttoned nearly to her throat, and she was beautiful in it. Her face held a subtle tension, recognizable even in sleep. She looked a decade older than she had the day I left her, and somehow still like a child. I desperately wanted to wrap myself around her, hold her as tightly as I could, but she had never seemed more fragile to me than in this moment.

I felt utterly lost.

"Carlisle," I said, my voice breaking. "What should I do?"

An instant later, he was beside me, holding me as I wept.

"I broke her, Carlisle," I choked. "I tried so hard, every minute, not to hurt her, and it didn't matter. She was young, and beautiful, and _alive_, and I did this to her." The words tumbled out of me in a rush. "What do I do now? If I can't protect her, and I can't leave her, then _what do I do_?"

Carlisle held me in an embrace like iron.

"Do you love her, Edward?" he asked.

"You know that I do. Yes, I love her; oh _god_, I love her so_ much_," I sobbed. I shook my head against his shoulder, struggling for words. "She'll never know how… _big_ this is, how much it hurts, how much it scares me. It's… _God_, Carlisle, It's _amazing_ to be with her, loving her, but so much_ bigger _than I had imagined. She can't understand; can't feel the same as I do. It almost _breaks_ me just to look at her, this feeling; _it can't be the same for her_…"

"_Consider it_, Edward," Carlisle said harshly, interrupting my words. "Just for a single second, look at her, and consider that she feels _just the same_ as you."

I pulled away from him slightly, drawing a ragged breath. His eyes were bright with intensity. He meant it.

So I tried.

I looked at Bella, and I forced myself to pretend, just for a moment, that somehow she loved me as I did her – that it was just the same. I willed my mind to consider such a thing.

And I saw everything.

A thousand images slammed into me, clicking into place. The way she leaned closer to me whenever we were together. The window that was open for me every night. The sound of my name on her lips as she dreamed. The friends she gave up to be with me. The way she smiled and blushed when she looked into my eyes. The way I could make her heart race with a touch or a word. The unschooled passion of her touch, her kiss.

I saw the devotion she offered me without pretense or apology. The absolutely naked vulnerability she had for me, only for me. The way she never feared me, never even seemed to question if she should. The way she never, ever hid from me, even when I knew she felt foolish or uncertain.

I saw the way she had tried to protect me as she prepared to die at James' hands. The way she had begged me to change her, thinking nothing of laying down all that came before. I saw that death was no more relevant for her than me, not when considered alongside our love.

Every look, every touch, every choice… She had been telling me the truth, the only one I ever really needed, from the very beginning. I had been so blinded by my feelings for her and so accustomed to relying on my ability to hear the minds of those around me that I hadn't seen the obvious.

_It's the same for her_, I realized. _She feels just the same._

She had told me with her words and actions again and again and again, and I hadn't been able to accept it.

She loved me just the same; the only difference is that she had been stronger. She was strong enough to listen to the truth of us, really receive it, even when there was danger or pain. She had had faith that eclipsed our differences, overcome our fears. She had been afraid, but she never faltered.

And I had used those fears to break her. With just a few words, I had crushed her faith, and then I ran, leaving her to drift alone.

I had failed her.

Carlisle's arm was around me, supporting me as my body sagged forward, all my strength gone. I lifted my head to look at her, awed anew by her beauty, and by the gentle dignity that she carried, even now. I felt an urge to be closer to her, to hold her, and I was ashamed. I did not deserve to touch her ever again.

And still, my gravity drew me. My need for her throbbed in my chest like a phantom heartbeat, surpassing my shame.

"Carlisle," I breathed, my eyes locked on her. "Can I hold her?"

"I think you should," he said, helping me to stand. I moved toward the bed, but he caught me by the shoulder. I looked at him, confused.

"Remember that you are not alone in this, Edward," he said seriously. "You are not solely to blame, and it will not be up to you alone to support her as she heals. It's important now that you accept help from your family. We are not going to leave you to manage this situation alone." _I won't make that mistake again_, he added wordlessly.

I nodded, having clearly heard his message for me.

"I understand, Carlisle," I said, my voice a little more steady. He looked at me, nodded once, and left me alone with Bella.

Feeling as though an invisible force were pushing me toward her, I did not hesitate before going around to the far side of the bed and pulling back the covers. I slipped in beside her, carefully moving close. I rested my head against the crook of one of my arms, and I reached for her with the other, hungry to touch her again. Her arms were wrapped around her torso, as they had been earlier in the day. I slipped my hand beneath them, laying it flat against the soft cotton covering her stomach. I pulled her back against me, molding the length of my body against her back. I pressed my face into her hair and laid my cheek on her shoulder.

It felt like coming home.

"I didn't know, Bella," I whispered against her neck. "I'm so sorry; I didn't know."

Her muscles twitched, and she whimpered.

"I'm here," I said, holding her helplessly. "I'm here, Bella."

I clung to her in the darkness, repeating the same words to her again and again.

"Please... come back to me."

* * *

BPOV

Somewhere, I was running through a crowd of red cloaks. I was slow, so slow, and the sun was pulling him from the shadows.

(_a pull_)

Somewhere, I was underwater. The surf was rushing around me, and I could hear his voice begging me to live.

(_a pull_)

Somewhere, I was holding Jacob's hand, walking on the beach at La Push. Jacob's hand was far too warm in mine.

(_a pull_)

Somewhere, I was curled in a bed of pine needles, the forest around me as black as the void in my chest.

(_stop!_)

Somewhere, I was in Edward's arms, beginning to drift toward sleep in a patch of moonlight in my bed.

(_oh god it hurts_)

Somewhere, my heart was pounding with the new knowledge of what he was, and what he was to me.

(_it hurt_s)

Somewhere, I was walking into my first day of school in a town that was too green, too wet, and too far from the sun.

_(stop)_

Somewhere, I was at Renee and Phil's wedding, my expression of horror matching my mother's as the bouquet landed in my hands.

(_please_)

Somewhere, I was sitting with Renee in our backyard in Phoenix. She was laughing, and the bright heat of the afternoon wrapped around us like an embrace.

(_please, no_)

I sank into each moment with perfect clarity just before it ended with yank. I was pulled, again and again, from one place, one reality, to another so different it seemed impossible that it was still my life. Each of these places had been my home, and I had accepted them, even when I had known they would kill me.

None of them had accepted me.

I felt the random touch of a million moments, and there was no time, no sense to them.

I packed my suitcase as I prepared to leave Phoenix. Edward pressed his lips to my neck. Renee put a band-aid on my knee. Edward ran with me through the forest. My truck hit a pothole, and my schoolbag slid off the seat. Carlisle picked a shard of glass out of my arm with a pair of forceps. I washed my hands in the ladies' room at the prom. Charlie took me too a movie in junior high. Alice laughed and pulled me into a hug. James touched my face with an icy hand. I pulled a weed from our yard in Phoenix. I turned over in bed and pulled myself onto Edward's chest. I stared at my ceiling, alone in my bed. I searched for him in the forest, knowing I'd never find him. He kissed me slowly and told me that he loved me.

Somewhere, I was screaming as Edward rocked me in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

EPOV

Even if I lived for a thousand years, I would never hear a sound as terrifying as that of Bella screaming in my arms. Her arms reached out blindly in a motion that could have been either searching for something or warding it off. I moved at her first cries, rolling her toward me and cradling her in my arms. Nearly frantic, it took all of my will to remember to be careful as I rocked her in the darkness.

"Shhh…," I whispered. "Bella… Oh, sweetheart…" I wanted to calm her, but I didn't have any calm to give. Her cries filled the room, filled the world. Time seemed to stretch, and each passing second felt like days.

She thrashed violently in my arms, and I was afraid she would hurt herself. I had decided to call for Carlisle, ready to admit defeat and sedate her again, when she suddenly stilled. Her eyes opened wide, searching the blackness.

"Bella!" I said, searching her face for any sign of awareness.

She sat up with a jerk. I followed as her hands reached for me, clutching at the fabric of my shirt. Her heart was pounding in my ears, her warm breath close to my neck.

"_Edward_," she gasped.

She knew me.

Relief swept through me powerfully. I lifted a trembling hand to her chin, tipping her face up so I could look into her eyes. She looked toward me, unable to focus her vision in the blackness of the room.

"I'm here, Bella," I said. The moment seemed to swell, leaving me breathless. I kept my eyes locked on hers, terrified that she would be gone again in an instant. There was so much I needed to say to her, and no certainty anymore that there would be time enough to say it. I searched for the words, my mind reeling.

She spoke before I could.

"Is this real?" she whispered anxiously.

"Yes," I said, stroking her cheek with the backs of my fingers. "This is real."

She closed her eyes, shuddered, and pulled herself up to press her lips to mine.

Her kiss was desperate, possessive, unlike any other she had given me. I froze momentarily, shocked by her sudden advance. Bella whimpered against my mouth, her tongue darting out to taste my lips. My shock dissolved and I returned her kiss feverishly, my hands in her hair. The feel of her mouth, questing, hungry against mine, sent a bolt of desire through me, and all thought was lost.

I moved my hands to the small of her back, pressing her body closer to mine. She shifted at once, straddling my waist and reaching up to hold my face between her hands as she devoured me, and I moaned. The scent of her arousal mingled with the scent of her blood, the two songs combining exponentially to call to me. Her need was raw and pulsing; she demanded everything in that kiss, every part of me. If I could have spoken, I would have told her that it had always been hers, only hers, and always would be.

My hands traveled over her back, moving instinctively to slide along the curve of her hips. Her nightgown had ridden up, and I felt warm, bare skin beneath my fingertips. I gripped her as hard as I dared, kneading her flesh with my cold hands. She moaned and rocked her hips against me once, twice. The movement, so blatant in its invitation, begged me to forget all restraint, all deliberation. For once, I couldn't deny her.

I rolled her onto her back in an abrupt movement, catching my weight on my elbows. She gasped when I pressed my hips to hers, letting her feel my hardness against her. Only a thin layer of cloth separated us, and the heat of the contact nearly undid me.

"_Now_, Edward," she growled, wrapping her legs around my body, both of her hands fisted in my hair. I grabbed her leg behind the knee, pulling her closer still. She arched her body against me and moaned, "_Please_…"

_Yes!_ My body and heart thrilled to her command. It would only take a second to close the space between us and join our bodies. Her clothing, mine, could be gone with barely more than a thought, and I could be buried in her deeply before the next rapid beat of her heart. I could make her mine here, now.

_Mine._

Breathing hard, I looked down at her, searching her face for a final time as I prepared to claim her. Her eyes were bright, blazing as they locked to mine. There was no fear, no hesitation in her expression, only hunger. She wanted this; there was no doubt. Some primal voice in me sang in triumph.

Another voice called bleakly from within, reminding me.

_I broke her._

The memory of the words came from nowhere, stopping me. My body stilled, and I looked at her again.

I saw her sunken eyes, ringed with dark circles. I saw how her sallow skin appeared to be pulled tightly over her cheekbones and jaw. Remembering everything that had passed between us in the last few days, I struggled against the wild momentum inside me, horrified at what I was doing.

_No! _I thought, begging my body to listen._ Not like this._

The next beat of her heart found me at the far side of the room. She cried out as I tore myself from her. I pressed myself into the corner, struggling to regain control. Her scent was everywhere, making me insane.

She pushed herself up on her elbows and stared at me with wounded eyes. After a moment, she moved awkwardly to sit against the headboard, yanking down the hem of her nightgown, covering her legs. She lowered her head, and her hair fell in a messy curtain around her face. Her hands were clenched into fists against her knees.

"Bella…" I began, my voice unsteady. I took a step toward her.

"Get out," she breathed, not looking up.

My eyes widened.

"Bella, please –"

"Get _out_!" she screamed, her voice breaking with fury.

I stared at her without moving, utterly shocked. She pulled her legs up in front of her, wrapping her arms around them. Her forehead dropped to rest against her knees, and she began to cry quietly.

The door opened, spilling light into the room. Carlisle. His thoughts juggled between the hope he felt at hearing her speak and his concern for her apparent distress. He was trying not to blame me immediately, but his apprehension was clear. I looked to see him in the doorway, carrying his medical bag. He looked from me to Bella and back again before speaking.

"Go, Edward," he said evenly.

_Bella wants you out; do as she says, _he finished mentally_._

I opened my mouth to object.

_So help me _god_, Edward; not a word_, Carlisle warned silently, cutting off my response. _Go. Now._

It was not a suggestion.

I looked back at Bella. She hadn't moved, but her shoulders shook as she wept. She looked very small huddled on the bed, lost in the cloud of her nightgown.

I felt disgusted with myself, worse than useless. And, still, I felt the pull inside of me, tethering me to where she was. With some difficulty, I dragged my gaze away from her. My chest ached as I forced myself from the room, distraught.

I nearly ran into Alice. She was carrying a tray of food. Jasper stood just behind her. Her eyes met mine, full of sympathy.

_Be patient, Edward. You were there when she woke. It's all you could have done._

I frowned and looked intently at Jasper with raised eyebrows.

_I'm fine, Edward. We hunted a few hours ago. _

I nodded and let them by, but resisted the calm he tried to spread to me. I stood aside as they slipped past me into my bedroom. Carlisle held the door for them, glancing at me a final time before closing it, shutting me out.

* * *

BPOV

"Get out." The words were out of my mouth before I was aware of thinking them.

_Not again, not again…_ I prayed uselessly that this wasn't happening, I hadn't thrown myself at him that way, he hadn't pushed me away.

But he was gone, and I was alone in the bed.

Why? Why was he doing this to me again?

_He doesn't want you_.

Esme's nightgown covered me from neck to ankle, and I still felt naked. All of my need for him, all that desire, had been laid open like a wound. For a moment, it felt as though it was his need, too. For a moment, it seemed as though he felt just the same. And then he had disappeared from my arms. He left me alone in the bed, with that awful need.

My eyes were squeezed shut. I couldn't look at him, to see the guilt and pity in his eyes. I couldn't stand for him to look at me for another minute.

"Bella, please -" His voice caressed me from the darkness.

"Get _out_!" I screamed as loud as I could, my whole body vibrating with the effort.

The humiliation and grief finally overwhelmed me and I began to cry.

_He doesn't want you_, I reminded myself miserably. _What did you think would happen?_

The door opened. _Oh, god, no…_

"Go, Edward."

Carlisle.

_Oh, god…_

There was a moment of silence before I heard him come into the room and shut the door. A light was switched on quickly, and another familiar voice spoke.

"Hello, Bella."

Alice.

They were here, right now, to witness the new low I'd achieved. Worse, they must have heard everything, from my pathetic begging to Edward's violent rejection.

I wanted to die. I wanted to vanish. I wanted to yell at them to go, take their kindness and concern, and leave me alone in the dark. I couldn't bring myself to say that, though, not to them.

The mattress shifted beneath me, and then Alice was there, pulling me into her embrace.

"Oh, Bella," she sighed. "It's going to be okay."

I shook my head against her shoulder, not trusting my voice. Nothing would ever be okay again, not when the only thing that mattered was gone.

_He doesn't want you._

The thought throbbed in my brain, and I cried harder before a sudden wave of calm swept over me. My tears slowed, and then stopped. I pulled away from Alice, wiping my face with my hands.

"Thanks, Jasper," I mumbled, not looking up.

Alice laughed quietly and handed me a washcloth. I wiped my face and took a few deep breaths before I lifted my head to look at them. Carlisle was near the door, holding his medical bag. Jasper was standing in the corner of the room farthest from me, the same one I guessed Edward had retreated to a few minutes ago.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice hoarse.

"No, Bella," Carlisle said quickly. He moved to the side of the bed and sat down on the edge, setting his bag beside him. He put his hand on my shoulder and leaned toward me. "We are the ones who are sorry."

I squirmed and looked away.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

_Humiliated. Worthless. Alone._

"I don't know," I said with a shrug. "Okay, I guess."

"What do you remember from last night?"

I tried to think. I remembered the plane, the airport, the car. I remembered Alice on the porch, the house silhouetted against the setting sun. After that, I couldn't be sure. I remembered thinking about Edward playing his piano for me. I remembered my birthday party. I wasn't sure…

And then there was Esme, brushing my hair as I sat up in this bed, somehow in Edward's bedroom. I had been certain I was dreaming that part, though, until now.

"Um, I remember getting to the house," I said slowly, meeting Carlisle's worried eyes. "And then being here in bed."

I wanted to ask what had happened, but something stopped me. For some reason, I just didn't want to know.

Carlisle nodded and smiled. "Is it okay if I have a look at you?" he asked.

I nodded.

He shone a light in my eyes, felt my pulse. Alice sat on the other side of me, holding one of my hands in both of hers. He stood when he was done.

"Do you think you can eat something?"

"Yeah, I guess." I glanced at the window. "What time is it?"

"Just before dawn," he said.

Alice brought the tray over from the bedside table and set it over my lap before moving to sit at the foot of the bed. I recognized the soup as what Edward had picked up at the diner. It didn't seem as intimidating, though, now that I wasn't in a moving car, and I tried a spoonful. It was alright.

"Carlisle," I began, looking into the soup. "What am I doing here?"

I saw him glance at Alice. I sighed impatiently.

"I know that Alice was worried about me, that she saw something," I said, my voice tight with frustration. "And I know that I'm… different than before. You can still talk to me, though. You have to talk to me."

"I'm sorry, Bella," Carlisle said. "It wasn't our intention to leave you out."

"We just don't know very much," Alice said, looking embarrassed. "I can't see very much of your future."

"Is it because of the wolves?" I asked.

"Wolves?" Carlisle said, shocked.

Alice grimaced. "Yeah, Bella's friend is a werewolf."

Carlisle ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. Jasper cursed. I sank further back into the pillows, wishing I could hide.

"I don't think that's the problem though," Alice continued. She glanced away, seeming uncomfortable. Finally, she drew a deep breath and looked me in the eye. "I think it's you, Bella."

"Me?" I asked. "You could always see me before."

"Like you said, Bella – you're different now," she said, her eyes full of sorrow. "Your mind won't fix on any plan, any choice. It's like you're hardly aware of anything beyond the moment you're in."

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to scream. Plan? What would I plan for? What difference would it make anyhow?

"I don't know how to be any other way," I said quietly.

"No one is saying you should," Carlisle said, his attention returning to us. "We would like the chance, though, to help you. We want to be here for you, Bella."

"Why?" I asked, the artificial calm in the room making me brave.

"Because we love you," Alice said. "And we shouldn't have left you that way."

_But you did_, I thought. _And you will again_.

"What about Edward?" I asked, my chest getting tight. "I know he doesn't want me here."

"You're wrong," Jasper said, speaking for the first time.

I shook my head, unable to speak.

"You should talk with him, Bella," Carlisle said. "Hear what he has to say."

I remembered the conversation in the woods last September. The thought of another like it made my stomach turn.

"Nothing's changed," I said. "I know he… had a lot of guilt when he thought I killed myself. That doesn't mean he wants me here, though. Just that he doesn't want to see me dead." My words were thoughtful, matter-of-fact. "I'll talk to him about that. He doesn't need to do that."

"Bella – " Alice started to say.

"But I can't stay here," I continued. "This is his home, not mine. You're his family." _Not mine_, I finished silently.

"Bella," Carlisle said. "We won't abandon you again, not even if Edward were to ask."

"I'm not going to disrupt your family because I'm lonely," I said.

I wanted to, though. I wanted to keep any part of them I would be allowed.

"It's way too late for that," Alice said, frustrated. "This family has been disrupted since September. And you really need to clue in to the fact that this is your family, too."

"Alice, you know I love you." I looked from her to Jasper to Carlisle. "All of you. I just…" I felt my calm start to slip. "I can't… without him."

"And you really believe that he can be without you?" she asked.

"He…" I began, and stopped. Panic started to well up inside me. "He doesn't… He told me…" I couldn't say the words, not again. The air in the room felt thick, heavy. I closed my eyes and tried to focus.

"Bella-" Alice began.

"No," Jasper said softly. I looked up, my eyes welling with tears, and saw that he was tense, his expression pained. Alice looked back at him and nodded.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Carlisle said. "The last thing we want is to upset you."

"It's okay," I said, looking down at my hands.

"Alice is going to stay with you if that's okay, Bella," Carlisle said. "The rest of us will be right outside if you need us." He glanced back at Jasper, who moved from the corner to follow him to the door.

I ate in silence once they were gone, nervous under Alice's watchful eyes.

"You've decided to go back to Charlie's house," she finally said.

I paused before I answered her. "Yeah."

"I hope you aren't expecting him to leave you alone," she said. I knew she wasn't talking about Charlie.

I wiped a tear away impatiently with my hand. "You weren't there, Alice. You didn't see his face when he was leaving. There was just… nothing there."

"And now?"

"Now… It's almost worse. It's like he's right there, he's so close, but I still can't really be with him."

She nodded. "I get that; I really do. And you have every right to be angry with him."

"What? No, Alice. It's not like that."

"Why not? I know what he did, the things he said to you when we left."

"I can't be angry with him for not feeling the way I do, Alice."

She sighed with exasperation, pressing her hands against her eyes. "Esme is coming up with some clothes for you." She rose from the bed, her mouth turning down into a little pout. "I'd better be able to see more once you've talked with Edward. I didn't even have enough warning to go shopping for you." She froze for a second, her eyes distant, before smiling a little smugly. "I'd put on something warm," she said over her shoulder as she went out the door, almost skipping.

She was gone before I could ask her why. Esme came in a moment later, bringing me an armload of clothes.

"I didn't know what you would want to wear," she said apologetically. "I don't have the same knack for this that Alice does."

I tried not to roll my eyes. I had never seen Esme look anything less than completely put together and lovely. I found some slacks and a button down shirt that looked like a possible fit. Remembering Alice's cryptic words, I grabbed a soft cable knit sweater as well. Realizing that I didn't have any undergarments, and certainly wasn't going to borrow them from Edward's mother, I added a knit tank top that I hoped would stand in passably for a bra.

She left me alone to change. The clothes were a loose fit, but manageable when I added a belt and rolled up the cuffs of the pants. The sun had started to come up, and I moved to the window to watch the light gather outside.

Impending change, a familiar sensation, pulled at me. The reprieve was almost over. I would call Charlie soon, and he would take me home. This odd detour would end, and I would be back on the road I'd left, traveling nowhere.

_This is the last time you'll ever see me._

I remembered his words, how he had said them almost as though he were doing me a favor. I had been so shocked that I hadn't even told him goodbye, or that I loved him. And today I had screamed at him, sent him away. I hadn't been able to just accept what he had to give me. I had demanded that he want me as I wanted him, forcing him to push me away and remind me of what was.

I wanted another chance, not to beg him to stay, but to tell him goodbye. All of the fear and pain and worry this situation had brought with it couldn't be for nothing. I couldn't waste my reprieve.

An odd peace and lucidity filled me, and I didn't think Jasper was behind it.

"Edward," I said calmly, knowing he would hear me.

I watched as the sun gradually illuminated the forest outside, and waited for him to come to me.


	8. Chapter 8

EPOV

I stalked into the living room, seething with frustration. She had returned, she was with me, and I had hurt her, again. Desire, shame, and confusion pushed against me on all sides. She had wanted me, so much, until… But I had to stop, had to! It couldn't be like that for us, for her. I couldn't just seize upon her vulnerability without a word, an explanation, an apology.

I couldn't have her that way without telling her the truth, and once I did, she may not want me.

_Not that she did now_, I thought. I stood at the glass wall, my eyes staring without seeing into the woods beyond. The echo of Bella's angry words rung endlessly in my mind.

"Are you _kidding_ me with this, Edward?"

My head whipped around to see Rosalie lounging on the couch behind me, reading a book.

"Not now," I hissed, my plans for apology forgotten for the moment. She rolled her eyes at me.

_Fine, but I'm changing my vote_, she thought, her eyes on her book.

"What?" I turned to her, taking a step toward the couch. "Why?"

She sat up, tossing her book onto the coffee table.

"Because this is _sick_," she said, a sour expression on her face. "I mean, forget about your amazing sense of timing in there just now, but think about it. She is human, Edward. What, exactly, is the long term plan here?"

"That's none of your business," I said sharply. "Bella and I will find our own way in this."

"You mean that you, Edward, will find the way. I happen to know what Bella's preference is."

"What is it to you, Rosalie?" I asked. "You don't even like her." Rosalie didn't really care for human company in general.

She shrugged. "You're right. I don't. I thought you were insane when you started up with her, and I still think so."

"Then why do you care?"

"Because this has to stop! God, Edward. Do you have any idea what the last few months have been like for me?" She leaned back against the cushions, rubbing her forehead. "You know I love Emmett, and everyone else, but they are just so… _happy_ all of the time."

"Happy." I said, completely confused.

"Yes,_ happy_," she said, spitting the word out. "Emmett is always upbeat, enthusiastic, a lot like a puppy, not that I mind. But when you add that to the rest of them… Carlisle is all mellow coexistence, and Esme is all sweetness and sunshine, and Alice is just… Alice." She wrinkled her brow. "Jasper isn't so bad, but he stays scarce when there's heavy drama going on. You know that."

"Yes, Rosalie. I know all of this, but –"

"You are the only one like me, Edward," Rosalie finally said, her tone more serious. "Without you around, I felt like I could either wear a sign that said 'Official Cullen Family Bitch' or pick up a pair of pom-poms and join them." She shuddered.

"What does this have to do with Bella?" I asked, growing impatient.

Rosalie sighed, exasperated, as if I hadn't picked up on something obvious.

"She's not going to just go away, Edward, not without you." _And I don't want you to go away._ Her thoughts flashed to the phone call she had made to me in Brazil. I felt the realization and panic spread through her as my lifeless voice told her goodbye and the line went dead.

She looked at me for a long moment, her face briefly full of a sad tenderness. Then she blinked and composed her features, clearing her throat loudly.

I turned to the window and leaned against it on one hand.

"I don't know what is going to happen between her and me," I said heavily, feeling the truth in the words.

Rosalie laughed.

I turned around, stunned and angry. "What is funny?" I asked.

"You!" she said. "I can't believe I used to think you were smarter than me!" A fresh peal of laughter accompanied this.

I glared at her.

"Edward, geez, of course she's going to want to stay. Have you just _met_ her? She's crazy for you, and I mean that literally."

I winced. "You don't know what her choice will be."

"Uh, yeah, I do," she said, scooping her book off the coffee table again. "As long as you don't screw it up," she added under her breath.

I cursed.

"Don't get pissy, Edward," she said with another roll of her eyes. "You know that humans annoy me. I am guessing that you also know that it's dangerous to have her around like this. You may be worrying about her, but I am thinking of what happens to the rest of us if your fragile girlfriend gets broken on our watch. I don't want to live this way anymore, Edward. This is stressing everyone out, and if the two of you can't split up without slashing your wrists, then just deal with it and change her."

It was hard to know what to say to that. Rosalie's argument was utterly selfish in so many ways, but still had its own inarguable logic. Still, I was more than annoyed by her complaints.

"I don't want to_ burden _you all with my relationship," I said sarcastically.

"Good," she said, ignoring my tone. "Then don't. Look, I don't like the idea of making a vampire just for the hell of it, and I'm pretty sure she'll be sorry about it later, but she'll get over it." She shrugged. "I did." She leaned back and opened her book. _I didn't know Bella could yell like that_, she mused. "Bella wouldn't be that bad, you know, without the humanity," she said to herself. "We could help her with her hair." _Definitely changing my vote…_

That was enough for me. I retreated from the living room to the backyard, not wanting to be too far from Bella. I went just to the tree line and sat on the ground, leaning against a wide trunk. I closed my eyes.

Rosalie was right about one thing. I needed a plan. Playing this situation by ear was not going well. I racked my mind, desperate to find a course of action that would soothe Bella, one that would let her forgive me.

_I'm coming to talk to you, Edward_, Esme's mind declared suddenly. I opened my eyes to see her striding away from the house to where I sat. She sat on the grass in front of me, crossing her legs under her gracefully.

"Would you like to tell me what all that was about upstairs?" she asked softly. I wasn't fooled; Esme's thoughts had been markedly more protective and maternal toward Bella since she had cared for her last night. My mother was prepared to dispense whatever wrath was appropriate.

And so, of course, she wanted me to talk with her about the most intimate and intense physical encounter I had had with Bella to date. Absolutely perfect.

"I would really rather not," I said, knowing that she didn't really care what my preference on this issue was.

_I think you had better_, she thought. Esme was better than the others at controlling the tone of her thoughts. It was difficult to tell if she was already actively angry with me.

I sighed, accepting that this already traumatic morning would include a conversation with my mother about my sex life.

"Bella was a little confused when she woke up," I said, hedging the issue as carefully as I could. "She was very… affectionate. Things got carried away quickly before I stopped us. She got upset when I pulled away from her." I hoped that Esme would be satisfied with this much information. Even in this climate of shared concern for Bella, I felt that there were some aspects of our relationship that should be only between us. Of course, in a house full of vampires, that was easier said than done.

Esme nodded slowly, remembering the sounds that had come from the bedroom. I looked away, desperately uncomfortable.

"Well, I think I understand why you stopped then, and I can certainly understand why that was upsetting for her," she said, relieved. Her thoughts wandered to memories of Bella from the year before. I saw in her mind Bella standing in our kitchen, flipping pancakes and laughing at something Emmett said. I saw Bella sitting beside me while I played the piano. I saw her curled up next to me on our couch while we both read silently.

"How are you going to fix this, Edward?" Esme finally asked. _You have to fix this; I can't lose either of you_, she added silently.

"I don't know," I said. "There is so much I need to say to her, and a lot of it will be painful. I don't know how to fix this without giving her the whole truth, but I don't want to distress her further."

"Bella is definitely in a difficult place right now," Esme said. "You need to realize, though, that she still believes that you don't want her, that she's lost you. I don't think there is any greater distress for her than that."

I remembered that feeling, the complete loss of hope that had filled my days and nights while I was away from her. _It's just the same for her_, I reminded myself painfully.

"I don't know how to begin," I said. "I hurt her so badly; you know that I did. I could see as soon as I began that it would all be pointless if I left her with any hope for us. She might have waited for me if she had realized how completely devoted I am to her, that it was only a matter of time before I lost my resolve and returned to her. I knew that it would happen eventually, even then."

Esme looked at me, surprised. "You expected to return to her?"

I had, and had been disgusted at my own weakness.

"I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay away forever. The hope was that she would have already moved on, that I would come back only to see her happy with another. I know that is the only way I could have truly left her alone to live her life."

"And you decided the way to accomplish that was to completely crush her before you went," Esme said, her voice sharp with disapproval. Guilt churned inside me.

"It had to be over," I said. "It wouldn't be as long as we both wanted each other. I was hoping I could pretend long enough for her to be beyond my reach, safe with another."

Esme's eyes were full of sorrow as she looked at me. "You're so convinced that she's better off without you," she said.

I felt my chest tighten.

"Of course she is," I said, my voice shaking. "Bella is incredible – smart, determined, beautiful. She could do anything she wanted with her life. She could be so happy without me."

"No, Edward," Esme said. "She really couldn't."

"Not anymore," I agreed miserably. "I realize that it's too late, that I've already robbed her all of that."

"Oh, Edward," Esme sighed, moving to my side, her arm circling around my shoulders. "You have so much to offer her. _You_ are amazing. And, although it's not always easy, our life is amazing, too. Bella wants so badly to share that with you. Imagine all of the opportunities, all of the extraordinary experiences she would have by your side. It would surpass a human lifetime in a thousand ways."

"But not in every way," I said, shaking my head. I saw in my mind an image of Bella, laughing, her belly round with pregnancy. I saw her in a hospital room holding a newborn infant, her face rapturous. A faceless man was beside her in both visions. It was not me. I had imagined these things many times when I considered Bella's future, and that man was never me.

"No," Esme said carefully, guessing my thougths. "You're right about that. But, Edward… Have you even asked Bella if she wanted children?"

I blinked at Esme.

"No," I said, surprised. "I just assumed…"

"Not everyone does," she said. "You know that I miss my human son, and you know how much Rosalie wishes motherhood were possible for her. Every woman isn't like us, though. Alice, for example."

She was right about that. Alice had sympathy for her sister's and mother's suffering, but did not feel that a life without children was lacking anything for her. If anything, she had a mild distaste for them, babies in particular. The huge variety of potential futures they possessed overwhelmed her.

"I just want Bella to have _everything_, every good thing life could possibly hold for her. I can't stand the thought of taking any choice away from her," I said.

"Then let her choose to be with you, Edward," Esme said, her voice gentle. "She wants to be with you forever. Don't take that away from her."

My mother's simple words begged me to give in, turning my back on every fear and limit I'd created for Bella and me, and step beyond them into a terrifying unknown. I was silent, trying to imagine doing so.

Esme and I looked toward the house at the same moment.

"_Edward_."

Bella was calling me. My heart soared, and I was on my feet in a blur, needing to reach her at once. Esme's thoughts followed me from the yard.

_I love you both, Edward. Don't be afraid..._


	9. Chapter 9

I felt him outside the door before I heard him knock. Despite the heaviness in my stomach, I laughed.

"It's your room, Edward," I said. "Just come in."

He opened the door and paused, as if reluctant to enter. I watched him from where I was sitting, cross-legged on the floor next to the wall-sized window.

"Bella," he said, staring at me. I waited for him to say something else, but he just looked at me, his eyes burning with intensity.

I swallowed hard, trying not to let the beautiful sight of him make me forget what I needed to say.

"Please, come in," I finally managed.

He came in and closed the door behind him. He walked toward me, and at first I thought he was going to join me on the floor. He changed course at the last moment, though, and sat on the side of the bed, facing me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing myself to keep it together long enough to make this parting what it always should have been. I owed that to him, to us.

"Edward, I need something from you," I said at last.

"Anything," he answered immediately, his gaze boring into me.

His response took me off guard, and I hesitated before I continued.

"I need you to forget about me," I said.

He drew in his breath sharply. "Forget?" he repeated in a choked voice.

I nodded.

"I'm human, Edward, and not a terribly graceful one. I'm going to get hurt sometimes. I am going to die someday. You can't make that about you, though. You can't hurt yourself, put your family through that, because you feel guilty about me."

There. I'd gotten the first part out. I had considered making him promise me, but I remembered guiltily how well I'd kept that promise to him and discarded the idea.

Edward looked confused for a moment, then incredulous.

"You think that I went to Italy because I felt _guilty_?" he asked.

I shrugged, confused by his reaction.

"I just figured… It was the only thing that made sense," I said. "Didn't you?"

"Of course I felt guilty," he said, his hand curling into fists on his lap. "When Rosalie told me –" His voice broke. Was Edward _crying_?

"Well, you don't have to do that," I continued, struggling to keep our conversation on track. "You can't do that again, ever."

"It was the only thing I could do, Bella," he said, looking at me sadly. "I thought you were gone."

"I had been gone for months," I said, my voice fading to a whisper. "You wanted that."

He closed his eyes, drew a deep breath, sighed heavily. When he opened them, they were full of determination, and perhaps fear. In a fluid motion, he slid from the bed to kneel in front of me so we could see eye to eye. He reached for one of my hands, taking it and holding it between both of his.

My shock numbed me, and I could only stare at him.

"I lied to you, Bella," he said, looking into my eyes, his expression tortured. "There is nothing I want more than you; there never has been." He lifted a hand to my cheek and touched it lightly. "There never will be."

I felt my spine turn to rubber and would have slumped against the carpet if Edward hadn't moved and caught me in an embrace.

I stared at him, my eyes filling with tears. "I don't understand," I choked.

"I love you, Bella," he said. "I was afraid for you… and for myself, and I lied to you. I am so sorry, more sorry than you can imagine. I beg you to forgive me, please."

He was crying. He held me lightly in the circle of his arms, drawn back far enough that we could see the other's face. I felt dizzy.

"You…" I began, struggling for words. "What you told me… It wasn't…?"

"None of it was true, Bella," he said, his eyes downcast. "I didn't mean any of it."

"It sounded like you meant it," I said.

"I had to be a good liar, Bella. I believed I was saving your life."

A sob broke free from me unexpectedly.

"Saving my life?" I said incredulously, an edge of anger in my voice. "I _died_ that day, Edward. The day you left was the end of everything for me." Tears were running down my cheeks, and the numbness was being pushed back by stronger emotions. Hope nudged against my heart dangerously.

"I know that now," Edward said between his own dry sobs. "God, Bella, I was so wrong. I thought you could be happy without me. I thought you would find something better than me. You deserve something better-"

"There _is_ _nothing_ better than you!" I cried, almost shouting. The words seem to break some dam inside me, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with love, anger, grief, need… more feelings than I could identify. "Oh, Edward…" I sobbed, my eyes pleading.

He was breathing heavily, his eyes dark.

"_Bella…"_ he groaned.

He pulled me against him swiftly, and his mouth came down hard on mine. His kiss was like a drowning man gasping for air, and I returned it desperately. My tears wet both our faces as his mouth moved against mine hungrily. I put my arms around his neck, pulling myself up against him, and pressed my body against his, needing that contact. He gave a long sigh and moved his hands on me. Placing one between my shoulder blades, the other on the curve of my hip, he pulled me to him.

I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop kissing him. I trailed kisses along his jaw and neck, and my hands traveling over him frantically. I pulled at the hem of his tee shirt and thrust my hands beneath it to touch his back, his chest. I couldn't stop, couldn't even think about slowing down. I was starving, desperate for the solid reality of him beneath my hands.

He didn't stop me. I felt a shudder run along his body as my hands explored his cold skin. He cupped my jaw in his hand and tilted my head, drawing my lips away from him. I began to protest, but the feel of his kiss against my throat made me forget the thought. It made me forget all thoughts, actually, except for one.

"I love you, Edward," I gasped as his lips moved against my neck roughly. It felt as though the whole world were shifting around us, righting itself. Inside me, I suddenly felt _real_, as though I had been nothing more than an actor in a play for the last six months. The possibility that the play was over was a hope so large, so impossibly wonderful, that I started to shake, terrified.

"Tell me this is real," I begged him suddenly, pulling back to look into his eyes. "Please, just tell me I'm not going to wake up from this."

The intensity in his eyes took on a touch of sadness at my words.

"Oh, Bella," he said, his voice full of tenderness. He took one of my hands, twining our fingers together between us. "This is real," he whispered, his eyes not leaving mine. He took my hand and laid it on his chest, over his heart, covering it with his own. "I am yours, only yours, always."

I felt something tear away inside me. It was as though I had been standing at the edge of a cliff, knowing the danger in the water below but still somehow wanting to jump. His words were the little push that made me let go, stepping off of it and plummeting into unknown depths. I clung to him and began to cry. I sobbed loudly into his chest, nearly hysterical, as an ocean of pain rushed around me.

"I was so scared, Edward," I said brokenly as I cried. "I was just… lost. There was nothing, anywhere for me. I couldn't feel… anything."

He stroked my hair and held me as I came apart.

"Every single day that you were gone… It was like I had to begin again, feel every single minute without you and think about how it should be happening, what you _should_ be saying or doing right then. I couldn't stop it… couldn't stop imagining you there. I even heard your voice sometimes, actually _heard_ it, and, oh god, I just wanted to keep hearing it. I would have done anything…"

It was so big. How had I forgotten how big this was, this love, this need for him?

"I heard you, too," he said softly. I looked up at him, surprised. "I couldn't think about anything but you, not even for a second. It was difficult to hunt; I would go weeks longer than I should have. Sometimes, when it had been a while… I could hear you. It hurt so much, but all I wanted was to hear you again, even if it was only in my mind."

My eyes grew wide. Could he have been suffering as much as I had?

"Edward," I said, shaking my head a little. "How could you do this to us? I nearly lost you. I could have lost you forever." Fear squeezed my heart as I remembered him, shimmering, as he stepped from the shadows in Volterra.

He hung his head, taking my hand and pressing it against his cheek. "I was so afraid, and wrong about so many things. I was sure that it was the only way to do the right thing by you. I wanted you to be safe, and I wanted you to have a full human life."

I cupped his face in my hand, lifting it to look at me. "Edward, there is only one right thing for me. If you take that away… If I can't have you, then none of the rest matters. What I need… Who I am… It's all in you, Edward. Can't you see that?"

He drew a ragged breath and dragged my face to his. He kissed me until I felt dizzy, unable to breath.

"I want you, Bella," he said as he broke from the kiss. He held my head in both of his hands, leaning forward so our foreheads touched. I clutched the fabric of his shirt in both of my hands, steadying myself as his breath on my face melted me. "I _want _you," he said again. "I want every part of you. I want every minute of every day with you." His voice was rough with emotion. "I want… forever with you, Bella."

My heart stopped.

"Forever?" I said, the words barely a whisper. "You mean, like,_ forever_ forever?" I couldn't believe the words I was hearing.

"Yes," he said, the word coming out as a broken sob. "God help me, Bella, I _do_ mean that. I can't lose you again, not ever. I don't care what that makes me, not anymore. It's just… nothing, _nothing_ is right without you. The whole world is wrong without you in it. I can't let that happen again. Not ever."

"Edward," I said, trying to steady my voice. I felt as though I were flying, and everything in me wanted to sing victoriously. I couldn't accept it, though, not until I heard the words themselves. "Say it," I demanded breathlessly. "_Ask me_."

He stilled and drew away from me. His face was a contortion of anguish, tenderness, and wonder. His eyes never left mine as he moved his hand and placed it over my racing heart.

"I need you, Bella," he said, something like surprise in his voice. "Will you let me… change you? Will you be mine, forever?"

As much as I had hoped for the words, I was still completely astonished to hear him say them. It was entirely surreal. I tried to focus on his face from the fog in which I was floating.

At first I couldn't speak. So I just nodded. I placed my hand over his silent heart, mirroring his touch, as tears flowed down my cheeks. I leaned forward, brushing his lips softly with mine.

"_Yours_," I promised with a sigh.


	10. Chapter 10

EPOV

She was on my lap, her arms around my midsection. I was wrapped around her, holding her, feeling her breath and heartbeat and warmth. We were still on the floor, curled in each other's arms, watching the sun rise over the trees. I couldn't imagine being any other place, ever again. I couldn't imagine not touching her.

"You can't leave, Bella," I said.

I worried that she would want to go to Charlie soon. I knew that he must be frantic by now, and she would want to soothe him. He would want her back under his roof immediately, sleeping in her own bed every night. I wouldn't be able to let her do that. Not now.

"I know," she said, sighing a little. "I really can't. I don't know what I'm going to do about Charlie, though. I don't know what I'll tell him."

"We can leave Forks together, the whole family," I suggested. "We can go today."

She shook her head. "He won't know what happened; he'll look for me. I'll be worse than dead – I'll be missing. I can't do that to him." She glanced up at me, her eyes full of love. "I just wish I could make him understand."

I smiled. "That will never happen._ I_ can barely believe that you love me this way, that it's right for us to be together. There is no way your father is going to let go of his daughter, who, I may remind you, isn't even out of high school."

"Ugh," she groaned. "I forgot about school. What day is it?"

"Wednesday," I said.

"I guess I'm ditching," she said, a little guiltily.

"We all are, actually. Carlisle re-enrolled Alice and me when they got back into town. That should make all of this… interesting."

The tranquility of the moment was interrupted by strange thoughts slowly entering my hearing range.

_If they hurt her if he hurt her I will kill them I will oh my god I can't believe she went with that thing I can't believe she left me that way I need to see her need to talk to her she has to understand what she's doing…_

_Jacob Black_. If there were one person I could do without seeing, ever again…

"Someone's coming," I said quietly, fighting to keep the anger out of my voice. "Jacob."

Bella jerked upright in my arms.

"Oh no," she gasped. "Edward, I can't see him right now. I know I have to… talk to him, but I can't do this right now-" She was panicked, on the verge of tears.

"You don't have to talk to him," I said soothingly, stroking her hair. _Ever again_, I added silently.

"You don't understand. He'll know that I'm here, and he won't just leave without seeing me –"

I stood suddenly, setting Bella carefully on her feet next to me. I reached for the sliding portion of the glass wall, opening it wide.

"Trust me?" I asked, looking into her eyes.

She started to speak, but stopped. Her eyes were anxious and confused.

"Let's just get out of here, Edward," she said at last, looking away.

I frowned, unsettled by her hesitant response. I could hear Jacob's mind closer, though, and I wanted her far away with me before he could give chase. I pulled her onto my back. Her limbs wound around me tightly, but a kept a hand on her arm in case she slipped.

I heard Jacob's voice at the front door just as I lept from the window with Bella. I ran with her for miles, the exhilaration of having her with me again flowing through me as we flew through the trees together. To hold her, touch her, and best of all, to feel so sure that it was the right thing for us, the only thing for us, was nothing short of bliss. I felt half-drunk with triumph and joy. I had everything, and just for this moment, it didn't matter why.

I didn't stop until I was certain that we were well and truly alone. I took her high into the mountains, into a meadow that reminded me a bit of one we had shared so long ago.

"You can open your eyes now," I said, sliding her off my back and turning to face her.

She was a little unsteady, and she held onto my shoulders as her eyes opened. She gasped.

"Edward! Is this… This isn't; is it?" She sounded afraid.

I frowned. "No, this isn't our meadow, love, just another pretty spot where we can be alone."

She stared around us, her eyes wide. "It looks… so much like it." There was horror in her voice.

I cupped her cheek, turning her face toward me.

"Why is that scaring you, Bella?" I asked.

She looked at me, alarmed, then glanced away without answering.

"Bella, please, tell me," I could feel it, something she was holding back from me. I needed to know.

She wrapped her arms around herself and stood stiffly, as though she were trying to keep from touching anything around her.

"Um, I tried to find it when you were gone. That… other… meadow. And when I did…" She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. "It was different," she said, looking at me sadly. "Everything was dead, and the sun wasn't shining. It hurt to see it that way."

I wrapped my arms around her. "It was a special place for us both," I said, imagining her there, alone, when nothing bloomed.

"And then… something happened," she said in a tiny voice.

"What?" I asked. "What happened?"

"Laurent was there," she said.

Fear and rage surged through me like electricity. I froze.

"He… was there for Victoria," she said, her voice trembling. "He was coming to see if I were still… protected."

I shook as I struggled not to hold her too tightly. Alice's thoughts had already showed me that there had been dealings with Victoria and Laurent, but I had not imagined that either of them come that close to Bella.

We had left her unprotected, and they had found her.

"How?" I asked in a choked whisper, unable to form the question.

"Jacob and the other wolves," she answered, knowing my thoughts. "They got there just in time."

"Oh, Bella," I said with a shudder. "I never thought she would return for you. I was certain she would be hunting me; it was my family and I who killed James."

Bella pushed back from my chest and looked into my eyes.

"You killed her mate," she said simply.

_And Victoria had come for mine._

I could only stare at Bella's face. Her expression was haunted by the memory of fear.

"He had gone to your house," she continued, her eyes distant. "He knew you had been gone for a while. He knew I was alone."

"I'm sorry, Bella," I said, the words amounting to nothing. There was no apology for the danger I had left her in.

"I know you are," she said, and wrapped her arms around herself again. She looked down at her feet. "I don't think he would have even bothered killing me if he hadn't been thirsty. When he saw that you and your family were gone, and I was still here, he thought that he and Victoria had been wrong about me and you."

"They weren't wrong, Bella," I said, gripping her upper arms. "If they had hurt you…" I squeezed my eyes shut as the thought forced itself into my mind. I saw Bella's body in the grass, unmoving, her throat painted red with blood. "Victoria knows it's the worst thing she could ever do to me," I said. "It would be much worse than simply killing me."

I should have realized that Victoria would know that, having just lost her own mate. I remembered my conversation with Carlisle about the intense bonds vampires can form.

"Victoria won't stop until you're dead or she is," I said, terror filling me at the realization. "You are the only thing she is staying alive for, Bella."

"What can we do, Edward?" Bella asked, her eyes wide. "She keeps coming back, but always gets away before the wolves can catch her. She's so fast."

"She will make a mistake eventually," I said, trying to make myself believe the words. "And we'll kill her. But you have to stay with me or my family every minute until she does," I demanded, my hold on Bella's arms tightening fractionally.

Something flashed behind Bella's eyes, gone before I could identify it. She nodded, looking down at the grass.

"Alright, Edward."

* * *

BPOV

I should be happy. I know I should be happy, and nothing else. What he told me, it was everything I needed to hear in order for my world to make sense again. It was what I needed for my mangled heart to begin to heal.

And even now, I thought it was healing. The roaring pain had subsided to a throb, only an echo of the damage I had undergone. I was comforted by the thought that, although the ache may not be gone by tomorrow, I could at least imagine tomorrow coming without completely falling apart. I could do that because I could imagine that Edward would still be with me then.

He had promised me all of his tomorrows. _Forever…_

So, this odd disharmony between us didn't make sense. The random bursts of fear and anger, gone almost before I could identify the feeling, didn't make sense.

_Be happy; this is what you wanted_, I reminded myself as I watched the clouds move from my perch on a large boulder. Edward had taken us to another spot after I'd told him about our meadow, and about Laurent and Victoria. We now sat together on a ridge overlooking a wooded valley. There was a crisp breeze, and I was thankful to Alice for the recommendation about my clothing. Edward did little to disguise his concern as he watched me from a few yards away.

The brilliance that had flooded me earlier in his bedroom seemed to be fading off, slipping somehow. I didn't know how to hold onto it, even though I saw that my distance was hurting him.

It had hurt him to hear about Laurent, about how close I I had come to being killed in his absence. It hurt him to see me like this, unfocused and unsure. I hated that it hurt him, but I didn't know how to stop.

_It didn't have to be this way_, something in me cried. _None of this would have happened if he hadn't…_

I shut my eyes against the thought, pressing the heels of my hands against them.

_It doesn't matter; none of that matters…_ I chided myself mentally. _He's here and you're wasting it!_

"Bella." His anguished voice broke the silence that hung between us. I looked up at him, tears swimming in my vision.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said unsteadily.

He was at my side before I saw him move. He pulled my head against his chest, his face pressing against the top of my head.

"Shhh…," he whispered. "It's over, Bella. I won't let anything like that happen to you again, I promise."

He had promised me other things, too.

I felt my tears threaten to spill over, and sucked in a deep breath.

"I know," I said, nodding my head against him. "I know that. I don't know what's wrong with me."

He brought his hand to my chin and tipped my head up to look at him.

"You haven't gotten much sleep in the past few days," he said, his worried eyes searching my face. "And you definitely need to eat something. We should go back."

I nodded again. It had been at least an hour since we had fled the Cullens' house. If Jacob was going to be turned away, he should have by now.

Edward carried me cradled against his chest on our return trip. It took a little longer than when I held onto his back, but I was grateful that he kept me close that way.

Carlisle was waiting for us outside. He did not look happy. He rushed to us as Edward set me on my feet.

"_Edward_," he began, his eyes dark. He looked at his son intently for a moment, and I thought I saw Edward wince a little. Then he turned to me, stepping closer and putting a hand on my shoulder. "How are you feeling, Bella?" he asked, the edge gone from his voice. His gaze probed me, and I glanced away.

"I'm fine, Carlisle," I said, tucking my hair nervously behind my ear. "I… wasn't ready to see Jacob. I'm sorry we left like that."

Carlisle chuckled. "Well, I'm certain your friend will be back. He wasn't terribly pleased to find you gone."

"I bet," I murmured, remembering Jacob's new hatred for the Cullens. A new thought occurred to me, and I looked back at Carlisle. "You didn't let anyone hurt him, did you?" I asked anxiously.

I heard Edward hiss quietly next to me. I looked at him sharply, confused. His face was impassive; he did not meet my eyes.

"Of course not," Carlisle replied. "I told him that you were unharmed, and I reminded him of the conditions of our treaty. I suggested that he wait for an invitation before paying us another visit."

I tried to picture such a civil conversation between Jacob and the Cullens, and couldn't. Carlisle was undoubtedly understating the confrontation for my benefit.

"Bella, you need to get something to eat, and then some rest," Edward said, his hand resting on the small of my back.

"Yes," Carlisle agreed, a new enthusiasm in his voice. "Esme went to the store early this morning, and I've been working on a nutritional plan for you."

I crossed my arms over my chest self-consciously, wondering how long they would treat me this way. Until I'd gained a few pounds back? Until I went back to being the Bella they remembered?

_Never gonna happen_, my mind warned cynically.

"Great," I said, forcing a smile.

I followed Carlisle into the house, Edward close behind. Esme was in the kitchen, chopping vegetables with inhuman speed, a cookbook at her elbow. There were several steaming pots on the stovetop.

"Um, you do remember that there is only one of me, right?" I asked as I peeked into of the pots. It appeared to be enough beef stew for a family of ten.

"That's certainly true," Esme agreed with a laugh that was like music. She glanced around at the kitchen. Food in multiple stages of preparation covered every surface. "I suppose I did get carried away," she admitted. "I wasn't sure what you liked, and then Carlisle started making his lists, and it just took off from there."

She paused in her cooking, staring at me in a conflicted way. Finally she dropped the knife onto the counter and hurried across the kitchen toward me, a huge smile on her face. She took both of my hands in hers, squeezing them gently. "You are so welcome here, Bella," she said, her voice breaking. "Thank you so much for giving us another chance."

A blush crept over my cheeks, and I fought the urge to look away. I finally stepped forward and hugged her awkwardly.

"Of course," I said, blinking back tears. "I love you guys."

"And we love you, Bella," she whispered, squeezing me just a bit too tightly.

"Um…" I gasped, trying to figure out a way to politely remind her that breathing wasn't optional for me.

"Oh," she said, releasing me at once. "I did it again, didn't I?"

I smiled at her, shrugging. "We're just a little out of practice," I said.

A few minutes later I found myself seated at the table with Edward and his parents. Of course, I was the only one eating. I didn't entirely understand the diet Carlisle had prescribed for me, but the lunch Esme had cooked with his guidance was delicious, even if I doubted I would be able to finish even half of the portion they served me. I was a little ambivalent about the nutritional shake he insisted I include, but did not have the inclination or energy to argue with him. I ate in silence, very aware of their eyes on me.

"Um, where is everyone else?" I asked, hoping to distract them from the apparently fascinating sight of me chewing.

"They're upstairs," Carlisle said. "We didn't want to overwhelm you too quickly."

"Overwhelm me?" I shifted in my seat. "I wish… You didn't have to do that." I looked down at my food as I ate, no longer tasting it. My embarrassment had been joined by a tickling resentment, and unwelcome thoughts began to prod my mind.

_They're being so careful with you… now_, some bitter inner voice remarked. I tried uselessly to push it aside.

I hurried through the rest of the meal, even managing a little of the chalky shake. I pushed back from the table and stood up, bumping my knee clumsily against the table leg.

"Thank you for the food," I said, my eyes meeting theirs briefly. I ignored the concern I saw there. "I think I'm going to go rest for a little bit, okay? I'm still kind of jet-lagged."

"I'll come with you," Edward said at once, moving toward me.

I almost opened my mouth to protest before I stopped myself. What was I doing? Why wouldn't I want him with me, especially now? Confusion twisted inside me as he steered me through the living room. When we reached the foot of the stairs, he stopped suddenly and swept me into his arms, carrying me up to his bedroom. He set me down carefully to sit on the side of the bed, his gazed locked on me.

"Edward…," I began uncertainly. "Can you give me a few minutes?"

"Of course," he said.

He leaned in and kissed my forehead, and I felt an unexpected and painful dropping sensation in my stomach. I closed my eyes.

"I'll be close if you need me," he said, pressing his cold palm to my cheek.

A moment later, I heard the door close. I opened my eyes and saw that I was alone in the room. I could hear my heart beat in my ears, unnaturally loud in the silence.

I went into the bathroom first to freshen up. My hair had become tangled from my trips with Edward, and I really wanted to brush my teeth. I avoided my reflection in the mirror. I was feeling unsettled enough without a reminder of how bad I looked these days.

When I got back into the room, I noticed that someone had left me more clothes. They didn't look like Esme's style, and they were too large to be little Alice's. _Rosalie?_ I wondered in disbelief and I looked through them. I found a matching tank top and lounge pants, the knit material silky-soft. I changed into them and climbed into the bed, which had been made up in our absence. I scooted to the far side of the bed and curled up on my side, staring out the window.

It was early – probably not even noon yet, but I was exhausted. A weariness sank into me that reminded me of the feeling in my bones at the end of the day I had almost drowned. My eyes had just begun to close when I heard the door open quietly.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" he asked, sounding strangely unsure of himself.

I was tired, but not too tired to know the answer to that question.

"Yes, please," I said.

I felt the mattress sink behind me as he got under the covered and moved close to me, spooning his body against mine. I closed my eyes and focused on nothing but the feel of him.

This made sense, even if nothing else did. Even if I were totally losing my mind, I couldn't not want this.

"I love you, Bella," he whispered, his breath cool on my neck. "Just rest…"

I relaxed my body with a long sigh, and sleep folded over me gently.


	11. Chapter 11

BPOV

It felt like minutes later when I was awakened suddenly by a ringing phone. My eyes opened reluctantly, and I realized that it was nearly dusk. Edward's room was flooded with a soft pink light.

Edward's room.

I sat up with a jerk.

"Bella…" His silken voice came from beside me. I looked and saw him sitting against the head board beside me. His arms were open, but he didn't move toward me. There was a question in his eyes. I looked at him uncertainly.

The phone rang again. We both glanced at the door as we heard Carlisle answer it in a professional tone. A second later Edward was on his feet in a motion too fast for me to follow. He looked back at me, his jaw clenched.

"Stay here," he said in a voice that was almost a hiss. "I'll be right back."

He was gone before I could open my mouth to speak, shutting the door behind him.

For a few moments I stayed where I was, a little stunned. I pulled my knees against my chest and ran my hands through my hair, feeling my heart begin to quicken its pace. The sun's glow through the glass wall made the room feel surreal and dreamlike. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, telling myself to just wait for him. Edward wouldn't leave me alone for long.

My heart raced disobediently.

"…thinks we're going to hand her over to that _dog_-"

My eyes shot open as I heard Edward's angry voice, muffled by the closed door.

Jacob.

I jumped out of bed, rushing from the room. I followed the voices to the far end of the hall, where the family was crowded into Carlisle's office. They had heard me as soon as my feet had hit the floor, and stared at me in silence as I stormed into the room.

"Was that Jacob?" I demanded. "What is going on?"

I heard Jasper gasp. I looked over in time to see Edward glance at him, something like hatred in his eyes. He muttered something that sounded like, "Don't know anything."

Carlisle shot them a warning look, then turned back to me, his face carefully composed.

"That was Billy Black," he said, his distaste barely concealed. "Jacob told them that you are here with us, and they've decided to get involved."

"Involved?" I repeated.

"They want us to take you to the reservation," Alice said, frowning. "As if that's going to happen."

"Don't worry, Bella," Edward said, wrapping his arms around me. "You're not going anywhere." I returned his embrace automatically, my mind racing.

"I should talk to Jacob," I began. I imagined the potential violence in a confrontation between the Cullens and the wolves, and panic rose in me. "They're just worried about me. I can explain-"

"No, Bella," Edward said harshly, his arms tightening on me.

I pushed back from his chest and stared at him, shocked.

"Edward," I said slowly. "I _will_ talk to Jacob. He deserves an explanation."

The family exchanged uneasy glances. Edward's face was like stone.

"You have no idea how dangerous a young werewolf is," he said imperiously. "I will not allow you to put yourself at that kind of risk."

My mouth hung open. I was too stunned to respond.

Not _allow_ me?

"Edward…" Jasper warned in a low voice, glancing at me.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with Edward, Bella," Carlisle said, apparently oblivious to my reaction. He came around the desk to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "We'll meet them at the treaty line to… discuss this, if it comes down to it, but you're staying here."

I slowly studied their faces. Jasper looked afraid; Emmett, uncomfortable. Alice and Esme smiled at me sympathetically. Rosalie looked bored.

No one was going to speak up for me.

"That's just… great," I said in an angry whisper. I began to shake. "You have been back in my life for… a day? Two? And you already know what is best for me. That's… great."

"Bella," Edward said, exasperated. "Be reasonable. We have dealt with the wolves before."

"And so have I!" I said, my voice beginning to rise in volume. "They are my _friends_. They were the only friends I had when-" My breath caught in my throat, cutting off my words. I ran a shaking hand through my hair, feeling control slipping away.

"Yes, I realize that you and Jacob became very _close_ while I was gone," Edward said, his voice laced with bitterness.

Alice gasped, Emmett cursed, and suddenly Edward's family all had somewhere else they needed to be. I barely noticed them leave.

I felt my face getting warm, and a haze of anger washed out everything else as I gaped at Edward. He met my stare with a combination of unease and defiance.

"You… You're _angry_ with me… about _Jacob_?" I asked incredulously. He glanced away from me, his mouth drawn into a tight line.

"I know I have no right to be," he muttered, not sounding entirely convinced.

"You're damn right you don't!" I shouted. There was no point in keeping my voice down, not in this house. "You were _gone_, Edward. You left me with _nothing_, and you made sure I believed that it was for good! Jacob was… nice to me. He was the only person who could stand to be around me when I was so messed up I was hardly even a person anymore. He knew it was about you, but he never made me feel like I was stupid, or broken… He just let me… _be_. I don't know what you would have come back to if he hadn't been there."

Edward's face contorted with pain as I yelled at him, but I couldn't stop.

"I… _God_, Edward! Right now, I almost wish you were right about him and me, but you're not! If you had just _asked_ me, I could have told you that. I care about Jake, I do, but if you are so… so ignorant about how I feel about you that you can even _imagine_ me wanting someone else…" I shook my head. "I don't know what I can say to you to make you believe me. I don't know what else I can do, Edward."

"Bella-" he began, reaching for me. I yanked my arm away from him and ran from the room, sobbing.

About halfway down the hall, my foot caught on something invisible and I felt myself falling. Just before I hit the hardwood floor, I found myself in a pair of unyielding arms.

"I actually can see you a little better now," Alice said, smiling down at me ruefully. "That's good; it will save you some stitches."

I buried my face in my hands and cried as she pulled me into an embrace.

"Come on, Bella," she said. "We're going to have some girl time while you cool down and Edward gets his head out of his ass."

I looked up and saw that Rosalie was standing behind her, watching me with an expression I could swear was admiration.

I didn't fight them as they gently prodded me toward Alice and Jasper's room, leaving Edward standing in the hallway, speechless.

* * *

EPOV

_Getting reamed out over a dog, man; that's rough._

I fixed Emmett with a killing stare. He just shrugged.

"Whatever, Edward," he said, silently adding, _I'd have gotten a lot worse from Rosie if I'd have pulled that_.

Bella was shut in with Alice and Rosalie in Alice and Jasper's room. I fumed silently on the couch downstairs, torn between remorse and frustration. My instinct told me to run upstairs and make her listen to my apology, but a single image kept forcing the idea away – that of Bella's small hand in Jacob Black's. It was one of the series of flashbacks running through his mind earlier as he had approached the house, but guilt and worry had kept my jealousy at bay at the time.

Of course she would have made other friends. And, of course, someone had begun to be more than a friend. That had been my goal, after all, and it didn't surprise me for a moment that others had taken the opportunity to pursue her when I had gone. I had been a fool, and I was sure that Jacob Black was not the only boy who had tried to make me pay for that mistake. There were no surprises there, only relief that the situation wasn't worse.

And then Jasper had felt her response when she was worried that Jacob may have been hurt while we were gone. He had been taken off guard by the intensity of her affection, much stronger than was to be expected for one of the many admirers she had always tolerated with such good humor. Jasper's thoughts had hit me like a wall – Bella's emotion felt like love to him.

He had tried to backpedal, explaining to me that it wasn't romantic, that it was something else, almost familial. I had tried to believe him, but my memory replayed with perfect clarity her smile, her laugh, even the feel of her hand – all from Jacob's besotted perception. There was no question as to the nature of his feelings for her; I had known he was infatuated with Bella since I had met him last spring.

I had never had to fear him, though. Not like this. I felt as though my very life was slipping from my grasp, about to fall to the ground and smash into a million pieces.

_And I just made it all so much better_, I thought angrily. _I might as well drive her to the treaty line myself now_.

I had never seen Bella so upset with me, ever.

Carlisle and my brothers were on the other side of the room, discussing plans for dealing with the Quielutes.

"How long do we have before the wolves act, Carlisle?" Jasper asked. I noted without much interest that he was trying to ignore me; the emotions I was giving off were making him edgy.

"They are demanding that we bring Bella to the treaty line within the hour," Carlisle said. "Although, if she were to speak with them, it might buy us a little more time to make plans, decide what we're going to tell Charlie."

"No," I said quietly. "That isn't going to happen."

I believed Bella when she said that Jacob was only her friend, but she hadn't been in his mind. And I hadn't needed Jasper to see what was behind her eyes when she defended Jacob to us. She may not realize how close I had come to returning to her too late, but I did, and the thought terrified me.

"Edward, you can trust Bella," Jasper said, sensing my motivations with irritating accuracy. "What I felt from her was surprising, but it doesn't compare to what she puts off around you, uh, normally." I saw him hide a smile as he remembered my little Bella all but shaking the window panes with her wrath.

Carlisle looked at me calmly, electing to state his position silently.

_He's right, Edward. We can't stop her from making her own choices in this, and I will not indulge your foolish jealousy._

"Werewolves are dangerous," I said defensively, not meeting his eyes. "Especially young ones. He can't have any real control yet; he could kill her. I'm not going to let her get torn apart because she feels some debt of gratitude to this boy."

_She feels more than that_, Jasper thought before he could stop himself. He looked at me apologetically.

I pressed my fists against my lap, wishing ridiculously that the wolves would come now, storm the house, and give me a target for the unfocused rage inside.

"Jacob has not harmed her," Carlisle said. "Bella trusts him. I have my reservations about the situation, but we need to consider the possibility that she understands what she's doing."

"We aren't sending her there," I objected. "We… She needs to stay here." It was not just my home anymore. It was ours. I couldn't imagine her anywhere else; not with Charlie, and certainly not with the dogs on the Quielute reservation.

"The Quielutes believe they can better protect her from Victoria," Carlisle said, his brow knit in thought. "Do you know how many are in this pack?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I know Bella saw several of them."

"They phased in front of her?" Carlisle asked, surprised. "It was my understanding that the tribe kept the pack's human identities quite secretive."

"The pack was hunting," I explained. "They came across Bella. Laurent was there, about to kill her."

"Dear god!" Carlisle exclaimed.

"Yes, he had come to see if Bella was still under our protection," I said, my stomach turning as I once again pictured him finding her in such a vulnerable situation.

Carlisle drew in a long breath, shocked by the image.

"It isn't any wonder that she's angry at us for implying that we'll protect her from the wolves." He said at last. "It sounds as though they have been her protectors for some time."

I gave a short laugh of disbelief.

"She's lucky they haven't killed her," I said. "I would hardly categorize them as her protectors."

"She lucky one of us haven't killed her," Jasper said suddenly.

I drew my breath in with a hiss. My eyes locked to his.

"_Don't_," I warned, furious. "Not now."

_Then don't make me_, he countered silently, a challenge in his eyes.

"That's enough," Carlisle said, his voice raised sharply. He looked between Jasper and me, a question in his eyes. _What is this about, Edward?_

"Not now," I said again, glancing away uncomfortably. He was silent for a long moment.

"Later, then," Carlisle finally said. "Right now we need to make some decisions. Bella's father is going to know that she's back in Forks soon, one way or another. Aside from your unwillingness to be apart from her, I don't think it's safe for Bella to stay at Charlie's while Victoria is still hunting."

"What about Charlie?" Emmett asked. "Would Victoria go after him?"

"That's a possibility we need to consider," Carlisle said, thoughtfully. "We should watch their house."

I shook my head. "She only wants Bella," I said. "She wants revenge for James, and no one else will accomplish that for her. Charlie is as safe as any other human in Forks."

"That doesn't make me feel very much better," Carlisle said with a frown. "As long as she is in the area, she will be feeding here, and we can't protect the entire town." He sighed, looking tired. "We need to end this as soon as possible."

"I agree," I said. "I didn't have much luck tracking Victoria on my own, though. I'm not sure that we can force a confrontation before she wants one."

"Maybe we should try to find her anyway," Emmett said. "No offense, bro, but it's not like you had your best game on lately. We might be able to do better."

He did have a point there. Not only had I spend most of my time hovering on the edge of sanity, but I had truly come to believe that tracking just wasn't a skill I possessed.

"Yes," Carlisle said, warming to the idea. "I'll start investigating unsolved murders in the surrounding areas, see if I can begin to trace her. Alice might have better results seeing her with a little direction, too. It will definitely be a lot safer for us to control the fight with her."

Jasper nodded. "I have some old acquaintances who sometimes pass through not far from here. I can try to find them, see if they've seen or heard of her."

I felt reassured somewhat to be making a plan, even if it still felt like a long shot. Even at my worst, I had expected to uncover some sign of Victoria. I had never even come close to actually finding her.

We still had a problem, though.

"What about Charlie?" I asked. Nobody answered. We had nothing.

I heard movement on the stairs, and turned to see Bella standing at the top step. Her eyes were red and swollen, and she looked almost as tired as she had in Italy. Remorse flooded over me.

"Bella," I said urgently, going to her. I stopped when I was a few steps away from her, unsure of what she wanted from me.

I was relieved beyond words to see that her expression had softened from the angry mask it was earlier, although there was still a glint of determination there.

"Let's talk, Edward," she said, glancing around at Carlisle and my brothers. "Alone."


	12. Chapter 12

EPOV

"Your sisters love you," Bella said suddenly, breaking the silence that had fallen.

We sat together in my car, parked off the road a few miles from the house, away from my family's hearing. It had been Bella's idea that we go for a drive so we could talk privately, and I had waited nervously for almost five minutes before she finally started the conversation with her strange remark about my sisters.

It was full dark now, and I knew that Bella couldn't see much beyond the windshield as she stared straight ahead. A bemused smile crossed her face.

"What makes you say that?" I asked her. I was relieved that her mood seemed to have shifted, even if the tension between us remained.

"They reminded me how I would have reacted if you had spent time with someone while you were gone."

I froze, not expecting her to approach the subject of our disagreement so quickly.

"How would you have felt?" I asked, both curious and wary. My reaction to Jacob had been difficult for me to understand. At one moment I felt completely justified, the next, ridiculous and petty. More than anything, though, I wanted to put our argument behind us.

"I would have been insane," she admitted with a sigh. "I've been jealous of people in your life before. I think I understand why being apart would make that worse." She sounded almost apologetic.

I had been prepared for her anger. I had been prepared to beg her forgiveness. I had not been prepared for her to offer it unasked.

I felt like the lowest creature on earth.

"Bella, I was wrong," I said, my hands gripping the steering wheel. "It was unfair of me to make you feel badly about anything that happened while I was gone."

"Yeah, it was," she said, but there wasn't any venom in the words. "You made me feel terrible, Edward."

I hung my head. Her anger had been shocking, but this calm description of what I had done was worse, so much worse.

"I am sorry, Bella," I said.

We sat in silence for a long moment. She looked down at her hands, which were clasped tightly in her lap.

"I was thinking that, maybe, you needed to ask me some questions," she said, the words tumbling out nervously. "You know, about Jacob, and the last few months."

I felt a fresh pang of fear.

"You don't have to do that," I said. "We don't have to talk about him anymore. It's not important."

She sighed with frustration.

"Yes, it is," she said. "I didn't think it would be, but what happened back at home made me realize that this is something we need to deal with. If we don't, then we're just going to end up angry again, and I don't want that."

She was so intently focused on the conversation that she didn't hear what I did – she had called my family's house "home" for the first time. A surge of joy swept through me, and I was stunned into silence.

"So, please, Edward," she continued, oblivious to my reaction. "Can we just do this now?"

I tried to refocus. This was important to her.

"You want me to ask you questions," I said. "About Jacob." There, that did it. Speaking his name pulled me painfully back to the issue at hand.

"Yes," she said. "I mean, I don't _want_ you to, but I think we need to. I just don't want you to guess or wonder about any of it anymore."

I thought for a long moment. I had a hundred questions. I didn't know if I could stand to hear any of the answers. I wanted to forget about the topic. I wanted her to forget about him.

That wasn't going to happen, for either of us. I sighed, accepting that she was right about us needing to discuss him. I tried to isolate a single question in my mind.

The words that I finally spoke startled both of us.

"He's touched you," I said.

I winced, wishing I had chosen something else to begin with. There was a primal part of me, though, that was indignant at the thought of any part of him coming into contact with any part of her. That primal self would not listen to my more reasoned thoughts, and it demanded to be addressed first.

Bella cleared her throat and shifted in her seat.

"That's not a question," she said, her voice calm, "but, yes."

I waited for her to say more, but she didn't. She really was going to make me ask.

"How?" I finally managed. "How has he touched you?"

My mind took that as a cue to imagine her in his arms, kissing him, whispering his name breathlessly. That image and a hundred others, even worse than the first, flew at me in the few seconds it took her to form her answer. I sat tensely in the darkness, trying to force myself to exude a calm I didn't feel. I didn't want to scare her.

"I held his hand sometimes," she said. Her voice was even, but I saw the blush rising in her neck as she answered. "He's hugged me, put his arm around me. That's all."

I closed my eyes tightly. It was not what I had let myself fear, but the images still hurt. I knew that she believed it was nothing important; I didn't know how to make her understand that every part of her was precious to me, sacred. Even brushing against the palm of her hand or the smoothness of her cheek was a gift, one that I didn't want to ever share.

"Why is it different for Jacob to hug me than for Carlisle or Charlie or Alice?" she asked. There was nothing defensive in her tone; she truly wanted to know.

"Because he sees you in a way they don't, Bella," I said in a broken whisper. "I've seen you through his eyes, and he sees you almost… the way I do. When he touches you, he's touching that Bella – _my_ Bella." Saying the words left me feeling achingly vulnerable, and I was grateful for the darkness in the car.

I felt her warm hand touch mine tentatively.

"There isn't anyone else who can reach that part of me, Edward," she said softly. "It's yours. I don't think it even existed before you."

The urge to pull her to me, to devour her with my kiss and push away any further talk, was nearly irresistible. Something within in me It seemed, though, that, now that the subject had been opened, I did have more questions for her.

"Do you know how he feels about you?" I asked, and immediately wished I could pull the words back.

I hadn't intended to bring this up. I had reasoned that it was just as well if she didn't know that he was in love with her, but for some reason I found that I needed to know. Could she really be ignorant of the fact that he wanted her as much more than just a friend?

She glanced at me, and I saw guilt in her eyes. She pulled her hand away from mine and returned it to her lap.

"I know that he wants more from me than I can give him," she said carefully, looking down. "But he understands that I'm not-"

"He's in love with you, Bella," I said, more harshly than I intended. I watched her face as a tear traveled slowly down her cheek.

"I didn't want that to happen," she said, her voice breaking. "I didn't try to make that happen."

"I believe you," I said. It was the truth. Bella didn't have to try to make everyone around her fall in love. It was one of the best and worst things about being with her.

"I tried to tell him that I couldn't be… that for him," she said. "I don't know if he believed me."

"I don't either," I said. "I wasn't in his head for very long today." That was the scariest part in some ways. I had only seen his thoughts for a moment, and still had learned so much. "But it was clear that you are extremely important to him, Bella."

She fidgeted in her seat, shifting to look out the window next to her.

"He's important to me, too," she said. "I really don't make very many close friends, Edward. It hurts that I can't just have that with him."

"What do you mean?"

She looked back at me. She was smiling a little, but her eyes were sad.

"I'm not totally clueless, you know," she said. "I know that teenage boys don't spend all of their time around girls who just want to be their friends. I know that should have made me step back, but it didn't. I knew we weren't in the same place, but I needed him too much to stop. It was really unfair of me, really selfish."

"I don't think he was suffering, Bella," I said with a bitter laugh.

"Of course he was," she said, no longer smiling. "I was hurting him, and even worse, I was setting him up to get hurt even more. I knew that I would have to tell him no one day. I think he knew that, too. I could tell sometimes that he wanted to ask me for more, and he wouldn't."

"He still wants that, though," I said. "He's never going to stop wanting that with you." _Believe me; I know._

"I just don't want to hurt him," she said, her voice trembling.

I was torn between the need to soothe her and my revulsion at her concern for him. I hated that this boy's obsession with her was causing her pain.

"It's not your fault," I said. "He chose to keep spending time with you. You never pretended you could love him."

"What if I did, though?" she asked. "Even without meaning to. Maybe I did. I was so afraid of losing him, of being alone again. What if I used what he felt for me so that wouldn't happen?"

I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I said. "I know it's not what you want to hear, but I can't feel badly for Jacob Black because he might have believed that you loved him."

"Yeah, I guess I can't expect you to," she said.

We were quiet together for a few minutes, lost in our separate thoughts.

"What else?" she finally said. "I need to know what about this is hurting you."

"Bella," I said, shaking my head. "What hurts more than anything is knowing that I let all of this happen. He only got close to you because of what I did. Feeling that come between us… I'll never stop regretting that."

"Me neither," she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked her, surprised. She had not expressed any regret to me about Jacob before, aside from her misplaced guilt about hurting his feelings.

She looked at me uneasily and didn't speak.

"Please, Bella, tell me," I begged.

"It's just that… before you were gone," she said hesitantly. "I never had even considered being with anyone else. It was like I didn't just love you; for me, that kind of love _was_ you. It made what you and I had even more special."

"And you…," My voice faltered, but I pushed on. "You considered being with him." The words felt like a knife as I spoke them.

"Yeah," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "And now… Even though I know better, it feels like I betrayed you, like I let someone into a place in my life that was only supposed to be ours."

"You didn't," I said, my own voice breaking. "Please don't think that."

Had I thought that her remorse would comfort me? It was impossible when I felt her pain like it was my own.

"I just want it all back to the way it was," she said. "I want what we had before. But everything that happened, everything you and I did and went through… It changes us, Edward. I know that I'm not the same, and I don't think you are, either."

"I still love you, though," I said, my words feeling weak. "More than anything, Bella."

Her expression softened.

"Yeah," she said, smiling with wonder. "And I still love you. That part doesn't change at all, does it?"

"Never," I agreed vehemently.

A shadow of worry crossed her face.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Edward, if things had turned out differently, if there had been more going on between Jacob and me, would you still have wanted me? Could you have forgiven me?"

I knew the answer immediately, but the anguish in her eyes made me careful when I finally spoke.

"It would have hurt," I said honestly. "You have to know that I grieve for every minute that I lost with you, that I let him take from me. I would have had more to grieve. And it would have been harder for me to presume to ask for another chance with you, if I thought that you had moved on."

"But you still would have asked?"

"Yes," I said. "I'm almost ashamed to say that I would have."

"You mean, that you would forgive me so easily?" she asked in a hurt voice, misunderstanding my words.

"No, Bella," I said quickly. "Not about that. It wouldn't have been a question of forgiveness, just as it isn't now. However I may feel, I can't hold you responsible for accepting love from someone else when I wasn't there to give that to you."

"Then… I don't understand what you mean by ashamed, Edward," she said.

"I'm ashamed that I would be that selfish," I said, looking away from her. "I wanted to believe that I could have walked away, if you had found someone else. I wanted to believe that I would be able to do that for you, that I could still do that if that's what you needed from me." I shook my head. "I don't think it's possible for me, though."

I imagined walking away without a fight were she to tell me that she wanted more than friendship from Jacob. _No, definitely not possible_, I thought, my jaw clenching.

"I know the feeling," she said with a little laugh. "I'm glad, though, that you can't. Losing you will never be what is best for me, Edward."

I couldn't meet her eyes. I wanted what she said to be true, but it felt impossible in the face of everything I had put her through. It was impossible not to imagine her living a natural human life in which loving someone was a simple thing. Every step we took together seemed to wind up hurting her. Even if I could no longer deny that she and I needed each other, I could not entirely put aside my sadness for all the pain our life had known, and would yet know.

When she spoke again, there was an intensity in her words that reminded me more of her earlier anger than anything else she had said to me during our conversation.

"I need you to hear me when I say this, because I'm only going to do it one more time," she said, seeming to brace herself as she drew a deep breath. "Jacob will _never_ take me away from you. The way I care about him is nothing like what I feel for you. There is just no way to compare it, Edward, and it really makes me upset when you try. It hurts me, because it shows me that you really don't get at all how much I love you. I have been yours, and only yours, from the first moment I saw you. Please try to understand how I feel about you, because if you do, I swear that you will never wonder again if a friend, even a close one, can touch that."

I just looked at her, overwhelmed by love and need. Thoughts of jealousy and betrayal felt very far away.

"How…" I whispered. "How did I ever deserve you?"

Her eyes met mine, shimmering with unshed tears.

"You _saw_ me," she said. "When I met you, I could feel it. Everyone around me saw what they expected to, or what they wanted to, but you really looked. That was such an amazing thing for me, Edward."

I smiled as I remembered her as she had been in those first weeks. She was so nervous around me, but there had been something else alongside that very normal teenage demeanor that had drawn me in, something that had nothing to do with the scent of her blood. Bella was connected to herself and her surroundings in a way that I had never before seen in someone her age. She understood and embraced her place in the world, and how it affected those around her. Even more, she took on a responsibility to make that influence a positive one, even when it was difficult or painful for her.

I remembered talking with her about the decision she had made to move to Forks for the sake of her mother's happiness. I didn't think she knew how much that one thing had told me about her. Of course I saw her; I would have been blind or stupid not to – she was extraordinary. I didn't know when I first realized I loved her. It hadn't felt like a discovery for me, more like remembering something that I had always known.

"You were so full of kindness and love," I said, wanting to somehow express to her how much she had affected me, even then. "I couldn't believe how much generosity, intelligence, and gentleness someone so young possessed. You were so different from every other person in that school. I couldn't resist you."

She blushed and looked down at her hands. God, I wanted to touch her.

"Thank you," she said shyly. "I wish I could see everything the way you do. I've never really understood why you wanted me."

My smile retreated, replaced by a rush of sadness at her words.

"Bella," I began, struggling to find the words that would make her see. "I have been alive for over a hundred years, and I have _never_ known your equal. There has been no one who has even come close to touching me the way you did, the way you still do. Every time I look at you, I am just… _lost_ in how much I love you, how impossibly beautiful you are to me in every way."

She looked at me with fearful eyes. "That's just… crazy to me, Edward. I'm just… what I am. Human. Ordinary. I can't stop feeling like you're going to figure that out any minute."

I had reached the limit of what I could hear without having her in my arms. I reached across her in a rapid movement, releasing her seatbelt. I slid over to her and lifted her onto my lap. Feeling her arms go around me without hesitation was like drawing breath. We held each other in silence for several minutes, her head tucked under my chin.

I felt her hair beneath my hand, against my cheek. I breathed her scent, listened to her heartbeat, did all I could to take her in, let her presence ground me. It was impossibly frightening to remember that long ago conversation without the reassurance of her in my arms.

"That's why you believed me," I finally said, the words coming out with difficulty. "I never thought you would believe me so easily."

She understood at once what I was talking about. She stiffened slightly, and made a little movement that I believed was a shrug. "I had no reason not to believe you, Edward. I never thought that you'd…"

"You never thought I would lie to you," I finished for her. She nodded against me, her arms still holding me tightly.

I closed my eyes against the pain her words sent through me. I had imagined a hundred reasons that she had accepted my ridiculous statements to her that day in the woods. It could have been her lack of knowledge about the largely unchanging temperaments of my kind. It could have been a result of the countless similar breakups she had witnessed in the human relationships around her. I had even thought that she may have simply been relieved to finally be given a way out.

The real reason for her acceptance was so simple, and such a powerful statement about her perception of me – she had trusted me. A lie had simply never occurred to her. I remembered every word I spoke to her that day, and a new depth of regret filled me.

"How can I fix this, Bella?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

She shifted in my arms. I opened my eyes when I felt her fingertips against my cheek, urging me to look at her. I turned my face to her, obedient to her feather-light touch.

Her expression was filled with sorrow and desire. I felt my breath hitch in my chest.

"Just stay," she said, her voice pleading. "Please, just stay with me." I ran my thumb along her cheekbone, wiping away fresh tears.

I couldn't stop myself from crying with her. She was still afraid I would go. Even more, she still loved me enough to beg me not to.

"I swear it," I said, my voice rough with emotion as I drew her lips to mine.

It was nothing, less than nothing, the promise of a liar. And still, I felt her hands slide into my hair and her body press against me as she returned the kiss with abandon.

I promised myself silently that I would never again test her faith in me that way. I did not deserve the gift she was giving me, but I swore to myself that I would not waste it.

She broke away from our kiss suddenly, her expression serious and urgent.

"And I need something else, Edward," she said.

I remembered when she had asked me almost the same thing that morning. My answer hadn't changed.

"Anything," I said.

"I need you to trust me," she said. "Believe what I tell you. Ask me what I think. I know that, compared to you and your family, I'm not much. But I'm not a child, Edward. Not anymore." There was a heaviness in her last two words that made my heart want to break.

"I know you're not," I said. "I… We all just want to take care of you. We owe you that."

She shook her head. "That's not what I need from you."

I looked at her, a question in my eyes.

"What do you need, Bella?" I asked, realizing that I had not done so since she'd returned to me. How had I not asked her that?

"I need you to see _me_, Edward, and not a problem to be solved," she said, her voice shaking. "You can't erase what happened, and it hurts me when you try. I know that it hurts you to see how I've changed, but it happened. This is who I am, now. I need to feel that you want to be with me, even though I'm not the same person I was when you left."

"I just wish…," I began. I didn't know how to finish the sentence, but she nodded, understanding my sadness and longing.

"Me too, Edward," she said.

She laid her head against my chest, and her body relaxed against me.

"I'm so sorry," I said. "For everything."

There was only the slightest of pauses before she answered me.

"I forgive you, Edward."


	13. Chapter 13

BPOV

Edward and I returned to the house surrounded by a silence that was a different species than the one that had carried us from the house less than an hour ago. It felt lighter._ I_ felt lighter.

Rather than getting out of the car immediately, Edward turned to me after he pulled into the garage and stopped the engine. His eyes locked to mine for a long moment, deadly black, his expression unreadable.

"Are you thirsty?" I had asked, suddenly breathless.

"No," he replied, not offering further explanation, and not moving his gaze from mine.

I felt like prey as he looked at me, in a way that had nothing to do with my blood. A lazy heat seemed to rise in me, spread from my belly outward, all the way to my fingers and toes.

My heart pounded as he leaned in slowly and brushed his lips over mine. The contact was gentle, so brief that it was barely even a kiss, but I felt every nerve ending in my body tingle in response. My breath was a ragged shudder. He drew away from me slowly, still watching me with that strange intensity.

"Let's get inside," he said, his voice rough. A moment later he was opening my door for me. My legs didn't want to entirely support me, and I stumbled as I climbed out of the car. He caught me in an embrace.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked, concerned.

I slowly slid my hands upward from where they rested against his chest. I ran them along the cold skin of his neck, and pushed my fingers into his hair.

"Yes," I breathed. "I'm fine."

Edward's eyes widened, and his fingertips pressed harder into where he held me around my ribs. He pulled me tightly against him.

"I don't want to take you inside," he said in a growl.

"Then don't," I said. I didn't care that I was still in Rosalie's pajamas. I didn't care that Edward's family could hear every word I said. The only thing that felt important right now was following this strange pull between us, tracing it to its source and drinking deep.

"Bella…" he said in a low voice. "We have to go inside. The wolves..." His hands kneaded the flesh of my lower back, my hips, then lower. A shudder coursed through me, and I arched against him.

"Please, Edward…," I whispered, my mouth nearly touching his. He groaned, and I heard his surrender in the sound.

The garage door swung and slammed loudly against the wall.

"You're back! Great!" Alice said cheerily. "And it looks like you had a nice talk." Her eyes twinkled wickedly.

Edward pulled back from me with reluctance and stared at her icily. I felt myself flush bright red, and I struggled to slow my heart.

Alice smirked at him and raised one eyebrow. "Hey, if I hadn't come in now, I would have had to choose between an assault on the house by a pack of angry wolves, or barging in on you two at a _much_ worse moment." She looked thoughtful. "Actually, that would have been a pretty tough call."

Edward sighed and I felt his hands fall away from me.

Yeah, I think I would have gone with the angry wolves.

I tried to shake off the hormonal fog that had descended as Edward guided me inside, his arm around my waist. We followed Alice back inside to the living room where she immediately went to Jasper, who was sitting in an armchair, his face tense. She climbed into his lap, and he pulled her against him. Emmett was sitting on the stairs. Rosalie sat on the step beneath him, a sketch pad open on her lap. He played with strands of her hair as she moved a stick of charcoal over the paper rapidly. Esme walked out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. Carlisle followed behind her, his face anxious.

"Edward, Bella," Carlisle began. "We need to contact the Blacks." His eyes darted from me to Edward, and I heard Edward sigh beside me.

Edward and I had spent a few minutes alone discussing how we would handle the wolves. We had argued briefly before deciding that we would invite Jacob to come talk with me at the Cullens'. I had wanted to go to the reservation alone to talk with Jacob and the others, but Edward worried that they wouldn't let me leave if I did. Edward had suggested that a phone call from me would be enough, but I knew that Jacob wouldn't back off until he saw for himself that I was fine and with the Cullens by my own choice. More than anything, I wanted to avoid any scenario that resulted in the Cullens and the Quileutes ending up in a violent confrontation.

"Call Billy Black," Edward said. "Tell him that he can send Jacob and one other. They can see Bella, speak to her, witness that she is unharmed, but not until morning. Bella has been through enough for one day."

Bella didn't particularly enjoy him talking about her as though she weren't standing right next to him.

"If it's a problem, I can do this tonight, Edward," I said, unable to conceal my annoyance.

"I'll see what I can do, Edward," Carlisle said, as if I hadn't spoken. I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"And if they don't agree? If they still demand her release?" Jasper asked.

"Then we fight," Emmett said, jumping to his feet. "There are seven of us; they can't expect to have a chance."

"No!" I said, my voice rising in alarm. "No one is fighting anyone. I will talk to them. They won't like it, but they'll have to back off when they see that this is what I want."

"I hope you're right, Bella," Carlisle said. "But we have to consider the possibility that they won't."

He was right. I didn't think it would come to it, but if the wolves decided to attack, they would do it quickly. There wouldn't be time to make plans.

"We can divide into two groups," Emmett said, his excitement plain. "Three of us can move out, watch the perimeter, and three can stay back to wait for attack here. That leaves Edward free to get Bella out before the fighting starts-"

Frustration was crowded out by fear edging toward panic and finally getting swallowed by anger.

"Listen to me!" I shouted, stepping away from Edward. "All of you listen. No. One. Is. Fighting." I was breathing hard again. "You are my family. The Quileutes are my friends. We will do this without fighting."

I saw Edward trying to hide a smile, and I glared daggers at him. The rest of the family stared at me in shock. All of them but Rosalie.

"Okay, Gandhi," she said, closing her sketchbook and setting it on the stair beside her. "But your wolf friends may not be as enlightened as you are. Our only plan can't be a group hug followed by a chorus of 'Kumbaya.'"

"She's right," Carlisle said. "As much as you don't want it to happen, they many give us no choice but a confrontation. For everyone's safety, we will have to make a plan for what happens in that case."

My mind filled with images of the wolves and the Cullens surrounded by blood, fire, death. I shook my head silently. _No more of that_, I thought. _Please, no more_.

"Then we leave," Edward said. Every head in the room looked at him in surprise. He moved toward me and took my hand. "All of us."

I felt my heart speed up.

"Yes," I said. "If they don't give us a choice, we'll have to."

"Are you sure, Bella?" Esme asked, her eyes full of concern.

"Yes," I said, glancing at Edward. "We're going to have to leave soon either way. I would rather talk to Charlie first, let him know why I can't go back home again. I know that I should…"

"We understand," Carlisle said. Esme was standing beside him, and she reached for his hand silently, her eyes on me.

"What will you tell him?" Alice asked quietly. Her eyes were sad, and I wondered if she could see my father once I was gone.

"I'm going to tell him the truth," I said, realizing my plan as I spoke the words. The time for cover stories, slumber parties, and bogus college plans was over. If I was ever going to break away, it would have to be now. "He won't understand, but he deserves to hear it."

"Bella," Carlisle said gently. "You can't tell your father about us. It isn't safe for him to know."

I smiled at his concern. Did they still think me so naïve?

"No, of course not," I said. "I won't tell him about vampires and all of that. That's not the part he needs to know." I turned and looked at Edward. Conflict was written on his face, longing battling guilt. I kept my eyes on his as I spoke. "I'm going to tell him that I love Edward and that we're going to be together forever. I'm going to tell him that I'm leaving to start our life together. I'll miss my family, but I need this. We both do."

Edward's eyes were locked to mine. He brought his hand to touch my hair, smoothing it back from my face.

"_Bella_…," he breathed.

Jasper sighed heavily. Carlisle cleared his throat.

Edward and I moved away from each other slightly. I looked away, blushing.

"He won't understand," Alice said sadly. "He'll be angry."

"I know," I said, guilt pressing in heavily. "He's going to think that I'm a stupid girl running away to be with her teenage boyfriend. He's going to think I'm ruining my life. He'll hate it, but it will make sense to him. He basically did the same thing when he married my mom."

There would never be a good way to walk out of Charlie's life. Given the options, though, a rebellious love affair seemed a better option than faking my death or disappearing mysteriously.

"No matter how this happens, it's going to hurt him," I said. "I can't pretend that it won't."

Edward squeezed my hand.

"What about school, Bella?" Carlisle asked. "I had expected that you would want to graduate before, uh, moving on."

Compared to the weighty prospect of leaving my father forever, missing my last semester of chemistry and English lit felt less than important.

"I think I'll get the chance to do the high school thing again a few more times at some point," I said, laughing.

Edward's family watched me with expressions that were oddly guarded.

"What?" I asked. My smiled faded. I turned to Edward, confused. His mouth was twisted in a humorless smirk.

"They don't believe that I'm really going to change you," he explained, annoyed.

"But you are," I said. "Aren't you?" A sick, panicked feeling started to build my stomach.

"Yes, Bella," Edward said with no hesitation, putting his arms around me. "I am." He looked at the rest of the family. "I am," he said again, more loudly.

There was a moment of silence.

Then Rosalie chuckled and nudged Emmett. "I told you," she murmured.

Emmett looked at Edward incredulously. "I'll be damned…"

"Really, Edward?" Esme asked, cautiously hopeful.

Alice was less reserved.

"If he doesn't, I will!" she squealed, rushing forward to catch me in a hard hug. "We're keeping Bella!" she sing-songed, swaying with me in her arms.

My eyes met Jasper's as I looked over Alice's shoulder. He was hunched forward slightly, his hands fisted at his sides. He looked at me for a moment with anguished eyes, then at Edward.

"Jasper," Edward said, beseechingly. "Brother, please-"

"I'm sorry, Bella," Jasper murmured, shaking his head, and quickly left the room.

Alice released me with an apologetic look and went after him.

I looked nervously to see Carlisle's reaction. He was looking down, his expression thoughtful.

"Carlisle?" I said, my voice small and uncertain. Something in me needed his acceptance, his welcome. The silence grew in tension as I mentally willed him to say something, anything.

Then he looked up at Edward and me and smiled radiantly. I sighed with relief.

Carlisle came closer to us, embraced me gently. "I can't tell you what it means to me that you've chosen us," he said quietly. He released me to embrace Edward, speaking too softly for me to hear most of it, but I thought I caught something that sounded like "Thank you."

When the two of them separated, I felt Edward's hand catch mine, squeezing it harder than was usual for him. Carlisle excused himself to make a phone call, and Esme followed him.

"What's wrong with Jasper?" I asked Edward when they'd gone.

He sighed, and his face became hard.

"He doesn't want me to be one of you," I said, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice and failing.

Edward's expression told me that I'd guessed correctly.

"It's not how you think," Emmett said, crossing the room to us with Rosalie. "I mean, he likes you."

I had always thought he did.

"Then why?" I asked.

Edward exchanged a dark look with his siblings.

"We'll talk about all of it soon, Bella," he said, his tone soothing. "Before you're changed, we'll talk about all of it."

I felt frustrated that, as usual, I had the least information of anyone in the room. I felt anxious about Jasper and his strange reaction, so different from the others. I felt uneasily aware of the phone call that was going on upstairs.

More than any of these things, though, I felt anticipation, bright and thrilling. Edward had repeated his forever promise, and the possibility that I had imagined that part of our conversation dwindled to nothing. Even better, he didn't seem reluctant or regretful, perhaps just a little solemn. I could live with solemn.

My world had turned a few degrees closer to goodness – my biggest 'if' was now a 'when.'

* * *

EPOV

The Quileutes agreed to our terms. I heard all of this in his mind and told the others who were waiting with Bella and me. The relief that filled me was immense. Bella was tired, and I only wanted to take her upstairs and hold her. First, though, I needed to find Jasper. I left Bella in the kitchen with Esme, who was preparing her dinner.

Jasper was in the woods, a few hundred yards from the house. Alice was with him, but heading toward me. She was furious.

We met each other just past the treeline. She stopped about a dozen yards away from me, her small frame shaking with her anger.

_How could you, Edward? How could you let him hide this? Everyone thought-_

"Not now, Alice," I said, gritting my teeth. "I need to talk to him."

"Do you have any idea what he has been going through?" she screamed.

"Yes, Alice!" I shouted. "I hear his thoughts. I know exactly what he has been thinking, feeling. I know what he is thinking of me right now." I slammed my fist into the wide trunk of the tree beside me, frustrated beyond bearing. The wood split, and the pine slowly leaned to one side with a low creak.

"Why, Edward?" she cried, sobbing. "Why would you do this? How could you make all of us believe that for all this time?"

I walked toward her.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I never meant to hurt him, or you."

Alice just shook her head.

"You _brother_, Edward. He's your brother," she said sadly.

She vanished an instant later, fleeing into the woods, away from me and Jasper.

I ran again, quickly closing the distance between my brother and me. He was perched on a low branch of a tree, staring down at me.

"She saw it, Edward," he said. "I don't know why it took her this long."

"I do," I said. "You only just decided you were going to talk about it."

He didn't answer.

"Jasper, I need you for this," I said.

"Nothing has changed, Edward," he said. "Have you forgotten what this will be for her? How she will suffer?" His face was twisted with anguish.

"I don't have any choice!" I cried. "It's not just about me, Jasper. My god, you saw her! Leaving did not save her. It never would have, and it never will."

"What about the people she will kill?" he asked harshly. "What about their families? Their husbands and wives?"

I was silent for a long moment.

"Bella is my mate," I said at last. It was the only truth that mattered.

He sighed and pressed his hands to his temples.

"I know," he said. "I can feel it."

"Then you have to understand. You would do this for Alice. You know you would."

"Of course I would," he said.

He leapt to the ground lightly.

"When?" he asked.

I paused.

"I'm not sure," I said after a moment. "I want to wait until her health is better, and we are somewhere safe."

He nodded. "There is a lot she needs to be told before this can happen, Edward. She has to know what is coming, what we will have to do to protect her when she's new." _I don't want to do this_, he added silently. _I don't know how I am going to do this again for anyone, especially Bella_.

"I wish I didn't have to ask it of you," I said. I hesitated before approaching him. I put a hand on his shoulder.

I looked into his eyes, seeing his hundreds of years of life reflected there wearily.

"Jasper, thank you, for what you tried to do for me," I said. "And I am sorry for what I must do now."

He looked away from me.

_I didn't do it for you, Edward_, he thought. _It was for her._

He didn't mean Bella.

"It would have broken Alice's heart," he whispered. "If you or I had…"

"I know," I said, pushing away the images his mind showed me. "But that isn't going to happen. I won't let it happen."

I wouldn't. I would die first.

Jasper and I suddenly sighed in unison.

"Carlisle," he said.

"How's his mood?" I asked.

_Better than Alice's, _he thought.

Not much better, judging from my father's thoughts. He'd spoken with Alice, but she wouldn't tell him why she was upset. He was frustrated with all of us, and at his limit with me.

The leaves on the trees around us rustled, and then Carlisle was standing there.

"Carlisle, this is not a good time," I said.

"No, it's not," he said, his voice carefully controlled. "Esme didn't want me to leave, and Bella is anxious without you. We all have to decide when we will travel again, and where. And yet, here I stand, forced to deal with some quarrel between you two. You will tell me what is going on, now."

Jasper and I exchanged guilty looks.

"It's not his fault," I finally said. "He's doing this for me, and for Bella."

"Doing what?" Carlisle asked.

I glanced at Jasper, who sighed and took over.

"You know the nature of my… gift," he said.

"Yes, of course," Carlisle said, impatient. "You're aware of our moods, and you can influence them. What does that have to do with this issue with Edward and Alice?"

"I'm aware of your thirst, too," he said quietly. "When it's bad, I can feel it as though it's my own."

Carlisle's brow furrowed; he didn't understand.

"It usually isn't a problem," Jasper continued. "We hunt regularly, and what I feel from the rest of you isn't really much different from what I feel on my own anyway. It wasn't even something I thought about very often, until Edward met Bella."

Carlisle's breath drew in sharply. "You could feel his thirst for her."

Jasper closed his eyes tightly. "You can't even imagine the strength of it," he said, his voice strained. "To expect him to be around her this way, every day, and not act on that… It is beyond my understanding how she is still alive."

"She's alive because I love her," I said. "The love is stronger than the thirst."

Jasper looked at me, a shadow resentment in his eyes. "For you," he said. "It's stronger for you."

Carlisle released a long sigh as he put the pieces together. "You experience Edward's thirst for Bella, but not the same love."

"Yes," Jasper said tightly. "It's almost like having my own singer." He took a deep breath, let it out. "I had nearly gotten used to it, was feeling stronger. And then, at her party last year…"

"I had waited too long to hunt," I said, not looking at either of them. "I was so used to the constant burn, and I forgot that Jasper would feel it that way. I forgot that it could be dangerous. When I saw her blood, smelled it, it nearly overpowered me."

"And it was simply too much for me," Jasper finished.

Carlisle looked at Jasper, shocked. "We all thought that you had just lost control," he said.

"No," I said. "It was my fault."

Jasper gave a short, bitter laugh. "Honestly, Carlisle. If I tried to kill every human being who pricked their finger, how long do you think I would have lasted in high school?"

"We just assumed…," Carlisle said, his voice heavy with regret. "We never even asked you."

"I should have told you all," I said. "I spoke to Jasper. I knew from his thoughts what had happened."

"Yes, you should have told us," Carlisle said angrily. "Why didn't you?"

"Jasper left with Alice so quickly, and I was already planning how the rest of us would go. There was nothing in my mind but that, and then I was gone myself."

"Jasper," Carlisle said. "You should have told us."

He shook his head. "I knew you would see it this way, as though my talent excuses what I did. Edward may have influenced me, but I am the one who control. Bella would have been just as dead as if it had been my own thirst driving me."

"Nonetheless, I am sorry, son." Carlisle moved closer to Jasper, laid a hand on his shoulder. Jasper nodded, not meeting his eyes.

Carlisle turned to me.

"This is something that I needed to know," he said. "If I had had any idea of how dangerous this situation was…" He shook his head. "You are going to have to turn her soon. This family will not recover if one of you harms her."

"I know that," I said. "Jasper and I were just discussing it."

Carlisle paced a few steps, his arms folded across his chest. He stopped a few yards from us, glanced back. "Jasper, you can go on back to the house. Alice is still very upset; you should talk with her. Please let your mother know we'll be back shortly."

Jasper looked at me, a little sympathetic, a little amused. _Good luck, Edward_, he thought as he disappeared into the trees.

Carlisle continued to pace. I forced myself to maintain a relaxed stance despite my certainty that I was about to be scolded by my father.

"You have always been different from the rest of us," he began, stopping to lean against a tree with one hand. "You've always been separate somehow, even when you were new. I thought for a long time that it was because you did not have a mate. But even now, with Bella here, you still hold yourself apart from the family. You still think that your choices, your future, is something separate from ours. It may be because of your gift, but I don't think that's all it is."

I remained silent, not yet seeing his point.

"Your mother worries about you, of course. Not as much since Bella came along, but she still does. She doesn't know what we did wrong, or how we could have done better. She doesn't know how we could have taught you to trust us."

"I do trust you, Carlisle," I said, irritated. "This has nothing to do with that."

"You do not ask for help, even when you need it. You make decisions that affect us all, and you do not include the family. Worst of all, you have been lying to us. This behavior is hurting everyone, including you and Bella."

His words stung like acid.

"I am sorry for that," I said. "I believed it was for the best."

"That isn't your judgment to make, Edward," he said, watching me with hard eyes. "You are a part of a family, and it was my understanding that I was still the head of that family. If these two things are still true, I expect you to behave as though you know it."

I met his eyes, nodded once.

"I'm sorry, Father," I said.

He clapped me in a hard embrace a moment later.

"I know you are, Edward," he said. "We want to help you, please try to let us. We do this together, alright?"

I nodded again. There wouldn't be any choice, this time. The path Bella and I would be traveling down would be new and perilous. I would need all of them if I was going to see her through safely.

"Yes," I agreed. "We do this together."

He released me and clapped a hand to my shoulder.

"Let's go," he said, an amused glint in his eye. "I think that Bella was hoping you would return quickly."

I sampled his thoughts briefly, and groaned. I shot away through the trees, as much to escape Carlisle's speculation on my relationship with Bella as to return to her.

I was almost to the yard, prepared to slow down, when I heard two things coming from my room.

Music – Debussy, and the liquid sound of bathwater being gently disturbed.

I nearly stumbled, but I did not slow down.


	14. Chapter 14

BPOV

The salad Esme served me was arranged like a piece of edible art. It accompanied beef medallions, rice pilaf, golden mushroom soup, and homemade bread.

"This is unbelievable," I gushed as I sampled everything. "I could almost stay human just for your cooking, Esme."

She beamed as she took a seat across the table from me.

"Thank you, Bella," she said. "It's nice to have the chance to take care of you this way. My other kids don't need much from me."

"Come on, Esme," Emmett said from the living room, where a football game was on television. "We need you."

"Seriously," Rosalie added. "It would be total anarchy around here without someone to keep the guys in line."

"They have a point," I said, nodding. "And it's actually pretty impressive that you can be a parental authority to five vampires."

She waved her hand dismissively. "It's nothing. I wish there were more I could do for them. Edward, for example…" She paused, considering. "Well, there are just some things parents can't fix."

"No one can fix Edward," Rosalie said with a laugh.

"I'll bet Bella does," Emmett said. "Give them a few real nights together, and-"

"Emmett!" Esme chided. "I don't think Edward would appreciate that."

My face burned, and I stirred at my soup with more concentration than necessary.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Esme said. "Our family hasn't had to be sensitive to a new relationship in quite a while. I'm sure that everyone will remember their manners soon, though."

"It's okay," I said. "I want to hear what you all really think."

"No, you don't," Rosalie piped in.

"Yeah, I really do," I said. "I'd rather know about the problems going on than just wait around to see what's going to happen to me."

"What do you mean, Bella?" Esme asked, concerned.

I shifted in my chair nervously.

"Well, like last fall, you guys could have talked to me. We might have been able to figure something out."

Esme sighed. "Edward was so determined, Bella. I don't think anything could have changed his mind."

"Still," I said. "I should have had the chance to try. Maybe I couldn't have changed his mind, but I might have been able to change yours."

Esme reached across the table and squeezed my hand. "You're right. We definitely did that wrong," she said. "I'm very sorry."

I squeezed back. "I'm not upset with any of you about that," I said. "It just feels like no one expects me to be able to help with anything. Just because I can't run a hundred miles an hour doesn't mean I don't have anything to contribute."

"This is really bothering you," Esme said, tilting her head.

"Well, yeah," I said. "It's really frustrating."

"We're just trying to take care of you, Bella," she said, her brow furrowed. "It's the least we can do now."

"I understand that," I said. "But… I worked really hard while you were gone to take care of myself. And I did take care of myself. I know that I'm a little worse for wear, but I survived, and I'm stronger now. That should count for something."

Esme nodded thoughtfully. "You're not the girl we left behind anymore, are you?" she said, a little sadly.

I shook my head. "I'm really not. I hope you guys can like who I am now, though."

"Well, I like who you are now a lot better," Rosalie said, coming in from the living room. "The old Bella annoyed the hell out of me."

"Rose!" Esme gasped.

I laughed. "Thanks, Rosalie," I said. I meant it. I couldn't forget the irony of it, but it was nice that at least one Cullen noticed and approved of how I'd grown up.

"Seriously," Rosalie said. "I think the look on Edward's face in the office alone was worth having to move twice."

I felt my face color with embarrassment. "I'm sorry about that," I said. "I shouldn't have lost my temper that way. Jake has been a friend to me, though. I owe him so much. I can't take it when you guys talk badly about him and the other wolves."

"Well, you're not going to change that by tomorrow," Rosalie said. "Vampires and werewolves are oil and water. It's not a judgment; it's instinct. We're born hating them, and they're born hating us. Trying to make either side forget that is going to be pretty frustrating for you."

"I'm figuring that out," I said. "But I have to try. I can't hate either of you."

I ate in silence for a few minutes. Rosalie sat down beside Esme.

"So, are you and Edward going to have sex now?" Rosalie asked.

I started choking on my soup. Esme patted my back helpfully.

"Um, what?" I asked.

"Rose," Esme said. "That's between Edward and Bella." Despite her words, though, she watched my face with interest. "I'm sure she will ask us if she has any questions; right Bella?" She smiled sweetly at me.

"Well, um, wow," I said, still reeling. "I guess I just…" The two women leaned in expectantly. "I've kind of left it up to Edward. I mean, he's the one who knows about vampires and, um, that sort of thing." I looked away from them, pretending to be suddenly very interested in my salad. I speared a cherry tomato, noting that it was probably the exact shade of red as my face.

"You think that Edward knows what he's doing?" Rosalie said with snort. "I would guess that he has about exactly as much experience as you do."

I dropped my fork.

"_No_…," I said, my eyes wide. "I mean, he's, like, a hundred years old. He has to have met other women and, well…"

They both shook their heads at me.

"Edward takes these things very seriously," Esme said. "He wouldn't rush into something intimate, and he hasn't met anyone he's connected with like you."

"So you're saying that we're both, um…" I couldn't get the word out.

"Virgins!" Emmett supplied loudly from the living room.

Rosalie nodded. "Totally."

"He never told me," I said, leaning back in my chair. "I knew he hadn't been in a relationship with anyone, but… wow."

"Yeah, you're both clueless," Rosalie said, grinning. "So if you're waiting for him to show you the way, you're going to be waiting a loooong time."

The thought depressed me.

"I know that he was worried about…" I glanced at Esme, unsure of how much I wanted to share with Edward's mother. "He was worried about how much stronger he is than me," I finished.

"Oh, sweetie," Esme said, patting my hand. "He'll have to be careful with you, of course, but that shouldn't be problem for him. He plays the piano without breaking the keys, and he can write with a pencil without tearing the paper. I don't see why he can't use the same care with your lovemaking."

God, did she have to use that word?

"He seemed to think that it could be bad if he, uh, lost control with me," I said carefully. They seemed so unconcerned about the issue. Was it possible that Edward was overstating the danger? Was it possible that, well, _it_ was possible?

"It could be, but I don't know how likely that is," Rosalie said thoughtfully. "Has he hurt you before? You know, when he's held you, or kissed you?"

"No," I said. "Never." Edward was never less than gentle with me. His touch never felt anything but perfect.

"Hmm," she said. "What do you think, Emmett?" she called. He walked into the room, looking at me appraisingly. I nearly crawled under the table.

"It's okay, guys," I said quickly. "We don't need to talk about-"

"I think that if he was gonna crush her, he would have already," Emmett said sagely. "I think Edward's just being Edward; you know, overthinking this."

"Overthinking what?" Carlisle said as he breezed in.

"Nothing," I said immediately, hiding my face in my hands.

"Edward is afraid he'll hurt Bella if they have intercourse," Esme said with a smile.

Oh, god. Esme just said 'intercourse.' I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself in a happier place, like the dentist's chair.

"Ah," Carlisle said, nodding and furrowing his brow. "Well, I don't know that I would entirely dismiss his concern. There is certainly some danger inherent in that, uh, scenario. You two should be cautious in the beginning."

"Yeah," Rosalie said. "But Edward won't even try."

"Yeah," Emmett agreed. "I'd bet that even if they can't go all the way, they can at least let off some steam together."

"Hm," Carlisle said, nodding thoughtfully. "Perhaps I can talk with him, suggest some methods—"

"No!" I cried, jumping up. I cleared my throat, took a deep breath. "Thank you," I said a little less loudly. "But that's not necessary." I imagined Edward's face when Carlisle approached him to discuss methods. It looked a lot like I was guessing mine looked now. "Please don't talk to him about this," I begged. "He's stressed out enough right now."

"Well, Bella, he might not be so quite so stressed if you two had some _quality time_," Rosalie said with a knowing smile.

"Plus, you guys had a fight," Emmett added. "Right after a fight is one of the best times."

Rosalie murmured her agreement, and stood on tiptoes to kiss him thoroughly.

"Don't worry, Bella," Esme said, patting my hand reassuringly. "I'm sure you and Edward will find the forms of intimacy that work best for you."

Lovemaking, intercourse, and now intimacy. If I stayed down here any longer, Esme was going to ruin the entire English language for me.

I tried to smile through the pain. "Yeah, we'll be fine," I said. "Um, I don't think I can eat any more. I'm going to go get ready for bed."

"I'll bet," Rosalie said around Emmett's mouth. "I'm telling you, Bella. Take control. He's not going to get past all of his Victorian gentleman crap if you keep acting like you've never heard the word 'sex' before."

"Right, thanks!" I called over my shoulder and sprinted for the stairs.

Safely in Edward's room, I sat down on his bed. I let my head fall forward into my hands, and I took some deep breaths. The conversation downstairs had been uncomfortable, and a little too close to my current state of mind to be entirely coincidental. Then, of course, they had all heard us in the garage. The fact was that I did want Edward, and in a full body, very un-Victorian way. I wanted him the same way I had wanted him since the first time he had touched me. The only thing that had changed was my willingness to push that wanting aside. All of the chivalry and care that had been a part of our relationship before didn't seem to make sense anymore, not after he and I had both survived our own personal end of the world.

Emmett was right: if Edward had been going to crush me, he already would have. If him leaving didn't kill me, there was no way him loving me would.

Part of me was intoning warnings to be patient, that pressing Edward this way would only make him more reluctant and afraid. A louder part of me was telling that first part to just shut up already. I had done patient; there had been a time when that was the right thing. And there had been a longer period of time where I had stayed patient because I was afraid of pushing him too far, or scaring him away. I had behaved myself believing that, if I did, he would stay with me, and eventually, our relationship would move forward. Well, we hadn't moved forward, and he hadn't stayed. The value of good behavior was definitely being called into question.

And, holy crow, did I really just find out from Edward's mom and his sister that he was a virgin? He had known that about me for ages, and had never volunteered his own history. I had always assumed he was sparing me the knowledge of a long line of supernaturally gorgeous women who had come before me, so I hadn't asked. What he had actually been keeping from me was something that would have gone a long way toward making me feel less alone in my fumbling sexual cluelessness. Not that I could imagine Edward fumbling. He was always so graceful, so sure. I'd bet those hands…

I released another long, shuddering breath.

A shower. I needed a shower, a long cold one. Or better yet, a nice hot bath, something to relax the tension from my muscles. I went into the bathroom and turned on the tap. Steaming water began to fill the tub.

I wandered around Edward's room while I waited, touching his CD's, his books. I looked at the photographs on his dresser. As I reached to pick one up of him and Alice, I accidentally knocked some papers off of the corner of the dresser and onto the floor. Gathering them up, I noticed that a lower drawer was open part of the way. Something shiny flashed inside, and I pulled the drawer open further.

And then I dropped all of the papers again.

The drawer was full of CD's in clear plastic cases, the kind you use for CDs you've burned at home. I shuffled through the piles and found that they all had the same title written on them with black marker. The word written on them was my name. He had made me mixed CD's, dozens of them.

I slowly sank to the floor and sat down. One of the 'Bella' CDs was still in my hand. It had a date written on it along with my name; a quick look at the others in the drawer told me that the dates were all different. The meaning of this stunned me, flattered me, and ultimately seduced me in a way Edward would have found shocking. Suddenly, he wasn't a vampire, and I wasn't a mentally disturbed teenage runaway. We were just two young people, stealing kisses by the car and burning compilations of love songs. Those simple things just happened for us, came as naturally as they did to every other pair falling in love for the first time. A smile slowly spread over my face.

"Take control, Bella," I whispered to myself, and began to undress.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: _You need to go listen to Ben Fold's "The Luckiest" before reading this chapter. The prose won't flow right through this section if you aren't familiar with the song. Seriously. Don't leave me a cranky review because you didn't follow my instructions, yo._

* * *

EPOV

I was at the door to the room when I heard the song change and froze. The gentle piano introduction gave way to the first lyrics.

_I don't get many things right the first time__  
__In fact, I am told that a lot_

She wasn't playing the Debussy CD.

I groaned and leaned against the wall. I knew of only one CD I owned that contained "Claire de Lune" followed by Ben Fold's "The Luckiest." It was one of the dozens in a dresser drawer, all of them labeled in black marker with the word 'Bella' and a date. The one playing now was April 14th, 2006.

_Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls__  
__Brought me here_

I took a deep breath, opened the door.

_And where was I before the day__  
__That I first saw your lovely face?__  
__Now I see it everyday__  
__And I know_

The bathroom door was open. I could smell the steamy bath water, and, of course, I could smell her. The bed was covered in 'Bella' CD's. I walked to it and picked up a few, looking at the dates and remembering the moments that had driven me to make the compilations.

Bella, asleep in her bed, dawn's light just starting to threaten.

_That I am_

Bella, laughing and kicking water from a puddle at me in the school parking lot.

_I am _

Bella, opening her eyes in the hospital in Phoenix.

_I am… the luckiest._

The bathwater swished.

"Edward?"

"I'm here, Bella," I answered, my eyes on the rectangle of bathroom I could see through the open door from where I stood. The bathtub was not a part of that rectangle.

"Good," she said, and the water moved again. I imagined her settling back against the back of the tub, her hair half-submerged, the water sliding over his skin.

"Do you need me to get you more clothes from Esme?" I asked, knowing she didn't. Alice had managed to get to the store while Bella had napped during the afternoon. I wasn't sure what to do next, though, so I opted for asking unnecessary questions.

"No," she said. "Alice got some stuff. I don't think she left you much of your closet for your own things."

_It's your closet, too_, I wanted to say.

"I'm not worried about it," I said instead.

I sat on the side of the bed, my eyes locked to that rectangle of the other room. White tile. A circle of mirror over the sink. The sound of her breathing, water running over her arms, the whisper of a sponge's friction on her skin.

And the song played on:

_What if I'd been born fifty years before you__  
__In a house on a street where you lived?__  
__Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike__  
__Would I know?_

"I like your music," she said, sounding shy. "I hope you don't mind."

It wasn't my music. It was hers.

"Thank you," I said. "And of course I don't mind."

_And in a white sea of eyes__  
__I see one pair that I recognize__  
__And I know_

There was a sudden sloshing sound, and a little frustrated sigh.

"Edward, would you just come in here?" she said.

I didn't hesitate, but I didn't hurry. A moment later my fingertips touched the wood of the door.

White tile, the mirror, a curve of porcelain.

_That I am_

Dark waves of chestnut brown, slicked back from skin like milk.

_I am_

Her eyes, liquid, and so much love there I stopped breathing.

_I am_

"Hi," she said softly. Her head rested against the edge of the tub.

_The luckiest._

I tried to reply, but my 'hi' came out as nothing more than a soft exhalation.

"You… don't like bubbles?" I finally managed, clearing my throat.

She blushed as red and I would have if I could.

"I just wanted the hot water," she said, tucking her chin down into the water. She wrung a sea sponge out in her hands. I watched in fascination as the water traveled over the knuckles of her hands to her delicate wrists, and further to where her elbows disappeared into the water.. She put the sponge on a shelf beside the tub, and reached for a bottle of shampoo.

"Bella," I said quickly. It was only when I felt the heat of her hand in mine that I realized I had moved. I stopped her hand from moving toward the shampoo and picked up the bottle myself. "May I?" I asked.

She nodded mutely, her eyes wide.

I knelt on the floor next to the tub, forcing myself not to look below the surface of the water. It didn't matter; the image was already in my mind, a flash of skin, pale and pink, rippling under the surface. I opened the bottle and poured a little shampoo into my hands, spreading it over my palms.

Bella sat up a little stiffly, waiting for me to touch her. My hands shook as I brought them to her hair.

I started at her hairline, moving my fingers along her forehead and temples. She closed her eyes and drew her breath in sharply at the contact. Her shoulder sagged back as I began to massage her scalp, working the shampoo into her hair slowly. The sensation of the wet strands around my fingers was far more erotic than it should have been, and I felt my body responding.

My family's thoughts had replayed bits of a conversation between them and Bella that I had no regrets about missing. I was sympathetic to Bella's embarrassment, as I was to her barely concealed frustration. She wanted more between us than the chaste touches and occasional flares of passion that had come to define our physical relationship. I had felt it in her when she had awoken in my arms during the night, and I had seen it in her eyes when I had parked the car earlier. There was a determination there that was completely new; it seemed that Bella was going to ask for more than I'd dared to give her before. For the first time, I wasn't sure I would be able to tell her 'no.' Fear swelled within me, threatening to overtake desire.

Already my control over this area of our interaction was slipping. Right now, for example. I shouldn't be in here; I shouldn't see her this way. I certainly shouldn't be massaging her scalp, feeling the glory of her hair between my fingers. I shouldn't be watching her eyes close and her lips part, letting that expression of pleasure set my imagination to spinning. Yes, definitely not appropriate. I should have run back into the woods, not closer to the temptation of her skin and scent.

She had called to me, though, drawn me in. When Bella wanted me with her, there was no other place I could exist. When my gravity pulled, there was nothing for me but to obey.

I was surrounded by a sense that she and I had been set upon a path together, and that path would lead us inexorably to be together in every way. I was still afraid, though, so afraid. That feeling of predestination made everything I had attempted to do or control in order to protect her seem feeble, irrelevant. I felt powerless.

"Bella," I said, my voice a little rough. "I don't know if-"

"Edward," she said, cutting me off but not opening her eyes. "Don't. We're alive, and we're together. Neither of us thought that would ever happen again. We are not going to ruin it, and we are not going to waste it."

I slid my fingers over the back of her head. She tilted it back, following my hands, baring her long, white neck. Without planning to, I moved a hand from her hair, cupping her head in the other. I ran one slick finger from her chin downwards to the hollow of her throat, lower. I stopped, my hand shaking, when I reached her sternum.

"I don't want to ruin it," I breathed. "I can't hurt you, though, Bella. After… When I thought…" The words cut off with a choked sound as I remembered the pictures my mind had created when I had believed Bella dead. I cried softly as I worked the shampoo down toward the ends of her hair.

She turned to me and fixed me in a gaze that was gentle. "I know, Edward," she said. "Don't think that far. Just… be here. We don't have to do anything, and we don't have to not do anything, okay? We can just love each other, whatever that means for us. It can mean anything we want it to."

God, I wanted to believe her. She had said that she wished she could see the world as I do. Now I found myself wishing that I could see us through her eyes, feel only passion, no fear. She saw union between us, not damnation or death. I wished I could see it.

"You… You'll have to show me, Bella," I whispered.

Her eyes flashed uncertainty, and her skin flushed pink, pinker.

"Okay," she said. "Just… try not to be afraid."

I gave a small smile but couldn't bring myself to answer. I would follow her wherever she led me, but leaving my fear behind was impossible.

I cupped water in my hands and poured it over the nape of her neck. She shifted in the tub, sinking lower to help me. Her hair floated over my hands as she arched back to rinse it, and the front of her body broke the surface. I gasped.

She continued to move her head in my hands, letting the last of the shampoo rinse away. The red blush that covered her from her hairline to her chest was the only indication that she was aware of her nudity or my reaction.

"Your hair is finished," I said, reluctantly pulling my hands away. She sat up in the tub and murmured her thanks.

I picked up a towel from the chair behind me and opened it as I stood. Bella paused for just a moment before standing. Water ran down her curves, caressing her everywhere. My eyes followed shamelessly, and for a moment, I simply couldn't move.

I had imagined Bella naked before. Of course I had. She had lain in my arms for so many long nights, her warm shape pressed against me, and sooner or later (more often sooner) my thoughts would wander to images like this one. And yet, those fantasies were nothing like this. My mind hadn't come close to doing justice to her perfection.

I was staring. I knew that I was staring, and that my mouth was hanging open. My breathing increased its pace, and it almost felt as though I needed to get more air into my lungs.

Bella's eyes never left mine, despite the embarrassment in her expression. She studied my face intently, seeming as hungry for my reaction as I was for the sight of her.

It was only when Bella shivered that I found I could move again. I took her hand and helped her from the tub, wrapping her in the towel, and then in my arms. I pulled her body against mine tightly and stared down at her.

How could I tell her, explain that I was holding everything, my entire existence, when I held her? How could I make her understand the fear in knowing that my world and everything in it could break as easily as an eggshell in my hands? I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled her closer, tucking her head under my chin. I couldn't do this, I just couldn't...

And then she spoke.

"I'm not afraid," she whispered. "I know you are, but I'm not." She pressed her lips to the base of my throat. "I can be not afraid for both of us, Edward," she said against my skin. "Please, please trust me…"

I had nothing left with which to fight. All of my 'no's, all of my patience, all of my reasons… They were just gone, and I kissed her with everything that was left. I kissed her with the hunger that I had ignored for countless nights in the darkness of her bedroom. I kissed her with the relief and gratitude that had flooded me when she had flown into my arms in Volterra. I kissed her with the guilty knowledge that I would never see her as anything but mine – completely, eternally, only mine. I kissed her, and I prayed selfishly that I would not be able to stop this time.

And then she shivered again. I drew back immediately.

"No," she whimpered, pulling at my hair.

"You're cold," I said, steering her toward the bedroom. She walked with me reluctantly, her legs shaking.

I was struggling to accept that I would need to give her space to warm up when the bed came into view. I had apparently been more distracted in the bathroom than I'd realized. Alice had managed to slip in and out without my notice, leaving a gift behind for us – an electric blanket. The CDs were gone, and the blanket was plugged into the wall and spread over the bed.

I laughed.

Bella groaned.

"Is it really not enough that they can hear everything we say and do?" she asked, pressing her face against my shoulder. "Does Alice really have to get previews?"

I kissed her hair. "Normally, I would feel exactly the same way," I said. "Tonight, though, I don't know how I could have survived not touching you."

I pulled her against me for another hard, brief kiss, lifting her off her feet.

"You're right," she said breathlessly as I swept her into my arms and carried her to the bed. "I'll never complain about your nosy family again. I'll even send Alice flowers in the morning." She laughed, and the sound was the sweetest music I would ever find.

Bella's joy and excitement was contagious. I felt high as I set her on her feet and gently unwrapped the towel from around her.

Again, the sight of her sent a shock of desire through me. I took a quick step back.

"You had better get under the blankets now," I said, my voice strained. "Or I'll never let you get warm."

Despite her blush, she wore a mischievous smile and took her time getting into bed. Every movement of her body revealed a new angle or aspect of her to me, and I struggled to keep from reaching for her immediately as I drank in the sight of her. The creamy skin of her inner thigh. The curve that followed her rib cage to her waist to her hip. The shifting planes of her bare back. The rounded flesh of her bottom.

She may have been chilly, but I was about to combust.

I forced myself to remain still for several moments, breathing slowly. My god, her scent…

"Edward."

Her voice carried the most fervent of pleas coupled with the gentlest of commands. My hands moved with a will of their own, and soon my clothes joined her damp towel on the floor.

I stood beside the bed, naked, watching Bella's face as she studied me. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life. Her eyes traveled over me, everywhere. She saw my body's reaction to her, the evidence of my desire. Her expression was fascinated, hungry, and adoring. I watched her carefully, looking for any hint of fear or revulsion. There was none.

"Edward," she said again in a throaty whisper, reaching for me. "Please."

It was utterly surreal. The most beautiful woman on earth was in my bed, begging me to join her, to touch her, to love her. She was all things holy and good, and she was inviting me in. My mind was reeling, but my body could only obey her. I slid beneath the blankets and moved close to her.

Perhaps there would have been more hesitation if we had come together in another time, another situation. Perhaps I would have spent hours tracing her skin with my hands and lips; perhaps I would have whispered to her the poetry of what she was to me, what she did to me. This, however, was not a night for poetry and patience. Desire had grown unheeded between us for too long, until it transformed into a drive bigger than need, a swift current against which we couldn't hope to swim. There was only one choice left, and Bella and I made it without thought, clinging to one another as we were swept away into deeper waters.

Bella reached for me at once, her fingers sliding into my hair as she pulled me in for a kiss. Her fingernails scraped lightly against my scalp, making me tingle everywhere. The entire length of her body pressed against mine, and I gasped as I caught her in my arms, holding her to me tightly. I held her small waist in my hands, gripping her helplessly as her mouth devoured mine. Her hips rocked ever so slightly against mine, and I groaned, sliding my palms over her back, lower. I cupped her bottom in my hands and pulled her against me. She gave a little cry and broke away from our kiss, gasping for breath.

I brought one hand to her hair, lacing my fingers into the soft, wet mass of it. I fisted that hand so I could pull her head back, baring her throat to me. Her eyelids fluttered, and her breath came in short pants as I lowered my mouth to the pale flesh of her neck. My lips found the hollow beneath her jaw, the silky patch of skin behind her ear, the curve of muscle at the top of her shoulder. I brushed her skin with my lips and tongue, tasting her sweat, smelling her blood. She writhed against me urgently, her voice in my ear sounding like a prayer without words.

Her hands left their place in my hair, sliding over my shoulders and chest. Her fingernails scored my skin lightly, sending a shudder through my body. With a quick movement, I shifted out position, rolling her beneath me. I gave her none of my weight, but deliberately pressed my hips against her. I was almost unbearably hard, and the soft heat of her belly made me tremble. I needed to be closer to her; I needed more. Supporting myself on one elbow, I ran the other hand down her side, over her hip and leg. I caught the back of her knee and pulled her leg up, over my hip.

She was suddenly open to me, pressed to me, hot and wet. I closed my eyes tightly and held myself still, trying desperately to find some thought, some control, some will in me to do anything but plunge forward.

Bella caught my face in her tiny hands, feathering kisses over my lips, my cheeks, my eyes.

"Please, Edward," she whispered, our foreheads touching, her lips brushing mine as she spoke. "Don't leave me…"

My eyes flew open and locked to hers. I saw the lust there that mirrored my own, the need that she would not hide from me. And I saw the fear that she couldn't hide.

And I knew.

I knew that I could stop now, if I chose to. It would feel like tearing off my own limbs, but I could pull away gently, reposition her more decently against me, and ultimately soothe her to sleep. And if I did that, if I yielded to my fear instead of yielding to her, that fear would win forever after. This moment was a miracle, a chance to borrow her courage, add it to my own, and follow our shared faith into a shared future. And somehow, I knew that it was the last such chance I would be given. If I turned away from us again, the doubt in her eyes would begin to shadow over the joy. The guilt and worry in me would grow in strength and take control, overruling my instinct to love her, to touch her, to celebrate her. We would go on together, but would only know a shadow of what we could have, what we were meant to know.

In the space of a single beat of her heart, I saw two futures before us: one in which I sheltered and adored Bella like a doll in a glass case, and one where I broke the glass and closed the distance between us, hurting her and loving her in the same action. My heart broke at the thought of her pain, and at the knowledge that this choice, this responsibility, was mine alone. I couldn't afford to make a mistake, not now, not with this. The decision was bigger than my lust grappling with my need to protect her: it was the choice between what was safe and what was right.

And, my god, if anything had ever been right, this was it. I breathed her scent, listened to her heart pound, touched her fevered skin. And I knew.

"Never," I growled. "I will never leave you, Bella. _You are mine_." I kissed her, consumed her. She shook beneath me, and I saw her face was wet with tears when I pulled back. The look in her eyes was both desperately hopeful and completely terrified. Her eyelids fluttered, and she started to look away from me.

I caught her face in my hand.

"Look at me, Bella," I said roughly. Her eyes met mine, shining with love. She was triumphant even as she surrendered herself. This was a current against which we could not swim. And so I held her while we sank, together.

Her breath drew in sharply as I slowly pressed into her. Her tears flowed almost silently as I entered her, and I cried with her. I cried for the pain I knew I was causing her, obvious from the tension in her body and face. I cried for my own fears, made only larger by my total refusal to heed them. And I cried for the life that Bella would never return to, because I knew now that there was no question. She was mine, and would be mine until I was ash.

A sob broke free from her as our bodies joined fully at last. I held myself still above her, wanting to apologize but unable to lie to her. No, I couldn't be sorry for this, for finally finding a way to be as close to her as I needed to be.

"Bella, Bella…," I whispered, stroking her hair. "So beautiful, so incredibly beautiful…" I babbled on and on, unable to find words for what I was feeling, what I wanted to tell her.

Her eyes opened slowly as the initial shock of pain faded. She stared at me incredulously, a stunned smile slowly spreading over her face. Her lips moved as if to speak, but no words came. She touched my face, my lips, with trembling fingers, as if to feel that I was really there.

"Bella, I…," I began, struggling to speak. I felt as though I were drowning in her, and I didn't want to surface again, ever. "Am I… Are you okay?" I finally managed to ask.

She laughed, her eyes still wet with tears. "Yes, Edward," she said, pulling me in, kissing me tenderly. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you…"

I wanted to tell her to stop, not to thank me after she had just given me everything. I kissed her instead, stopping her words. She arched against me, and I gasped.

"Bella…," I said thickly, fighting to keep from moving in her.

"It's okay," she murmured, comforting me and making me crazy at once. She ran her lips along my jaw, then lower to my neck, sucking lightly. Her hands ran aimlessly over my neck, my shoulders, my back. When her hips nudged against mine, I knew that my fight was lost.

I moved slowly at first, clutching handfuls of the bed linens, feeling the fabric tear in my hands. Bella moaned beneath me, clinging to my shoulders. The sounds she made inflamed me nearly beyond reason, and I prayed that I would not hurt her as I moved more quickly and forcefully. I prayed, and I hoped, because I could not stop.

Bella's moans had become short, whimpering gasps. Her fingernails dug into my shoulders, and her head fell back against the tattered sheets. Her body was clenching around me, her muscles tensed and shaking.

"Please," she cried. "God, _Edward_, oh, please…"

_Anything; you know I'll give you anything_, I wanted to say, but couldn't, because just then the entire world exploded around me, shattered into a thousand glittering pieces. There was nothing but the countless points of light flashing behind my eyes, and the sound of Bella's voice, crying out my name again and again. I buried my face in her neck and wept her name, letting the sound of her pulse pounding in my ears tell me that I had not destroyed her, that when the pieces of the world came back together, she would still be in it.

A moment later, I rolled her with me so I was on my back with her lying on top of me. I held her against me, my hands moving over her back, her legs, searching for injuries.

"Bella," I said anxiously as soon as I was capable of speech. "Did I hurt you?" I could smell her blood now, and my panic began to build. I held her face between my hands, looking for any sign of pain.

Bella only smiled at me indulgently, her eyes heavy-lidded. "Shhhh…," she whispered, stroking my cheek. "It's okay. We're both okay." She laid her head against my chest and sighed with contentment.

I laid my head back, letting her peace find me, soothe my fear, make it small. Relief, and then euphoria washed over me as the reality of the situation took hold.

Bella and I had made love, and I had not destroyed her.

I smiled into the darkness of the room, tracing lazy circles on her back with my fingers.

I would need to move her soon. I would examine every inch of her, see with my eyes that she wasn't broken. And I would have to wash her blood from our bodies and change the sheets. Thirst had run a distant second to my sexual desire for her during our encounter, but I didn't trust the predator in me not to rise up and profane this moment. And that, I would not allow.

I thought I had loved her before. I thought I had known what it was to feel protective, possessive of her. How could I have known how much more there was? This love was depthless, infinite, and growing with each passing second. Bella was in my skin, my lungs, every cell in my body. Even more, it felt as though my presence lingered on her, every part of her. The hesitation was gone as my hands caressed her skin. She was mine, and I was hers. Touching her, even intimately, could never be anything but natural. The knowledge of this made me want to laugh with joy, and weep for having denied us this for so long.

Bella seemed to understand where my thoughts had led me.

"I told you so," she said, laughing softly.


	16. Chapter 16

BPOV

My body hummed, thrummed, floated, and sang. My skin tingled in the most delicious way, and every light stroke of his hands made me shiver and purr. I held him in every way that I could, draped over him, our bodies still joined.

"Are you hurting, Bella?" he asked for the hundredth time. "Where do you hurt? How badly?" I felt him start to withdraw from me, and I growled in protest.

"Not yet," I murmurmed. "And I told you that I'm fine."

"Bella…," he sighed, gently pulling out of me. I whimpered a little at the sensation, and he tensed. "That hurt. You have to tell me what hurts."

He rolled to the side, carefully laying me on my back.

"I feel good, Edward," I protested. "A lot better than good, actually. That was… the most perfect thing, so much more… _more_… than I'd even imagined. I feel so good." I stumbled over the words, wanting to make him understand this pulsing happiness I was floating in. There didn't seem to be words for it, though, and my brain didn't seem to be running at full efficiency.

I was smiling so hard it was almost painful, and I honestly could not stop. I gave a little helpless laugh. Hurt? No. I wasn't feeling very eloquent, but other than that I was much better than fine or good or great, and thank you very much for asking. I fought back more giggles.

Edward leaned over me, stroking my hair back from my face. He looked at me as though he had never seen me before, as though he were trying to understand something profound.

"What?" I breathed.

"It's just… very hard to believe." He shook his head. "A few days ago I thought I would never see you again, and now…" His voice broke. "I truly never dreamed I could be this happy, Bella." He brushed his lips against mine. "Never."

I tried to speak, to tell him that I knew just exactly how he felt, but tears choked my words. I kissed him instead. When I tried to make our kiss deeper, he pulled back gently.

"I need to check you, Bella," he said, gravel in his voice.

"Check me?" I repeated, not understanding.

"Examine you. I have to make certain you're not injured."

I started to laugh, but stopped when I saw he was completely serious.

"Don't be ridiculous, Edward. You didn't hurt me," I objected, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Kiss me," I whispered against his skin. "_Touch _me."

He drew a sharp breath, and his hand circled around my back, pressing me closer. I kissed him triumphantly, thrilled that I could affect him this way. When I snaked one of my legs up and around his waist, he shuddered, froze, and slowly pushed me back, his expression pained.

"Please, Bella," he groaned. "I need to do this. Humor me."

I wanted to argue more, but I saw the genuine worry that wrinkled his brow and knew he needed this. His fears wouldn't let him rest until he saw with his eyes that I was unharmed.

"Alright," I agreed, laying back with a smile and a sigh. "You may proceed, inspector."

He smiled gratefully and kissed my forehead.

He sat back and pulled the blankets down. Initially, his attention made me self-conscious, but my embarrassment receded when I saw his face. The expression there was calm, loving, and utterly possessive. His hands followed his eyes in their path down my body, and there was no reluctance in his manner or his touch. It was such a change, such powerful proof of the threshold we had just crossed together. It made me want him again, badly.

Pausing at my ribs and hips, he pressed against a couple of places gently, and I winced a little.

"You're going to have a few bruises," he said, a note of tension barely detectable in his voice. His eyes met mine, apologetic. "I held you more tightly than I should have. I am sorry."

"It didn't hurt," I argued quickly, terrified that guilt and self-loathing would eclipse our happiness, steal Edward's new boldness. "I mean, your hands on me – they… felt good, not too tight, just really good." I blushed at the understatement.

He attempted a smile. "Thank you, for that," he said. "I should have been more careful, though. I'll know next time."

I was certain I hadn't heard him correctly, and I waited for him to continue apologizing, to explain why we couldn't have this anymore. He didn't though. Instead, he continued his exploration of my body, his fingers stroking lightly over my knees and calves.

"Then you're really not going to totally freak out and overreact?" I asked, a little warily.

His hands paused. "No," he said, sounding as though he were surprised as well. "I'm not."

"You're going to be with me again, like that?" Excitement crept into my voice.

He chuckled, gazing at me tenderly. "Yes, Bella, if you still want me. I don't think I could ever deny you again, even if I wanted to." He held my foot in his hand, bending to press a kiss to the instep. "And I really, really don't want to," he murmured.

I made a little 'oh' sound, his touch doing nothing for my verbal skills. I smiled at the ceiling like an idiot while he finished his exam, finding no further damage.

He got up and went into the bathroom without stopping to dress, and the brief display just about stopped my heart. It just wasn't possible; no one was this beautiful. I rolled my eyes back up to the ceiling, sighing happily.

This was so much better than I could have hoped. I had wanted Edward, and had needed to feel that he wanted me too, but I didn't think sex would really change anything in our relationship. We already loved each other as much as two people could, or so I had thought. We already wanted to be together, always. What could change?

But everything had changed. It felt as though a presence, almost a third person, that had always been present in our relationship was suddenly gone. The voice of our fears had been subdued, its power broken. Without its whispered warnings in Edward's ear, he was able to see that a bruise was only a bruise, no more important than any of the other insignificant bumps I experienced one moment and forgot the next. By some miracle, he understood that it wasn't worth disturbing this moment, and it certainly wasn't cause for us to draw apart again.

I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back happy tears as the enormity of possibilities for us overwhelmed me. I felt so powerful._ We_ were so powerful together.

I suddenly felt Edward's hand at the back of my knee, pulling gently. I looked at him questioningly.

"Bella," he said, sounding uncomfortable. He held a washcloth in one hand. "I need to look… there. I can smell your blood; I have to make certain you're not hurt."

"Oh," I said, turning red. "Um, okay," I shifted awkwardly, letting him open my legs. I looked away, fighting embarrassment, as I felt his eyes on me, scrutinizing me so intimately. I flinched when his fingers touched me.

"Does that hurt?" he asked immediately, a hint of panic in his voice.

"No, not really," I said, laughing tensely. "You just surprised me. I'm sore… there, but it's not bad."

He released a long breath. "Alright," he said. "I'm going to wipe the blood away. Please tell me if anything hurts."

I closed my eyes as he passed the warm cloth over my thighs and between. His movements were quick and careful. It wasn't long before he laid my legs down again, smoothing his hands up my thighs and over my stomach. I watched his face as he looked at me. There was so much tenderness, such reverence.

"So beautiful," he breathed. His fingers brushed against the sides of my breasts, and he closed his eyes tightly for a moment. When he opened them again, he had composed his face more seriously. "I need to get more sheets," he said. My disappointment must have shown on my face, because he quickly continued. "I am sorry, Bella. All I want to do is hold you, but I need this done first."

I nodded my understanding.

He pulled his clothes on quickly and moved to the door. He hesitated there, then came back to me, lifting my chin in his hand. "I'll be right back," he said, and leaned in to kiss me, quickly and tenderly. "I love you."

"Forever," I said, rubbing my cheek against his hand. He smiled and left the room.

I rested my head on the pillow and drifted in a happy lethargy. I wanted Edward back in bed with me, but this bliss wasn't going to fade anytime soon. I felt as though I was soaring. My mind replayed again and again every moment, every touch, every sound and sensation.

I had been certain more than once that he was going to stop me, perhaps with a gentle chastisement, a distracting lullaby. I had seen the battle in his eyes at several points, but he had pushed it back each time. He had been so afraid, but he hadn't turned back. His hands and mouth had only grown more insistent, his touch more sure. And then he had looked at me, called me his.

_His_.

I was surprised by the fear that had seized me then. This was an Edward I had never seen before, one without reserve or apology. He was powerful, primal, eternal. I had never felt so fragile, so female, so human. I had shivered, and he had seen my fear, but rather than withdrawing he had simply claimed it along with the rest of me. My weakness and my strength, my desire and my fear – it was all his.

In one smooth movement, he had torn me willingly from all that came before. The pain had shocked me, left me breathless, but more shocking was how suddenly belonging to him had transformed from metaphor to iron reality. In that moment of choice, I abandoned all control, all safety, and that had changed everything. For joy or sorrow, pleasure or pain, my fate was hereafter in the palm of his hand.

For the first time, I understood, at least in part, what he had held him back for so long. As he had possessed my body with his, I had been acutely aware of my vulnerability, the disparity in power that meant he could destroy me with a single movement. More frightening than that, though, was the knowledge that he could kill my spirit, that there would be no recovery for me if I lost him again.

And the fact was, that could still happen. The hands that held me were strong, loving, but not perfect. He could yet drop me. Even then, though I don't think I could bring myself to regret this night. No matter what happened, I would always have this.

I turned my head toward the door when I heard voices in the hallway. They were speaking too softly for me to understand, but I thought one of them was Carlisle. They stopped a few minutes later, and Edward slipped back in, carrying folded sheets and a glass of water.

He set them down on the bedside table and sat down on the bed next to me. I rolled onto my side so I could look up at him. He gazed down at me with so much emotion that it might have been years since he'd seen me, not minutes.

"I missed you," I said.

"Me too," he said, smiling. "Let's never do that again."

"What did Carlisle want?" I asked.

He hesitated. "He wanted to know if you were okay," he admitted.

I groaned and pulled the covers over my face.

Edward laughed, shaking his head. "I know, and I'm sorry. Try not to let it bother you, though. He's a doctor, and he cares about you. They all do."

I peeked at him. "I'm just kind of a private person," I said. "This is going to take some getting used to."

"I really do understand," he said. "I've just had a little more time to adjust. And I suppose it would be hypocritical for me to find them intrusive when I've been hearing their thoughts for so long."

"That makes sense," I allowed. At least I had the privacy of my thoughts.

"I brought you some ibuprofen," he said. He opened his hand, showing me two pills. I took them with the water, embarrassed but grateful. There was a tolerable but persistent ache in my body, with the worst of the throbbing between my legs.

"Thanks," I said, moving to get out of bed. "I should, um…" I nodded toward the bathroom.

"Of course," he said, and went to the closet, retrieving a robe for me, one of Alice's purchases. I wrapped it around myself, and stood, just a little wobbly.

By the time I was finished in the bathroom, Edward had put the fresh sheets on the bed. He was gone, and I guessed that he was getting rid of the stained sheets and washcloths. I paused and considered finding pajamas before getting back into bed, but decided against it. The blanket would keep me warm, and it seemed silly to cover myself now. I slipped the robe off, hearing the door open behind me.

I heard Edward gasp softly, and I looked over my shoulder at him. He watched me with hungry, almost anguished eyes as I slipped into bed, feeling a little shy.

"Forgive me, Bella," he said, blinking. "You are just… I don't even have words for this." He shook his head.

He closed the door and switched off the light. I could make out his shape, saw him hesitate for a second before stripping out of his clothes and joining me in bed. He pulled me into his arms, and I laid my head on his chest.

We lay together in silence for a few minutes.

"Bella, are you sure you're –"

I groaned in exasperation.

"I'm fine, Edward," I said. "You asked, you looked, you saw me get up and move around. You even had a little medical consultation in the hallway. So accept it already, and let's just enjoy this."

He remained tense for a beat, then relaxed.

"Okay," he said, pressing his face into my hair. "It's just that I'm still having a hard time believing that I really didn't hurt you."

"Why?" I asked. "Why would you hurt me now if you hadn't hurt me before?"

I felt his arms tighten around me.

"Because I never lost control before," he said, so quietly I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

"You… lost control?" I said. "While we were together?"

"Yes," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "It was so different from anything else we had done together. One moment I was being so careful, aware of every part of you and me, and the next there was nothing but instinct. I could feel everything, but I wasn't analyzing anything. In a lot of ways, it was exactly what I had been afraid of since the beginning."

"But you didn't hurt me," I insisted.

"Not the way I feared," he said, qualifying my statement. "I still don't understand that, though. I could have broken your bones, torn you apart, so easily. But it was so natural, almost automatic. It was like my body knew yours, like this wasn't the first time we'd made love. It was like you and I, together, is something that has always been. And still, it was somehow completely new. When I touched you, when I moved in you, it felt as though you and I were the first man and woman, the only ones, to have ever known that. It was ours, only ours."

I felt my eyes welling with tears.

"I think that's the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me," I whispered. "You've made me so happy."

"Oh, Bella, I want to make you happy always," he said, rolling us to the side so he could look into my eyes. He put his hand on my cheek and gazed at me with that awestruck expression. "Loving you that way was the single most amazing experience I've had. I never thought I would experience that, or that I could feel this way." He kissed me gently, over and over, my tears wetting his lips. "Eternity itself won't be time enough to thank you for giving that to me," he said softly.

I nodded as my tears continued to fall. Eternity with Edward was a future so brilliant and wonderful that I couldn't fit it into my mind. Even one night with him like this was more than I had ever expected, better than I had imagined. I couldn't bear to lose him, would always want more of him, and could still somehow be almost washed away, utterly overwhelmed by the love I found in one moment with him. I didn't know how to say these things to him, so I held his face in my hands and kissed him.

"I'm glad," I finally said. "I'm so glad it was like that for you, too."

"It was perfect," he said simply. "It was… everything."

Yes. Everything.

He pulled me against him, my head tucked under his chin.

We lay in silence for a few minutes. My body was utterly spent, but my mind was racing, filled with everything this day had brought to pass. I shifted against him, unable to relax.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"It's nothing," I said. "I guess I have a lot on my mind."

He was quiet for a moment.

"Was this the wrong time, Bella?" he asked. "Should I have waited?"

"No," I said immediately. "We waited long enough, for some good reasons and some not-so-good ones. If we waited until our life was perfect and uncomplicated, well…"

He laughed, seeing my point. "We don't get much of that, do we?" he said.

"Yeah, no," I agreed. "This was right for us. I think we both felt that."

"Yes," he said seriously. "I think so, too."

There was another long pause between us.

"Tell me, then," he said. "What's on your mind?"

I thought for a minute. There was so much hovering just over the horizon. Jacob would visit in the morning, and I would have to speak to my father soon after. There was tension between Edward and Jasper that I still didn't understand, and we would all be leaving Forks soon, preparing for my change. I was overwhelmed considering everything morning would hold for me.

"Not tonight," I said at last. "I don't want to think about anything but us tonight."

He was silent for a moment, then sighed.

"Alright," he said. "Not tonight. Sleep, my sweet girl."

I yawned and closed my eyes, pushing away from my mind everything but the feel of his bare skin against mine.

"I love you, Edward," I murmured.

"And I love you," he said, kissing me softly. "Never doubt it."

Although there was nothing obviously wrong with his words, something in them pulled at me, making me uneasy, and it was a long time before sleep found me.

* * *

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VPOV

Time doesn't mean much to vampires. Concepts like minutes, hours, years… None of that matters when you are eternal. A second can stretch into forever as you touch each of its infinite facets. A week can be lost to a distracting thought. There is no sleep with which to divide the days.

Even the act of drinking blood has little to do with cyclical need, and cannot reliably used to measure the days and weeks. We find prey when we wish to, and the pleasure of the blood is just another wave in an infinite vibration, the sound that binds us together over oceans of meaningless time.

Time meant nothing to me before I found my mate. When I was with him, it ceased to exist entirely. It wasn't until he was lost to me that I had remembered what it was to count the minutes, the days, the weeks. I counted them, because they reminded me of my failure. Every day, ever second that the creature Bella Swan lived was a failure.

No more, though. In a very short time, my work would be over, whether I succeeded or not.

I walked through the stone archway, my body propelling itself automatically on legs I couldn't feel. I felt half outside of myself, as if my consciousness were so determined to be rid of this place that it wasn't even willing to wait for my death before it abandoned this shell.

And it was truly just a shell. I was more pale than usual, my red eyes dull and surrounded with ugly shadows. I was dirty, and my clothes were wrinkled and worn. My once-glorious hair was matted and unkept.

He had always loved my hair.

I wasn't afraid. For almost a year, I had known only one fear – that I would fail to avenge my mate, that I go insane or be killed before I paid Edward Cullen the debt I owed him. I wasn't afraid anymore, though. I had done all that I could, and it was no longer in my hands. What I did now was my final contribution to that cause, and I prayed that, even if my design somehow failed, my love would know, wherever he waited, that I had paid the highest price to honor my grief, and to honor him.

He deserved that. Our life together, our love for each other, deserved that. I had waited more than one lifetime for him, and we should have known a hundred thousand years together. We wouldn't, though. We'd been robbed of that future, our destiny, by a coven of vampires too obsessed with their lost humanity to respect their own kind and their true natures. And so they had sacrificed an eternal being, and an eternal love, for the sake of a human girl. They had murdered my mate and called it justice.

James' only crime had been honoring the nature of the vampire, behaving as a predator and hunting our natural prey. He had celebrated what we were, cherished every joy this existence allowed us. His passion for this life had kept him from becoming bored and restless as the centuries passed, as so many older vampires were. It was that passion that had first drawn me to him after decades of hopelessness and confusion following my transformation. He had made the chase, the kill, and even the blood something beautiful and wondrous. I had wanted that for myself, and he had agreed to share it with me. He had taught me how to let go of my shame, my fear, my self-hatred. He had given me a new life, and, somehow, had returned my love for him. There was no greater gift than that. He had taken me for his mate, freeing me forever from my loneliness. He had saved me.

But I couldn't save him.

I had tried. I had been rushing to the dance studio, running faster than I ever had. I knew it wouldn't be fast enough. I knew that the Cullens would get there first, and either be too late to matter or too many to fight. And I still ran. Then I smelled the fire, the unmistakable earthy smoke, and I froze, realizing that I was too late. He was gone, and my life was over. I moved to join him, to enter the studio and fight with all of the rage and grief inside me. If I could take down even one of them, it would be worth it. Even if I didn't, and I simply burned with him, it would still be worth it. I would still be saved from a return to that lonely existence.

And then the world had faded, fallen away. I barely had time to curse my gift before it smelled my fear and enveloped me, forcing me to flee. As always happened when the need for escape grew large, I did not plan my flight. I barely remembered it. There was a rush of cement and earth and water, and then I was in eastern Texas, crying and wailing in an empty field. My grief, the only pursuant I could not escape, found me there, tore me apart and crushed me, again and again. I hated myself for running, and I hated James for dying. More than anything, though, I hated that thing, that female who had affected that bizarre coven so radically, had lured my mate so powerfully.

I would show her that she was nothing, a meal quickly taken and even more quickly forgotten. And I would show the one who claimed her what it was to burn and not be consumed, to live every moment with the agony of being cut in half.

Half of me had burned six months ago in a mirrored room on the other side of the world. Today, the other half would follow.

_Thank god._

I entered the cavernous room on legs I couldn't feel. I was not surprised to see two of the three thrones before me empty; I was not important enough to bring all three of the Volturi here for my judgment.

"We have discussed your situation, and have decided to grant your request," Aro said, sounding bored. He motioned his guard to come forward, and a large hand forced me to my knees. Fear made its first earnest effort within me, and I had to concentrate to keep from struggling, to keep my gift from rising up and rescuing me from the only true salvation I had left. I needed to find calm, and quickly.

I closed my eyes, saw his face.

_For you, my beloved_, I thought as more strong hands clasped my skull, began to squeeze. _What I do now, I do only for you_.

There was a grinding noise in my ears, and an electric jolt ran along my spine.

I tried to whisper his name before my head was torn from my body, but there simply wasn't time.


	17. Chapter 17

**_Author's Note:_**

**_The good new is that I'm no longer unemployed. This is also the bad news. My updates to this story will likely be about once a week now, since my boss doesn't pay me to torture these sparkly kids. But, yeah, raise a glass to one fewer unemployed American! Health insurance, people; it takes a lot of psychiatric meds to keep me off my own personal ledge some days._**

**_So, this is exciting. We're rolling into Part 3 of the story, which I expect to be the final section. The theme here is (ahem) "The Price." This doesn't mean that Bella and Edward are going to be sacrificing infants to the Volturi or anything, just that we all learn at some point in our lives the true definition of free will: take what you want, and pay for it. What makes life colossally unfair is the fact that we aren't always the ones to pay. The people we love pay, and generally there aren't returns on these lessons._**

**_Take what you want, and pay for it. To lapse for a moment to my own personal story, my personal price was security. I reached out and took an honest life, a brave life, and I paid for it in the security of me and mine. There's something attractive about a warm body next to you every night. Well, it's a lot more than attractive. It's pretty wonderful, actually. The price for that, however, was more than I could afford._**

**_Now, Bella and Edward are doing the same thing, but with different results. They are choosing to be honest now, to admit that they need to be with each other, and that it's not always an entirely unselfish desire. That has a cost, and a lot of it is security. Edward has broken the glass, and more than that, he has acknowledged that glass never really made a great crash cage to begin with. Bella has to pay for the lies she told herself to survive. I, for one, think it's horribly unfair that her only way through Edward's absence was via Jacob's heartbreak, but life isn't fair. When it's all over, it's only the survivors who really appreciate what that means._**

**_I believe in happy endings, but not in easy ones. Stay with me, people (if you've come this far, I think you can handle the rest). I love, love, love that you read, and I honestly spend a great deal of time working hard to try to keep this story from disappointing. Thank you all, so much._**

_* * * * *_

Part 3: The Price

_We all begin with good intent_  
_ When love was raw and young_  
_ We believed that we could change ourselves_  
_ The past could be undone_  
_ But we carry on our backs the burden_  
_ Time always reveals_  
_ In the lonely light of morning_  
_ In the wound that would not heal_  
_ It's the bitter taste of losing everything_  
_ That I've held so dear..._

_-"Fallen," Sarah McLachlan_

_* * *_

BPOV

The light filtering into Edward's room was diffused, sickly, greenish. The sun wasn't going to shine today.

I reached for him as soon as my eyes opened, but the other side of the bed was empty.

"Edward?" I called, sitting up quickly. My head whipped around, searching for him.

He was at the closet, dressing.

"Good, you're awake," he said, buttoning his shirt. He didn't look at me as he spoke. His voice was calm, unemotional. "We need to talk."

I pulled the sheet over my bare chest. His eyes weren't on me, but I felt the need to cover myself.

"What- What is it?" I asked, trying to steady my voice.

His eyes flicked over to me for a second, then back away. He picked up a pair of shoes and brought them over to the bed, where he sat down and started to put them on.

He didn't look at me, didn't touch me, didn't smile.

"What's wrong, Edward?" Panic sharpened my words.

"We're leaving, today," he said matter-of-factly, tying his laces.

I knew that. Well, maybe not today, but soon, very soon. We'd talked about this already.

Except…

My stomach dropped.

_No_.

"I'm coming with you," I said, pronouncing each word slowly.

I knew his response before he gave it.

"_No_, Bella," he said, sighing heavily. "You're staying here." His tone was that of a teacher explaining a simple lesson to a slow child.

"What? Why?" I stammered. I felt as though I were falling. "I mean, you said… Last night…"

He put his hands on his knees, leaned forward. He still didn't look at me as he spoke.

"I got a bit carried away yesterday, and I am sorry for that. After Italy, well, I'm sure you understand."

But I didn't.

"No," I said, feeling leaving my body.

He turned to look at me with dead eyes.

"Yes, Bella."

"No!" I repeated, louder, my voice shaking. It was the only word I could think of, the only word that existed. The whole world was 'no.'

He sighed impatiently.

"I'm going now," he said, standing. He turned to me. "You'll find your things in the closet, and you're welcome to make yourself comfortable here in the house as long as you wish. The others are already gone, and we won't be returning here again."

Pain tore through me like teeth, and I began to weep forcefully.

"Edward, no!" I sobbed, lurching across the bed toward him. He dodged my reach neatly, stepping backward. An expression of distaste twisted his features. I realized the sheet had fallen, and I grabbed at it with fumbling hands. "Please, Edward, don't do this," I begged, trying to cover myself. The sheet was suddenly too small, though, and I couldn't hide my nakedness from him.

He gave a little shudder and turned away.

"Jacob will be here in a little over an hour," he said dismissively. "You should clean yourself up. He may yet want you, you know."

I made a sound like choking.

He paused, then slowly turned back to me.

The blankets were gone entirely now, leaving me exposed. I was half-curled around myself, half-stretched toward him. My sobs were messy, jagged noises, and my body shook with the force of them. My tears flowed and my nose ran. I stared at him with wild eyes, shaking my head uselessly

"Don't look at me like that," he hissed, recoiling in disgust. "God, Bella, what did you think would happen?"

I grabbed handfuls of the sheet and wailed. I remembered him bringing clean ones, but the sheet beneath me was dirty again, spattered with our fluids, my blood. I sagged against the mattress, laid my cheek against the fabric, and cried out his name again and again.

Suddenly I held handfuls of earth and leaves. Pine needles dug into my face and body, and icy rain poured down on me. I was still naked.

And he was gone.

"_Please_!" I screamed, rolling in the mud, shaking violently. "I'll do better! I can do better! I'm sorry, Edward, I'm so sorry. I'll do better; come back, _please come back to me_…"

As always, the darkness did not answer.

* * *

EPOV

I tried to suppress the disappointment I felt when Bella did not immediately fall into a peaceful sleep, telling myself that I was being conceited and ridiculous.

She lay quietly in my arms for nearly an hour, and only her heartbeat gave away her wakefulness. When she finally slept, she tossed restlessly and mumbled words that were unintelligible but carried a tone of distress. I nearly woke her a dozen times, but each time I decided I would, she would settle in my arms for a little while longer. Then it would begin again.

I was relieved when dawn finally found us. I shook her gently.

"Bella," I said softly. "It's morning."

She jerked in my arms and cried out. I cradled her against me, whispering in her ear. "Shh… Baby, I'm here, you're safe…"

Her eyes opened, shining with tears. She looked drawn, exhausted.

"Edward?" she whimpered.

"Yes," I said.

She closed her eyes, shivered, and rolled over, facing away from me.

"I had a nightmare," she said, her voice shaking. She crossed her arms over her body stiffly, drew her knees up.

I touched her shoulder hesitantly, hating the way she hid herself. I watched as a single tear slipped over the bridge of her nose, dropping to the sheet below. Her shoulders shook as she began to cry quietly.

I wrapped my arms over hers, holding her as she held herself. I surrounded her and waited helplessly.

Her crying gradually tapered off until it only sniffles and ragged breaths.

"Can you tell me what it was about?" I asked gently, unsure if I should let it pass or press her to talk.

She shook her head and swallowed hard.

"No," she said. "It doesn't matter."

"What hurts you matters a great deal to me, Bella," I argued, struggling to keep the frustration from my tone.

She said nothing.

I sighed and stroked her hair.

We lay in silence for a few minutes as the light in the room slowly increased. Bella relaxed against me little by little, eventually moving her hands to wrap them over my arms. She drew little circles on my skin with the tips of her fingers. The feel of her skin against mine soothed me, and then went beyond soothing. I cursed myself silently as desire rose in me. I pulled back from her slightly as I felt my body respond.

"Don't," she said sharply. "I need to feel you right now." Her voice trailed off, quieter with each word. "I need to feel that you… want me."

A sudden suspicion twisted inside me, and I froze.

"That's what it was, wasn't it?" I asked her quietly. "Your nightmare. It was… about me, wasn't it?"

A lone sob broke free from her, giving me my answer, breaking my heart.

"Oh, Bella," I said, turning her in my arms to face me. She stiffened, trying to curl away. "No, Baby," I said, lifting her chin in my hand, looking into her eyes. "Don't hide this from me. Don't ever hide from me."

Her eyes met mine, wide and terrified, and I saw in them the price of having left her. I fought back my own phantom tears as I kissed her, again and again, wishing with everything in me that I could banish that look from her eyes forever. After a moment, she wrapped her arms around me, clinging to me with surprising strength. I gathered her close and rocked her in my arms.

"I _do_ want you," I said, my face in her hair. "I always want you, Bella. Always."

She drew a deep breath and arched her back, pressing against me. I shuddered as a fresh bolt of desire hit me.

"Bella…," I warned unsteadily. "We can't. It's too soon for you." Last night had been painful for her; there was no way she wasn't still sore.

"Please, Edward," she said in a small, broken voice, her lips moving against my neck. "I need this…"

I felt her tongue dart out to taste my skin, and I knew in an instant that my battle had been lost.

We came together slowly this time, exploring and claiming every inch of each other. Despite my worries, I felt drunk on the wondrous awareness that the wall between us was gone and I was free to know all of her. My hands roamed her skin, experimenting with the effects of their touch on her. When my fingers found her most secret place, she gasped and clutched at me hard. Her reaction made me shake with desire, but I held my focus, speaking to her softly as her pleasure built.

"You are beautiful," I whispered, cradling her against me while she moved against my hand. "Every part of you is beautiful; every part of you makes me want you." My words came more easily than they had the night before, when passion had rendered me nearly senseless. "I look at you, and there is nothing else; you become my world and everything in it. I touch you, and I feel as though I can't ever stop. You're all that I want, Bella, all I will ever want." I heard her breath hitch suddenly, and she let out a long, broken cry. Fresh tears escaped from her tightly-closed eyes as she shook violently in my arms.

"More," she gasped. "I need more." Her fingers dug into my hip, pulling me toward her.

If I had thought that I would satisfy her without taking her fully, I was mistaken. My fear of hurting her again screamed in my mind, but I could not bring myself to deny her or myself, not now.

I was as gentle as I could manage, and she assured me, again and again, that she was not in pain. As before, the point arrived when our bodies seemed to take over, rendering my will useless, reminding me that I belonged to her. I cried out much the same thing to her as I came apart in her arms.

Afterward, I held her close to me, kissing away the last trailing tears that escaped down her cheeks. I didn't try to stop myself from weeping with her this time.

"I'll tell you every day," I promised, my voice ragged. "I'll show you. I swear it, Bella. If it takes every single day of forever, every moment, I will make you see what you are for me. I am so sorry, Baby. I'll never leave you again, _never_. I need you; god, I need you so much."

She didn't speak as we cried together, and I didn't try to make her. I understood that she wouldn't, that her love and her goodness would stop her from describing to me the wound I had carved into her. Instead, she held my head against her breast, stroking my hair soothingly as I tried to fill that wound with my feeble words.

"Every day," I whispered fervently. "I promise you, Isabella Swan, I will love you every single day of forever."

* * *

BPOV

A familiar peace settled over Edward and me as we lay together in the aftermath of our love. It felt like the drive home we had taken the night before, when hurt and tension had been replaced by comfort and forgiveness. It gave me hope, and it made me feel just a little more whole.

I had almost begun to doze again when Edward stirred against me. He climbed out of bed reluctantly, explaining that he needed to hunt, apologizing repeatedly. I felt a pang of guilt when I realized that he had likely been feeling painfully thirsty all night, and I dismissed his concerns for my feelings quickly.

"It's fine," I said, smiling. "I need to shower, and I could actually use a few minutes alone." I meant it; the prospect of switching gears from being naked in bed with Edward to having uncomfortable discussions with Jacob and Charlie was already making me mildly nauseated. Also, after six months of so much solitude, I had become used to having time alone with my thoughts. A long shower by myself suddenly seemed like a really good idea.

"Okay," he said. "But you only have to call for Esme or Carlisle or Alice if you need anything."

I rolled my eyes. "I think I can manage a shower on my own," I said. I watched Edward dress, relieved to find that my enjoyment of the sight easily outweighed any lingering unease from my terrible nightmare. He pulled on a dark blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans, and I didn't bother to pretend I wasn't staring.

Edward didn't seem to notice. He smiled at me, a little anxiously. "I'll be back in less than an hour," he said. He paused for a moment, as if listening, then grimaced a little. "Esme is about to start breakfast for you. She's, um, cooking a lot of food. She seems to think that you're going to be especially hungry this morning."

As if on cue my stomach growled, and I blushed. Edward broke into a bigger smile, and suddenly I was in his arms again. I laughed as he pulled me onto his lap and kissed my neck theatrically.

"I'll never get tired of seeing that blush," he said in a low voice that practically melted me. The sheet tangled around me, and he pulled it aside to trail kisses down my chest, and lower, to my stomach. "It goes all the way to here," he said, pressing his lips to a spot about an inch above my navel. "Did you know that?"

"No," I said breathlessly. "How on earth would I?"

Another huge smile.

"I suppose it makes me entirely primitive and unenlightened to love that I'm the only one who's seen it," he said, his voice soft and serious, "but I won't apologize for it."

"I don't want you to," I said, almost purring.

He laughed and kissed me softly before setting me down. He managed to only apologize about a dozen more times before he finally left, leaping from his bedroom window.

I got up and went into the shower once he'd gone. Any soreness I felt was vastly overshadowed by the echoes of pleasure that still sang through me. I ran the water steaming hot, thinking that nothing in the world could ever feel as amazing as the heat of the water over my satiated body. Well, maybe just one thing.

After I stepped out of the shower and toweled myself off, I went, a little warily, to see what Alice had stocked the closet with for me. I was thrilled to discover that, by some miracle, the clothes hanging there were almost entirely appropriate. I found long-sleeved t-shirts, knit pullovers, even a token hoodie. They were certainly more stylish than anything I already owned or would choose for myself, but I was still surprised, considering how Alice had dressed me in the past.

Sex with Edward, the most perfect hot shower ever, and now comfortable clothes… I had to be dreaming.

I smiled as I sat on the side of the bed and tied my sneakers. When I looked up, Alice was standing in front of me. I yelped.

She smiled apologetically, but didn't speak. She was staring at me in the strangest way, and I felt heat creeping to my face under her eyes.

"I know you hate the dresses and heels," she finally said. Her voice was a little flat. She sounded tired. "I figured you had enough stress going on right now without the added burden of being fashionable."

"Alice, what-"

"Don't worry," she continued, as if she hadn't heard me. "No one is going to embarrass you and Edward, at least not today. I had a talk with them last night. Carlisle and Esme understand how vulnerable you're both feeling, and I threatened to spoil the next season of American Idol for Rosalie and Emmett if they didn't give you a little time before turning this into a high school locker room."

She glanced away, seeming distracted. I felt a rush of concern when I realized that she was, impossibly, disheveled in appearance. Her shirt was buttoned wrong, and her hair was flat and unstyled. I had been in more than one near-death experience with her, but never seen Alice looking this way before.

"Are you okay, Alice?" I asked, my brow wrinkled.

She just smiled sadly and came to sit beside me on the bed. She took one of my hands in both of hers.

"I really am glad for you, Bella," she said, not answering my question. "And I'm sorry that I have to tell you all this right now. It's totally unfair, I know. You should be able to just enjoy this…" Her voice broke.

"Okay, Alice, you have to tell me what's wrong," I said, my voice sharp with worry.

She looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath.

"Jasper's gone," she finally said.

"What do you mean, gone?" I asked. "Gone where?"

"North... Canada for now. He… had to go away for a while," she said. She sounded strange, detached. "He's been having a really hard time around you, much harder than I'd realized. And last night it just got to be too much. He can't mess this up again. He won't be able to stand it."

"Alice, if this is about what happened at my party last year, that's just ridiculous," I said.

"No, it's not that," she said, staring away from me at nothing. "Well, I guess is sort of is, but not really."

"You're not making any sense. Please, tell me what's going on," I begged.

She gave me a dark look. "Jasper hasn't taken human life for twenty-three years," she said. "And when it happened then, it nearly killed him."

I was stunned. Twenty-three years?

"I didn't realize it had been so long," I said. "I mean, everyone seems to-"

"Yeah," she said, a trace of bitterness in her voice. "'Our newest vegetarian.' I'm sure it sounds like he's ripping throats out once a week."

"No," I protested. "I didn't mean that."

She sighed. "I know that, Bella. I'm just tired, and I'm tired of all of this. The truth is that Jasper hasn't screwed up that much more than the rest of us. The last time though… It was really bad. It was a young woman. She was going to her mailbox… He didn't hear her baby crying until it was over."

I blanched.

"Yeah, I know," she said. "It's awful. He thought so, too. He decided that he should die for it."

"What?" I whispered.

Her laughter was humorless, a harsh, serrated sound completely unlike her usual ringing voice.

"Yeah, Edward isn't really that creative," she said. "Jasper wasn't going to go all the way to Italy, though. He was just going to attack another coven that was drifting through." She sat silent for a moment. "Edward and I talked him out of it," she finally said. "I begged him, promised him that I would watch, and Edward swore he would stop him if he came close to killing again." She looked at me speculatively. "Some gift this is," she said with a frown. "You know, I saw you coming, but I still had no idea."

"Me?" I asked. "What about me?"

"It turns out that Jasper's gift makes the whole 'singer' thing a two-for-one deal. He feels Edward's thirst for you. I honestly don't know how Jasper hasn't killed you yet. And last night, the blood…"

My stomach sank.

"Oh, god, Alice," I stammered. "I'm so sorry; I didn't know. I didn't think—"

"I know," she said, her voice hard. "None of us did."

"I'll leave," I said quickly, starting to stand. "Edward can go with me; Jasper can come back. It's not fair for him to go."

She shook her head and pulled me back down. "Thanks, Bella, but it really is better this way. You and Edward need the family right now."

"Jasper is family," I said, feeling tears behind my eyes.

She put her arm around me. "Now, don't do that. It's really not a huge deal. He and I have gone away before when we've needed to."

"You… You're leaving, too?" I said in a small voice. A familiar pain twisted inside me at the thought.

"Yeah," she said. "He needs me now more than you do. I was going to stay, because of Victoria, but that's not going to be a problem for you. Apparently vampire suicide is becoming epidemic these days."

"What?" My eyes went wide.

"Yup, in Italy, a few hours ago," she said. "Victoria asked for death, and the Volturi barely even discussed it before they ripped her apart. She won't bother you again."

I sat back on the bed, feeling numb. "Wow," I said.

"Yup," she said again.

We sat together in silence for a moment.

"So you're really going," I finally said.

She nodded.

"I have to," she said.

"When will I see you again?"

"It depends… on how things go when Edward changes you," she said carefully, looking down at our hands. "This whole situation is tough for Jasper. We'll wait until I see what's going to happen, if you'll be… okay. When I see that, we'll come back. Jasper wants to help; he would come back either way. But I know what will happen if you don't take to your change, Bella. Jasper can't do that, can't be around that again. I hate this, but I just can't risk losing him. I couldn't stand it."

"I understand," I said, not sure that I did. I'd never considered that my change could go badly, or what would happen if it did. Edward had never talked to me about that. But, then, I'd never gotten very far with him in conversations about me changing before he'd left, and there just hadn't been time since we'd gotten back together.

"You actually don't understand, and that's okay," she said. "I know Edward, and he will definitely go over all of these things in excruciating detail before the big day."

"Alice, I—"

I was interrupted by her hard hug.

"I'm sorry, Bella," she said, her voice shaking. "I have to go now before Edward gets back. I just didn't want to leave again without saying goodbye."

By the time I brought my arms up to hug her back, she had flown from me. I stared, blinking, into the empty room.

"Goodbye, Alice," I whispered.

* * * * *

**_I get afterglow after reading a quality review. Seriously, your input helps me write a better story. Thanks in advance._**


	18. Chapter 18

_**Author's Note:**_

_**I'm breaking tradition and writing my author's note before this chapter has been finished. Don't worry, it's mostly done. I'm just peppering in the adverbs and unmixing my metaphors.**_

_**I'm writing my chapter note now because today was my own personal ultimate free will experience. The partnership that ended in my heart years ago ended on paper today.**_

_**Part of me muses that I really shouldn't be writing today. Does Twilight really deserve the life experience of a thirty-year-old divorcee? I mean, real life is just that – real. It's not sparkly, and you can't just kill or imprint any character that sins by loving the wrong person. So, is it really wise to be writing the Jacob chapter on the day that I looked into the same eyes that told me "forever" ten years ago?**_

_**My experience tells me not to let any inspiration pass, and my reviews tell me that this story is already so wrist-slash-tastic that it's going to be hard to dampen the already soggy tone of it. So, yeah. I'm totally using this. Sorry, Jake.**_

_**This chapter gets the new award for Hardest To Write. For one thing, I had to invest a lot of time into reading and watching Jacob so I could understand him well enough to write him. Once I understood him, I had to discard about half of what I really thought he would do in this situation. If you have to suspend a little disbelief here, please do so. The fact is that the only way for me to truly plant HDIL? realism into this scene would be for Jacob and Edward to fight to the death, and I just don't have the stomach for that. And so I called on a little wolfy magic. And I beg your indulgence.**_

_**I'm totally blowing my fic author cool (wow, I really just said that) by sharing something I learned in this Jacob research. I figured out what he means, why he really needed to be in the story (no, not just to drag the story out for another couple of books). Jacob represents humanity, reality, coming down to earth, cutting your losses and making the best of things. 'Settling' is an ugly way to describe it; it's a lot more like seeing the world as it is, seeing yourself as you are, and loving both of those things.**_

_**Bella loves Edward too much to feel good enough for him. So, in a twisted way, her love for Edward fuels a sort of self-hate. I realized as I wrote this that Jacob's love for Bella is love that she could find credible. His love made sense to her; she felt worthy of it on some level. Talk about the wrong kind of monster – loving Jacob would have meant seeing herself as lovable. And our girl really wasn't ready for that.**_

_**Okay, now you're freaking out. Stop it, and delete that nasty note you're composing for me. It's still an Edward story, okay? It just has to reach a little further than I realized. Bella is going to have to pick door number three – not self-hate, not down-to-earth self-loving, but making the choice to promote her self-image enough to love and be loved by the one who is beyond natural, beyond expected, and the most honest desire of her heart. And since, divorce or no divorce, I still believe in fairy tales and leg hitches and love beyond expectation, I can make that happen. **_

_**This is, after all, my story.**_

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* * *

BPOV

* * *

It's hard for me to think about what happened when Jacob came for me. And that's what he did, even if Carlisle had told Billy that the visit was only for him to talk to me, to see me. He came for me, because he still didn't quite believe that I was lost to him. I get that now. I get that because I can admit now that I felt the same way when Edward was gone. I had no reason or right, but I still believed somehow that I would get him back. I had to.

I sat without moving for a few minutes after Alice said goodbye to me in Edward's bedroom. The surreal quality of my world had returned, and I wasn't sure what to do, what to expect. At some point, I realized that I was hungry, so following the smell of breakfast downstairs seemed like as good a move as any. I held the rail tightly as I descended the stairs. The house was so quiet.

The table was set with eerie perfection. I sat down and began to eat.

The world was turning around me, faster and more crazy than I imagined, and there was nothing to hold onto. There was bacon, though. Crazy.

Esme joined me a few minutes later. Her smile was careful, and it didn't quite cover the sadness in her eyes. We didn't try to make small talk.

Rosalie and Emmett weren't in the house. I didn't ask where they were, and Esme didn't offer the information.

I could see Carlisle through the window. He was standing on the front lawn, his back to the house, completely motionless.

I took my dishes to the sink when I had finished, and then headed outside. I stopped short when I saw that Carlisle wasn't standing alone anymore. Edward was beside him, looking at him with a stricken expression. I wondered what Alice had told Carlisle, what had actually happened during the night while Edward was loving me.

"Edward," I said, suddenly needing him. And then he was there, suddenly holding me. I buried my face in his chest and let the strength of his arms hold the world in place around me.

When I stepped back, his expression showed nothing but calm. Only the smallest of tremors in his voice betrayed his effort.

"He's coming," he said. He, not they.

A movement at the edge of my vision made me turn and look. Emmett stood a few yards away from us with Rosalie just behind him.

I swallowed hard, and turned to face them. Edward held onto my hand, but lightly, letting me know that I could pull mine away whenever I wished. I squeezed his hand as tightly as I could as they came into view.

A battered SUV pulled up the drive, and I wondered why they had driven when the wolves could have just run here. I understood when I saw that Billy was with them. Sam Uley helped him out of the vehicle and into his wheelchair, and Billy's eyes defied us to object to his presence.

I would understand later why Billy had insisted on being with his son for this.

Carlisle stepped forward, putting himself between his family and the wolves. The face he wore was one I had only seen once before, when he had stood between me and the coven of vampires who would all eventually seek my death. This was not the Carlisle who bandaged my scrapes and kissed his wife in the kitchen. There was no forgetting that this Carlisle was not human.

But if Carlisle's face was wiped clean of human emotion, Jacob's more than made up for it. He was frantic, furious, and desperately hopeful.

I saw it immediately, that deadly hope. Soon after, I would see his exhaustion and stress, but it was his hope that I saw first. He had come for me, come to take me home to Charlie and to the life I had left there a week ago. He had come to take me back to the life that had included him. Sam and Billy hung back, and their faces told me that they had no such illusions. They knew what they were here for: they had brought Jacob here for me to break his heart, once and for all.

Jacob stumbled toward me, looking angry and happy and a little insane. He looked at me, just me, for what felt like a long time. I knew the moment he took in Edward standing beside me, because his expression cooled suddenly. I knew the moment that he saw my hand in Edward's because he stopped short, bending slightly at the waist like he'd been punched.

He shook his head as his eyes begged me to make the world fair.

"Bella, no," he choked. "You can't."

I felt sick. I thought that I would do anything to take that expression off his face, that pain out of his voice. I would do anything but let go of the hand I was holding tightly enough to make my fingers hurt.

I wish I could say that we had a few difficult moments, but then we talked and listened to each other and made peace. I wish I could say that he understood, even if he didn't like it. I wish I could say that, when it was all said and done, Jacob was still my friend. But I can't.

It was bad, and then it was worse.

Jacob reminding me scornfully of everything I had gone through when Edward left was bad; seeing Edward's face as he saw those things in Jacob's mind was worse.

He cursed Edward for destroying my life, and that was bad. I didn't think it could get worse, but then the wind changed. Jacob flinched, and a look of horror crossed his face.

"No," he gasped, breathing hard, his eyes locked on Edward, burning with hate. "You didn't. Not even you would…"

"Jacob, enough," Edward warned, pushing me behind him. "She is not your concern anymore."

"Like hell she isn't!" Jacob yelled. His eyes met mine, terrified and repulsed. "Are you hurt, Bella? We'll help you. We'll get you away from here. Oh god, Bella, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have waited; I wanted to come for you last night. I'm so sorry, Bella." There was a crushing pain in his voice.

Realization hit me suddenly. Jacob knew that Edward and I had been physically intimate. In a less anguished moment, it might have been embarrassing, even funny.

It wasn't funny now. Jacob was shaking from grief, rage, and his efforts to keep from phasing. I saw the vibration in the air around him, and I knew that, if he didn't calm down, there would quickly be violence here. Edward had noticed as well, and was crouched forward, prepared to defend me from my friend.

"I'll kill you," Jacob growled, his eyes narrowed at Edward. "To hell with the treaty. For this, you are going to die."

"Jacob, no!" I cried. I tried to push past Edward, to get between them, but I was being dragged back. I looked back to see who was holding my arms. Emmett. His face was smooth, his attention focused entirely on the wolves.

"Let her go!" Jacob screamed. He glanced back at Sam. "I told you she couldn't want this. If you won't help me, at least let me help her! You don't know what he's done to her!"

"My nose works as well as yours, Jacob," Sam said with irritation. He studied me for a moment, his expression grave. "Do you want to leave with us, Bella?" he asked. It felt more like a formality than a real question.

I stopped struggling, and Emmett let me go. I went back to Edward, who wrapped an arm around me possessively.

"No," I said. "I'm staying with the Cullens, with Edward."

"You don't have to do this, Bella," Jacob said, taking a step toward us. Edward hissed.

"I know that," I said. "I'm here because I want to be. All of it… is what I want." I willed him to hear me, to accept the words.

Jacob shook his head. "You're human, Bella. This can't work, not with him. He's going to get you killed, if he doesn't kill you himself when he's…" He recoiled from the thought, couldn't say it.

Edward flinched against me, and I shuddered at the images he must have seen in Jacob's mind.

"We're going to make it work, Jake," I said. "And that's our business, not yours."

"It was my business this summer," he countered. "Have you forgotten all of that? You used to be my business, Bella."

"I know," I said. "And that meant so much to me, Jake. You're my best friend, and I love you. I'll always love you. But I'm with Edward. You know it's always been him."

"Yeah, I do," he said bitterly. "But I guess I was stupid enough to-" His voice broke, and he looked away. When he looked back, the hurt in his expression had been pushed back, hidden behind the mask I'd come to know and hate since his transformation. The Jacob that had kept me warm all spring disappeared behind that mask, and the person who replaced him regarded Edward and me with cold eyes.

"So it's that easy for you," Jake said. "You're just going to forget about your friends, about Charlie, and stay here playing vampire."

"No," I said. "I'm not. We're leaving Forks."

Another flash of pain showed on his face at my words.

"You're leaving," he said.

"Yeah," I said. "I have to."

Jacob knew me too well. His confusion only lasted a second before it was replaced with rage.

"You're not going to become one of them!" he shouted.

"Yes, she is," Edward said, his voice quiet and deadly.

"No!" Jake cried. He started to move closer, but then stopped short, as though he were being pulled. He looked back at Sam, his face furious and desperate. "Let me go, Sam! You heard them – they're going to turn her into a monster like them! We can't let this happen!"

Sam sighed heavily and moved forward.

"Carlisle Cullen, is it your intention to make her like you?" he asked.

Carlisle released me and stepped forward. "Yes, it is," he said. "Bella has made her choice, and I will welcome her as one of my family."

Sam glanced back at Billy, who nodded. Then Sam turned to Jacob.

"Tell her goodbye," he said.

Jacob's mouth hung open, and his lips moved soundlessly for a moment before he spoke. "No, Sam. No! We can't just… let her die!" He looked back at his father. "Dad, Charlie is your best friend! How can you just let this happen? We have to do something!"

Billy's expression softened. "I'm sorry, son," he said. "But this has to end. We'll do whatever we can for Charlie, but I'm not willing to lose you or anyone else trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved."

Jacob looked back at Sam, his eyes begging. Sam just shook his head.

"Bella," Jacob said, dragging his eyes to me. "I can't accept this. I know that you don't… want me, not the way I want you. I get it, and I'll never ask you for that again. Just be my friend. Stay alive, stay here, and be my friend. Be Charlie's daughter. Live your life, Bella."

"That's what I'm trying to do," I said.

"By closing the door on everyone but him?" he asked, pointing accusingly at Edward. "He's been gone for more time than he's been with you, Bella, and you're still so sure of this that you're willing to walk away from everyone who loves you. What happens if it doesn't work out? I won't be able to be there this time. No one will."

Despair was gaining ground, but I could still see the hope on his face, hear it in his voice.

"I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want," he said. "Or I'll be your friend. I'll be polite to… him, and I'll try to accept that you're together. I swear that I will. But please, don't ask me to give up on you. Don't ask me to be okay with you being like them, with you being alone forever."

He knew me too well.

His words hit my fears directly, striking with painful accuracy. I couldn't stop the image that pushed its way to the front of my mind. I saw myself – beautiful, immortal, and completely alone. I was surrounded by a city that crumbled into ruins, and I wept for my mate.

Eternity, without Edward.

I tried to shake off the chill that went through me as I unwillingly considered a future worse than any hell I'd ever heard described: if I lost Edward again after I had been changed, the pain of that loss would be something I would endure alone, forever. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow back my fear.

"She will never be alone again," Edward said harshly.

"She won't," Carlisle agreed.

I looked back at him in surprise. He met Billy's gaze with a look of calm determination that mirrored his son's.

When I looked back at Jacob, I saw that hope was losing its battle at last.

"What can I say to you, Bella?" he asked, sounding very young. "I'll say anything, do anything, to save you."

"You already saved me," I said, fighting back tears. "You kept me from giving up. You made me remember how to be happy. You saved my life, Jake. It wasn't fair. I know it wasn't, and I'm so sorry. I hurt you, and I'll always be sorry about that. But I'm thankful, too, Jake. I'll always remember that you saved me."

He shook his head. "Not for this," he said coldly. "I didn't save you so you could throw your life away to be with that… _thing_. If I had known this would happen, I would have let you die in the ocean, Bella."

I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me. I held onto Edward's arm, reeling.

"Enough," Edward hissed, shifting away from me as he prepared to attack.

"Edward, no!" I cried, clinging to him. His eyes met mine, coal black. He was shaking with anger, but he straightened up and pulled me into his arms.

"Get him out of here, Sam," Carlisle said in a warning tone. "I don't want blood shed here today."

Sam nodded. When he spoke, his words resounded with an unnatural depth that reminded me that this was more than just Sam Uley, my father's friend, that he was a werewolf, and Jacob's pack alpha. "Go home, Jacob. You are not to set foot on this property again. You will not seek the Cullens, or Bella, ever. Go home now and wait for us."

Jacob's eyes met mine for one more agonizing moment before he turned away and broke into a run. After a few steps, he phased suddenly, erupting into his wolf form. He ran faster then, quickly disappearing into the woods.

There was no goodbye for us.

"Carlisle," Billy said when Jacob was gone. "There is more that we need to discuss. We have honored our treaty with you for many years, but it cannot be so any longer."

"You would have us for enemies?" Carlisle asked. He kept his voice low, but there was a menacing undercurrent that made me shiver.

"We would have you leave," Sam said. "There are too many of you, and too many of us, for this peace to stand for long. Our pack is young, difficult to control. I can't always be there to pull them back, and I'm afraid that it is only a matter of time before fighting will begin. I have no desire to lose any of my own over any conflict with you."

Carlisle nodded. "I understand. We were planning on going anyhow. If you can give us another day, we will be gone from here."

"For good this time," Billy said in a hard voice. "We don't want to see or hear from you again… any of you." His gaze rested on me.

"This will end the treaty between us," Sam said. "After tomorrow, any vampire we find on the peninsula will be destroyed."

Any vampire. Soon that would include me, too.

Another door closed.

"As you say," Carlisle said, showing no reaction to his words.

Sam began to walk back to their vehicle, but Billy hesitated.

"Bella," he said, his voice thick with regret. "This is your decision, but you should know that I am in agreement with my son. You're making a mistake."

I straightened my back. "I've made my choice, Billy. I'm going to say goodbye to Charlie, and then we're going."

He sighed. "Charlie's in Seattle. He left today, doesn't expect to return for a few days. He's trying to get the state police to investigate your disappearance."

My heart sank.

"I won't get to say goodbye," I said weakly.

"You don't have to," Billy said. "You can stay. It's not too late, Bella."

I shook my head, unable to speak. It had been too late for a long time.

They left, then, and I stood for a long time, staring at the place they had stood.

Jacob.

Charlie.

Too late.

Time doesn't mean much for vampires. They don't get restless or impatient the way humans do when they have to stand still for a while. While I was frozen to that spot trying to understand that my friend and my father were both gone from my world, none of them moved. Edward's arms surrounded me, and his family surrounded us both.

I didn't cry. As much as I knew the Cullens were trying to be supportive of me, they would never see Jacob the way I did. This grief wasn't something they could share, or even really understand. It would have to be just mine, and it would have to wait until later, when I was alone.

I finally looked at Edward and nodded. We went back to the house, and they all walked slowly so I could keep up.

"You're about to learn one of the most important things you'll have to know if you're going to be a Cullen," Rosalie said dryly. "How to move in a hurry."

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_**That hurt me more than it hurt you. Review it and make me feel better, okay?**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**A/N will be brief this week. Thank you to everyone who noted with support for my situation. I did, however, want to say that I'm doing really well. The divorce was just a day. The choice had been made long, long before, and the court day was really not a big deal. I love your love, but feel guilty accepting it if you're thinking that Im still on my couch under a snuggi eating iced cream by the pint.**_

_**No, no, none of that. What I am doing instead is loving my job like a job-loving fool. I feel human again. I feel capable. I feel that the job I lost when that man slipped through my hands wasn't a huge failure on my part; it was simply the broken road bringing me straight to the sixteen residents that I now get to care for every day. This is my job; it feels right, and I can do it well. It pays me well enough to give my kids a Nanny, not a sitter. They do activities and go for walks and cook and do experiments. Basically, I've hired a stay-at-home mom for my boys. They're happy with that.**_

_**When I am at work, I write longhand future HDIL chapters. The story no longer lets me forget about it for more than an hour or two. I know how it ends, you see, and that means it must be written. Expect it to complete during the month of April. Then expect me to be receiving supplemental oxygen on the floor and I realize Oh my God, I did it.**_

_**But let's move on to the story: When last we left our sparklers, they were saying see ya to Jacob, and Rosalie was helping Bella learn about moving, Cullen style. A good a point to pick up as any, right? Seems pretty straightforward... And I don't write angst for the sake of angst...**_

_**Ahem. Note to self: A/N first, Ambien after.**_

EPOV

"The art goes first," Rosalie began, taking Bella by the arm. "Esme will tell you that it's the jewelry and heirlooms and shit, and Edward will try to get you to pack up his music first, but you don't listen to them. The art goes first."

I rolled my eyes. This was an old argument, and I was too worried and distracted to engage Rosalie in it now. She knew it, and was seizing the opportunity to bring Bella over to her side.

"See," Rosalie continued, indicating the formation of abstract paintings on the wall of the foyer. "These…" She trailed off, shaking her head. A dreamy smile touched her features, making her look both less and more like herself.

"They're beautiful," Bella commented after a moment. Her smile was forced, and I could see the tension around her eyes.

"Yes," Rosalie said. "And irreplaceable. Even if the artist who painted them were still living, the moment that created these is gone. The paint will never move just that way again. You could try to recreate it, and you could get close, but you'd never really succeed. You'll know what I mean after you're changed; you'll see all the little details then that your human eyes can't."

Rosalie was talking art, which meant she was too engrossed in her subject to see the shadow that crossed Bella's face. But I saw it.

"I know that it's annoying for Edward to have to replace all of his music, and I understand why Esme wants to protect our human keepsakes, but the art is about more than just sentiment or convenience. Vampires love to toss around the word 'immortal,' but you saw how much that meant when we took James apart and burned him. We're not immortal, just indefinite. We live longer than the humans, who live longer than dogs and cats, who live longer than insects. But this, Bella, this is what we live for. We are a creation destined to create, and what we create, that lives forever."

Rosalie sighed blissfully, nearly moved to tears by her own speech. Again, I rolled my eyes. She glanced at me and frowned, clearing her throat.

"That is, unless we are too busy boxing up Edward's Hootie and the Blowfish CD's to crate them properly," she said, the familiar bite of sarcasm back in her words.

Bella tried to hide a smile. "I liked _Cracked Rear View_," she said in feeble support. I pulled her to me and kissed her.

"_Thank you_," I said to Bella, glaring at Rosalie and trying to hide my own smile. I would have to thank Rosalie for this later. Her involving Bella in our routine this way was unexpected, and somehow better than anything I could have done to show Bella that she was safe, she was home, and she would be forever.

I was a little surprised at Rosalie's sudden emotional generosity in reassuring Bella in this roundabout way, but only a little. Though it wasn't a frequent occurrence, Rosalie had a very uncharacteristic knack for stepping in with support or insight at times when none of the rest of us seemed to be able to do so. Maybe it was the extra measure of distance that she routinely maintained from the rest of us that allowed her to be clearheaded enough to talk with Bella about these everyday things right now. Maybe Rosalie was just a little stronger than the rest of us. Regardless, I was grateful to her. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down myself.

Carlisle hadn't even tried to hide it from me. He'd found Alice in the woods, crying, not long after I'd spoken to him in the hallway as I'd searched for fresh sheets for the bed. His very sincere concern for Bella's safety had concealed the memory of Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie dragging Jasper from the house. I remembered the moment that the scent of Bella's blood had become obvious to me, how it had pulled at me strongly once my lust for her body had been satisfied. Yes, there had been struggle then, but only for a few moments, and the struggle was nothing beside the love. For Jasper, though, the invitation of that scent had been completely undiluted.

Carlisle had stayed in the house, so he hadn't witnessed my siblings fighting for Bella's life miles from where I held her in the dark. He's seen enough, though. Rosalie had come for him as soon as she and Emmett were sure that Jasper had broken free of his frenzy. By the time Carlisle had gotten to Alice, Jasper was over the Canadian border with no intention of slowing. Carlisle still believed that Jasper would return; I wasn't so sure. I tried to imagine the horror and guilt he must be feeling, and I simply couldn't.

In the defense of my mate's life and her mate's soul, Alice had fought against Jasper viciously. And when it was all over, Carlisle had followed Rosalie back into the woods so he could reattach Alice's arm.

She was fine, physically, now. She'd forgiven Jasper for her injury the moment it happened – before it did, in fact. That might have made a difference, if Jasper had wanted to be forgiven.

Emmett's mind showed me Jasper's eyes as he heard the sound of his mate's body breaking in his grip. It was that sound that jolted him from the madness that had seized him when he'd tasted my reaction to Bella's blood. Emmett relived many moments of that struggle, but he kept coming back to those eyes, the eyes of someone forever changed.

I thought again that I would apologize to him, but the idea was so thin that it seemed to dissolve in the air like fog. Not only was an apology an insult to someone who had paid such a price for my happiness, but I would be lying if I told him that I would have changed anything. There was shame, but more so a grim peace in realizing that, if it was the cost of being with Bella, there was no one I was unwilling to sacrifice. I would tear to pieces every last member of my family if it meant that she would always be in my arms, safe and happy and mine.

Emmett brought the crating supplies down from the attic, and Rosalie started walking Bella through the process of safely packing the artwork for travel. The family had over a hundred original paintings, and they all traveled with us when we moved. Add to that the sculpture, rare books, and other historical items, and we easily filled a moving van with nothing but collectibles. It really was no wonder that Rose hated moving so much. Still, she was patient as she demonstrated, at human speed, the packing techniques Bella would come to know well. I felt a stab of guilt at the pleasure that flooded me as I imagined never again packing and moving without her beside me. I would never leave behind another life without starting the next with her.

Carlisle had disappeared as soon as we had gotten inside the house. Esme was gone, too, and a tickling suspicion made me uneasy. He wasn't himself, and it was more than worry for Alice and Jasper. He was keeping most of it shielded, though, hidden behind the very effective barrier of the image of Alice, broken in the forest.

I closed my mind as much as I could, unable to bear the horror of the image. Alice's arm, Jasper's eyes, the sound of her tears, the sound of Jasper's name as she screamed for him to return, that it was okay…

I succeeded enough to be surprised when Carlisle came into the room again.

"Bella, I need you come with me," Carlisle said, his tone uncharacteristically sharp. "I'm going to examine you in my office."

I felt a rush of anger at his brusque order. His eyes flicked to mine, daring me to object.

_I need to know if she'll be ready, Edward,_ he thought. _You must know that we're out of time._

"Bella?" he repeated, a little impatiently, indicating the direction toward his office. I swallowed my irritation, giving her a smile that I hoped was reassuring.

She flushed, nodded, and hurried the way he indicated. I followed closely behind her.

Once inside, he lifted Bella to sit on his desk and began checking her over. She winced when his hands closed around her ribcage. Carlisle looked at me and frowned, then smoothed his expression before addressing her.

"Did you just stop eating altogether?" he asked. His voice was calm, but I recognized the anger beneath it.

"What?" Bella said, frowning.

"When we left. Did you even try to take care of yourself, or were you just going to let Charlie find you on your bathroom floor after you'd had a heart attack at the age of eighteen?"

"Carlisle," I hissed, watching Bella's eyes pool with tears. He didn't react visibly, and his thoughts were carefully walled off from me behind anatomical recitations.

"I… I did try," she stammered, looking down. "I wanted to be okay, I really did; I just didn't know how."

Carlisle caught her chin in his hand, turned her face up to him. He slipped a penlight from his pocket and began checking her pupils.

"Well, I'll tell you what I know," he said. "I know that you weigh exactly eighty-nine and a half pounds, which is at least twenty pounds less than you did last fall. I know that your hair has been falling out from malnutrition, and you have a fifteen beat pulse deficit."

My heart twisted inside me as he described her condition.

"I don't know what that means," she said, her voice trembling.

He put the light away and took his hand from her face.

"It means that you've weakened your heart, Bella," he said. His anger was more obvious now. "It means that changing you is going to be more dangerous than it would be if you were healthy."

_It means that I don't know when I'll see the rest of my children again._

Carlisle looked away from me quickly, hiding his expression as the thought escaped.

Bella's eyes welled with tears.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle," she said. "I didn't know…"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I know, Bella," he said, more gently. "We all would have done things differently if we'd known more."

_If you'd told us more, Edward._

I flinched.

He stepped back from Bella slightly, paused.

"I'll need to see your injuries, too, Bella."

She frowned, confused.

"No, you don't," I said from behind him, my voice a low warning.

He glanced back at me.

"I need to know her condition," he said.

"I told you already. A few bruises. Nothing more."

Bella's breath drew in sharply as she realized what injuries we were discussing.

_Are you sure, Edward?_ Carlisle thought. _She has bruised ribs; with her malnutrition, they could easily be broken._

"They're not," I said in a low voice. "And you know damn well that I would know if they were. If you are angry with me, then discuss it with me. Leave Bella out of this."

"No!" Bella said suddenly, her eyes flashing angrily. "You aren't leaving me out of anything."

Carlisle looked at me, his expression resigned. _She's right, you know. This is her business more than anyone else's._

I sighed.

"So, what's going on?" Her eyes darted from me to Carlisle. "Why are you so angry with me?"

His expression softened at once. Without the hard edge, there was only sadness and worry.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, his eyes downcast. "I find myself in a difficult position, though. I suddenly have good reason to see you changed quickly. Your health right now, though, leaves quite a bit to be desired."

She shook her head. "But… I didn't think that mattered. You all were dying when you were changed, and you're fine now."

_We were lucky._

My breath caught as he thought it.

"It's not always that simple," he said carefully aloud. "The venom does heal most things, but it relies on the heart to keep it moving through the body. It's not an easy process. It's painful, as you know, and stressful on the body in many ways. In the past, my choice has been between letting someone die and taking the risk that their bodies will survive the change. With you, it's not so simple."

"I'm not afraid, Carlisle," she said, her voice rising in alarm. "You can't take this choice away from me, and I'm not going to let everyone keep hurting while I take naps and drink protein shakes."

"Bella," I said gently. "Please try not to worry about the rest of us. We've been through worse than this. It happens when you live as long as we do."

I wasn't sure I was telling her the truth, though. God, Jasper's eyes…

"Not because of me, though," she argued, her voice shaking. She looked from me to Carlisle, desperation in her eyes. "This is what I want, and this is when I want it. I don't care about the risk. I know that I'll be okay."

"I'm not going to let you rush this because you feel guilty about Alice and Jasper," I said firmly, speaking to myself as well as Bella.

"It's not your choice," she said, her temper rising. "You already said you would. I thought you wanted this. You… you asked me…" Her words ended with a choked sound.

I pulled her into my arms.

"I will," I said, stroking her hair. "I do. Please, Bella, believe me."

She pressed her face against my chest and didn't answer.

_This is her choice_, Carlisle thought, but his reluctance was clear.

"Not like this," I muttered, too low for Bella to hear.

Carlisle sighed heavily, his thoughts shifting methodically and uselessly through the impossible situation into which we'd fallen.

"Get some rest, Bella," he said, pulling himself together. "I know you didn't sleep very much last night, and we're getting on a plane early tomorrow."

"Where are we going?" she asked, sniffling.

"Brazil," he said. "Or, rather, an island near there. It's private. It will be ideal."

I glanced at him uneasily.

_A few days, Edward_, he thought, pushing a resolve into the words that he didn't quite feel. _I don't like it any more than you do, but…_

My eyes met his coldly, daring him to justify the decision to risk the life of a girl who had done nothing wrong to any of us.

He didn't.

He slipped out of the office a moment later, leaving me and Bella alone.

"I'm taking you to bed," I said, watching her eyes fly open in surprise. I was going to clarify my meaning, but realized before I could that I meant it just the way she had heard it. I was afraid, and I needed her. It had been hours, after all – an eternity.

The rooms between the office and my bedroom passed by us so quickly they blurred, and then she was where I needed her to be, where I always needed her. Closer, always closer.

* * *

APOV

I think the most ironic thing about my gift is the fact that, most of the time, it's completely unnecessary. People are predictable, regardless of whether they have a beating heart or a stone one. I can't see the werewolves, and that aggravates me, but I didn't need to see Bella's last meeting with Jacob to know that it wasn't pretty. Jacob loves Bella. Bella love Edward. Jacob hates Edward. No need to pull in a psychic for that one.

And I didn't need to see it to know that Edward would be more than a little shaken by Jacob's memories and imagination. Yes, Bella pretty much hit the dirt and stayed there for six months. Yes, she didn't comb her hair or eat her vegetables or layer her t-shirts in that super hip 'I'm so cool that I don't even care that I'm lame' way that she always seemed to manage. Yes, she was drowning in the ocean, and Jacob pulled her out all cold and blue and dead. I won't tell him that I told him so (mostly because I already did that), but I will roll my eyes over how shocked he was to see it. What did he think she was doing while he was gone? Again, Bella loves Edward. Edward leaves Bella. And then what, Edward? What comes after that? God, never mind. This is Edward, and the obvious has never been his forte.

I think they rely on me too much sometimes. Scratch that; I know they do. And it makes me want to scream because, no matter how many times I tell them that my visions are uncertain and incomplete, they still seem to think that looking into tomorrow is as easy as turning on The Weather Channel. Hello! Meteorologists are wrong all the time. It doesn't help me that my radar doesn't work consistently. It's the sharpest with vampires, especially ones that I know well, and especially if they're physically nearby. Humans are a little more tricky, and I think this is because I was never human myself, at least not that I can recall. I don't really get how the physics of their universe works, and it makes it harder to follow their paths. That's the nice way of saying it. Get me really frustrated, and I'll tell you that I can't predict humans as well because they're all a little crazy.

This gift seems to work best with rational, unchanging people and circumstances. Think about that, and then tell me how often my family should expect me to be spot-on with my predictions. Yeah.

As if the whole humans versus vampires issue weren't enough to muddy the waters, I've learned recently that some creatures escape my foresight altogether. There are the wolves (as if I needed another reason to detest them), and then there are crazy people. I haven't shared that one with the others yet. The mood around the house was intense enough without adding to that the possibility that Bella might have lost her mind. I explained it as well as I could in a gentle, roundabout way, but there really wasn't any point in calling a spade a spade, at least not yet. I may not have gone running off to be murdered by Italian vampires when I saw her jump, but the fact is that I really do love Bella, and I'm holding out hope that she's not going to end up a spade after all.

I've had some time to think since I started running this morning, and I've come to another conclusion. I've been damn lucky; we all have. I'm thinking now that my good luck has clouded my vision, made me believe a little too readily in happily-ever-after and true love conquering and everything always being just fine. I never really saw myself that way – as an optimist, I mean. I've seen some terrible things over the years. I've seen the bad guys win and poetic justice falling flat on its face more times than I care to remember. I've come to understand, better than most, I think, the most terrifying truth of the universe: life is uncertain.

I'm not manufacturing irony when I say that uncertainty scares me more than anything else. And, really, the more I think about it, I don't think I'm the only one. People talk all the time about their worries, their fears, but it all leads back to the possibility that something is going to happen that can't be predicted or controlled. More than pain, more than loss, what terrifies us all is the reality that even the best lives are balanced on the edge of a knife. I think we'd all lose our minds if we followed that truth to its source, to the reality that absolutely nothing is safe from that moment where it's suddenly not.

I followed that truth a lot farther than I wanted to this morning, and I think might have lost my mind a little. Not when my stupid arm fell off – that was nothing. But something in my heart and mind seemed to crack down the middle when I spoke _those words_ to Bella.

Jasper is gone.

He's not traveling, not taking a breather, not cooling down and thinking things over and composing a really great apology card to go with the dozen roses I'll get tomorrow. He's leaving me. Or, more correctly, he thinks he is. He thinks the thing with Bella's blood and the fight and my arm is going to make me let him go.

As if.

I love my family. I love Bella. I love my life. But I need him, and if my only other option is letting him go, then I will gladly chase him over every square inch of this godforsaken planet for the rest of eternity. What else would I do, honestly?

I would find him, and bring him the only news that would make him stop, make him listen, make him stay. I would tell him that Bella was one of us, that her blood would never again reach for him, pierce his skin, pull him under. I'll tell him that the blood is gone, my arm is fine, and he needs to please stay with me and stay alive, because otherwise…

Well, I hope I won't have to spell that part out for him, but experience tells me that men do hide from the obvious when it's not what they want to hear. Fine, then. I'll say it. If Jasper is gone, then I'm just going to—

I stopped running. Everything had suddenly changed, and with enough certainty and volume that it pulled my attention away from my melodramatic lady-or-the-tyger reverie.

_Oh, god. _

I stood dead still for several seconds – an eternity of indecision sparked by the decision of another.

What did I say? Oh, yeah – that Edward has always lagged a step or ten behind the rest of the world when it came to recognizing the obvious. And now, of all times, he's decided to look around and realize that life is, in fact, fucking uncertain. What he decided right after that, the thing that made me skid to a stop in the middle of a cow field in Canada, well, that just reinforced my first point: people are predictable.

When it's all said and done, I think what I chose to do next just went to show how utterly not exempt I am from that fact of life. It was a few seconds before I could make myself turn on my heel and tear back toward Forks, but almost none of that time was spent deciding whether or not I would. Yes, I was shocked by what I was going to do, and yes, I knew that my family was going to be a hell of a lot more than shocked when I did it (even though I was trying with everything in me not to look ahead and see their faces). Oh, it would be worse than shock, so much worse.

I didn't think twice, but as I ran, I considered whether or not I ever could have decided differently. I was sure of the answer well before I approached the town: absolutely not.

This was about Jasper, and that meant that there was only one possible choice for me in this situation: regardless of whether nor not I succeeded, regardless of whether or not they'd ever forgive me, regardless of who was alive or dead when this sick turn of events was done, I had to act. This was Jasper, and for him, I would.

_Only for you_, I chanted mentally as I ran, fighting back the sick feeling that reached for me as I got closer. _What I do now, I do only for you._

_* * *_

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	20. Chapter 20

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Thanks to whynot, who makes me feel like not a bother as she validates my angst.**_

_**Holy wow, guys. If I ever doubted that you have strong opinions about what my sparklies should be doing here, then I stand corrected. Your reviews were freaking awesome, especially the ones that said I suck and why god why and omg how the hell could I do that to Carlisle?!!!**_

_**Seriously, it lets me know you're paying attention.**_

_**A few orders of business:**_

_**1. We'll have to agree to disagree regarding the question of whether or not Carlisle has the capacity to be unkind. I love Carlisle, but I don't like uncomplicated characters. He's been more than patient with all of the shenanigans going on around him, but enough is enough. Edward is lying, Jasper is on the run, Alice got hurt, and their awesome hippie treaty just got blown to hell. It's not one of his best days. Nonetheless, I do hope that the next chapter sheds a little light on his motivation and state of mind.**_

_**2. To the handful of people who thought going APOV was a little over the top: yes, well, of course. But it was fun, and that's why I write, and why I read. Plus, it would have been really weird to have Alice- Uh, wait. I can't talk about that yet. Suffice it to say I needed her to talk. And if you thought that was fangirl and self-indulgent, then, well, I guess I'll be hearing from you again soon.**_

_**3. [Insert previously foreshadowed plot point here] has not been forgotten. I worship you all for some of your suggestions, though. Nest of vampire babies? Oh, hallelujah, I would have written it all just for that one.**_

_**4. Sorry for the cliffie feel of the last chapter. It was unintentional. Things are building to a head, and it's just gonna feel that way until it's done now. I personally detest cliffies, so I wanted to apologize every time I read a review along those lines. I have a theoretical philosophy that no chapter is done until it has pushed the plot forward in some way, and often the biggest part of the movement doesn't come until the very end. I do try to answer as many questions as I raise with each installment, though.**_

_**5. You guys are too f*cking smart. Oh, wait, I did use that word in the last chapter. (take 2) You guys are too fucking smart. That's better. Seriously, I have learned so much about the effect of foreshadowing and how much you need to clue your readers into a potential whatever (you don't need much – think of it like cooking with cardamom). And you know how I learn that? From your awesome reviews and the conclusions you describe to me there. Thank you, so much!**_

_**Alrighty, then. No philosophical and preachy note this week, no whiney force-blog about my life as a single lady, just story…**_

- - - - -

BPOV

Edward's hands and body on mine screamed contraction. He was at once demanding and shy, reluctant and rough. He froze for a beat as soon as we tumbled together into bed, his fingertips hovering over the fabric of my shirt. My body jerked beneath him a moment later as he tore it off.

"Wow," I gasped.

He froze again, looking shocked, confused.

"Bella, I'm sorry—"

"Shhh…" I hushed him with my voice, and then, for good measure, my mouth. I felt him vibrate with the effort of staying still as I pulled myself against him and kissed him hard. I tasted his lips, his jaw, his neck, sliding along them to whisper in his ear. "Not slow, Edward," I demanded.

For how rarely it sometimes seems that he listens to me, he sure did it well this time.

He clutched at me, finding the fabric that still separated us and dismissing it with the smallest movement of his hands. Once he began he did not slow or falter; he was graceful enough for both of us, and more. His hands, my heart – between the two sources, there was always surety enough to bring us together. And it was so fast, how quickly we went from being apart to being joined. It wasn't human, but it was Edward, so it was right. Joined was right, and so I was ready for him, sobbing with relief as I felt him push into me.

Yes, this was right.

I knew that he wasn't trying to make me forget about what had happened downstairs, but it worked anyhow. With each motion of his body in and against mine, I felt as though I were dying and being created anew. Again and again and again, Edward created me, and I started to understand what Rosalie was trying to tell me about art.

I was the paint, the notes, the brush and the keys, ordinary until the moment he touched me, and then never again. I could never be ordinary or plain ever again, only art. It was so unlikely, me being his art, but it was truth. Every other path was just impossible. On every other path, I would be only blank and silent and always, always waiting for him.

"Bella," he cried. "Oh my god, Bella…" His hand curled around the back of my shoulder, pulling against me, pushing himself more deeply into me.

All thoughts of metaphor were lost, leaving behind just the colors, the light.

I thought his name and screamed nothing intelligible as he moved faster, harder, pushing me into the light.

He rolled back in a quick moment, bringing me with him, as soon as my release faded. It was another movement that wasn't human in the least, but was entirely him, entirely us.

"This is forever," I panted, straddling his lap. "Can you feel it? This, right now – it's forever." I was still tingling from my last climax, but I welcomed another anyway, not bothering to wait for the world to put itself together again before I let it burst apart around me again. "_Edward…" _

My fingers dug into his shoulders, and he cried out as I clenched around him, shaking.

"Yes, Bella," he groaned, his eyes locked on mine. "Forever. I need this forever…"

He held my hips in his hands, squeezing too hard, not hard enough. I wasn't afraid; he wouldn't hurt me. He was afraid, though. I could feel it. In this sphere of color and light and perfection, I found his fear offensive.

"Just feel me," I begged, my body moving faster over his. "Feel me and know it, Edward. Stop thinking about it… Just _know_ it."

I bent over him, pulled hard on handfuls of his hair, knowing I couldn't hurt him, knowing he wouldn't hurt me.

"I want to, Bella," he said, "I want to so badly…"

I watched his face as he struggled against himself. He looked as though he were trying to understand something difficult, as if the answer were written in my eyes. Then his eyes closed and he cried out brokenly, shuddering beneath me.

He folded me into strong, deliciously inescapable arms.

"Please tell me that I didn't hurt you," he whispered after a long pause. His voice was trembling, helpless.

"You didn't," I reassured him. "You won't."

His eyes didn't open, but his arms didn't either.

It was a long time before he finally eased me to his side, letting our bodies slip away apart marginally. Soft mattress replaced his hard body, calling to the exhaustion that I hadn't noticed in myself until that moment.

I wanted to talk more, to touch more, to do anything that would smooth the tension from around Edward's eyes. I wanted his smile to be easy and unafraid.

"Edward…," I began, yawning.

"Sleep, Bella," he said, pressing his lips to my forehead, a tender dismissal.

I obeyed him unwillingly, sinking into a dreamless oblivion.

* * *

EsPOV

The earth felt warm in my hands, a sensation that never failed to remind me that I was not the same being that I was when I first touched it. The weather is still cool by human standards, and I know that, by the same standards, the ground is cold as well. But for me, it's warm nearly all of the time. It's really rather nice. I dug the small bulbs from the ground gently, one by one, with my bare hands. Tools were unnecessary for me, and I didn't want the separation they would create between me and the soil.

Whether we had been there for decades or merely days, leaving home always felt sad for me. I think it is the same for Carlisle and the children. We all say goodbye in our own ways; this is mine. I was grateful that there was, at least, time to do this.

I had already boxed up not only my own human keepsakes, but the rest of the family's as well. They have all gone through phases where they wished to forget their humanity, and these things would have been left behind or thrown away if I hadn't intervened. Somewhere along the way it had become habit, part of the ritual we all observed during these transitions.

Carlisle, ironically, was the only one among us who had more heirlooms than would fit into a shoebox. He had held on the most tightly to his humanity; he still did. I was glad for that. I think that's what saved him, saved all of us, from the darkness, the blood.

Even without a vampire's memory, I could easily tell you exactly what I pack for each of us. There are things you would expect, things than explain themselves – photographs, jewelry, and the like. There are other things that silently speak of their own importance, but whose stories I've never heard. Rosalie has a seashell that has a single triangular chip at the edge. Jasper keeps a scrap of leather, dyed a faded black, brittle and ancient. Alice has only one item, a curved piece of steel, rough and rusted. It is bent oddly, and I became convinced decades ago that it was once a part of a manacle.

_Alice._

My hands faltered for a moment, long enough for a delicate bulb to be crushed in my grasp. I swallowed, exhaled, let it go. Started again.

The door whispered open and Carlisle stepped outside. His eyes, vulnerable and guilty, met mine. He hesitated, wanting to hide, but I knew he would come to me.

I was in his arms before I could wipe the dirt from my hands. His mouth was on mine before I could protest that I was ruining his shirt. My hands were in his hair before I could decide whether or not to put them there.

By the time he finally broke away from me, our clothes and skin were streaked with dirt. His forehead rested against mine, and he breathed hard. His eyes were squeezed shut.

"Carlisle…," I whispered. "What was that?"

He didn't answer right away, and I waited silently for him to tell me.

"I scared her," he finally said quietly.

"Yes," I agreed sadly, still not understanding. It had been my husband's voice that I had heard from his office, but the words, the actions, had been those of a stranger.

"Not enough," he said.

I drew my breath in slowly. So, it was still this.

"She isn't afraid of dying," I said. "She isn't afraid of the pain."

"And that makes it right?" He pulled back from me, ran a dirty hand through his hair.

"What makes it so hard this time?" I asked. He had changed Edward, me, the others, and I had never seen this turmoil, this fear.

"It wasn't a choice then," he replied. "It was so much simpler: I saw your faces, and knew that you should live. There was only one way for that to happen." He sighed wearily. "Don't think it made it easy, though. Watching over you, afterward… I felt so ashamed, so selfish."

"Selfish? You were saving our lives."

He laughed bitterly. "Yes, tell me how generous it was for me to take that blood from each of you. I am sure I told myself the same thing, that it wasn't my fault the act gave me so much pleasure."

"It wasn't."

"But it did," he said, his voice haunted. "Not just pleasure, either. Peace. I have known freedom from this thirst four times, and I have spent each of those times listening to my victims scream until their voices failed them, plead with me to kill them."

I closed my eyes against the memories of Rosalie and Emmett in their change. It had been as terrible as Carlisle described it, and worse. I know we all tried unsuccessfully to forget those days.

"It won't be you this time," I said, knowing the words would give him little comfort. "Edward will take her blood."

"If he is able, he will. I already know that I may have to… help him. But even if I don't taste her blood, we will all still benefit from her change, Esme. Don't you see? It's not her fault that her blood moves Edward this way, or what that has meant to Jasper and Alice. Still, she will burn and die so that my family can know peace, become whole again. I want that so much, and that is all that I will be able to think of while she is changing, and after. I don't know if I can bear it, and I fear that the rest of us, especially Edward, will realize too late what we've called upon her for."

"This is what she wants, Carlisle," I argued. His reservations were understandable, but I had fewer qualms about buying the security of my family this way. I would pay anything to have them back again, to have them safe. "And this is what we need."

"It shouldn't be this way," he said, shaking his head. "She should be stronger for this."

I gave a little incredulous laugh.

"Stronger? I don't know that I've met anyone stronger than Bella."

He frowned. "She's not well, Esme. She's far too thin, and her heart is weak. It's possible that she won't survive the change."

My eyes narrowed suspiciously at him.

"Do you really believe that the change will do anything but restore her?" I asked.

He looked away from me.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to happen," he said sadly. "She… asked me to help her, to change her, the night of her birthday party. If I had listened to her, helped her then, I could have saved her from all of this. I could have saved all of them from this. But I didn't; I wouldn't."

"You knew that this had to be a decision made in love between her and Edward. You weren't wrong, and you aren't responsible for how much they have gone through since then. It's terrible, but there is nothing we could have done."

"We shouldn't have left her."

"No, we shouldn't have," I said, my voice heavy with sorrow. "I'm still not sure we could have changed anything, though. She and Edward are finding their way, just as we knew they would. And Bella will get through this—"

"We nearly killed her!" He cried, pressing his hand against his eyes. "She is my daughter, Esme. Even then, I knew she was mine. I should have been there when she needed me, when she asked for help. And now she'll never be that girl again."

"No, she won't," I agreed. I wiped my hands on my apron slowly, thinking. "Is that what you are waiting for? Is that why you are afraid to change her?"

"We've already changed her," he said, reaching for my hands, lacing his fingers into mine. "And look at what that has meant. She's so quiet, so sad and scared. And physically… What she has been doing for the last six months has been slow suicide. She covers it so well, but she's truly fighting for her life. And now I have to ask her for more."

He looked older than I'd ever seen him, more tired, more human. I squeezed his hands, knowing that they were always warm for me.

I waited, smiling slightly, until he lifted his eyes to meet mine.

"You and your son…" I shook my head. "Both of you are so unwilling to accept that the right thing might also be the thing you want the most. You are both so used to pain, to sacrifice, and you can't accept that it might be someone else's turn for that." I sighed, no longer smiling. "Bella knows what she wants, Carlisle. Listen to someone who knows what it means to love something more than your own life. She loves him. And even if she can't know all of what this path holds, she does know what waits for her if she does not choose this. That's not something she can survive. She will suffer for this, and she could die." He looked down, his eyes flashing pain, fear. I touched his chin, turned his face back up to mine. "This is her only chance, though," I said. "Driving her away will only hurt her more. We have to take her in, whatever it costs. Can't you see it? This is how we save her, and how she saves us."

He pulled me close and buried his face in my hair.

"How can you be so sure?" he whispered.

"Because I've been her," I said, crying a little at the memory. "You saved me, and now I have you, forever. How could I care about Bella and not want that for her, too?"

"It was the most selfish thing I've ever done," he sighed. "I knew that you had chosen to die, and I still couldn't let you go."

"I'm so glad you didn't. So glad." I held him, stroking his back.

"It hurt," he countered. "I remember every minute of it. It hurt you so much."

"It was worth it," I said, speaking my part of a conversation we had had a thousand times over. "I would never change it, never."

His voice shook with the ghost of tears when he spoke.

"_Thank you_."

* * *

EPOV

I hated leaving her alone in bed, even for a few minutes. I had to speak to Carlisle, though, while she was asleep. I hadn't wanted to frighten her by fully expressing my displeasure over his treatment of her earlier, but I would now. My need for Bella had pushed back the outrage for a while, but now it was back, pricking the back of my mind with the memory of her eyes, afraid and ashamed as Carlisle berated her.

My hands began to clench into fists, and I stopped them, reminded them that it wasn't safe, that they were still holding something soft and precious. I closed my eyes and indulged in a few more minutes of her heat, her breath. My Bella – beautiful, small, fearless.

I was afraid enough for us both.

I slipped from between the covers and found clothes to replace those that now lay in pieces in and around the bed. I glanced down at Bella and found my eyes trapped by the sight of her, sprawled on her back. There was a loop of white fabric hanging from her wrist, a scrap of her bra. My breath drew in, and I was at once ashamed of how I had handled her and ready to wake her and do it all over again. I could see a fresh bruise blooming at her shoulder, the shadow of my touch on her fair skin.

More guilt, and stirred into it uninvited, more desire.

_Leave, now_, I told myself silently.

I moved slowly, humanly, out of the bedroom and down the stairs. I found Esme in the kitchen, washing her hands. She had been gardening.

"Where is he?" I asked in a flat voice.

She sighed. "Edward…"

"I'm right here," Carlisle said from behind me. He had changed his clothes, and I could smell water on him. His calm gaze met my angry one.

_Is she alright?_ he asked silently.

"You care?" I retorted, taking a step toward him.

_Stop, Edward,_ Esme thought sharply. She glanced at Carlisle, alarmed.

"No, Esme," he said gently. "He has every right to be angry." _I'd honestly be disappointed if you weren't_, he added.

"Is that what this is, then?" I asked, struggling to keep my voice low, not wanting to wake Bella. "A game? A test for me?"

"No, Edward," he said with regret. He released an abrupt sigh and strode past me to the counter. He leaned against it, his back to me.

_If this is a test, I think it's for all of us_, he thought.

"What do you—"

"I owe Bella an apology," he interrupted, his tone smooth again, controlled. "If she is willing, I would like to take some blood for testing later. I'll speak to her then."

I frowned at his back. After this morning, I wasn't inclined to let him near her.

"Bella hates needles," I said, unwilling to let him sidestep this so quickly. "She may not let you."

He shrugged. "Then we'll just have to do without the blood tests. I hope you both understand that I have to ask, though."

_I have to try. I know that this isn't in my hands, but I cannot do nothing._

"Carlisle…"

He sighed heavily and turned to me, the remorse in his eyes was plain, not nearly enough.

_What do you need to say to me, Edward?_

"Only that it will not happen again," I said, a rough warning in my voice. "You are my father, but Bella… You know what she is to me."

I expected him to defensive, angry perhaps. There was only sadness, though, and acceptance.

"Yes, I do," he said. "It won't happen again, Edward."

_And I hope that you will accept my apology as well._

I hesitated, uncertain about his change in mood and what it meant. Before I could speak, the phone rang.

Esme flashed across the room and lifted the receiver before the ring could wake Bella.

"Hello?"

There was no answer, only a sound of a breath being drawn.

"Jasper?" Esme gasped. Carlisle was across the room, his arms around Esme, his ear close to the phone.

A pause, another breath.

"_Mom."_

I clutched the counter beside me, feeling suddenly weak. It was Jasper, my brother, but it wasn't him at all. His voice was only an echo of the one I remembered. He sounded broken.

"Where are you?" Esme asked, tears in her voice. "Are you okay?"

He didn't answer.

"_Carlisle,"_ he said instead.

"I'm here, Son."

"_Alice. Is she…?"_

"I took care of her, Jasper," he said. "She's fine."

"_Fine_," Jasper repeated in a scornful whisper.

"She's looking for you," Esme said. "Please… come home."

"_No,"_ he said immediately. _"I only needed to know… And I wanted to, even though I don't have any right…" _He rambled as though to himself.

Esme's shoulders shook with silent tears, and Carlisle's arms tightened around her.

"Jasper," he said. "She's forgiven you. She needs you home. We all do."

"_No,"_ Jasper said, sighing.

"Please," Esme sobbed.

"_She isn't answering her phone,"_ Jasper said, as if he hadn't heard. _"And I wanted to talk— I needed to tell her…"_

"No," I whispered, horrified.

There was a click as he hung up, replaced a moment later by a dial tone. Esme sank to her knees, wailing. Carlisle went to the floor with her, pulled her into his lap, folding her in his arms. Her cries were muffled against his chest as he tucked her head under his chin. His eyes were grave as they met mine.

_Do this right, Edward,_ he pleaded silently. _You have to take care of her. All of this… You have to make it count._

_- - - - -_

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	21. Chapter 21

**_A/N: Well, this should be interesting. I'm (more than) a little tipsy as I post tonight._**

**_Some chapters you have to get buzzed to write; some you have to get buzzed to post. This one is both._**

**_Writing about Edward and Bella's angst was nothing for me. Cathartic, but not really that difficult. Writing this, though..._**

**_I will stop and thank whynot, who has been a support for this project from the beginning._**

**_I can see what lies ahead. I know how this ends. All of it._**

**_Some things you have to be drunk to post._**

**_Don't lose faith in me, guys. Stay with me here. Believe me when I say that the heart I'd be breaking would be my own. _**

_- - - - -_

BPOV_  
_

I awakened alone in Edward's bedroom. The light had dimmed, the shadows shifted. The sun was not quite setting.

I was alone, but I could feel him somehow, and I knew he wasn't far. I rose, wrapping a sheet around me as I went to the window. I was unsurprised to see him sitting in the grass, just inside the shadow of the tree line. His eyes widened when he saw me. His gaze didn't leave me as he smoothly came to his feet.

I lost sight of him for only an instant before he was behind me, touching me. His cool hands ran along the sides of my neck, down my bare arms. They circled around to my belly, his fingers spreading as they traced my skin. I sighed, letting my head fall back against him.

"Tell me again," he whispered desperately, his mouth at my shoulder.

"Tell you what?" I murmured. A delicious chill ran over every inch of my flesh. Words were slipping away quickly.

"All of it," he replied, pressing my body back, closer to his. "That this is real. That you really forgive me. That you still want this."

"Yes," I breathed. "All of it, I… _Yes_." I put my hands over his, trapping them against me.

He stilled against me and drew a deep breath. His hands and mouth moved suddenly, and in a heartbeat he was holding my jaw, gently but without doubt, in one of his hands. The other wrapped around my body, pinning my arms against my sides. My pulse hammered in my ears as his cool breath touched the place it raced in my throat. His lips grazed my skin, barely touching me, hovering over me.

Oh. _Oh._

The sheet slipped from my fingers to the floor.

"Say it," he said, so quietly I barely heard him. "I think that I can… But you have to say it, Bella. I need you to ask me, one more time." He was shaking, or maybe it was me. I couldn't tell. I couldn't think.

I opened my mouth to speak, to give him the words he needed to take us forward. I couldn't find them. My mind raced uselessly, giving me a thousand images, but no help. Fear was the last thing I wanted, the last thing I needed, and it was choking me silent even as it whispered to me.

_As if I never existed…_

_Don't belong in my world…_

_Alone forever…_

_This is what you want_, I screamed in my mind. _You're going to ruin it. You're going to—_

"Please, Bella," he begged. "I can't do this without you."

My silence dragged on forever. I told my mouth to form the words, even one. Just 'yes.' _Just say yes, please, god…_

I was shaking harder now. Yes, it was definitely me shaking. My heart pounded, and it was all I could hear.

Edward's hand moved, exposing my neck to him further. I flinched, my fear betraying me before I could stop it.

I swayed, knocked off balance as Edward released me in a motion was too fast to describe, let alone stop. I found my balance, miraculously, and turned to see him sitting on the bed, his back to me.

"I'm sorry," I choked. _Now_ I could speak. Great.

He was hunched over, so still.

"Bella, _don't_," he said harshly.

"Edward, please—"

"No," he said. "I will not listen to you apologize for this. You have nothing to be sorry for. I never should have…" His voice trailed off in an anguished sob.

I hurried to him, climbing clumsily over the bed and wrapping my arms around his unyielding form.

"Stop it," I cried. "Just… stop it. It's not fair, Edward, that you can hear everyone but me. If you could hear me, then you would know."

He shook his head.

"You were afraid of me, Bella. I didn't have to hear your thoughts to know it."

I was too slow to answer. He flinched against my silence.

"It was one moment, Edward," I said at last, struggling to find the words. "I—I didn't mean it! I was… I don't know. I couldn't think. I was surprised."

"You're not ready," he said softly.

"I am," I argued, trying unsuccessfully to turn him to me. I crawled over him instead, climbed into his lap, wrapped my limbs around him. I held his face in my hands, ducking low to meet his eyes. "Edward, I am! Look at me – you know that I want this!"

His eyes told me that he needed me, and that he was sorry that he did. His hands came up, so slowly, held my face lightly. A broken sound escaped as he kissed me, soft and hungry and sad.

I began to weep in earnest against his mouth.

"No, Edward," I said. "Don't. I can feel it, and… and you can't! Not again."

He pulled back from me suddenly, holding me away from me so he could look into my eyes.

"Bella," he said, shocked. "Do you think I am going to leave you?"

I clutched at his clothes, sobbing, and looked away. He grabbed my chin roughly.

"Look at me, Bella!" he said angrily. "Look at me and tell me that you really think I could do that again."

I stared into his eyes, seeing my own confusion, my own despair, reflected there.

"Edward…"

"I said never, Bella," he said, more gently. "I meant it. I said forever… and I meant it."

He did. I knew it then, and I could see it now.

"But you still won't," I said.

"I will, Bella," he said. "But… not now. Not like this. I need to know that you're sure. I need to know that I'm not making a mistake."

I didn't know how to argue with him about this. He wanted to wait until all of my fear was gone? Didn't he realize that fear was good, so much better than the apathy that had been the air in my lungs for so many months? How could he punish me for being afraid of losing him, of losing myself?

"This isn't fair," I said. "I… I can't wait to be with you, Edward. I was afraid, just for a second, when I realized what you were asking me, but don't you get how much more afraid I am that you won't?"

"I know," he said, his voice edged with frustration. "God, Bella. I know, and I wish…Do you think I don't want this? I want it, so much, I just…" He touched a spot my shoulder with trembling fingers, and his face twisting in a familiar way. It was a moment before I could place the expression as the same one he had worn in Volterra, when Jane had turned on him.

_This was hurting him. _

That was enough for me, more than enough. I kissed him frantically, stopping his words. I didn't stop until I had to breathe.

"We can wait," I said quickly. "Just say that you'll stay, and I'll wait."

"Bella," he whispered. "I'll stay, for as long as you'll have me."

"Then forever," I amended. And he kissed me.

"I'm sorry," he said as he broke away. "I'm so sorry that I broke this."

"No," I protested. "Nothing is broken."

His eyes argued silently.

"We're not broken," I insisted. "Not ever."

For as long as he was holding me, it felt completely true.

* * *

When I was a little girl, I loved an old movie called _The Incredible Mr. Limpet_. It was about a man who, for reasons never fully explained, really wanted to be a fish. He wished hard enough and turned into one. Then he was sad and afraid; it wasn't what he had expected. Later on he met a girl fish and saved U.S. soldiers from Nazi torpedoes, but what I always remember is him swimming around in the lonely ocean with that cheesy song playing: _Be careful how you wish…_

But his wish was stupid. Having some bizarre feeling of envy toward your aquarium fish is not the same as needing to be with your immortal soul mate. Still, I wondered if Mr. Limpet had felt a clutch of indecision or fear the second before he went over the side of the pier. I mean, it's a really big ocean when your happiness depends on one little fish.

I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel of the Volvo as I sat at the only traffic light in Forks. It was strange driving Edward's car. I had never driven it before, and it took more than a little insisting to get him to let me drive myself, but I needed to get my things from Charlie's, and I needed to be alone when I did.

This was, after all, my last look at dry land.

I parked across the street from the house. It looked, of course, exactly the same. I ran a hand lovingly over the dusty hood of my truck as I walked by.

"Bye-bye, baby," I said, smiling sadly. Sometimes love didn't have to make sense to be real.

I let myself in the front door, and it felt like last week, and it felt like a hundred years ago. It was familiar to the smallest detail, and still not about me, not even a little. I walked into the kitchen and saw a note on the table.

_Bella,_

_I'm in Seattle. Call Bill Hutchinson at the state police headquarters and ask for me if you get home before I do. I'll come right back. Please stay put until I get back._

_I love you,_

_Dad_

There was a phone number written at the bottom of the message. I picked up the note, held it in shaking hands.

"I love you, too," I said to the silent house.

I folded the note carefully, tucked it into the pocket of my jeans. I had written a note of my own earlier at the Cullens' dining table while Edward pretended not to watch me from the next room. I left my note on the table where Charlie's had been a moment before. My eyes rested on the word written on the side of the folded paper – "_Dad_." I wished as I stared at it with blurring vision that I could go back and replace every spoken "Charlie" of the last eighteen years with "Dad." I wished as I stared at it that I could just have one more chance to say it to him. I swore to myself that if I ever had another chance, it would always be "Dad" and not "Charlie."

The moment grew heavy in my chest, settled there like drying cement. I wiped my eyes, accepting the new weight. Goodbye isn't something you leave behind; it's what you take with you when you lose something else.

I left the kitchen and looked around the rest of the downstairs, hesitating only briefly before taking the framed wedding picture of Renee and Charlie, deciding that it had to be healthier for it to be in my possession than in Charlie's.

I went upstairs and stopped short at the doorway to my bedroom. It was a mess. Drawers had been emptied onto the floor, the bed stripped and mattress flipped. Charlie must have tossed it, looking for something that would help him find me. Papers were spread over the desk, and pictures had been pulled off the walls.

There was even a floorboard pulled up, revealing an empty space underneath. A shoebox sat beside it. I got closer, saw what was inside, and felt my heart stop.

An unlabeled CD in a plastic case, the kind you use for the compilations you burn at home. A photograph of a plain-faced girl in the arms of an angel. Plane tickets. Ticket stubs from movies, concerts, plays. Matchbooks. A scrap of label from a long-discarded lemonade bottle. Handwritten notes. A round stone. A white beverage napkin, wrinkled and then carefully smoothed flat. This box contained everything I had kept to remember everything that mattered.

I didn't care anymore about the chaos my bedroom. I slowly sank to my knees and pulled the box onto my lap, touching each item one by one. I added Renee and Charlie's wedding picture to the box, and it looked right. It looked like enough. I put the lid on it and got to my feet.

The sound of the front door slamming startled me as I headed down the stairs. Charlie hurried in, looking angry and happy and a little insane.

"Isabella?" he called.

"I'm here, Dad," I replied, my voice choking hard on the last word. I set the shoebox down unsteadily. He looked, stared, seemed to breathe in the sight of me like oxygen.

The stairs flew by under my feet, and for once I didn't trip. I ran into his arms, and he caught me, held me tightly. He breathed hard exhales of relief, sharp inhales that made his arms hold me harder.

"You can't do that to me," he said thickly, not releasing me. "I've been going crazy here, Bells. You have no idea."

No, I hadn't had any idea, but I could hardly even draw a breath now, so I was catching on.

"I thought you were in Seattle," I gasped.

"Jake called me," he said, loosening his embrace, holding me away to look at me like he'd never seen me before.

Jake. I would kill him for this right after I thanked him about a million times.

"Where have you been, Bella?" he asked sharply.

In Italy. In a well-decorated underground cave with vampire royalty. On a private jet having a nervous breakdown.

"I was with Edward."

"And you couldn't wait until I got home to tell me you were leaving? You couldn't call?" Angry was quickly edging out happy by a couple of lengths, crazy by a nose.

"I… I'm sorry, Dad."

His face turned red, and he looked like he was going to start yelling again. He changed his mind at the last second and hugged me again instead.

"Your mother and I have been losing our minds," he said in a struggling voice.

He released me a second time, gave me a hard look which softened quickly into concern.

"Are you in trouble, Bella?" he asked. "Are you okay?"

I glanced away unwillingly, not wanting to lose a second of looking at him, not wanting him to look through me and see too much.

"I'm good, Dad," I said, pushing hair out of my eyes. "I just… need to talk to you."

His eyes narrowed. "What's going on? Are you getting back together with that asshole, because I swear to god, Bells—"

"I'm leaving, Dad." The words thrust themselves out of my mouth before I could think them.

"Like hell you are!" he boomed. "You just got back! You haven't even told me where you've been, or where the hell you think you're going!"

"I'm going with Edward," I said, and adding the name made my words a little steadier.

"Going where? To do what?" Fear and anger mixed together loudly.

"I… I don't know yet," I said. "We just have to go. Like you and mom did."

He looked like I'd punched him.

"Bella," he began when he'd recovered. "You're too young. Your mom and me… You know how we turned out."

I shook my head. "You're not me, Dad, and neither is Edward. I… have to do this."

Some appalling thought worked its way to the surface of Charlie's mind, and his eyes darkened with rage.

"Are you pregnant?" he shouted. "Did that son of a bi—"

"No! Dad, no," I interrupted quickly. "I'm not pregnant. I'm just in love. We're in love."

He calmed marginally.

"Bella, this is not a good choice," he said, forcing his words to gentle and slow. "I know what a bad guy looks like, and Edward is one of those guys. If you pick him, it's going to be bad, even worse than it's already been for you."

"It's not a choice," I said quietly. "It never was."

"It's always a choice," he argued. "You have feelings for him, that's fine, but you can choose to walk away. You can choose a better life, an easier life."

I shook my head some more.

"I can't, Dad. I tried. When he… I tried, and it wasn't any good." I closed my eyes for a moment, reflected on the struggle that had taken place during the months I had tried to teach myself to live without air to breathe. "He is my life now. He always will be. There isn't any other choice, for either of us. It's just who I am, who he is, and we can't change it. We'll never change it."

"Are you so sure?" he snapped. "He left you once, Bella. He'll do it again. I can't watch you go through this."

"You won't."

"Right, because you're leaving with this boy." He half-laughed, pacing a tight circle in our foyer.

No, because he won't leave me again. He swore it.

"Yes," I said.

"No!" he shouted. He shook his head, slammed his hand against the doorframe. The sound jolted me, reminded me of the lesson I'd already learned today.

I knew what Edward and I looked like from the outside, how we appeared to human eyes. I had gotten more than I'd hoped for already. To look for my father's blessing would be too much, far too much.

"I'm sorry, Dad," I muttered, turning to retrieve my shoebox.

Charlie didn't stop me, didn't move as I made my way back down the stairs. As I stepped off the bottom step, there was a knock on the door. Charlie cleared his throat, standing straighter as he opened the door.

There was a boy, maybe a little younger than me, standing on the front porch. He smiled politely at Charlie, his hands clasped in front of him. I took in his thin frame, his messy blonde hair, his angular and youthful face. Then I saw his eyes, and the box in my hands fell to the floor, spilling its contents everywhere.

"Hello," the boy said, blinking blood-red eyes at my father. "My name is Riley, and I'm very pleased to finally meet you both."

- - - - -

**_Too fuzzy to be clever. I'll just say that your reviews sustain my faith in this story and my faith in my ability to tell it to its end._**

**_Twitter sort of owns me -- bethesdagray_**


	22. Chapter 22

_A/N: Begin with gratitude, always. My thanks to whynot, my validation beta and sounding board for the not-quite-sane moments I have while writing at three in the morning. Also, my thanks to drotuno, who very kindly and unexpectedly recommended this story to her readers over at Angel's Embrace (__.net/s/5564546/36/__). As HDIL owns every part of me that Twitter hasn't called dibs on, I have not had the opportunity to read her work, but I am incredibly touched by this kindness. A very warm and angsty welcome to any AE readers who have joined us this week. I've enjoyed the reviews from so many new names._

_I have to address a few things, some of which I am half-convinced were added to Chapter 21 reviews just to light a fire under this next update._

_1. WHO IS RILEY? – I am, quite honestly, shocked by how many times I got this question. I guess I am a total canon hoor, or maybe this character just really spoke to me for some reason. Riley is SM's creation, not mine. He is the vampire who is with Victoria during the final battle scene in Eclipse. During the battle, it's made clear that Riley is in love with Victoria, and that she's deceived him into thinking she feels the same way. In any case, what you end up with is a villain who is thematically perfect for this tale._

_2. Where is Edward? – Now, I know I covered this one. Edward is at home, because Bella wants to say goodbye to her old life, including Charlie-in-absentia, without spending the whole time feeling guilty because she's making Edward feel guilty. Read that sentence again and you'll understand why I didn't spell that out more specifically in the prose. I try to do canon (or whatever the hell my characters are at this point) Bella and Edward favors now and then and downplay how emotionally spastic they both can be. Long story short – Bella is a licensed driver, there was no immediate threat (that they knew of), and she just needed ten minutes alone before she turned her back on humanity forever, ya know?_

_3. OMG, what a wicked cliffie!!! – I'm not sure why it bothers me that the last few chapters have been perceived as cliffhangers, but it kind of does. See, a cliffhanger would have been having Bella drop the box and gasp, but not tell you who was at the door. As it was, I totally gave up the info I'd been keeping to myself for the last ten chapters. That doesn't make me a cliffie bitch, does it? Fair warning, though. Until I get close enough to the end that I can fit all remaining plot information into one final chapter, they're gonna read like cliffies. I just don't identify as a cliffie-writing author, though… (sigh)_

_4. You made me cry/vomit/question all things safe and pure in my life/throw my laptop into the English Channel – Why, thank you. One of you wrote that reading HDIL literally causes you agony. I am assuming two things here: one, that you used the word 'literal' correctly here, and two, that you meant this as a compliment. If that's the case, it's one of the best compliments ever._

_5. What a mess! You keep adding crazy stuff to this bounce house; planning on wrapping any of it up anytime soon? – Very soon, I promise. I have a plan, and I'm impatient to see it unfold. And if you find HDIL to be the storyline equivalent of Chuck E. Cheese's on a Saturday, just chalk it up to an author with considerable ADHD writing a Twific for the first time. So many stories to be told, you see. They're playing together in my brain alright. You'll have to let me know what you think once this mess has finally wrapped._

_6. Update soon! Like now! Now? Are you writing? Go write! – Thank you. Just… thank you. I suppose I'll know if I am ever truly popular, because messages like these will be annoying instead of flattering. I'm not, though, and this little-author-who-might smiles whenever I see that someone loves me enough to threaten self-harm if I don't update within a certain timetable. (And for the record, take it up with the characters. I sit in front of this document every night, and sometimes they talk to me, and sometimes they give me the finger and go storming off to their rooms.)_

_I also want to clarify the reason for my angst about writing and posting the last chapter. The parent/child angst is really, really tough for me to write, both because I miss my parents (they live far away from me) and because I love my children. I also adore Charlie, and sometimes feel like he should have been made the real hero of these stories (if he'd just put the damn fishing pole down once in a while)._

_And now we do the storytelling thing. Unrequited love sucks, you know. Being used by someone for whom you have mega-vampire-bond-unrequited-love is even worse…_

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BPOV

The boy's red eyes sparkled with excitement. He looked from me to Charlie and back again.

"You're just like your pictures. I thought you'd be prettier. I figured the picture couldn't do you justice. It does, though – justice and then some." He laughed, and the sound was exactly that of a teenage boy laughing at his own mean joke.

"You know this boy, Bella?" Charlie asked warily.

"No," I said, my heart pounding. I didn't know who he was, but I knew what he was, and I couldn't imagine any good reason for him to be here.

"Is there something we can do for you?" Charlie asked him, cautiously polite.

"Oh, for sure," Riley said. "You can go to sleep for a while."

Charlie crumbled to the floor.

"Dad!" I cried, kneeling down beside him.

Riley let himself into the house, tearing the screen door from its hinges as he did.

"Damn it," he said, frowning. He tossed the door into the kitchen, and it slammed into the table, pushing it halfway across the room.

Charlie was breathing, but he didn't move at all as I shook him.

"What did you do to him?" I demanded in a shaking voice.

"Nothing," Riley said. "Just what I said – he's asleep.

I looked at him in terrified confusion as he moved closer.

"Yeah, your killer friends aren't the only vampires with special powers, Bella. Ever since I became one, I can get people to do anything I want them to. Humans, I mean. It doesn't work on vampires." He shrugged. "Victoria said it might not work on you, either, 'cause you're some kind of freak or have a brain defect or something. Let's find out. Start singing, something happy." He looked at me expectantly, then with irritation, as I gaped at him.

"Victoria?" I asked. "You knew her?"

White hot anger flashed behind his eyes, and he suddenly wasn't a teenage boy anymore. It was impossible to see the thing standing over me as anything but a monster.

"DON"T SAY HER NAME!" he screamed. Glass exploded out of the living room window behind me. My ears rang painfully. "_You _don't get to say it, ever! She's _gone _because of you!"

He was shaking from head to foot, and my stomach churned with the knowledge that I was about to die.

"No," I squeaked. "_Please_, please don't."

"Don't what, Bella?" he hissed. "Don't care about her? Don't love her as much as you love your Edward? Are you the only one who's allowed?"

"I… No. I'm sorry. I don't understand." I began to cry as I babbled. I could see in my mind the blood on the floor, Charlie and me mangled here together for Edward to find. Anger and grief filled me, mixing with my fear, as I thought of how little time Edward and I had been allowed, how little happiness. It wasn't fair, I wasn't ready, and I didn't understand why everything was being destroyed, again. I sobbed this to Riley as he crouched over me, his eyes blazing, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

Riley changed again, just as suddenly as when he'd lost his temper a moment ago. He froze for a second, glancing away, and then straightened up, smiling.

"No, of course you don't understand," he said. "How could you? The one you love is alive, and he actually wants you. You've gotten everything you wanted, and you've never had to give up anything. But guess what, Bella? I can change that. Oh, yes I can."

He blurred, and then he was beside me, kneeling at Charlie's head. He put his hands close to Charlie's head, and I screamed.

"Shut up," Riley said. "I'm not going to touch him. Victoria warned me not to touch any humans I didn't plan on killing. It's too easy to screw up and smash them, and I need Charlie to stay alive so he can do something for me."

I felt a surge of relief. One body, then. Just mine. Not good, and still not fair, but at least my father wouldn't die because of me.

Riley bent close to Charlie and spoke into his ear.

"You're going to wake up in thirty minutes. You won't remember me. What you will remember is fighting with Bella. She was here when you got home, and she was packing a bag, getting ready to take off again. Edward had dumped her, again, and she was upset. She wouldn't listen to you. She said she never wanted to see you again, that she wanted to forget that she had ever come to Forks. Then she left."

My eyes widened, horrified.

"No, you can't—"

"Yes, I can," Riley said calmly, his eyes still on Charlie. "He's listening to me, accepting it. I can see it, you know. I don't hear every little thing like your Edward, but I can see a lot in there, the big thoughts. I can tell when they're listening to me, and your dad is going to do it all just like I said." He straightened up to stand, glancing around at the floor.

"Get this shit cleaned up," he said. "Throw it away. It doesn't look right. You wouldn't have taken it if you weren't with Edward."

He was wrong. I would always want those things, but I didn't argue. I gathered up the items from my shoebox and put them in the kitchen garbage. It's funny how perspective can change things. This box of odds and ends had brought me to my knees just a few minutes ago, but I felt only vague regret as I discarded it now.

_I don't care about that, _I found myself saying to some invisible unknown. _It's okay, if I can just get out of this. Just one more time, please, let me see him one more time._

I replaced the wedding picture on the mantle, needing to force my eyes away from the image of my parents' faces.

When I turned from the mantle back toward the kitchen, I saw that Riley had moved to the table. He'd taken Charlie as well, propping him up in a chair carefully, gripping handfuls of his clothing to lift and maneuver him.

"Good, Bella," Riley said when he was satisfied with Charlie's position. "Listening to me is good. You already know that you're going to die. I can tell. But it can just be you, if you keep listening to me. Your dad can stay here, alive and pissed off at you, and your Edward doesn't have to find parts of you all over this house."

Yes, I had known that I was going to die, but it didn't stop my legs from giving out from under me as he said it. I sank to the floor, sobbing. Riley frowned and made a disgusted noise.

"You should see yourself, Bella. You look like shit, you can't even stand up right now, and you're still trying to believe that you belong with one of them… _us_. You still think he really loves you."

"He does," I said, spitting the words out with surprising force. "You can kill me, but you can't take that."

The hot anger flashed again, but was gone before I could even flinch. Riley's face smoothed, and he smiled at me slowly.

"Maybe you're right," he said, his voice low and dangerous. "But, for his sake, you'd better hope that you're wrong. Vampires can't live without their mates, Bella. Victoria is dead because she lost hers, and I'll die once you're finally gone. If your Edward really loves you as much as you'd like to believe, then there won't be any reason for him to live once he knows you're dead. He'll find some vampire having a bad day, and they won't mind at all tearing him to pieces. But, hey, at least then everyone will know that he really did love you, right?"

I shook my head uselessly, remembering Edward's face in Volterra the moment before he first saw me. His were the eyes of a man who was already more than half dead, a man who had nothing left but the need to see his existence end. Riley watched me with eyes that were hungry and cruel, savoring my despair.

"But you're lucky today, Bella. Because of what I am, and because I know goddam well how much this is going to hurt you, Edward might just have a chance left, but only if you can listen really, really well. This is what's going to happen. You're going to call him. You're going to tell him that you're not coming back, and that you don't want to see him again. You're going to make him believe that this is what you want, and that if he really cares about you he'll leave you alone. And then you and I are leaving together, and I'll just take things from there."

I slumped forward, blood draining from my face. He wanted me to speak to Edward, and he wanted those final words to be the plainest of all blasphemies – that I didn't want Edward.

Riley ignored my reaction, looking pleased as he continued.

"We'll get far enough away that he'll never find you, and he'll never know that you didn't choose to leave him. And, well, after that it's up to him, isn't it? In all likelihood he's going to feel pretty relieved to finally have you off his back and off his conscience. If not, then I don't think he'll do anything permanent until he's sure you're dead. If I do my job well, that certainty could be another eighty years coming, Bella. Think of it: he'll stay alive, just in case you change your mind, just in case you need him someday. Don't you want that for him? Don't you owe him that much, I mean, for bothering with something like you?"

"He won't believe me," I whispered, staring straight ahead.

Riley laughed bitterly. "You might be surprised what people will believe when it comes from the right person," he said. "For example, I believed Victoria when she told me that we'd be able to be together once you were dead. I believed her when she said that she'd be able to love me back once her mate had been avenged. And I believed her when she said that she'd be back from Italy in a few days." His eyes grew dark and distant. "They sent me her hand. In a box. She'd asked that they do that, so I would know without doubt that I would be alone for all time, because of you. She'd told me that she was going to get help from the Volturi, but she wasn't. She'd never intended to do anything but die there so that the Cullens would leave you alone long enough for me to have a chance to do what I'd been made for."

I listened to him, sick with the feeling that we'd should have known, that it should have been obvious that she wouldn't have given up so easily. Did we really think she would have ever willingly left us both alive? We'd been idiots. And we should have known better. Knowing how much Edward and I loved each other, how little anything else in the universe mattered to us, we'd been complete fools to think that Victoria could ever willingly leave this world without taking her revenge.

The hurt in Riley's eyes as he narrowed them at me made him look very young. His brow furrowed with determination as he spoke, though, and his words carried an unshakable resolve that was anything but childlike.

"I'm not going to let her down," he said. "I hate her sometimes for making me for this, but I love her all of the time, even now. If this is what she needs from me, if this is the only way I can love her, then I will kill you." He nodded, satisfied. He paused, then broke into a wide smile at some unknown thought. "And I'm going to do such a good job, Bella. If it were possible, I think she'd love me, at least a little, for what I'm going to do to you."

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EPOV

Bella was more than my gravity, and I was more than lost almost as soon as she'd closed the car door and pulled out. Being close to her had distracted me from the atmosphere and thoughts of the household more than I'd realized.

_I can't lose him. I can't. Oh god, no, no, no…_ Esme's thoughts were punctuated with sobbing that was audible from her bedroom.

_This is my fault. I should have realized that he was in trouble. I should have done something sooner…_ Carlisle was miserable with guilt, frantic with worry for his children and his wife, who was inconsolable.

Rosalie sat on the edge of a kitchen counter, her expression a mask of calm. Her thoughts, however, were desperate and pleading.

_I take it back, oh god, I take it all back. I love them both so much so much, and I should have been better to them, and oh god, I'm sorry. Just let them be okay and I'll try harder, I swear… _

Emmett didn't bother with mental self-castigation. His thoughts were action items, strategies for how and where we should search for Jasper. I understood, and wished it were that easy.

"We won't find him if he doesn't want to be found," I said.

Emmett looked at me sharply.

"We have to try," he said. "You heard him. You know what he's going to do."

Yes, I did, because I had done the same thing. Jasper was going to make certain that he could never endanger his mate and his family again. His phone call hadn't been intended for reconciliation, and it hadn't been intended for us. He had been trying to reach Alice, to say goodbye.

_This is my fault my fault my fault. Not again, god, not again. My family, I need my family. This is my fault…_

"It's not your fault, Rosalie," I said, guilt clenching inside of me like a fist. "It's mine."

Only her eyes moved as she looked at me, nothing in her face giving away her anguish.

"You're right," she said evenly. "I could have been nicer, sure, but you could have given Bella what she asked for, what your family needed, a long time ago. You couldn't have known it would get this bad, but you knew enough. You were so worried about keeping your own hands clean that you couldn't see what this situation was doing to them, and to all of us. So, yeah, Edward. If this goes badly, that's something that you can most certainly take some responsibility for."

I stared at her, stunned. Rosalie gave no sign that she noticed my reaction. She sighed, rubbing her temples with her fingertips.

Despite her words, her litany of bargaining and guilt continued in the background of her thoughts as she spoke again.

"I know you don't think I care about your feelings a lot of the time, but I do," she said in a detached voice. "I know you don't think I can understand how hard this is for you, choosing to change Bella, but I do. I really do." Her eyes flicked to Emmett briefly. "I had a choice with him, too, Edward. He couldn't even tell me yes or no. He couldn't tell me whether he thought he'd already lived a full life as was ready to move on to whatever was next. He couldn't tell me if he was a religious man, or if he thought my turning him would mean the loss of his soul. I didn't know if he had a wife, if maybe he'd rather just bleed to death and wait for her to catch up with him in heaven in a few decades."

"Rose…," Emmett said uncertainly. She ignored him and continued to speak. Her gaze became unfocused as she stared into the distance, remembering.

"In the end, I cared, but not enough to let him go. I knew that he would suffer. The memory of my change was still very fresh, you know. I knew that he might hate me before it was over, and that his hate might last forever. I knew that I would have to live with it if he did. Even if he didn't hate me, I would still have to live with the memory of his pain while he changed, the sound of his screams, the knowledge that I did that to him. He didn't scream as much as I did when I changed, I don't think, but I still remember every single sound he made. He asked me if he were in hell a few times, and why he'd been sent there. You remember that, Edward?"

"Yes," I hissed through clenched teeth. She was describing her own mate's pain, but my mind would only show me Bella, burning, screaming, begging for my help. I steadied myself against the wall, unable to imagine three days of that sight, that sound. The time would feel endless. The memory of it would be eternal.

Rosalie squeezed her eyes shut tightly for a moment, then looked at me. There was no anger there, only weary sadness.

"Edward, what I'm trying to tell you that it's never going to be easy. It's never going to be perfect. It's _right_ though, and you know damn well that it is. You're so much better off that I was, or Carlisle was, when we made this choice. Bella's given you her consent a hundred times. I know she's afraid, even if she didn't know it or wouldn't admit it before, but it doesn't change her decision. You know it doesn't. If you're planning on waiting until she's nothing but calm and happy as you open her throat with your teeth, then you're going to have to hope that she loses her mind for good sometime soon. Bella isn't typical, but she's still human, and she's still young. She's not a superhero, and it's not her job to be brave for you. You're the one who has to be brave here, Edward."

She paused, and her mind filled the pause with Emmett, broken and bleeding in her arms. In a few beats of silence, she recalled the ocean of thought and feeling that existed in the half minute or so it had taken her to decide that she would bring him to Carlisle, that she would keep Emmett for herself. When she spoke again, there were tears in her voice.

"You think I don't get it, what it's like to feel more selfish than you'd ever thought possible, to feel like a monster, a murderer, but I do. It's just how it is, though, Edward. I've loved as a human, and I've loved as a vampire, and there is no comparison. This need, this connection… It's enormous, overwhelming sometimes, and too beautiful to describe. It's so sweet, so amazing, and at the same time so real…" She shook her head as her words trailed off. "It's more than amazing, completely indescribable. Without a doubt, it's the very best thing about being what we are."

Emmett was suddenly in front of her, facing her as he took both of her hands in his, kissing them one by one. The love in his eyes was intense, a dark fire that I saw displayed openly between them only rarely. Rosalie smiled a little as she traced his face with her fingertips, seeing in her mind the way he'd looked human, when he was in her arms, dying and looking like he was sleeping.

_It's exactly the same,_ she thought. _The love…_

Then a ghost of pain flickered in her eyes, and her smile was gone.

"It isn't free, though, not for them, and not for us. To become like us, to be with us, they die burning. They leave behind the things and people they've loved before, and they learn to live in a completely new world. That's the price they pay." Her hand rested, almost reverently, against Emmett's cheek.

She leaned in and kissed him softly.

"I'd do it again," he whispered against her lips. "A thousand times."

Her gaze moved to me, and her eyes shone with conviction. She touched Emmett's face like a talisman, leaving her hand there as she spoke.

"It's not free for us, either, Edward. It never will be, no matter how long you wait or how careful you try to be. You're going to hurt her, and you're going to remember it forever. Even if it goes really well, there will still be days when she's sad and scared and you feel like the worst kind of criminal for doing this to her. But that's just how it is, and I'm not sure it should be any different. This _should_ be hard, Edward. It should be something that you dig deep and pay dearly for, because it's precious, and I think it might be the real reason we exist. I think it's made to cost a lot so that we'll never, ever treat it cheaply. Every time you look at her, every time you touch her, you should remember the price you both paid, and how damn important it is that you spend every day trying to get your money's worth."

Wordlessly, Emmett pulled her from the counter, gathered her close. He carried her upstairs, leaving me reeling in the kitchen.

My mind raced, pulling at a realization, a release, so close I could almost speak it. I suddenly needed her, needed to touch her, to tell her… I shook my head. The words weren't there, not yet, but I could feel them gathering. By the time she reached me, I would have them, I knew.

It wasn't complicated.

I knew.

I straightened up slowly, feeling suddenly lighter. I glanced at the clock, but it had barely been a half hour since she'd left. Working at human speed, it could take her hours to pack what she needed.

I didn't want to wait hours. I wanted to run to her now, tell her that I'm sorry, that—

The phone on the wall next to me rang loudly, startling me from my thoughts.

I couldn't say why my hand shook, just a little, as I lifted the receiver to answer it.

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_Nobody monologues like my Rosalie. Her blatant disregard for social niceties saves me countless tedious chapters of plot and character development. Good girl, Rose. Momma loves you._

_Your reviews distract me from how much potentially-productive time I spend writing a story that I have to keep secret from my friends, family, and various legal entities. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouragement._

_My therapist thinks that a lot of my issues will be resolved once I become aware of why it matters to me that you follow me on Twitter. Until then, I'm (at)bethesdagray  
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	23. Chapter 23

_A/N: Thank you, whynot, for your gradual morph from anonymous greenlighter to voice of reason and encouragement._

_Oh my goodness, I must announce that HDIL and I have been granted our fifteen seconds of TwiFic internet fame. I was reviewed and interviewed for So You Think You Can Write. Check it out: _sytycw (dot) blogspot (dot com) /2010/04/autumns-interview-with-bethesdagray

_Readers, you must believe that I love you, because I have devoted an entire weekend to writing the ending that you, and HDIL, deserves. No, it's not in this chapter._

_Your reviews continue to flatter and appall me. I hope you stay, because I have so much left to say…_

_Let's return to the story. That's what really matters, right? Subtext and metaphor and word pictures are all well and good, but in the end, we just want to know what the hell happens. _

_So, this is what happened…_

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BPOV

As I picked up the phone and began to dial Edward's number, all I could think about was time, how much I had, how much I needed. I needed Riley to stick with his plan to take me away alone if Charlie was going to live through this, and for that to happen I needed him to believe that this idea of his was actually going to work.

Three number, four numbers dialed now. Not enough time for me to stop and think, imagine how I could possibly make Edward believe what I had to say long enough to get through this phone call, out the door, away from the house.

Five numbers, six. Riley's eyes on me, his body frozen in a stillness that didn't let me forget his speed.

Edward had told me more than once that I was a terrible liar. He was right.

Except, once, I hadn't been. I'd lied to Charlie to save him, and I'd done it pretty well. Somehow, though, I didn't think that this would be quite so easy. I loved Charlie, but the fact was, he barely knew me. Edward was more than my life; he was me, the very best part of me, and it was hard to imagine him not seeing through this immediately.

The phone was ringing. At the Cullens', phones rarely rang more than once, and Edward's voice came over the line quickly, before the first ring had even finished.

"Bella?" he asked, and his voice was strange, disoriented almost. It was still his voice, though, and it was beautiful. I covered my mouth with my hand, struggling to hold back a sob.

Riley didn't move, but his frown deepened, just a little.

"Bella?" This time there was a trace of concern, a seedling that I knew could grow quickly into alarm, and would if I didn't act swiftly.

I'd lied to Charlie to save him. I'd hurt him to save him, because there wasn't any other way. The only way had been taking what he loved most and using it to dig at his deepest wounds. The only way to make my lie a good one had been to take his fears and make them real, to say that the voice that whispered those things to him for so many years had been right all along.

You can't change someone's beliefs in a moment. Not unless they've been working on doing that on their own for a long time before, and Edward had had centuries to do just that.

"I'm not coming back," I said. I forced myself to say the words quickly, before I could think about them.

There was a beat of silence, and then his voice, a rough whisper that seemed to come from very far away.

"What?"

"I can't, Edward." I cried while I talked. "I'm sorry. This just isn't going to work."

"Bella, what's going on? What happened? Are you all right?" The anguish was still there, but there was adrenalized suspicion working its way into it.

Riley heard it, too. Very deliberately, he touched a single fingertip to Charlie's neck, tracing a slow line downward.

_Victoria warned me not to touch any humans I didn't plan on killing._

My stomach lurched, and my words tumbled out in a rush.

"I can't forgive you, Edward," I said. "I thought I could… But it isn't going to work. I'm sorry."

There was silence for long moment, and then a small noise, like choking, or gasping for air.

"_Bella_…" The word was a bewildered plea, and I could hear behind it all of the things he wouldn't say to me, the one more chance he wouldn't beg for. His voice made a series of sounds that weren't quite words before he was able to speak again. "You belong with me."

I knew my line here. The room shifted around me as I spoke it.

"No, Edward. I don't."

The voice from the phone answered with a sob, and the sound was despair, surrender.

Part of me began to relax, knowing that I was doing what I needed to, explaining to an astronaut why the world was, in fact, flat. Another part of me was Juliet, and she cursed me, called me a heretic. She showed me her bloody dagger and told me that survival was wrong if it demanded the destruction of love. She kissed her husband's still-warm lips and begged me to understand that we are only flesh, and flesh will perish, and it _should_ perish if that's the price love asks of us.

_I'll die for you, Edward, but I'm not strong enough to take away your chance to survive this. I'm not strong enough to watch my father die. I'm sorry, Baby. I'm so sorry…_

I felt the weight of an infinite goodbye hovering over me, prepared to settle in my chest and stop my heart.

"I'm sorry, Edward. It's not that I can't forgive you. This isn't about forgiveness anymore… and it isn't up to me. I wanted to give us another chance, but there's just too much that isn't ever going to go away for us."

_I don't care,_ I screamed inside. _I don't care if it's never the same. This love is always, Edward. This love is whether it hurts or not, whether you return it or not, whether it's easy or hard or forever or just a few minutes. It doesn't have to be the same. It just has to be you._

"I know this isn't fair," I said, crying less now. The part of me that felt and loved and hurt was slipping away, pulling shades down tight. "You deserve better than this, better than me—"

"_No!" _

"—but I'm not strong enough. I have to go, to get away now. I need you to let me go. Please, Edward. Just let me go."

Bye the time I finished, my voice was a dead sound, flat and fading.

"I can't live without you, Bella."

Edward's voice matched mine, and I realized, too late, that I'd been a complete idiot to believe what he'd said to me when he left me in the woods last fall. He was dying, just as I'd been dying. Him without me was the same as me without him, and that meant dying.

For however much time that remained to me, I would know without doubt that Edward loved me, and that his love was just the same as mine. Irrevocable, non-negotiable, immense, and endless, his love matched mine exactly.

Riley gestured at a non-existent watch on his wrist and raised an eyebrow. _Tick tock, Bella._

Juliet wailed as she touched her love's cooling skin. So close. We had both come so close…

"You have to live without me," I said, the words both useless and necessary. "For your family, and… because you can't put that on me, Edward. I was almost killed before when you wanted to die. You can't do that to any of us again."

"I'm so sorry, Bella… Baby… I love you."

I clapped my hand over my mouth too late. My grief burst through the flimsy wall I'd built against it, and I sobbed violently.

"Bella?" Edward's frantic voice, his tears, pleading with me, straining to pull me back.

I glanced up at red, red eyes, angry, deciding…

"If you really loved me you'd have never come back to school after that first day," I said, my words punctuated messily with little gasps, choked cries. "If you really loved me you'd have left me alone. If you ever loved me, _you'll leave me alone now, Edward_."

That was it. I had nothing left. I was too hysterical to speak anymore, and I could feel that barely-healed fissure in my mind beginning to groan against the strain of the insanity I'd spouted. I imagined a little gap in the world where darkness peeked out, inviting me in. I was terrified, and I was tempted. I told the gap to wait for now as I gripped the phone so hard my fingers were going numb.

My world shrank rapidly to the size of a pinpoint, and then disappeared with a click as Riley took the phone from my hand and hung it up.

I was on the floor somehow, curled on my side, and there wasn't much left inside me. Juliet regarded me with disappointed eyes as she slipped her dagger back into its place in her chest and laid down in Romeo's unmoving arms.

_There's always a choice, Bella_, she said. _I said forever, and I meant it, even if that makes our marriage bed a slab in a tomb._

My slab was the tile of the kitchen floor, and I would rest here alone. My thoughts squandered a few of my last lucid moments as I wondered if dying for him was really the right way to love him, or if I should have screamed into the phone for him to come to me, to where he couldn't save me, but would at least find a place to rest in my arms and in the love that we had both died to keep whole.

* * *

EPOV

Confusion. Words that made complete sense and no sense at all. Bella's voice, pulling me in. Her words, pushing me away.

To hell with her words. I could be there in ten minutes, seven if I didn't worry about what human eyes saw. Six if I didn't mind breaking some things between here and there. I'd make it in six.

The front door flew open, and a blur of white skin and black hair suddenly solidified into my sister, looking worse than I'd ever seen her before.

Alice's eye's were black, wild, furious and afraid. She held my face in her hands without speaking, shaking her head urgently. Her face was inches from mine, and her eyes locked to mine as her mind screamed at me.

_You have to play along, Edward. She's dead if you don't. Her and Charlie both._

Play along? When Bella was crying, terrified, needing me?

"I can't forgive you, Edward. I thought I could… But it isn't going to work. I'm sorry."

My mind spun with questions, foremost among them how many pieces I would make of whoever was doing this to her.

Alice's thoughts demanded my immediate attention.

_He's a vampire, a newborn. Victoria made him, and he's going to kill Bella right now if he thinks you aren't buying it. Play along, Edward, and do a good job, and we get a little more time._

"Bella…" My voice struggled over everything I wanted to say to her. _Don't be afraid, and please, please don't be sorry. I'm coming for you. I'll always come for you, and if you thought for one minute that I would believe this, that I would just hang up this phone and give up on you—_

_Edward! _Alice glanced sharply from me to the phone and back again.

"You belong with me," I said, praying that this truth would be construed in a way that would let her live, just a little longer. I pleaded and prayed for just a little more time, one more chance, and god help me, she could flinch or cry or scream and it wouldn't stop me from using my teeth to bring her over, to safety and to eternity and to me. Please, god, one more chance.

_I have already been given so many chances_, I thought with a sinking heart. _So many more than I deserved._

"No, Edward. I don't."

She was a terrible liar, and not even a bloodthirsty newborn vampire could make her sell this line to me. I loved that she couldn't lie to me. Love too big to measure collided with fear too big to consider, and I began to sob.

"I'm sorry, Edward. It's not that I can't forgive you. This isn't about forgiveness anymore… and it isn't up to me. I wanted to give us another chance, but there's just too much that isn't ever going to go away for us."

_I don't care,_ I responded in my mind. _I don't need this to be perfect, and I don't need it to be easy, and I don't need it to be righteous. I just need you. I need you._

"I know this isn't fair," she was saying, her words plodding, automatic. "You deserve better than this, better than me—"

"_No!"_ I cried before I could think about it.

Alice shook her head hard. _Pay attention, Edward!_

"—but I'm not strong enough. I have to go, to get away, now. I need you to let me go. Please, Edward. Just let me go."

I knew that the safest thing to do was to agree with her, but I physically couldn't form the words. There was no such thing as goodbye, not when it came to Bella and me.

"I can't live without you, Bella." My eyes begged Alice for reassurance that I hadn't just killed my mate with the statement.

_It's all right,_ Alice thought after a brief pause. _He expected that. He's pleased with it. It hurt her._

It hurt her, so it drove me to my knees. My hand shook the effort not to crush the phone I still held.

"You have to live without me," Bella said, but there wasn't much force behind the words. She sounded exhausted, disconnected. "For your family, and… because you can't put that on me, Edward. I was almost killed before when you wanted to die. You can't do that to any of us again."

I wanted to kiss her for the pang of guilt her words caused me. _Yes,_ I wanted to say. _Hurt me, please hurt me if it will help you, if it will keep his hands off of you._

"I'm so sorry, Bella…"

…_That I'm not there, right now. _

…_That I thought of me and my own pain instead of your safety and our forever. _

…_That you are having to show me again how strong you are, how strong you've always been._

"Baby… I love you," I said.

My mind tried to rationalize that there was no goodbye in the words, only love, but couldn't quite convince me. The tearing in my chest was punctuated by sudden frantic weeping at my ear. That sound nearly destroyed everything. I was half-coiled to leap up, to run to her and to that sound, when Alice interrupted me, her thoughts hysterical.

_You kill her if you do, Edward! _

"Bella?" I wept, my entire body shaking.

Bella heard the question in my voice, and pushed it away quickly.

"If you really loved me you'd have never come back to school after that first day," she sobbed. "If you really loved me you'd have left me alone. If you ever loved me, _you'll leave me alone now, Edward_."

Every word she spoke was a lie as far as she believed, and if it called to any contrary beliefs of my own, I was glad. I welcomed each little stab because it didn't matter, I deserved it, and if it kept Bella alive, it would never be enough.

Bella was a ragged breathing in my ear now, and each breath was agony, and each breath was beautiful. She was terrified and hurting, but she was alive, and that meant there was still a chance for us.

A chance.

I'd only need one more. I swore it silently as the call ended with a click. Then I roared in fury.

* * *

BPOV

"Walk," Riley said, opening the front door.

My body rolled to my stomach, struggled to my hands and knees, and then to my feet. My legs carried my body forward jerkily, out the door, down the steps.

My body moved. My mind observed, understood. And that was all. There weren't tears anymore, and there wasn't feeling anymore. I floated free and watched a broken and dying girl follow an unnaturally beautiful boy to a red pickup truck. I watched her climb in without looking back at the house once. The truck started on the third try, and the transmission jerked as it pulled away from the curb and down the street.

Riley was smiling, singing under his breath and tapping out the rhythm lightly on my truck's steering wheel. I recognized the song as one that had been popular at school earlier that year.

I turned away from him, resting my cheek against the cold glass of the window next to me.

The gap before my eyes was bigger now, large enough to slip through. I let myself float closer, closer, until the darkness filled my vision almost entirely. The world was only a peripheral distraction now, allowing me to see the exact moment we turned off my street.

_Far enough_, I decided, and gave my silent consent to the oblivion ahead. It wrapped around me obligingly, giving me nothingness, making me nothing. It was a small change, really, and I could only feel grateful as I sank into it deeply.

* * *

_Reviews let Riley know that his music sucks and he'll never drive like a Cullen._

_I Twitter, and there will be teases popping up frequently as I write through the next few days. I'm hoping to finish this thing, if you can believe it. Find me (at) bethesdagray._


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: _I'm kind of falling in love with this story. Yes, that's sort of late in the game, considering I've been authoring it since January, but this chapter has me remembering the awe and wonder of being picked up and taken for a ride by a tale._

_I know that many of you are feeling as though you're being taken for a ride, too. I walk a fine line sometimes between listening to your reviews and gathering what benefit my writing can take from them and ignoring your pleas for speedy and simple resolution so that I can write HDIL as it demands and as I must. I do feel the need, though, to acknowledge how much many of you have invested emotionally in this story. It humbles me, and even makes me feel guilty now and then._

_What lets me move past that guilt is the hope that this story is helping you ask some of the same questions I've been able to ask myself as I've written it. HDIL has been, for me, a journey from disillusionment and cynicism to mercy and hope. Before I was able to picture the world outside my window as something that contained love and compassion, I could picture such things for Edward and Bella. Before I could begin to forgive the people who had broken my heart, I could walk through the process with these characters, practicing. I truly wasn't kidding when I said that this story was a therapy project for me; I go back and read old chapters and realize how broken I was, and how much more I can imagine for myself at this point in my journey._

_There's a big question in this chapter. I had the whole thing written, and found myself stuck on Juliet's answer to Bella's "Why?" question. I did answer it, though, and this feels like the right answer for me. I wonder, though, what other answers my readers might have. I would love for you to share them for me, because, when it comes to "Why do we still love after the hurting?" we can always use a few more answers._

_Thank you, super duper validation beta whynot. You're words of wisdom have kept me from poisoning my own personal well at times, and I'm grateful._

_Oh, and there were some great guesses, but Riley was, in fact, singing "Watcha Say" by Jason DeRulo while he drove Bella's truck really poorly. That song was everywhere the summer of my phenomenal heartbreak, and just imagining him humming that crap makes me want to write a killer meteorite into the plotline and end this whole thing with a big musical number. But I won't._

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EPOV

Alice's arms were locked around me, keeping me in place when I would have run.

"Emmett!" she cried as her hold on me faltered. His arms held me an instant later, his strength settling the question with more finality than hers had.

"Why didn't you call me?" I demanded, still struggling. "I let her go, Alice! _I let her go!"_

The world was gray and black one moment, a senseless jumble of color the next. Alice's face swam in my vision, still close. I saw Rosalie's wide eyes just beyond her.

"I tried," she said, running her hand through her hair as she straightened up. "My phone isn't working. I went through a river or something." I noticed for the first time that her clothes were wet.

"We have to go!" I said. "We have to get over there, now!"

"They're already gone," she said, her voice strained. "I can't see where they're going, not yet. I see trees, maybe mountains?" She shook her head. "I can't tell where it is."

Every passing second pounded into me like a blow.

"I can't do nothing, Alice," I growled. "He has her! He took her—"

"I _know_!" she shouted. "I know that he took her! And I didn't see it, not until I was almost here, and now…" Her eyes flew wide, and her thoughts scrambled, but it was too late. I saw.

Bella's blood on Alice's hands, her mouth, in her hair. Bella screaming, struggling, gasping, and then lying still. Alice drinking Bella, wanting to stop, not stopping. Bella, white, cold, and then more screaming, Alice this time.

"What the _hell_, Alice?" I cried, and Emmett very nearly lost his grip on me. "You were going to try to change her? Yourself? _Alone?"_ My anger was huge, and it didn't care that she was my sister, or that she had just saved Bella's life. "You would have killed her!"

Alice sank to the floor in front of me, sobbing. "I'm sorry, Edward. It was the only way. I couldn't see anything else that would make him try again… I wasn't _sure_ that she'd die; sometimes I saw her alive… Sometimes…"

"_Sometimes!"_ I redoubled my efforts to break free. Carlisle's strength suddenly joined Emmett's, denying me murder.

Alice didn't appear to notice any danger. She wrapped her arms around herself, as if to keep from coming apart, and curled up on her side.

"I can't lose him!" she cried. There was no music in her voice anymore, only a chilling, desperate edge. "Can't. He thinks he's going to hurt me if he stays… But _nothing_ can hurt more than this! I know it's wrong, and I know it's dangerous, and _I don't care!_ You changed your mind, again, and _it's not right!_ I won't let him die for you or for her. I won't!"

"And I won't let you become a killer for me."

Six sets of eyes turned to the doorway, where Jasper stood. Esme let out a broken cry, and Carlisle almost released me in his shock.

Jasper looked about how Alice did – dirty, battered, at his limit. His eyes rested tenderly on her for a moment, then hardened as they shifted to me.

"You will control what you are feeling right now or I will take it from you and use it to tear you apart before you have a chance to save Bella." His words were calm and precise, and they matched his thoughts exactly. Jasper rarely said anything other than what he meant.

"She was coming back to bite Bella," I said, knowing that he didn't care. "She would have killed her, and she knew it!"

"I don't care," Jasper said.

He turned his attention from me and went to where Alice was still curled, shaking, on the floor. She stared at him with wide, disbelieving eyes as he knelt beside her and pulled her into his arms.

"I didn't see this," she whispered.

He laughed through tears. "You give me way too much credit, then. I knew what I should do, but..." He shook his head helplessly. "I had to see you again, Alice. I had to know that you were all right."

"But I'm not!" she squeaked. Her arms slipped up and around his neck, clinging to him as she sobbed into his chest.

"Shhh… I know you're not," he said, stroking her back. "I feel it, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She gasped and pulled back from him suddenly.

"You're going to stay!"

"Yes."

"But, how—"

"Because I don't care anymore," he said. He held her face between shaking hands. "I look at you, and I feel like dirt for hurting you, but that's okay. I'm okay with feeling like dirt if that's what you need."

"_Don't_," she said harshly. "Don't feel like dirt for me. Don't be like Edward. I don't need that. I need you to forgive yourself. I need you to let me love you, to make you feel good."

"I can do that," he breathed, and brought his mouth down on hers.

Esme was crying, mentally struggling against the need to run to them, squeeze them, threaten them with violence if either of them ever tried anything like that again. It was what she did.

Carlisle had let me go, and, when he realized I wasn't struggling anymore, Emmett did as well. I shouldered past them and walked from the room on unsteady legs, no destination in mind other than away from this outpouring of love. Their thoughts were joyous, only for each other, and it burned me like fire.

They made it look so simple, to just forget the pain and choose for love. What made me sick was the knowledge that they were absolutely right. It was simple, really. You either choose for love, or you don't, and later wish that you had.

I burned with wishing that I had.

I didn't realize I had made it all the way to the living room, to my piano, until Alice's mind sang out to me urgently, making me shatter keys under my hands.

_I know where they're going! I can see her!_

She showed me, and I ran.

* * *

BPOV

Somewhere, I sat crosslegged in the grass. A cliff's edge was a few yards in front of me. The edge of the forest was a few yards behind. The sky was overcast, and a restless breeze blew my hair around my face. It was nice here, and I wasn't alone.

Juliet peeked over the edge of the cliff, down to where I could hear waves breaking against rock.

"Really?" she asked. "You jumped?"

"Yup," I said. "Went right over."

She shook her head, absently stroking the hilt of the dagger in her breast. "I like my way better."

I shrugged.

"How long do we stay here?" I asked, more in the spirit of making conversation than in actual needing to know.

"For however long you have left," she said, settling on the grass beside me. "You're almost to where you're going. He's getting excited."

I frowned. "Does he bite me?"

"No, he thinks you're dirty or something. He hasn't shut up about it for the entire drive. What a conversationalist – you're catatonic and it hasn't slowed him down a bit."

We both laughed until Juliet had to wipe at her eyes with a corner of her skirt.

"He's going to leave you in the woods," she said, growing serious. "More than dead, he wants you to be alone, unloved, like him. He knows that's where you were… before."

I nodded, thinking.

"He's just going to leave me there?"

It seemed awfully chancy to leave me there alive.

"You're not going anywhere, Dear," she said, glancing around us pointedly. "You've lost it for good this time. And it's not like he's leaving you in your backyard. No one is going to find you accidentally out here. Plus he has Charlie's handcuffs."

I felt a flutter in my chest, almost fear, not quite.

"I guess it's a good day to be crazy," I said.

"That's the spirit," Juliet said, patting my shoulder. Somewhere nearby, a bird was singing.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Don't you know?"

I shook my head.

"Everything here is you, Bella, or at least a part of you. That includes me. I'm the part of you that actually gets what loving Edward means."

"I love Edward," I said, irritated. "I don't have to be covered in blood to know how to do that."

She tilted her head. "Are you sure, Bella? Love is bloody sometimes."

"He doesn't want that from me," I said.

"He's been wrong before," she said. "And since I know that, you do, too. You went over that cliff just to hear his voice one more time. You took him back after he humiliated and abandoned you, and you never thought twice about it. You want him to kill you so that you can stay with him. So don't pretend that I'm the only one here who's taken extreme measures in the defense of love."

The wind shifted suddenly, and it was colder. The sky began to darken overhead. The birds fell silent. I wrapped my arms around me against the chill.

"It's no good, though. I did everything I could, and it isn't going to matter. I'm going to die, and in the freaking woods of all places, and he's going to lose his mind and go kill himself, and none of it will have mattered."

"You're right, and you're completely wrong," she said. "Yes, you're going to die, and you know that he won't survive that. But that doesn't have anything to do with what matters, Bella."

My forehead wrinkled as I pondered her words, feeling as though I were puzzling out a difficult math problem.

"The love," I finally said.

"Yes."

"That's what matters." I nodded, then frowned. "But why does it, if neither of us is around to enjoy it? Why does love matter if we fail at it so often, so easily? If it can be taken away at any second?"

Juliet rolled her eyes a little.

"Seriously?"

I exhaled impatiently.

"Yeah, seriously. If this is really all in my head, then I think I can ask whatever questions I want."

Juliet looked at me, annoyed, and her eyes were blue, but then they seemed to melt, grow darker, until they were chocolate brown. My eyes.

"You want love to be certain," she said. "You want it to be unbreakable, when absolutely nothing else in the world is. That's stupid. My god! We're up on a cliff that's been carved out of a mountain by the ocean. Not even a _mountain_ is a certain thing, Bella. You want to know why we should love in such a fragile world, but your question is also your answer. We love _because_ it's fragile. It's not our job to make it certain, because no one can do that. It's our job to love extravagantly, to forget about what's around the next corner, forget about fear, and just love with everything we have in the moment we're in, because it's the only moment we'll ever be guaranteed."

Thunder rumbled in the distance, and a subtle vibration began to shake the ground.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Juliet glanced around us.

"I'd say that you're closer to the end of all of this," she said. "It gets darker when you're close."

I felt a sudden pinching feeling in my arm and grabbed it reflexively.

"He broke it," she said matter-of-factly. "Getting you out of the truck. He's going to run with you now, because that's faster. It's a risk, though, because he doesn't have great control—"

I gasped, feeling the wind knocked out of me.

"Yup," she said. "Your ribs, five or six of them. And there's something wrong with how you're breathing, too. He wanted to take you farther, but I think he's going to leave you soon. It's really important to him that he leaves you while you're still alive, you know, so you die alone."

"I'm dying," I said. I could breathe again once I remembered that breathing wasn't necessary here.

"Yes."

I craned my neck, trying to get a view of the water beyond the edge of the cliff.

"Do you think I'll hear Edward again if I jump?" I asked.

She smiled. "No, I don't, but I love that you asked."

* * *

Jacob POV

_Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie…_

I said his name over and over in my brain, needing to hold onto the idea that I was looking for him, going to see him, and not—

I stumbled, swore. Her name had only flashed in my mind for an instant, but it was enough to let Sam's order take hold. I wasn't allowed to go to her, to look for her.

But I could look for Charlie.

_Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie…_

Thinking only that word, I managed to start walking again, and then running toward _Charlie's_ house.

I had changed back to human. It was slower, but I didn't need Sam hearing my thoughts (even the ones I was trying really hard not to think) and butting in with more orders.

And even human, I was pretty fast.

I found Charlie sweeping glass from his sidewalk.

"What happened?" I asked, staring at the empty window frame.

He shook his head. "I'm not sure. I think I threw something, when she…"

He shook his head again, swallowing hard.

"Bella isn't here, Jacob," he said. His eyes told me to go away.

"I wasn't looking for her," I lied. "I just wanted—"

My words dropped away without warning. I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach, and I didn't know how I'd managed to miss that smell, even for a minute.

"Who was here?" I asked through clenched teeth. "One of them? The Cullens?"

But that was wishful thinking. I knew it wasn't the Cullens. Their scents were permanently burned into my memory, and this one… It was a bloodsucker I'd never met.

"No, Jacob," Charlie said. "Bella left here alone. Edward broke up with her again, and she was angry…" He blinked, a confused expression on his face. "I guess she's the one who broke the door." He frowned at the statement.

I frowned too, because it didn't make any sense. Bella didn't break doors, and someone who was looking at Bella the way Edward was this morning didn't drop her later that afternoon. My stomach turned as I pictured them as a couple, but that wasn't as bad as picturing her with another vampire, one who wanted more than sex from her.

We had been searching for weeks for a vampire who was out to kill Bella. The smell told me that this vamp wasn't our girl, but it was still too much of a coincidence for me to relax. And, if this vampire did want Bella dead, she very likely already was.

I suddenly needed for that not to be true, because I needed to tell her that I was wrong. Bella dead was not better than Bella the vampire. I didn't care anymore if she were evil and smelled bad and never, ever loved me – I just needed her to live.

It took me several minutes, but I finally managed to force her name, her face, from my mind and focus only on the lingering scent the strange vampire had left behind. I didn't bother saying anything to Charlie before I started running.

I couldn't track her, but I could damn well track that thing.

* * *

_Any communication asking me if this is going to turn into a Bella/Jacob story will be glared at with extreme prejudice._

_Reviews make me happy. Sometimes true is better than clever._

_If you're okay with relinquishing any illusion of me being virtuous or cool, come follow me on Twitter: (at) bethesdagray_


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N: Begin with gratitude. Thanks to whynot, for validating my chapters, for being patient, for encouraging me to be brave, for calling me strong when I just felt scared. You are one of life's good surprises, something that must never, ever be undervalued._

_So, I have been reminded that even fic writers don't get to opt out of this life thing entirely. And, to quote my sweet Alice, life is fucking uncertain. Just as you can't count on the good things sticking, you can't get too comfortable in your valleys. _

_I'm going to make this brief, because, as per usual, I am writing this in the immediate aftermath of a big emotional moment. I know this has nothing to do with HDIL, and you've likely already skipped past this just to see if I was a bitch and killed Bella off, but I sort of feel like this has everything to do with HDIL. I feel today as thought HDIL is only a story within a story, and somewhere out there a larger author struggled with the decision of where to steer me for the next chapter._

_See, I met someone shortly before I posted the last chapter. And I did the last thing a smart woman does after she's been burned in a big way – I fell in love. I held his hand and kissed him in my kitchen and laughed in bed with him and watched him sleep while the sun came up. I drank him in like water, and oh boy, was I thirsty. He was beautiful and smart and kind, and almost everything I needed._

_Almost._

_It was a case of close but not quite. Close enough to make me hope. Close enough for me to hate myself as I spoke the words, "I love you. It's okay; I know you don't. I just had to say it." Yeah, I did. Really._

_But, in the end, I found I'd outgrown my own personal cliff, and I stepped back. I said no. I gave up the strawberry picking and Mother's Day roses and kissing like maniacs during the curtain call at _Rent_ because, really, "I love you" should be a celebration, not a eulogy._

_Today I let him go, all the way. I'm a little angry, and a lot sad. I'm a little discouraged, but not entirely without hope._

_You will likely not be surprised to hear that Bethesda is not the name on my birth certificate. I chose it ages ago for endeavors such as these because I loved its meaning – "house of mercy." And there is still mercy in the world. There is _always_ mercy in the world. Even now, even today, even alone in my bed where he once fell asleep with his hand tangled up in my hair… Even so._

_So, yeah. I have a not-quite-broken, but certainly bruised, heart. Just the impetus I need to finish this thing. As I told the awesome people who follow me on Twitter, you all should send him a thank-you card._

_No pity, please. If you're going to review (and please do), review the story. I blog and whine enough about my own life; HDIL needs some love. See, the thing is, I feel as though I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I know what I need to know now. This is… right._

_I hope that, as you read, you'll agree._

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EPOV

A little over three years ago, Emmett and I went hunting in a wilderness area about fifty miles outside of Forks. As is often the case, our hunt became a competition. We made a wager on who would take the largest prey; the loser would be sentenced to a year of responsibility for manufacturing the correspondence necessary to pass for human in a small town. Faced with the prospect of buying birthday cards, instigating credit card applications, and choosing this home's "of the month" memberships (Alice had suggested jam, while Rosalie voted for adult films), he and I had battled fiercely. I'd won with a female black bear the size of a small car, but not before we'd split a huge boulder down the middle as we tussled over the kill.

Alice had seen our sparring, as well as the ultimate outcome. Emmett had returned home to a gift basket filled with stamps, envelopes, catalogues, and a list of suggested names for our fictional friends and relatives. I still get Christmas cards from Phil McKrackin.

Now, as I ran, I thanked any higher power listening for our ridiculous bet. Alice had remembered that rock we'd damaged, and when she'd seen a vision of the newborn carrying Bella past it, she'd finally known where to send me. I ran faster than I ever had, but it felt so slow. Time outpaced me easily, taking Bella from me even more inexorably than Victoria's child.

Along with Bella's location, Alice had shown me Bella herself. Her eyes were open, but unseeing. She lay limp and pale in the arms of her kidnapper, and did not react as he battered her in his haste.

I passed the abhorrent time with fantasies of how I would kill him. I imagined the bonfire I would build. In my mind, I kissed Bella's cheek as I handed her the match to toss.

Before I reached the rock I was seeking, I crossed their scent. It led me up the mountain, where it grew stronger, surrounded me. Not blood, though, and not dead. Oh, thank you god, not dead.

I drew closer, calling her name.

* * *

BPOV

Black clouds were rolling across the sky now, lightening flashing among them. The earth was shaking more, making me uneasy.

"Why is it like this?" I asked. "If I'm making this place, then I'd like it to be a little nicer."

Juliet sat beside me with her hands propped behind her on the grass, her head tilted back, her eyes closed.

"Apparently not," she said. "This is more than just dying, Bella. You're wrecking it."

"But why would I do that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she said, glancing at me. "I guess you're braver than I thought."

"What do you mean?"

"You're bailing on the peaceful death. You don't want to stay here."

"Do I have a choice?" I asked.

"There's always a choice, Bella," she said, just as a large chunk of cliff broke away with a cracking sound and fell into the ocean below.

I frowned.

"You said that before, but it's not true. I didn't choose for Riley to show up, and I didn't choose to lose my mind."

"Didn't you?" she asked. I stared at her and waited, but she didn't offer anything more.

It began to rain. The icy drops stung as they hit my face, and a deep chill worked its way through me.

"I don't like this. I want the sun back. I want the birds back. I want it to be nice here." I knew I was whining and didn't care. Fear was becoming real, and that was just unfair. Nothing was supposed to be real here.

"No, you don't," she said, clearly unbothered by both the rain and my whining. She didn't move as her dress was soaked, but I was shivering from head to foot.

"Why?" I asked. "Why is this happening? And why are you so happy here?"

She snorted. "Brave, but not that bright. Look around, Bella. The dagger, the cliff… This is my story, my ending. Romeo was the light in my universe. I chased that light for every moment I could, and the closest I got to it was when we died together. That was how our love triumphed, and it did triumph, whatever the critics may say. So, yeah, this place pretty much feels like home for me."

"But not for me," I said. "Even though I'm dying for love, too. Why doesn't this feel right anymore?"

"Maybe you're not the same girl you were the last time you stood on this cliff, Bella. Maybe this isn't the best you can do anymore. And Charlie Swan's daughter always does her best, doesn't she?"

I shook my head helplessly.

"Come on, Bella," she urged, sitting up and leaning closer to me. "You made the cliff. You made the knife. And now, you're making the rain. You _know_ this."

I watched how the rain washed over Juliet's blonde hair, making it look darker, and then darker still. Chestnut brown.

"I made the rain… because I don't want it to end this way," I said, realizing the words and speaking them in the same moment. "Not with the cliff." As that choice disappeared, the only remaining one became clear. The rain slowed to a dim trickle. "I have to go back."

Juliet sighed, nodded.

"I don't die for him?" I said.

"Not like this," she said. "Not if you don't want to."

"Is he… Riley. Is he still there?"

Juliet nodded.

I looked around me at the rapidly deteriorating landscape. The trees had shed their leaves, and the grass had died beneath me. Pieces of the cliffside were falling into the water in irregular succession, leaving less ground between me and the edge.

"You said there's always a choice. I can choose to leave this place. How? The cliff?"

I imagined making that leap, again.

"Oh, no, you don't," Juliet said, laughing. "Not if you're trying to wake up. That's an act of courage, and your little stunt with the cliff last week was certainly not."

Of course not. Jumping had been me giving up, accepting that I was never going to be whole again. It had been me loving him the only way I knew, by breaking for him. It had been one of the most cowardly things I'd ever done.

"If I go over now, I don't wake up," I said. "I die."

"Yes."

"But, if I go back…"

Juliet's eyes narrowed with worry.

"I wish I could tell you what happens out there, but once you leave, you're on your own. I will say that it's getting hard to breathe. You can taste blood."

I closed my eyes, drew a long breath. She was right. There's always a choice.

The last sound I'd heard had been beautiful. It had been Edward's voice telling me that he loved me. I wanted to hold that moment forever, for however long that was for me. I didn't want to dirty it with Riley's voice, the things he would say as he tried to erase that beauty. I didn't want to feel the pain of my broken body. I didn't want to feel afraid, and I didn't want to be alone in the woods as my heart stopped beating. Not again.

"You can stay," Juliet said. "Just decide that's what you want, and it will stop. The sun will come back, the birds. I'll stay here, wait with you until it's over."

Until it's over. Until I died.

Yes, it would be easy that way. And it would be wrong.

"No."

"Then you know what you need to do," she said, and as she spoke, I watched her clothing shimmer and change. Her voluminous gown became jeans, sneakers, a pale blue long-sleeved t-shirt ruined with the stain of her blood. My clothes.

"I think I do," I said, eyeing the dagger protruding from her. I reached for it, my hands shaking a little. I suddenly, absurdly, felt rude. "Um, do you mind?" I asked.

She cocked her head at me. "Why are you asking _me_, Bella?" she said, and glanced pointedly at my chest.

My eyes went wide as I looked down at my saw the hilt of a dagger, its position in me exactly that of Juliet's in her.

Understanding rushed through me as I touched the knife in my breast. It didn't hurt; after all, I'd held it there almost since I'd met him. I ought to be used to it by now. It had probably hurt at the beginning, this suffering for his sake, but it didn't hurt as much as the fear I'd felt as I oh-so-briefly considered the possibility that he loved me with cause. I'd killed that fear quickly with a compromise, a silent agreement that would let me keep him without believing him. It was simple, really. I simply had to suffer as much as it took to deserve that love.

I had found that, in the end, only dying would come close. I'd imagined that it was the only gift I could manage that was worthy of him. After all, who was I?

But who couldn't love someone who was willing, almost eager, to die for you? I'd prayed that not even he could resist such devotion, and as I did, I had nearly destroyed the very thing he'd loved to begin with.

Another thing I'd gotten wrong.

I had been trying so hard to love him, and through all of it, I could only manage to bleed for him. But that wasn't what he wanted from me; it wasn't what he needed. Though, if I were being honest, it was easier. The alternative was dreaming that I deserved him; that I could reasonably hope to keep him. Just the thought of such daring faith made my heart pound with longing and fear. The dagger quivered slightly in response.

"You're starting to get it now," Juliet said, stroking my hand where it rested on my dagger. "You aren't me, your story isn't mine, and love isn't always at its best when it's bloody. Edward loves you, Bella. If I know that, then you do, too. He'd want you even if he didn't need you. He aches for you just as much when you're sitting beside him, happy and safe, as he does when he's moving heaven and earth to save your life. You don't have to be sorry for wanting that, just _wanting it_, just for yourself. You don't need to be in trouble to justify his attention, and you don't need to make this thing a tragedy to keep it whole."

I blinked, and my mouth hung open for a moment before I managed to form words.

"I don't need this anymore," I said to the dagger.

Juliet's eyes shone as she moved, smiling, to cup my face between her hands.

"Oh, Bella," she said. "You never did."

I could have cried with relief, and with terror. Instead, the surprising sound of my own laughter filled my ears as I wrapped my fingers around the hilt of the blade and began to pull.

The warm sensation of Juliet's hands on my face melted away, and the false world around me spun and vanished.

I was still laughing as I opened my eyes and gazed into Riley's red ones, inches from me. And, in that first instant, I swear I saw fear in them. I nearly laughed harder, but a crushing pain stopped me, twisted the sound into a gasp.

I was lying on my side on the ground, my wrists cuffed behind my back. I hurt everywhere, but particularly around my torso. Each breath I took felt like I'd been stabbed, and I could indeed taste blood at the back of my throat. I struggled to take short, shallow breaths, and to hold back my panic.

Riley opened his mouth to speak, but his words were cut off by a cry, distant but wonderful.

"_Bella!"_

Edward. How was it him? I'd worked so hard to make certain he was far away from this. Still, I didn't think twice before I tried to call out to him.

My would-be cry guttered out almost soundlessly. The world spun around me as a new wave of pain rushed in. I coughed, and a spatter of pink foam landed on Riley's face.

He hissed and flew backward, stopping a few yards away. His fists were clenched at his sides, and he trembled from head to toe.

"Bitch!" he said through clenched teeth. "I'm _not_ going to taste you. I'm not! I told you that! I promised her. But… But!" His features lit up. "Do you want to watch him die?"

I shook my head hard, felt dizzy, sick. Riley nodded vigorously.

"Yeah," he said. "Stay here and watch, Bella. Oh, this is even better than I hoped."

He was gone with a rush of air, and I was left staring into the darkness of the forest.

For one long moment, there was nothing but the night around me, the earth beneath me, and the relentless throbbing pain in my chest. Every awful thing in the world lived in that moment, and I paid for the sob I let out with a fresh dose of agony from my ribs.

Then alone was gone as if it had never been. Edward crouched over me, touching me, trying not to touch me.

"Bella, oh my god, Baby," he said, weeping. "I'm going to get you out of here. I'm going to fix—"

Even if there'd been time, I didn't have breath to form his name before Riley flashed from the trees and caught Edward from behind in a crushing embrace.

"Watch this, Bella!" Riley said, and began to squeeze. I watched Edward struggle. I watched his struggles do nothing to budge the monster's arms around him.

I did manage to get Edward's name out then, and I barely felt the answering flash of pain as I did. There was a terrible cracking sound, the sound I'd heard as the cliff in my mind had started to crumble. It wasn't me breaking this time; it was him. Edward's face went suddenly blank, and his struggles ceased. And still Riley continued to squeeze.

"No!" I screamed, but my scream was only a squeak punctuated by a gurgle. The world grayed around me, but I coughed, spit blood, and ordered the darkness back. My eyes stayed locked to Edward's face, now that of a statue, beautiful and impassive. I tried to scream again, tried to tell the world 'no,' but couldn't even manage a squeak this time.

"This! This is how it ends for all of us, even you, Bella!" Riley said, pausing long enough to savor his moment.

That pause killed him. A snarling mass of red fur hurtled by over my head and slammed into Riley and Edward, knocking them apart. The huge wolf with red fur ignored Edward, who fell with a thud to the earth a few feet in front of me. Jacob instead fell on Riley, tearing him to pieces with viscous speed.

"Edward!" I rasped.

I tried to move, to somehow scoot myself closer to him. I cried out as I rolled against my broken arm. The world blurred, swam, and the darkness didn't seem very impressed by my resistance this time.

But then he moved, and that meant he wasn't dead, and that made the pain in my arm nothing, less than nothing.

In the next instant he was closer, touching me, saying my name again and again. The cuffs on my wrists snapped apart with a flick of his fingers, and then he was holding me. It hurt, oh my god it hurt when he moved me, but I was smiling even as I cried from the pain.

His face was a study in agony and need as he took in the sight of me.

"Just one chance…" he whispered.

His eyes flicked to the side for the briefest instant, and though he didn't address me, he spoke loud enough for me to hear him easily, a shout for a vampire's ears.

"I need you now, Carlisle," he said, paused. "Jacob is here. He got the newborn." He paused again, nodded slightly. "Don't help him. He wants to take care of this himself. Let him have that."

Edward leaned closer, brushing his lips over my face.

"You're going to be okay," he murmured.

"Yeah," I said, reaching with my good arm to touch his cheek, feel the chill there. Wonderful. There was nothing as wonderful as the feel of him, just like this…

"Carlisle is coming. He'll help you."

"No," I said.

I coughed and quickly swallowed the blood that came up. Edward flinched anyway; he smelled the blood despite my best efforts to keep it to myself. I smiled again, shaking my head. I didn't think I could speak anymore. There wasn't enough air, and there was more and more blood…

He studied my face for a long moment, a century of struggle playing out over his features.

"No?" he said at last. There was despair in the word, and a depthless hope.

One word, then. I could manage one more word.

"No," I said.

He leaned closer, and this time he didn't need to move me to reach my neck. My head fell back as soon as he stopped supporting it. I stared up at the sky, clear and gloriously full of stars. A razor-thin slice of a waxing moon hung there.

Edward's lips touched my neck, and I waited for the fear, the questions, the confusion. What I felt, though, was nothing. This was the bottom, the last of me. I'd been poured empty, and there was nothing left for me but to wait for him to make me emptier still.

_All of it,_ I thought as his mouth opened against me. _I'm finished here, Edward. Take it all._

"I love you, Bella," he said, his voice shaking. I had a moment to regret my inability to answer him.

And then pain, white hot, the first and last of its kind.

* * *

_Yes. Epilogue soon, and still much left to say before I leave them alone._

_Please share your thoughts on this with me (read: review)._

_Follow me on Twitter if you want to enjoy some of my less coherent thoughts on love, life, and Twilight. – (at) bethesdagray_


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N: I hate it when I sit down to write and realize I've lied to readers in my last note. HDIL apparently had another chapter to go before the epilogue. No way around it. _

_But after this, epilogue for sure. _

_It's so hard to believe that this is almost over. This is the longest story I've ever written, and even though my attention has wavered more than once, I am so glad to be seeing it through to the end. I'm so grateful to everyone who has read along from the beginning._

_I'm grateful, too, for whynot, who has made my life one more spirit strong. Thank you for your honesty, support, and continued commitment to Twilighted's authors._

_No commentary this time. Chapter 26 stands on its own or not at all… _

_

* * *

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EPOV

I'd forgotten it so quickly, the taste of her. A year, after all, was only almost no time for a creature like me. A creature. _Yes_. The slim part of my mind unaffected by her blood observed me, huddled over Bella's body with my mouth on her throat, and remarked that I'd never looked less human.

The much larger part of me that was drinking Bella, swallowing her blood in deep gulps even as I drew more from her, cared not at all how I looked. This part of me had been beaten back too many times to be distracted, even for a moment, from the opportunity to finally take what belonged to it, to me.

_Her_ – all of her. Every cell in my body rejoiced with the certainty that it would stop with no less.

The blood was glorious. It made the human experiences I'd lost and subsequently tried to imitate feel stale, transparent, more than half imagined. Nothing had been real before this – not family, not love, nothing. The blood was the earth, the air, the beginning and the end. The blood made sense of the world, took hold of the indecision and turmoil that had been my life and choked it dead. The blood was more than pleasurable, and it was more than food; it was the reason I existed.

_You are my life now…_ I heard my own words, a lifetime old, and knew that they were true. She was what I had been born for. She was why every day had hurt, why every night had been endless, why nothing was ever easy or plain. I hadn't been living, only barely existing while I waited for her… for this.

Her body writhed and jerked against me as I drank. I barely noticed.

Was this really the same blood as before? Could it really have been so sweet, so agonizingly pure? It didn't seem possible. After all, before, I'd actuallystopped! It was unthinkable now, and somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered at the difference. There had been less then, certainly, just a few sips from her hand, and that taste had been tainted with morphine and the venom of another. This, though, now, was hot, pumping, and tasted only of her.

It was beautiful, perfect.

If I could hear her voice, whimpering and gasping, the sound only let me know that she was still alive, that this wonderful blood was still flowing in her. If I could feel her touching me, her fingertips fluttering against my cheek, my neck, I was only further inflamed by the frantic, prey-like movements. If I could feel her skin growing cooler, her muscles weaker… Well, I simply didn't care.

"Enough, Edward! The venom is in her! Stop now or you'll kill her!"

The sound of my father's voice was only marginally more important to the thing I'd become. I recognized that he could stop me, take the blood. This blood, her blood… _My_ blood. My eyes, no doubt crimson by now, shot up to meet his, and I hissed at him in warning, breaking contact with her neck for only an instant before I returned to that source.

"Carlisle, Emmett – hold onto me!"

Jasper now, shouting. Nothing important.

"No, Jasper! You can't!" Alice cried.

"I can help him! Don't let go of me, no matter what!"

Bella was quiet now. She trembled a little in my arms, but that was all.

The blood still flowed, though with less force. Her heart was still beating, sending more and more of her to my waiting lips. That slim, untouchable voice of logic informed me that, once that heartbeat stilled, and it would do so very soon, my purpose would be gone. It would be the end of us both. If she was my singer, I was her song. Without her, there would be only silence.

I didn't care, couldn't care. I slowed my drinking only slightly, struggling for enough discipline to prolong the last few moments of this ecstasy.

And then, suddenly, my joy was gone, sucked from me without warning. Bella still lived, her blood still flowed, but its power was gone. The taste had not changed, but my endless, uncontrollable lust had abruptly stilled. In its place rose up the terrible knowledge that my thirst had deceived me. A moment ago I'd believe I had finally _become_, finally triumphed over every real and imagined struggle I had ever faced. In truth, I had simply been killing her.

There was no more triumph, only terrible knowledge and useless love. I released her with a shudder, backing away.

Esme caught Bella when she would have hit the ground. She cradled her in her arms and murmured soothing words under her breath. My mother's mind screamed.

_Oh god not too late, please, not too late, can't be can't be too late…_

Beyond them, Jasper struggled wildly against Carlisle and Emmett's efforts to hold him. He was lost in his thirst, feral, insane… exactly what I had been a moment before.

For a moment, I simply couldn't move. I stared at Bella, what was left of her. Her skin was so white, her lips almost blue. Her eyes were open, staring up at the night sky above us.

"Is she…?" The question escaped before I could stop it. I didn't want to ask, couldn't imagine hearing the wrong answer.

"She's alive," Esme said, but her worried frown held back my relief.

Jasper roared his fury at being denied Bella's blood, so close to him… It trickled down her throat in a thin line where my venom hadn't quite closed her wound. I could smell it strongly, but it did not tempt me as it had. I watched him, and I understood what had happened. Jasper had taken its power, turned it on himself. He had chosen to lose himself in order to save her, to save me.

Emmett and Carlisle each held one of his arms, and Alice moved to stand between him and Bella.

"Jasper! Shhh… It's gonna be okay. I'm here. It'll be okay," she said, taking his face in his hands and turning it away from Bella and toward her.

Jasper's eyes found his mate's. Held on. For a moment, there was no change, and he continued to thrash and hiss. Soon, though, his struggles began to lessen, little by little, until finally he was standing still, breathing hard. Alice continued to touch him, moving closer as he calmed. She wrapped him in her arms, and Carlisle and Emmett held onto him.

"Don't let go of me," he said in a raw whisper.

"I won't," Emmett and Alice said at once.

"Can you hold him?" Carlisle asked. "I need to look at Bella."

Emmett nodded, and Carlisle stepped away from them and knelt beside Bella and Esme.

I approached them slowly, drawing deep breaths, testing to see if the frenzy would return. It did not. Jasper had drained me of my lust completely. I looked away from Bella, and our eyes met over Alice's shoulder.

"Thank you," I said.

He nodded once, his face still twisted with the strain of containing my thirst.

I went to her then. I didn't touch her, but hovered close as Carlisle examined her. He was clearly worried, unable to shield his thoughts from me.

_Too fast. It shouldn't be so fast, not this soon._

"What? What's too fast?" I asked. I considered fighting against my panic, but another look at Bella told me that this was exactly the time for such a reaction. Carlisle's face, and then his thoughts, confirmed it.

_She's dying._

"No!"

My cry covered Esme's sob as she pulled Bella more tightly against her.

_Her heart is too weak, and she's lost too much blood, Edward. It's nearly two hundred beats a minute, and the rhythm is abnormal. She won't be able to maintain this for more than a few minutes, let alone three days._

His actions contradicted his thoughts . He opened her wrists with his teeth, pushing his own venom into her bloodstream.

"Please, Carlisle," I whispered, and it felt like a prayer, desperate and useless.

When he lifted his mouth from her second wrist, I saw the frustration in his features. He turned his head, spitting her blood into the grass.

"It's no good," he said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "There's more than enough venom in her. It isn't working though; not quickly enough." His voice broke, and his eyes shifted away from me for a second. Esme reached for his hand as he spoke again, announcing to me the end of the world.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

I felt his eyes, all of their eyes, on me as I stared down at her. I could hear their thoughts, predictable and pale.

They were sorry. They were sad about Bella. They loved me.

It didn't matter.

"Give her to me," I said.

Esme shifted Bella wordlessly into my arms, and I pulled her close. She weighed nothing. I held her as I knelt in the dirt, feeling my family step back from us, just a little.

I kissed her forehead, her lips, pressed her cheek to mine. Then I drew away enough to see her face.

"This is where I left you, wasn't it, Baby?" I said, stroking her hair. "Just like this, but all alone. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. Please hear me, Bella. Please, just hear me now." My shoulders shook as I wept for her. Her heartbeat was a fluttering staccato in my ears.

"I won't leave you alone again," I said. "Never. Wherever you're going, whatever it is that comes after this… I swear to you that I'll be there. I know that you're afraid of eternity alone, but I'm not going to let that happen, not to you. I'm going to be there, Baby; I promise. Wherever you go, I'll follow you there. I'll find you, and I'll hold you, and I'll make it right. 'Cause, Bella, this is you and me, and… And you were right. We're never broken. Not us. Not ever."

The rhythm of her heart faltered, paused, picked up again. Its disorderly pounding was the sound of someone teetering, unbalanced, an instant before they plummeted over a cliff's edge.

Her eyes were wide, and didn't meet mine. She didn't look afraid, lying there, staring out at nothing…

No. Not at nothing.

I followed her gaze numbly, and realized that she was looking at the moon.

* * *

BPOV

I remembered running in the grass when I was a very little girl. I saw Charlie standing a little way off, a beloved giant in my child mind. He opened his arms for me, and I ran to him, laughing. Then there was a shock of pain, a single beat of silent confusion, and the sound of my own voice, wailing and screaming as I toppled to the ground, clutching at my bare foot.

Edward's teeth at my neck were that bee sting multiplied a hundred times, a thousand. It was nothing I could brace for, nothing I could adjust to. I was thrust from the relief I'd felt a moment before at knowing he was alive. In this new place, there was no logic, no comfort. I felt his arms around me, but they were strange. He held me too tightly, kept me from twisting away from the searing pain that traveled from his mouth into me.

That beat of confusion I'd felt the first time I'd been stung by a bee had returned. It held on, stretched out into forever. I couldn't scream. The breaths I drew were short, shallow, and not nearly enough to carry a sound that would express this kind of pain. My head spun. I continued to struggle, but more weakly, and then not at all. I hung limply in his arms and wished to die.

My eyes found the moon in the sky overhead, and I stared at it while the forest spun around me. Despite the fire that tore through me, I began to shake.

Why wasn't I dead?

Hands touching, voices shouting, and then his voice, speaking softly to me.

I heard him, but I couldn't understand the words. The fire had consumed too much of me, and there was nothing left but the moon, and his voice, telling me goodbye. Somehow, I knew it was goodbye.

Another goodbye.

Leaving. Edward was leaving?

_No._

There wasn't enough mind left for me to choose to scream, so my body skipped over the choice part, drawing a huge breath before releasing that sound into the night around us.

There wasn't strength enough to lift my arms to touch him, so maybe the world moved instead, gravity shifting long enough for my fingertips to find his skin, touch his face, reach him.

And I did reach him.

* * *

CPOV

I thought she was dead. No, didn't think. It's impossible for me to be mistaken about such a thing. I knew she was dead. Her heart pounded, then skipped, and finally quivered to a stop.

Edward held Bella in front of him like a doll. She was completely still, and so was he. He stared at her, uncomprehending. Realization pushed at his expression, but would not quite emerge. I saw in his eyes insanity almost-born, and I understood with no surprise that his mind would not survive the loss of her.

I closed my eyes, wishing I could allow myself more than a fraction of a second to feel this loss for myself. In truth, I couldn't afford even that. Bella was gone, but my son still lived, and I would try to save him, even knowing the outcome, just as I'd tried saving her well after I'd known it was useless.

I couldn't afford the time, but I couldn't forgo it, either. Bella was my family's future, my son's mate. And she was my daughter. Control was a slippery rope that I struggled to hold onto as I saw tomorrow, the next day, a hundred thousand more like it, without her. I tried to picture my family as it had been before Edward had met her, and I couldn't. It didn't seem possible for us to return to those days; she'd become too much a part of us.

Edward drew her closer, still not understanding, and whispered, either to her or to god –

"_Please_."

My grip on control slipped. I pulled Esme against me, burying my face in her hair to cover the cry of grief that escaped me.

We wouldn't go back. I knew that now. First Edward would go – his mind would shatter once he grasped the finality of this thing. He would either destroy himself then, or one of us would have to destroy him to protect innocent lives. And then, Esme… Even if she survived Bella's death, the loss of our son would be too much. Obviously, I wouldn't survive losing my wife. Rosalie would be unable to live without family. Emmett would not exist without her. And without clan, Jasper and Alice would struggle and drift, cut off from their purpose, their roots. We'd all be lost.

We needed Bella. We'd always needed her.

I opened my mouth to speak to Edward. Of what I would say, I had no idea. It turned out not to matter. Before I could make a sound, Bella jerked in his arms, gasped, screamed. All seven of us froze, disbelieving. Then, impossibly, her hands jerked up from where they dangled at her sides and she grabbed Edward's face, holding onto him with a white-knuckled grip. Her eyes, fixed and glazed an instant before, were suddenly wide and intense, her gaze locked on Edwards.

Beneath the sound of her cry, her heart resumed its beat. It was still too fast, but it held its rhythm. And then, somehow, it began to slow, stabilize. Bella's scream faded to a long moan, and then to whimpers. Her breathing became slower, deeper.

Edward made a choking sound and tensed suddenly.

Alice gasped behind me.

"_Oh my god_," she whispered.

I turned to ask her what she'd seen, but before I could, Bella spoke.

"Promise you'll forgive me!" she cried, her eyes streaming tears.

"I already have," Edward said, and fell to the ground, Bella still folded in his arms.

* * *

APOV

I couldn't tell them all of it. Some of it, I couldn't see. Edward and Bella would never share the full truth of what passed between them while she changed. There was no need for them to speak of it to each other, and it was too intimate to be shared with anyone else.

Some of it that I did see, I would never tell. It was simply not mine to reveal.

The basic explanation was that the gift Bella would have as a vampire had emerged just in time to save her life. Combined with Edward's gift, it had opened a door between them. She had received some of his strength, and he had received a measure of her pain. It had been enough.

It didn't let her off the hook completely. Her change still hurt like hell; that much was obvious. She'd manage to be mostly quiet for a while, and then she'd lose it and start to scream and writhe in Edward's arms. The first time it happened scared me – I'd never seen a human changed before, and I wasn't sure if it was normal.

"It's okay," Jasper whispered, holding me more tightly. "It's always like this. Usually, it's worse."

I nodded, unable to take my eyes off Bella. Her hands never left Edward's face.

"More, Bella!" Edward said through clenched teeth. "Give me more!"

She shook her head. A moment later she arched her back and cried out.

"Now!" he said.

With a sob, she gave in. His features tightened, twisted, and she released a long breath and sagged against his chest.

For a while, it was almost as though she were asleep. Edward was quiet, too. He kept his eyes shut tightly, letting out only an occasional grunt as the fire of Bella's rebirth consumed them both. When his sounds became more frequent, and eventually turned into low moans, Bella flexed some invisible muscle and pulled back into herself. Her cries grew louder, and the cycle repeated itself.

Again and again, it repeated itself.

"How long?" Carlisle asked me.

"I don't know," I said. "I can't see it, any of it."

On the second day, we learned why.

The wolves came at dawn.

"Carlisle Cullen, you are trespassing here," Sam Uley said. He was the only one among them in human form. The other wolves spread in a loose formation behind him. A few growled softly.

Carlisle had moved to stand between the wolves and the rest of us. Emmett and Jasper stood on each side of him. Esme, Rose and I crouched over Edward and Bella.

"It was not our intention to stay," Carlisle said. "Bella Swan was attacked yesterday, as Jacob knows. We were forced to change her immediately."

"Then you've violated this land twice over," Sam said. "To make a blood drinker on our peninsula is an insult to large for us to ignore."

"Bella would have died," Emmett said. "Edward didn't have a choice."

"And neither do we," Sam said, his voice laced with regret. He glanced to each side, making eye contact with the wolves who flanked him. They began to fan out, surrounding us.

"Oh, no…," Esme whispered, wrapping her arms protectively around Edward and Bella.

Emmett and Jasper moved to guard Rose and me, respectively.

"You don't want this fight," Carlisle said, a low warning. "Just give us another day, two at most. Her change will be over, and we'll move on. You'll never see us again."

"You had your chance to go," Sam said. "Instead you stayed and made a monster of our friend's daughter."

The wolves' growling grew louder. Sam drew a deep breath, and the air around him seemed to vibrate.

"Stop, Sam," a familiar voice said. "No one fights today. Leave them alone."

Jacob stepped from the trees. He wore only torn sweat pants, was smudged with dirt and blood, and looked about forty years old.

Sam turned and looked at him sharply.

"I'm allowing you to sit this one out, Jacob, but that's all," Sam said. "The decision's been made. Now fall into formation and help us, or get the hell back home." His voice seemed to echo a little as he spoke.

Jacob looked at him calmly.

"No."

A look of confusion passed over Sam's face, then anger.

"That was an order, Jacob," he said, and the echo was stronger this time.

Jacob sighed.

"Ephraim Black's grandson was not born to bow down to Levi Uley's," he said.

Sam's eyes widened.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Jacob said. "You're a good leader, and I understand what you're trying to do. I just can't…" He shook his head, and his eyes traveled to where Bella lay in Edward's arms. His voice was thick with tears when he spoke again. "Not her."

Sam's expression faded from shock to resignation.

"Teenagers in love," he said. "I should have known how this would end."

Jacob started to smile, but it faded off before it gained much ground. Instead, he shrugged and said nothing.

"What are your orders, then?" Sam asked.

For one long moment, Jacob stared hard at Edward.

"Just go home," Jacob said.

The wolves on four legs dispersed at once. Sam lingered for a moment.

"Are you coming?"

Jacob shook his head, his eyes never leaving the place Edward and Bella lay, burning together.

"No," he said. "Not yet."

* * *

BPOV

I watched the sliver of moon above me grow. There was no change for the longest time, it seemed. None at all that first night. Then the moon changed more quickly. No, not the moon. Me. I changed.

It didn't feel like me changing, though. It felt as though the world around me was transforming. All of the colors seemed to build in intensity, and what they became was nothing my human mind had a comparison for. The night wasn't dark anymore. Sunset changed the light, but it didn't take it away. What had been yellow and blue by day simply became russet, mahogany, crimson.

By the second night, I could watch the crescent moon grow before my eyes.

Edward changed. His skin grew warmer, softer. His voice became richer, a thousand subtle inflections in every word, every sound. He didn't hold me so tightly anymore. Except he did. I know now that he held me more tightly than ever.

When the pain lessened the first time, I didn't understand. And then I saw it, saw _him_. And he saw me. I would know later that he could hear my thoughts, could see the human memories that flashed nonstop through my mind as we burned together. For my part, I didn't hear specific thoughts or see specific images. What I did do was understand him. For the first time, I really understood him.

The first thing I understood was the pain. It left me, but I could still taste it distantly. I tasted it as he did. I tasted it in him. I begged his forgiveness then, and I knew it to be truth when he gave it at once.

After the pain, there was love, only love. I'd always assumed that love was simple, but it wasn't. The tones of his emotions were like colors in a rainbow, all different, but all one. His love for me was the relief he practically drowned in upon realizing I wasn't dead. His love for me was worry and concern that simmered constantly during my change, and boiled over when the pain overwhelmed me. Those were the times he would order me to let go, to give him more. God help me, I couldn't keep from doing so.

There were facets of his love for me that were more subtle, that didn't become discernable until my senses evolved to understand them beyond the cacophony of the experience. The moment came when I tasted his desire for me, and I gasped so loudly that Esme winced in sympathy. She thought it was the pain that made me clutch at him suddenly. I'll always be okay with letting her believe that. In truth, the sensation made me wonder how Edward and I would manage to ever get out of bed again when this was over.

As intoxicating as his desire was to know, the aspect that touched me most deeply came last, when my mind neared the end of its change. In those final moments, both of us became quiet. The fire was still there, but it was receding. In its place came peace. That peace was the end of suffering, the beginning of all good things.

That would have been glorious enough if it had only been about the fire of my change, but it wasn't. What I felt was what Edward had begun to know the moment he and I had found each other. It was a world transformed, an isolation forever gone. I had always thought it was only me. Sharing that peace with Edward, understanding that it was just the same for him, made me want to weep. For both of us, coming together was not the end of all suffering, but certainly the beginning of the end.

My own end approached swiftly after that. An odd discomfort began to work through me, and I shifted in Edward's arms.

"Edward?" I gasped.

"Your heart," he whispered. "It's going to stop very soon."

Yes, of course. The trilling heartbeat in my ears was too fast to be recognized as such by human ears. It was much different than the sickly beat that had drummed immediately after Edward had bitten me; this rhythm was graceful, ordered. Still, its strength wouldn't prevent the venom from doing its final work. It would be only minutes now, perhaps seconds, before my heart stilled for good.

_Edward, I need something._

For once, his response didn't surprise me.

"Anything."

I showed him in my mind, and he paused for only a moment before he released me gently from his arms. He laid me down on the ground and stepped back, more than a little reluctantly.

It was night again, clear and crisp. I listened to the forest, breathed its earthy scent. I watched the moon.

My human memories were already beginning to seem dim and distant. I struggled to bring to mind the thousands of things I would never know again. I kept my eyes shut as I remembered Charlie's awkward hugs, Renee's laughing hair tousles. I remembered tasting cinnamon, dreaming about spiders, tripping on my shoelaces. I remembered being cold in the winter, being hungry, oversleeping. I remembered crying real liquid tears. I remembered being alone.

I remembered an endless night a lifetime ago. The smell of the earth was completely different, but I knew it was the same earth that held me now. The strength in my body was a tiny fraction of what I now possessed, but it was the same body nonetheless. The person that curled up in the dirt that night and gave up was me, and yet, somehow a complete stranger.

_Thank you_, I thought, addressing that broken girl in those long-ago woods. _I hated being you, but you gave me what I didn't know I needed. I hated what we lived through, but it made me strong enough to do what I'm doing now. I hated every minute of that night in the woods, but I would have loved them all if I had known they would bring me here, that they would make me this. _

My heart screamed its final crescendo in my ears, twisting painfully in my chest. I closed my eyes against that sudden agony, and my last long scream pierced the quiet that surrounded me.

I died.

I knew without seeing that the Cullens stood in a wide circle around me, not moving, not breathing. They were my family, and they were waiting to welcome me to the new life they had almost died to give me.

"Bella?" Edward's voice, my life now.

I opened my eyes and stood up, brushing pine needles and bits of leaves from my clothes.

_Thank you, and goodbye_, I thought, as Edward pulled me carefully into his arms.

* * *

_Chapter End Notes:_

_I wonder a lot about who's out there sharing this journey with me. I'd love for you to drop by and say hello in a review._


	27. Epilogue

_Author's note:_

_I'm not sure what to say before this one. It's hard to write, both the epilogue and this note, knowing that this is it for this story. I honestly don't know if I'll write anything of length for Twilight again. I have other non-fanfic projects in the works, and time is very precious these days. If I don't, just know that I'll miss you, and that I enjoyed the hell out of writing HDIL._

_A week ago, I threw my first party in my own apartment. It was a celebration in honor of my one year anniversary of becoming single, or singleversary, if you will. It was amazing. I had all of these friends, these beautiful and strong and kind people, all around me, and they all got it. See, I really thought it was the end of everything when I lost him last year. Now I know that it was just the beginning. Not only did I survive, but I have found so much sweetness in life that I never would have without that separation._

_The fact is, for nearly all of us, the would-be soulmates don't come back. We get up, brush ourselves off, and do our best to forget what we'd hoped for, what we'd believed in. For nearly all of us, goodbye is just that._

_Thank god for fairy tales, huh? Thank god for literary misunderstandings and pivotal epiphanies and redemption at any price! These sparkly stories aren't denial or even outright lies; they are the focal points of the faith that we desperately need on those nights that we're finding our way back from where love left us._

_These stories aren't lies. For some of us, love is forever. For some of us, the first time is the charm. And I personally believe that all of us, myself included, deserve to end our stories happily. _

_So that's what I'll leave you with. You deserve a happy ending, a real one, and believing as much is half of getting one. So believe it._

_

* * *

_

Part 4: Faith

_This is how it works  
You're young until you're not  
You love until you don't  
You try until you can't_

_You laugh until you cry  
You cry until you laugh  
And everyone must breathe  
Until their dying breath_

_No, this is how it works  
You peer inside yourself  
You take the things you like  
And try to love the things you took_

_And then you take that love you made  
And stick it into some  
Someone else's heart  
Pumping someone else's blood_

_And walking arm in arm  
You hope it don't get harmed  
But even if it does  
You'll just do it all again_

-Regina Spektor, "On the Radio"

* * *

Charlie Swan lived each day much like the one before.

First, there was coffee. There was a time when he would have made it a full breakfast at the diner, but he didn't want that much company most days. Harry Clearwater's silent companionship while fishing was about as much as he could handle, and even that had ended when Harry had died of a heart attack six months ago.

Jacob had been at the funeral. It was the first time he'd been seen in Forks since Bella had taken off for the last time. There had been a good deal of speculation then from the local kids that the two of them had gone off together, but Charlie knew better. As much as he would have liked it, and as healthy as it might have been for her, Jacob just didn't push the girl's buttons the way the other one had.

That one Charlie still wondered about. Bella had screamed at him before she'd gone, and it had been completely unlike her. She'd said it was about Edward, that the two of them had fallen out again, for good this time. Charlie didn't quite buy it.

He'd asked Jacob about it at the funeral. The kid's eyes had narrowed, and he'd looked away, uncomfortable.

"Bella's okay," Jacob had said at last. "I caught up with her before she left town, and I didn't let her go until I saw for myself. She's going to be fine, Charlie, but she won't be back, not ever."

He wouldn't say if she were alone or not. At the mention of Edward's name, Jacob had tensed and made a quick exit from the funeral home. He hadn't been back since.

After coffee came work. That started as early as possible, and Charlie stretched it as late as he could manage. The house was too quiet now, even if the echoes of Bella's parting words still rang in his ears every time he walked in the front door.

Maybe she was right, and it was a mistake bringing her to Forks. Maybe she would be in college in Phoenix right now if she'd stayed there or gone down to Florida when she'd had the chance. And maybe the house wouldn't feel this stale, this empty, if she hadn't filled it so beautifully for all those months.

Charlie still tried to keep the house a little better than he had before she'd come to stay with him. He told himself that it wasn't because he was hoping that one day the knock at the door would be her, back to visit or to stay. It would be foolish, after all, to think that, if the place was clean, she might decide to stay.

So he washed the dishes, ran the laundry, and swept the floor most nights. He did so tonight, and even ran the broom under the edge of the fridge to pick up some of the crumbs that collected under there. As he did, the bristles hit something that made a dry, crinkling sound. Curious, he got down on the floor and fished out a small, folded paper covered in grit and dust. He brushed it off, saw what was written on it, and struggled to get to a chair before his legs went weak.

_Dad._

Charlie didn't cry when Bella slammed the front door and left him alone in Forks, and he didn't cry when his best friend dropped dead in his backyard at the age of fifty. He cried openly, though, as he unfolded the note in his hands and read:

_Dear Charlie,_

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the way I took off. It's not fair, and it's not your fault. I know I haven't been a great daughter lately, but you never stopped being a great dad. I'm so glad I came to Forks for so many reasons, and you're one of the biggest ones._

_I'm sorry that I didn't do more with our time together, Dad. I hate that now, because I'm leaving, and I don't think I'll be back. I know that telling you not to worry won't work, so I'll just say that I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be better than fine._

_I have to say that I'm sorry, too, because I always thought that you and mom were stupid for what you did, running off and thinking that love will take care of everything. That wasn't fair at all; I know that now. Really, I have to thank you for it. It's the best thing you ever taught me, even if you didn't mean to. _

_I love someone, Dad, and even though I know it won't always be perfect, I really believe that it will always be right. I believe that enough to make the choice now to be with him, start a new life with him. I'm going away to do this, and I really think it's the right thing._

_I know that you hate Edward, and I know that it's only because you love me. I love you, too, Dad, and I love him. I know that he messed up when he left. The truth is, we've both messed up, and we'll probably do it again and again if we're lucky enough to love each other long enough to have the chance. We're learning, though, Dad, and we're not giving up. You taught me that, too._

_Everything I am is because of the people who loved me – you, Mom, and now Edward. I'm grateful to all of you, and I love all of you forever._

_I love you, Dad, and I'll miss you, forever._

_Love,_

_Bella_

_P.S. Look out for Jacob for me._

_P.P.S. Please, please don't worry about me!_

"Fat chance," Charlie murmured, wiping his eyes.

* * *

BPOV

I don't miss as many things as I thought I would.

Food, for example. Food is only tempting when you have the ability to enjoy its taste, digest its nutrients. I thought I would miss things like chocolate, Thanksgiving turkey, and grape Popsicles. I don't. I think about them now, and it's a little like imagining how much a cow must enjoy eating grass, or how a car must enjoy getting filled up with regular unleaded. Human food just isn't fuel for the machine I've become.

No, this machine runs on something else, something so powerful I can't even think the word without feeling as though my throat is going to burn hot enough to ignite the rest of my body. If I think "fuel" instead of "blood," the burn stays in my throat, at least most of the time. I want it to stay there now, because today the thirst is annoying, humiliating. I don't want today to be about that, but it still is. My constant, crazy thirst was a part of this even before I started physically feeling the burn.

I wasn't surprised to hear a knock on the door. It's unnecessary, one of the polite motions the family goes through for my sake while I adjust to an inhuman life.

"I'm fine," I said. A few months ago that tone would have been the one I used while grumbling quietly to myself. Now it's practically a shout, and I know that Jasper can hear it clearly from the other side of the door, and that Edward and the others can hear it easily from where they wait downstairs.

"No, you're not," he said, and opened the door without knocking again.

I was curled up on the bed, facing away from the door. If we'd stayed in Forks, I would be looking out through a wall of glass. As it is, the tiny window in this remote cabin only gives me a view a few feet deep before the thick growth of forest interrupts it.

"I'm _fine_," I said again, knowing it was useless. "I hunted yesterday, twice."

"And you'll hunt again today," he said. Jasper is, as always, calm. Why wouldn't he be? He always wins.

Still, I'm in the mood for a fight today.

"You don't hunt every day," I argued.

"I never said I did," he said.

"I don't want to hunt now," I said.

"I didn't ask," he said.

"Go away," I said.

"No."

His tone never changed from its even insistence, but I found I was even angrier than I was when I heard him approach the door.

"Not now!" I snapped, sitting up in a jerky, too-fast movement.

I saw him in the doorway and realized with some surprise that he wasn't as calm as he sounded. His expression was more than irritated, and his eyes were black.

"Yes, Bella," he said, extending a hand to me. "Now."

I went with him then, because I really was painfully thirsty, and because I knew what would happen if I didn't. The rest of the family is careful with me, kind until I want to scream and throw furniture at them, but Jasper is never anything but direct. He never feels sorry for me or tries to tell me he knows how I feel. He never changes his mind, and he always wins these fights.

We don't fight as much as we used to. The thirst is still the worst thing I've ever felt, but its place in my world is a little smaller than it was during those first awful months. Back then, everything in me wasn't enough to stay in control most of the time. I was never able to be alone, even for a minute. And, as much as I tried not to, I almost constantly plotted ways to get to human blood.

Animal blood tasted like almost nothing. It never satisfied, never quieted the urge. Feeding heavily made me a little more sane, but when I was truly thirsty, the deer and bears that populated the land around the cabin were the last things I wanted. What I wanted ran in the veins of the humans we'd passed on our hurried journey north. It ran in the veins of the friends and family I'd left behind me.

It took nearly all of the Cullens to hold me back from that scent at times, but we'd made it to this place, this hunting retreat the family had occasionally visited over the last few decades. It was rustic, dirty, but blessedly removed from human temptation. It had been our home for the last year, and would continue to be for some years to come.

I couldn't smell human blood while I was at the cabin, but I sure could remember it. And I wanted it. At times, I wept and screamed and begged for it.

Those first days had been awful. Edward had apologized to me. Carlisle had tried to reason with me. The others tried their own methods of calming me, comforting me. Jasper was the only one who seemed to know that gentleness was irrelevant in that delirium. He'd said nothing, only dragged me out, often literally, to hunt. Edward had been furious at first, but tolerated it when he saw that nothing but feeding would touch my panic. It nearly killed him not to intervene sometimes, but, after my change, we both owed Jasper a lot, our trust at the very least.

So Jasper had reluctantly become my handler as I struggled through my first year as a vampire, and in that year, I had not taken human life.

Yes, we both owed him a great deal.

Once I'd decided to hunt, instinct took hold. It wasn't long before I'd taken a half dozen animals. The thirst quieted, and I was able to sit calmly at the edge of a ridge that overlooked the valley that held our cabin. It was lonely and beautiful here.

"Feel better?" Jasper asked. His voice was gentle now.

I nodded, not looking back at him.

"Thank you," I said. "And I'm sorry. I hate it when I get that way."

"You haven't let yourself get that thirsty in a while, Bella. What's going on?"

I shrugged.

"I just hate how weak I am compared to the rest of you."

"Weak?" Jasper laughed. "You're over a year old and you can still overpower any one of us. It's a really good thing you don't test that so often anymore."

"But I still do sometimes," I said, remembering the last time, about three weeks ago. It had taken Edward, Carlisle and Jasper to stop me from fleeing the woods and drinking the first human I found. I shut my eyes against the humiliating memory.

"You're really doing very well, Bella," Jasper said. "Try to be patient with yourself. The first year is always overwhelming, even for vampires who aren't avoiding human blood."

I felt a lump form in my throat and had a fleeting wish for the ability to cry.

"I just hate being like this, still. I hate being the one everyone else has to take care of. I thought being changed would make me one of you, but in some ways I feel like even more of an outsider."

"You are one of us," Jasper said. "And we've all been where you are. Carlisle was the only one of us who was born a Cullen; for the rest of us, it's something we had to work for. We do understand how hard it is."

"I don't want understanding, Jasper. I want…" I broke off before I finished the sentence.

Jasper didn't urge me to speak, and I felt a suspicion begin to nag.

I glanced at him.

"You already know, don't you?" I asked.

He smiled, scratching the back of his head in an embarrassed human gesture. "I'm an empath married to a psychic, Bella. Of course I do."

I sighed. "Then why don't you just say it?"

"I was trying to be polite, let you talk about it when you were ready."

Of course he was. More consideration, more gentleness and patience for Bella. I wanted to cry.

I squeezed my eyes shut before I spoke.

"Edward wants me to marry him," I said. The words felt strange, faintly wonderful, not-so-faintly terrifying.

"Of course he does," Jasper said. "Is it really so surprising?"

"Yes. No. I don't know, Jasper. I hadn't been thinking about any of that. Things had just started getting more… _normal_ between us." I would have blushed if I'd still been human.

"That's good. It's another sign that your thirst is getting under control," he said with a nod.

For weeks after my change, I was aware of little other than my thirst and the struggle to control it. The love was there, though, mine and his, all of the time. Edward's voice was gentle even when his hands were hard and restraining. When I was falling, spinning, all but lost in my drive to feed, Edward was there, holding me, always.

It was months before we'd made love again. Edward was more than patient, waiting for me to come to him again. I caught him looking, from time to time, watching me with an expression of pained hunger that would disappear the instant our eyes met, smoothed into an easy smile. And I wanted him; even thirsty and half out of my mind, I wanted him. Fear held me back, though.

I had been so afraid of being unable to find my desire for him ever again in the midst of the thirst, but once I became brave and desperate enough to try, it had only taken a few touches, a kiss unrestrained, to let loose the flood of need that had built between us. There were no thoughts of seeking control then, though, and when we finally lay together, spent and satisfied, Carlisle's gentle knock on the door was to ask after Edward's safety, not mine. We laughingly assured him that all limbs were still attached.

The family had stayed away from the cabin most of the time, then, falling back to a perimeter that would allow them to give us some privacy while still keeping humans out and me in. They came closer every few days to check in with us, make sure I was hunting, and to make sure I hadn't crushed Edward with my newborn strength and teenage lust.

I might have been embarrassed if I didn't understand how crucial both things were.

Their concern had mellowed in the last few months. Because of Jasper, they knew I wasn't lying when I said that the burning thirst had lessened. Because of Alice, they knew I wasn't planning escape and murder. Because of Edward, they knew that the 'ouches' between us were mostly good ones these days.

And it had started to be pretty good. In the morning, I would go and kill animals and drink them. In the afternoon, I would be with Edward. We would make love or swim in rivers or climb trees and jump from them, and it felt like flying and dreaming and like finally, finally waking up. In the evening, I would go and kill animals and drink them. Edward would pretend that he needed to do that, too, just so I wasn't the only one covered in red stuff that wasn't blood, not really. I had to hunt every day, usually twice, in order to feel sane enough to think about anything but _real_ blood.

At night, Edward would hold me. We would lie in the dark, and I would close my eyes and pretend that such a thing as darkness actually still existed for me. We would talk, then, about everything we couldn't say when I still had real blood in my veins. I would tell him about wanting to be good enough for someone, anyone that I loved, and how he had been the first person to make me feel as though that were possible. I would tell him how much that had scared me, and about how grateful I was that he had never stopped telling me, showing me, that I was good enough. I would say it out loud, and then I would reach into the darkness, touch his face, and show him that my words were true.

He was the only one that I usually let inside that way, with my touch and with my gift. I had shown Carlisle once, because he had been going crazy with curious fascination, and descriptions just hadn't been enough. I had shown Alice because I needed her to see that Edward really had forgiven her for choosing to kill me to save Jasper. I had shown Rosalie because she had been making fun of the life-threatening nature of my sex life, and I wanted her to know that I didn't hold my tongue because I didn't know the dirty words she used, but because I was too polite to say them to her face. Her expression when I had drawn my hand back, closing that connection, had been one of fury, and of grudging respect.

I'd shown Esme because I missed my mom, and I needed her to see me, all the way down to the center of me, the way a mom should, the way mine never had. I needed her to know me, the good and the bad and the boring, better than almost anyone, and still kiss my hair and call me 'sweetheart' and say she loved me. And she had.

And now, as we sat together in the grass on the ridge with the sun beginning to sink into the horizon, I showed Jasper. His eyes widened when he saw me lift my hand, reach toward him.

"Are you sure, Bella?" he asked. "I can feel that you're afraid. You don't have to do this." I think he was a little afraid, too.

I swallowed, shook my head. I needed to do this, because I needed someone else to know.

My fingers touched his cheek, and he drew a tight breath.

_Sunlight. A sun rising, pink sky, a million colors playing over Edward's skin, my skin, my fingers stroking over him._

"_Bella." His voice, beautiful, saying my name, making it beautiful._

_He's turning toward me, smiling. We should be exhausted. We're not. This isn't resting, more like digesting. We'll be hungry again for each other very soon._

_I'm smiling too, imagining it._

_His smile changes, just a little. There's a rippling under the surface. Shock. Revelation. Disbelief. Fear. Another kind of hunger._

_Certainty._

_I see it, and I'm curious. Not afraid._

"_What is it?"_

_His hand, warm, against my cheek. He draws me closer, looks into my eyes, and it's eternity in there._

"_Marry me."_

_The words should be small, expected. They should be nothing. I see in my mind a white dress that is just a costume, a role, a single identity in an existence that would contain a multitude. It's nothing, a paper wrapping over eternal skin._

_Edward's eyes make none of that true. His eyes are serious, waiting, and assuming absolutely nothing. For him, these words are everything. They're us, and they're the difference between taking things a day at a time and holding to nothing but each other and blind stupid faith as we plunge into the unknown. For Edward, 'marry me' means forgetting all of the lessons we'd received about the uncertain nature of life, and saying that we are certain of each other._

_And still, such a thing should be nothing. Of course I'm certain of us. Of course I want tomorrow as much as today, and a thousand thousand tomorrows after that, all with him, only with him._

_But it wouldn't just be me saying I'm certain of him, it would be me saying I'm certain of of me. It's saying that I'm up to this, that I'm strong enough to love him with as much courage and faith and endurance as he has me._

_And I can't do it, not now. _

_I run from him. I hide in the cabin. I refuse to hunt. The thirst comes back, and it reminds me of how many ways I am less. And I hate myself, and I want him, and he thinks I don't, so he gives me horrible, horrible space. My throat burns, and I wish repeatedly for the ability to go back to that perfect sunlit moment so I can fix it with my yes._

_Just one word…_

I drew my hands from Jasper's face slowly. We were both shaking, and he was breathing hard, overwhelmed by the emotion of the experience I'd shared with him.

"You can fix this," he said, making it simple.

I ran my hands through my hair.

"I'm scared, Jasper."

"I know," he said.

"I messed it up," I said.

"Yup."

I looked at him with helpless eyes.

"Will he forgive me?"

Jasper hesitated.

"Oh come on! Empath married to a psychic, right? Just tell me!"

He laughed. "Okay, okay! Yes, he forgives you. Did you really have to ask?"

"Yeah," I said. "I really did."

Jasper hugged me, a little awkwardly. After opening my mind to him, it felt a little bit like shaking hands with my brain surgeon.

They were all waiting for us when we returned. Edward looked a little nervous, but not as much as I'd expect. Alice was beaming beside him, and I knew at once that she'd not kept him in suspense about my decision. Thank god; I hated every mistaken minute that had passed since I should have told him yes.

He hurried to me, stopping short when he would have caught me in his arms. His eyes hesitated, asked me for permission. I yanked him to me.

Even as a vampire, I was better known for my passion than my grace.

I kissed him, clung to him tighter and tighter until Carlisle had to remind me to be careful.

"Yes?" Edward asked as we broke apart.

"Yes," I said. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, I'm so sorry, yes."

He was laughing then, crying and kissing me senseless, and the family wanted to hug us, but it would be hours, days maybe, before I would let him go long enough for that to happen. Esme cried. Carlisle welcomed me to the family, again. Alice started talking wedding plans with me as Edward held me in his lap. She ignored the excellent suggestions he was whispering in my ear as we set a date about a decade away. It would make the fittings easier, after all, if I wasn't trying to eat the seamstress.

It was ages before they left, or perhaps an hour. He loved me then, and whispered to me in the purple light of nighttime. He whispered about forever, and about the world beyond these log walls and green trees, about all of the things he wanted to share with me. No, not what he wanted to share, what he _would_ share with me.

Life is uncertain, but not for us – not that night, and not for as long as we believed in the beautiful promises we had no right to make. Love had transformed desire into will, will into belief, and no lesson of yesterday or fear of tomorrow could convince us that our promises of forever could ever be made into lies. There was now, and there was this, and it could simply not be broken. If anything could stretch such a moment into forever, it was this reckless, beautiful faith that wrapped around us and everything tonight.

We held each other, laughing, declaring without words that our love was eternal, our future invincible, and silently challenged anyone or anything to disagree.

For once, none dared.

* * *

_Story End Notes:_

_End with gratitude._

_Thank you to my Twilighted beta, whynot, for everything._

_Thank you to my thoughtful reviewers. I would have scrapped this thing a chapter or two in without your encouragement and insight. If that makes me shallow and non-committed to my art, well, there you go._

_Thank you to the friends who stayed my friends even after I was pathetic and angry and hygienically-challenged for those first awful months. You swam with me all night while we cried and drank cheap wine, and you just might have saved my life._

_Thank you to every awful person I tried to date that first year. I wasn't really ready to meet anyone, and your blatant disrespect and fumbling advances helped me hold that space for myself._

_Thank you to every new friend I've made since then. I had almost no one after the day I put him out, and finding all of you has restored my faith in the world and myself. I didn't need him to be loved after all._

_Thank you to Stephen King for slapping my hands when I stuffed too many modifiers into my sentences. _On Writing_ – read it, writers out there, and you'll be aware of how frequently I made the mistake of not listening to him._

_Thank you to Gina-bean for her story _Full Dark_. Beyond being hugely inspiring for my own work, it was a hell of an enjoyable read. It's on Twilighted, guys. Go find it. Seriously._

_Thank you to Mr. S. for taking me to see _Eclipse_ tomorrow (yes, I'm a bad, bad fan who works a really twisted schedule during the week and therefore has not seen this yet), and for never making me feel stupid for enjoying a little sparkly good fun. You're not my Edward or my Jacob or even my Bella (as I first suspected), but you're a hell of a friend, and I'm grateful for you._

_And I know I mentioned the reviewers, but the real thanks is for everyone who has read, whether you've reviewed or not. Heartbreak is a lonely thing, and having all those ears out there has made it less so for me. I know we say a lot about how fic writers create their stuff for free, but it's not true. Being heard, reading a few words of encouragement from people who have experienced much the same thing, has been invaluable for me. I owe you all, huge._

_From the bottom of my heart,_

_Beth_


End file.
